Are we normal?

August 18, 2015

So I keep coming on and off here. Sometimes it is going so well that I dont need to vent and sometimes like now I am just so down. Which means I need to give the background info yet again..so here goes a long post.

I am 26 and boyfriend is 30, it is a first serious relationship for both of us, we have been together just under a year and half or so now. I just dont know what is normal in a relationship so needed some insight.

It seems like something happens to put us in a blah mood almosy every week. Usually it is just him being moody, when I ask whats wrong I get the typical "nothings wrong, stop asking me". So I give him space...but it lasts say 2-3 days and then he is back to normal. I would say this happens every 2 weeks or so. In the weeks he isnt moody, something else will happen. Eg: he sends me a pic of something that he felt represented us in some way and I didnt get the relation until he pointed it out, he gets sad that "we are never on the same page". He says it often that "I never understand him" or that "I never get him". Its just so hurtful and tiresome! Our good days are beyond beautiful and we couldnt be happier. But sometimes I questions their frequency. I would say if a blah time happens..it lasts say 3 days, then we will be good say a week and half or so and then again something hits that makes us sour.

We dont really yell or fight or name call...we just get sad and he gets distant. We do talk it out if its not one of his "nothings worng ones" but he does say that at times the talk isnt helping or that he isnt getting what he wants out of the conversation. The end of the talk is never like..."pheww ok we are good now", it just happens, we say our I love yous and Goodnights and he is mostly alright the following morning, at times it trickles to the following day but it does get better.

I have never loved someone before...but I have also never felt for anyone the way I feel for him. I care a lot about him, the thought of losing him makes me nauseous, I love the time I spend with him, on our good days I have never felt as happy as I do with him, so I know that I love him. I have no doubt he loves me too, but I want to know that he is sure and that he sees the rest of his life with me. He has said he does want to spend his life with me on our good days numerous times, but when he says things like "you never get me or that you dont understand me" it hurts and I wonder if he starts to question that sureness. Or he says we disagree more than he would like. We have the same thoughts on the bigger things, having kids, double income family, household chores, finances, where we want to live etc. We are the same background, same religion and have a similar upbringing. I get along with his parents, he gets along with mine and our parents get along with eachothr too...so all of that bigger stuff is there!

But I dont get why it is up and down so often? Or am I just an anxious person that I am making a normal relationship thing bigger than it is? Perhaps due to inexperience? I have gotten better,in our past, at about the 8 month mark we went through a few major blow ups. About 3...in 3 months or so. A lot of crying and almost the brink of calling it all off, but by the end of the same day we both knew we didnt want to. We came out a lot stronger and havent had one of those for a good 5 months now. Those blow ups were various issues, some I cant even recall because we have done a great job working through them.

Its just..I know I want him and I am not willing to let it go, I just need reassurance that stuff like this happens in all relationships, that it can be up and down like this at this frequency and that it is totally normal. I do feel that if we got through what we have in the past, these things are petty and that it too shall pass. What do you guys think?

Sorry about the long post.

August 18, 2015

Yes, I think you're very normal. I think most relationships go through this kind of phase.

Have you asked him how he thinks you could get on the same page? That's a very vague complaint, and one that deserves some digging. If he can provide you with specifics, then that might be helpful.

Other than that, I find that oftentimes these kind of relationship "talks" aren't very useful. Women want to talk through all the problems, but men aren't like that. If you can focus instead on building closeness and connection, I think you'll get more traction.

Is there anything else going on his life that might cause stress? Work or family stuff?

August 18, 2015

Have you talked to him about these moods on your good days? What does be say/think? It's not cool for him to keep saying you never this, you never that without explaining exactly what it actually is. Some people like to pick fights when they're not feeling themselves, bringing another down to feel shjitty and sad. I think this is what be is doing. in a way he is manipulating you, a sense of control (keeping you on your toes) . do you apologise, make things better, do nice things for him each time this happens? If so, its become a habit/pattern that you need to break. By setting boundaries. If there is actually nothing wrong and he's just moody, then he needs to find an outlet that's not you. This is where you need to be firm. And not grovel. Saying something like; I'm sorry you feel this way, I'm going to give you space until you feel ready to discuss & resolve. Then you disappear into a hobby, bath, read a book....

If it continues after you've tried above advise, then some professional help would be great for both of you. Conflict resolution is important. Passive aggressiveness, blame, manipulation, silent treatments, unresolved conflicts all damage relationships. Resentment builds and contempt kicks in. Which is the point of no return you both need to avoid.

August 18, 2015

Have you talked to him about these moods on your good days? What does be say/think? It's not cool for him to keep saying you never this, you never that without explaining exactly what it actually is. Some people like to pick fights when they're not feeling themselves, bringing another down to feel shjitty and sad. I think this is what be is doing. in a way he is manipulating you, a sense of control (keeping you on your toes) . do you apologise, make things better, do nice things for him each time this happens? If so, its become a habit/pattern that you need to break. By setting boundaries. If there is actually nothing wrong and he's just moody, then he needs to find an outlet that's not you. This is where you need to be firm. And not grovel. Saying something like; I'm sorry you feel this way, I'm going to give you space until you feel ready to discuss & resolve. Then you disappear into a hobby, bath, read a book....

If it continues after you've tried above advise, then some professional help would be great for both of you. Conflict resolution is important. Passive aggressiveness, blame, manipulation, silent treatments, unresolved conflicts all damage relationships. Resentment builds and contempt kicks in. Which is the point of no return you both need to avoid.

Yes I do attempt to talk, but a lot of times he goes back into as a result, so I just avoid it. Or he wil say that there is nothing wrong at all and I need to stop worrying. Or he will get sad that his mood put me in blah mood and start feeling miserable saying he cant keep me happy and doesnt know what to do.

And yes, I do apologize do nice things etc. But he will just say, "please dont apologize, its not your fault". But it goes no where from there. I do try to just let him be too and do my own thing but fear kicks in that what if he feels I am not there for him or that I am too busy doing my own thing even though he is blah. He has never said this, it is just what I feel. If I ask him what he wants, space or me being there, he says he doesnt know and that he is fine and that he doesnt need anything. So I dont know how to react. But I have found that a bit of space and I get the kissing emoji or some kind of contact. No specific talk though.

I know for a fact he cares and even every now and then in these days he does small gestures, sends a kiss over text or makes a random doodle for me etc. So the sweet side of him is there. It just gets hard to not be anxious when he gets like this.

The rest of his life is pretty normal, work family etc...all is good. We dont live together and it has realistically only been 16 months of dating, I feel like it is too early for professional help. I feel like they can use the time to help others that are much more in need than we are.

August 18, 2015

OP, I can't message you or else I'd leave this there, but I am also dating more of a non-communicator. Yes, it can be difficult to deal with, but I have found the following book to be tremendously helpful in terms of describing that fundamental difference between men and women and how to bridge that gap.

http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189

Obviously, y'all aren't married, but again it's useful information. I have read it and have used some its principles, and it's helped my relationship.

Just some food for thought.

August 18, 2015

Yes, I think you're very normal. I think most relationships go through this kind of phase.

Have you asked him how he thinks you could get on the same page? That's a very vague complaint, and one that deserves some digging. If he can provide you with specifics, then that might be helpful.

Other than that, I find that oftentimes these kind of relationship "talks" aren't very useful. Women want to talk through all the problems, but men aren't like that. If you can focus instead on building closeness and connection, I think you'll get more traction.

Is there anything else going on his life that might cause stress? Work or family stuff?

Thanks for this reply... I honestly feel a lot more at ease knowing that we are ok! Truely!!

I do ask him, he says "just in general agree more on things"...for example on a shirt he wanted to buy cuz it was cool, I thought it was whatevrr. Just small things like that. Or what to order for food at a restaurant, little things here and there. I told him we are diff people and that it is bound to be different opinions. He said he knows that and sometimes its ok...but feels like it happens more often than he would like.

I think you are right about the whole talk thing, I feel fullfilled after it, he is still the same. How do you suggest I work on building the closeness and connection? Anything that has worked well for you?

August 18, 2015

Hey

Never apologize about a long post. The longer the post, the more information, and the better, more sharpened, and often times less biased opinion we can give as a community.

Now on to your dilemma. I can be one of those guys. I get moody easily for several reasons. Not saying any of these might be his, but maybe one or more might be. It's worth exploring and discussing as someone said

1. I was not given a lot of affection as a kid, so when I'm getting alot of it from a partner, I feel like I'm back in time.

2. It's not always easy for me to recognize what I'm feeling, let alone express it. And when I do it's not always in the best manner/timing/way possible

3. I didn't really have a lot of female friends growing up, my parents tried their best but weren't models of a healthy relationship, and I was teased a lot as a kid, so having gone into a all boys HS i wasn't exactly ready for dating. Nor was I really clued into what a good, healthy, balanced, life-giving relationship was.

4. #2 & #3 made me feel like if I was ever i love I'd been on a high. Literally. Sounds silly but that's how I felt till I gained experienced. His comment about "we're not on the same page" maybe him just coming to terms with the fact that relationsihps still take work, aren't always easy. and

5 - He may have been rehearsing a lot of things in his head over the years, I know I didn't have a serious, serious relationship till I was 30 either, so you can definitely learn and grow a lot at that age and beyond. 34 now, two great relationships down - still looking for Mrs. Right, but I couldn't have gotten to where I am without those two and I wish them all the best

He could also be depressed and not diagnosed.

Like me, he could also have a fear of abandonment so he chalks certain things up so he has some sort of defense in case things don't work out

Or he could be simply a guy that feels deep but doesn't know how to not let things bother him

For whatever reason, make him feel safe and give him opportunities to come out of his shell if you care enough about him.

If it gets to be too much though you have to let him know

August 18, 2015

I agree with the notion of making him feel safe or giving him the chance to come out of his shell. If he feels like you're going to react negatively every time he gets quiet, that's just a bad feedback loop to be in. He has to feel free to be himself, even if that's withdrawn or quiet. The fact that seem upset when he gets that way is probably making him feel worse; plus he probably dreads having to have another conversation with you about it.

At the same time, it'd be good for him to know that prolonged bouts of that have negative consequences on your emotional wellbeing. There should be balance between who gets to feel comfortable and who has to kind of bide their time.

August 18, 2015

Eg: he sends me a pic of something that he felt represented us in some way and I didnt get the relation until he pointed it out, he gets sad that "we are never on the same page". He says it often that "I never understand him" or that "I never get him". .

Communication 101: When he says these things to you, you should respond with "In what way do YOU think we are not on the same page? Can you be more specific? Examples? Because I am not understanding.

Same when he says you never understand him. You respond with "how so? In what way do you think I don't understand you? I really want to understand you, but if you don't tell me what I am doing that causes you to think I don't understand you, then I will never understand you. And I really want to."

HE is as much of the problem as he thinks YOU are! He needs to communicate with you, in specifics. NOT just say "ugh, you don't understand me."

Sorry, that doesn't help me bud. How so??! Talk to me!

Edited August 18, 2015 by katiegrl

August 19, 2015

OP, I can't message you or else I'd leave this there, but I am also dating more of a non-communicator. Yes, it can be difficult to deal with, but I have found the following book to be tremendously helpful in terms of describing that fundamental difference between men and women and how to bridge that gap.

http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189

Obviously, y'all aren't married, but again it's useful information. I have read it and have used some its principles, and it's helped my relationship.

Just some food for thought.

Thanks! I will see if I can find this one at the library! Worth a shot.

August 19, 2015

Hey

Never apologize about a long post. The longer the post, the more information, and the better, more sharpened, and often times less biased opinion we can give as a community.

Now on to your dilemma. I can be one of those guys. I get moody easily for several reasons. Not saying any of these might be his, but maybe one or more might be. It's worth exploring and discussing as someone said

1. I was not given a lot of affection as a kid, so when I'm getting alot of it from a partner, I feel like I'm back in time.

2. It's not always easy for me to recognize what I'm feeling, let alone express it. And when I do it's not always in the best manner/timing/way possible

3. I didn't really have a lot of female friends growing up, my parents tried their best but weren't models of a healthy relationship, and I was teased a lot as a kid, so having gone into a all boys HS i wasn't exactly ready for dating. Nor was I really clued into what a good, healthy, balanced, life-giving relationship was.

4. #2 & #3 made me feel like if I was ever i love I'd been on a high. Literally. Sounds silly but that's how I felt till I gained experienced. His comment about "we're not on the same page" maybe him just coming to terms with the fact that relationsihps still take work, aren't always easy. and

5 - He may have been rehearsing a lot of things in his head over the years, I know I didn't have a serious, serious relationship till I was 30 either, so you can definitely learn and grow a lot at that age and beyond. 34 now, two great relationships down - still looking for Mrs. Right, but I couldn't have gotten to where I am without those two and I wish them all the best

He could also be depressed and not diagnosed.

Like me, he could also have a fear of abandonment so he chalks certain things up so he has some sort of defense in case things don't work out

Or he could be simply a guy that feels deep but doesn't know how to not let things bother him

For whatever reason, make him feel safe and give him opportunities to come out of his shell if you care enough about him.

If it gets to be too much though you have to let him know

Hi Scooby

Thanks for this. The part about him expecting to be on a high in a relationship hit home for sure. He does feel that way a lot of times and says I just want a constant flow of happiness.

His parents have a good relationship but yes he has never had much of a social life at all or any female friends rather. He is very close to his sister though...but doesnt get advice from her as he is a very private person.

I want to make him feel safe..I had a talk last night that didnt go so well . I am going to post about that now.

August 19, 2015

Communication 101: When he says these things to you, you should respond with "In what way do YOU think we are not on the same page? Can you be more specific? Examples? Because I am not understanding.

Same when he says you never understand him. You respond with "how so? In what way do you think I don't understand you? I really want to understand you, but if you don't tell me what I am doing that causes you to think I don't understand you, then I will never understand you. And I really want to."

HE is as much of the problem as he thinks YOU are! He needs to communicate with you, in specifics. NOT just say "ugh, you don't understand me."

Sorry, that doesn't help me bud. How so??! Talk to me!

Hi Katie

Yes he does give examples, like about clothing purchases, what to eat etc. That we are not on the same page.

About not understanding when I ask for examples, it is always "its hard to explain..I just dont feel you always just get me...sometimes you do".

He knows he is the problem..he says that too.

August 19, 2015

Communication 101: When he says these things to you, you should respond with "In what way do YOU think we are not on the same page? Can you be more specific? Examples? Because I am not understanding.

Same when he says you never understand him. You respond with "how so? In what way do you think I don't understand you? I really want to understand you, but if you don't tell me what I am doing that causes you to think I don't understand you, then I will never understand you. And I really want to."

HE is as much of the problem as he thinks YOU are! He needs to communicate with you, in specifics. NOT just say "ugh, you don't understand me."

Sorry, that doesn't help me bud. How so??! Talk to me!

All of this. OP, your guy is a crappy communicator. No wonder you feel sad and confused. Sulking and claiming you just don't understand him is childish and gets you nowhere.

He needs to speak up and be clear about what exactly he thinks isn't working here. If he really feels you're not on the same page and don't understand him, the relationship is essentially doomed.

August 19, 2015

Hi Katie

Yes he does give examples, like about clothing purchases, what to eat etc. That we are not on the same page.

About not understanding when I ask for examples, it is always "its hard to explain..I just dont feel you always just get me...sometimes you do".

He knows he is the problem..he says that too.

You have got to be kidding me. He thinks because you have different tastes in clothes and food you're not on the same page and you don't get him? Come on, now. He is really reaching there.

To me it seems more like he is looking for reasons not to let you get close to him, because to make drama out of not having the same tastes in clothes or food is petty and he is throwing up roadblocks. I would not have patience for a guy who creates a mountain out of molehill.

August 19, 2015

So we did end up talking last night aboout this quiet bout he was going through. It was about what I expected...him just not getting me. As in he feels I am a different person each time he thinks he gets me, something else will come up to throw him off. He doesnt think I am bipolar or a split personality, he says its subtle. For example he says I talk differently to him, than to my parents, thann to my friends, than to his friends etc. Again, he says its subtle. I told him people are not black and white, theres different parts to people.

He knows that, but he says that I keep seeing new sides of you and learning things about you, but he fears that what if tomorrow he learns something about me that he completely doesnt like, he will have invested all this time etc and will end up getting hurt. I told him what if you dont and that we are great together in every which way, he says he knows that too.."but he is just being practical", are his words.

He just doesnt know what to expect with me he says. He says that there are things about me he learns and it throws him back because he doesnt get how I may have acted a certain way.or made a certain decision. Eg: I had an old friend, that went thru a rough phase of stalking a girl he loved..she rejected him...he went into depression etc. Randomly heard from him saying he is doing better...I tell him about him and he got a bit upset saying "all this time we have been dating I never hear of this friend and now all of a sudden you are telling me of another weird friend! Why would you keep in touch with this person? He sounds beyond strange and I would be worried for you if you were to meet him! " So pretty much back to sq1..."I just dont ubderstand you"..."I dont get the decisions you make". He used the analogy of me being like a nut that he trying to crack and what if once he actually cracks that shell, he doesnt like that nut that is underneath. He is just worried that the longer we date the further I m going from him because he feels like he doesnt get me.

Guys I told him straight out then that this is exhausting and that I dont like dealing with this...that line kinda ruined it, he felt miserable.

He started saying things like it is always his fault and he feels terrible and just wants things to be better. He said he didnt feel good about himself. He said that he shouls just change himself and just accept everything about me and just accept everything I say or do. I told him that is not practical and he got upset saying "what do you want me to do then"??

Just the talk didnt go well, he was upset and felt ****ty...I was too. We went to bed..but it just doesnt feel good. He isnt a good sleeper otherwise abd I kniw this caused him to not sleep well at all and that makes me feel terrible. I just dont kniw what to say to him...does a relationship always go through this learning process about eachother? And there are these ups and downs while you learn things.

I just want these sad talks and these discussions to end and I just want him to know I am the same person in my core and to trust the love he has for me.

August 19, 2015

I'm sorry OP, but I would not continue this relationship. He's not ready. It's clear as day. He is making all kinds of excuses, but I think in the end the real reason is that he just doesn't want to/can't commit to you.

He is constantly looking for reasons to doubt you, to doubt the relationship, to confirm that his anxiety is valid. He isn't looking at the positives and the excitement of discovering different facets of you. He interprets everything as a strike against you, another reason why this won't work out, and that isn't fair. That isn't what someone who is emotionally ready for a relationship does.

The problem isn't you. It's him. It's not worth it. He's on the look-out for a reason to leave. Sooner or later he will find it. I would not go any further with this emotional obstacle course. It's not healthy for you.

August 19, 2015

I am just throwing out a guess here so take it for whatever it may be worth. I believe he is either

1. falling into depression

2. Its getting serious to him and he is now doubting and trying to figure out if this is what he wants. This can go into fear of commitment category

3. Number 2 is making him go into number 1.

Some men pop the question early and fast with the idea that if they don't propose she will get away. Some guys attempt to make sure 100% this is what they want the rest of their lives. This often leads to very long drawn-out courtship where he may never ask and is often said to be a fear of commitment.

I am not saying he is thinking about proposing but with the time wasting statements and constant we don't mesh/get each other; It seems he is trying to figure out of this is right.

August 19, 2015

I'm sorry OP, but I would not continue this relationship. He's not ready. It's clear as day. He is making all kinds of excuses, but I think in the end the real reason is that he just doesn't want to/can't commit to you.

He is constantly looking for reasons to doubt you, to doubt the relationship, to confirm that his anxiety is valid. He isn't looking at the positives and the excitement of discovering different facets of you. He interprets everything as a strike against you, another reason why this won't work out, and that isn't fair. That isn't what someone who is emotionally ready for a relationship does.

The problem isn't you. It's him. It's not worth it. He's on the look-out for a reason to leave. Sooner or later he will find it. I would not go any further with this emotional obstacle course. It's not healthy for you.

Agree with Expat. Break up with him, he wants you to break up with him because he's too much of a pansy to do it himself. Everything points to that.

Reading your last post re your talk, he sounds unhealthily RIGID. People, couples, are ALWAYS changing, growing, evolving, together and as individuals.

For example, I am not the same person today that I was five years ago when I met my boyfriend, and neither is he! Hell, I am probably not the same as I was last month even, or last week! Lol

We are always evolving, which requires CHANGE. It's also what keeps a relationship fun and exciting .....instead of meh, same ole same ole.

Your boyfriend is afraid of change. He is rigid, and not open to that change, or growth.He wants no surprises. He wants you to be the same way, react and respond to the same things in the same way, 100% predictable, every day, no deviation.

He'd be better off buying a freaking robot and programming that robot to his preference .... to how he wants it to behave and react, no deviation, no variance, no change, just the same all the time, each and every day .....and then maybe he will be happy. Ugh.

Because a real live human being is not *programmed* that way. There is a certain level of unpredictability in all of us. Couples are always learning new things about each other, most people welcome and enjoy this ...as again it's what keeps a relationship fresh and exciting!

Tell your boyfriend you are sorry he feels you don't *understand* him and don't *get* him (even tho it sounds to me like HE is the one who does not get YOU!) ... ....and then end it.

Tell him since he is not open to change, in either you or the relationship, suggest he buy himself a robot so he can program it to his specific liking...and preference.

That way there will be no surprises, no change, just the same ole every day ....nothing to "throw him off."

You will be better off ...I mean do you really want someone like him, someone so dam rigid requiring you to behave like a robot? Reacting and responding in the same way, every day for the rest of your life...lest you "throw him off"?

Oh and be sure to make a list of everything you ever did in your past, every person you ever interacted with, because god forbid you spring some new info on him he did not know previously. You might "throw him off."

Edited August 19, 2015 by katiegrl

August 19, 2015

Agree with Expat. Break up with him, he wants you to break up with him because he's too much of a pansy to do it himself. Everything points to that.

Reading your last post re your talk, he sounds unhealthily RIGID. People, couples, are ALWAYS changing, growing, evolving, together and as individuals.

For example, I am not the same person today that I was five years ago when I met my boyfriend, and neither is he! Hell, I am probably not the same as I was last month even, or last week! Lol

We are always evolving, which requires CHANGE. It's also what keeps a relationship fun and exciting .....instead of meh, same ole same ole.

Your boyfriend is afraid of change. He is rigid, and not open to that change, or growth.He wants no surprises. He wants you to be the same way, react and respond to the same things in the same way, 100% predictable, every day, no deviation.

He'd be better off buying a freaking robot and programming that robot to his preference .... to how he wants it to behave and react, no deviation, no variance, no change, just the same all the time, each and every day .....and then maybe he will be happy. Ugh.

Because a real live human being is not *programmed* that way. There is a certain level of unpredictability in all of us. Couples are always learning new things about each other, most people welcome and enjoy this ...as again it's what keeps a relationship fresh and exciting!

Tell your boyfriend you are sorry he feels you don't *understand* him and don't *get* him (even tho it sounds to me like HE is the one who does not get YOU!) ... ....and then end it.

Tell him since he is not open to change, in either you or the relationship, suggest he buy himself a robot so he can program it to his specific liking...and preference.

That way there will be no surprises, no change, just the same ole every day ....nothing to "throw him off."

You will be better off ...I mean do you really want someone like him, someone so dam rigid requiring you to behave like a robot? Reacting and responding in the same way, every day for the rest of your life...lest you "throw him off"?

Oh and be sure to make a list of everything you ever did in your past, every person you ever interacted with, because god forbid you spring some new info on him he did not know previously. You might "throw him off."

@Katiegrl - I'd like to suggest that it's a bit much to be on here advocating a split when she hasn't really talked much about their everyday and that she's really only concerned about this one thing - his moodiness and what he says when he's in a funk.

I do agree it MAY BE worth ending it or not investing in it for a while to see what he does. I myself am proof that there's a fear out there known as the fear of abandonment. It's real and it has a deep impact on what a person says or does. If it's coupled with a shy and/or isolated childhood it can really be a knock - particularly for guys. He may simply be unconsciously trying to protect himself in case SHE breaks up with HIM. He sounds like he's used to disappointment and being hurt. Not saying that's true, that's just a 1,000 mile away observation based on the poster's comments & description.

I would say you would benefit from asking yourself is it worth it to try and help him see that just because things change or things aren't perfect that doesn't mean you don't care for him or will leave him.

It's not different than a person deciding if they can put up with the consequences of someone having children, someone being divorced, someone being in debt, and all the other things that can happen when two people come together.

And......the question is he being himself? I mean, I clung to friends because I was afraid of losing them, being judged, and also because I was afraid that i wouldn't make any new ones. I've learned over the years that I can do what I love, do what I want (in a healthy way) and no one real would judge me as not being good enough or not doing enough, or being a bad person if I was just myself. He could be saying those things because in his mind he knows he wants to do x,y,z and he's afraid if he does them or says it you'll leave or it will turn out that you aren't compatible if he comes out of his shell. If that's the case then yes, I'd say you owe it to yourself to de-invest and move on wishing him the best and encouraging him to just be himself and let go. Many guys who were teased a lot or had controlling parents or were isolated as children have a hard time avoiding trying to please everyone and just let loose and be themselves and see that good things will come.

Sorry you have had to go through this, but it will all work out one way or the other. I know those are cheap words when your heart hurts, but look at it this way - if it doesn't work out you've helped each other and learned from it and are hopefully better people because of it.

August 19, 2015

@Katiegrl - I'd like to suggest that it's a bit much to be on here advocating a split when she hasn't really talked much about their everyday and that she's really only concerned about this one thing - his moodiness and what he says when he's in a funk.

Fair enough, however I would like to point I am not the only one advocating a split.

What I should have said is that if it were me dealing with this (which is how I normally word things)....I would end it.

For me, this ONE thing would be a big enough issue for me to end it.... I mean his "funk" and "moodiness," is something the OP stated happens every WEEK for as long as they have been together - a year and a half.

And it's causing her to fall into her own funk.

If you read her last post (no. 15), she DID talk to him, or tried to. It did not go well; he didn't "get it," and wasn't open to the conversation. How does one deal with a person like this?

She stated:

>>Just the talk didnt go well, he was upset and felt ****ty...I was too.

This is not healthy, and once a week?

No thank you.

Edited August 19, 2015 by katiegrl

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