Goodbye Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Background: I'm divorced with teens as is he. We've been dating about 9 months. Things got serious quickly. Recently, there have been things that have been bothering me and it is all building up. Admittedly, I'm not great with confrontation, but getting better. I ended things two weeks ago after a series of smaller events, concluding we weren't compatible/it wasn't the right time for us. I didn't go NC because it wasn't a toxic relationship, more just not a "perfect" one. I admit I'm picky because I do not need a man in my life to be happy, it is more the icing on the cake of life. I'm financially secure, have kids already, have a nice home, have friends. Perhaps this is why the quality of sex is important in a relationship, along with more important things such as compatibility with my family. Perhaps I am shallow, but he struggles with ED but will not discuss it, minimizes it. I often internalize this, feeling ugly, worn out, generally bad sexually. We haven't had much time alone lately due to our kids summer schedules. My kids were out of town and he was away on a business trip. He wanted me to come stay with him (2 hours away) for the night. I asked him if this would interfere with his work schedule and he said "no," he didn't need to be at the trade show until 1pm the following day. So, I drove down to see him. It was nice to see him, passionate kissing, mediocre sex. He fell asleep immediately after. At 1am I woke up with a huge fever...sweating, dizzy, unwell. He comforted me briefly, got me some tylenol. I eventually went back to sleep, hoping to sleep a bit this morning. His alarm goes off very early (5am), he seems to be horny. In my half dead state, I give him a blow job and start to fall back asleep, still not well. He tells me he "feels guilty" about not being "on the floor" of the trade show (although yesterday he told me he wasn't going down until 1pm). I became internally angry. Silently went to the bathroom, dressed and said goodbye. He sent me a couple of texts apologizing for upsetting me, that I "misunderstood." I got home and slept for another 4 hours, sick. He thinks he is coming here tonight as I don't have my kids Tuesday nights. I don't think I even want to see him. He texted me at 10:30 telling me that the trade show was "boring." Nothing since then.
LeslieKnope Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Sorry, you said you broke up? Doesn't sound like it. 1
Author Goodbye Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 Sorry, you said you broke up? Doesn't sound like it. Not "officially," but I feel myself going in that direction. Which sucks. Guess I more vanished than broke up.
LeslieKnope Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Got it. The thing is: if he's getting what he wants and you're not, then you've got yourself a problem here. Two, really: 1) he's too selfish to notice/care that you're not getting satisfied. 2) You have not fully confronted him about his sexual dysfunction and communicated your needs. Sexual dysfunction can certainly be managed if the person(s) seek(s) help, like a sex therapist or gp. It doesn't have to be embarrassing. But if one or both of you aren't willing to talk to each other and/or seek out remedies, then you're going to continue feeling ugly and worn out for a long time. A good relationship does the very opposite of that, regardless of age.
Author Goodbye Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 Got it. The thing is: if he's getting what he wants and you're not, then you've got yourself a problem here. Two, really: 1) he's too selfish to notice/care that you're not getting satisfied. 2) You have not fully confronted him about his sexual dysfunction and communicated your needs. Sexual dysfunction can certainly be managed if the person(s) seek(s) help, like a sex therapist or gp. It doesn't have to be embarrassing. But if one or both of you aren't willing to talk to each other and/or seek out remedies, then you're going to continue feeling ugly and worn out for a long time. A good relationship does the very opposite of that, regardless of age. True. I did try to talk with him openly about it. He shut it down. He once referenced in vague terms his last gf taking issue with it as well. Its hard for women...we are supposed to tip toe around the topic so not to create "more anxiety," but yet when we don't get any feedback it's hard not to start taking it personally. I think the work comment this morning triggered some lingering issues I have from my marriage where my exH put his career above everything else...marriage, kids, health. I felt rejected. I know some of it is my own baggage. But when you get to my age, you've got baggage. I try to sort through what is what...but right now, I just don't know. That is why I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't date anyone.
kismetkismet Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 He needs to address his ED. Sexual compatibility in a relationship IS important, and that's not shallow or wrong. It's a human need just as emotional compatibility and fulfillment is. I'm defintiely not justifying people who say - go out and cheat while their wife is recovering from childbirth because she can't manage sex, or because there is a lull etc. It never justifies cheating. But it IS something that needs to be worked on to find a way for both of you to feel comfortable and fulfilled in the relationship. However, you're probably going to need to be direct with him. You say that you tried to bring it up with him.. try again. Do it nicely, research some of the ways that ED can be managed, say it's because you love him and WANT him etc. make it more about how attracted you are to him and want him sexually, than about being 'unfulfilled'. If you leave him without even trying to see if he can/will fix it you might leave without closure.. I have difficulty communicating about my feelings very clearly and didn't manage to explain succinctly to my ex boyfriend how my emotional needs were not being met... I thought that i had hinted enough but he had shut it down... so one day i just gave up and left. Then I spent the next 5 months going back and forth with him trying to sort out why we'd broken up because neither of us REALLY had any closure. You can't just run away from problems usually unfortunately.. 1
Gus Grimly Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I do not need a man in my life to be happy. My Ex said that to me a week after she dumped me, next thing I know she's on every dating site under the sun and taking a romantic weekend getaway with some guy she met only 3 weeks after she broke our engagement. Like you she's got the good job, house, kids, and enough baggage to fill 5 suitcases. Obviously that's not stopping her from trying to find her "dream man". At least she has confidence. Perhaps that's what you are lacking, confidence in yourself and your relationship. Relationships take a lot of work and with all your responsibilities I get why you feel like throwing in the towel. It's never too late. Just last May a 94-year-old man graduated college, he didn't give up, neither should you. Your relationship with this man sounds lame. He's not attentive to your needs. It's not like you are being demanding. Wanting a healthy relationship isn't a bad thing. Don't feel guilty for speaking up, we men aren't mind readers ya know. There's a lot you can do to spice things up in the bedroom. It does sound like he's only looking out for his needs and not yours. ED can be embarrassing for a guy, but if he's not willing to acknowledge the issue and refuses to satisfy you in other ways, I wouldn't bother sticking around. 2
Author Goodbye Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 My Ex said that to me a week after she dumped me, next thing I know she's on every dating site under the sun and taking a romantic weekend getaway with some guy she met only 3 weeks after she broke our engagement. Like you she's got the good job, house, kids, and enough baggage to fill 5 suitcases. Obviously that's not stopping her from trying to find her "dream man". At least she has confidence. Perhaps that's what you are lacking, confidence in yourself and your relationship. Relationships take a lot of work and with all your responsibilities I get why you feel like throwing in the towel. It's never too late. Just last May a 94-year-old man graduated college, he didn't give up, neither should you. Your relationship with this man sounds lame. He's not attentive to your needs. It's not like you are being demanding. Wanting a healthy relationship isn't a bad thing. Don't feel guilty for speaking up, we men aren't mind readers ya know. There's a lot you can do to spice things up in the bedroom. It does sound like he's only looking out for his needs and not yours. ED can be embarrassing for a guy, but if he's not willing to acknowledge the issue and refuses to satisfy you in other ways, I wouldn't bother sticking around. Yeah...I think that is true for most of us. We say we don't "need" anyone...but still don't desire to be alone. I absolutely LOVED being on my own after my divorce. Then I started dating and it rekindled my desire to be with men. Should have just let myself become a cat lady. 1
aloneinaz Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Should have just let myself become a cat lady. Nah, you just need to follow your gut and kick this dude to the curb. You really have many issues with him and at 9 months, clearly the honeymoon phase is over. This is usually when people decide to continue or eject out of the R/S. Also being a middle age person and having a divorce under my belt, I have no patience for BS in any R/S especially after my last nightmare. Dating can suck but it certainly beats staying in a crappy R/S, w/lousy sex. Oh hell no.. I think you know you need to move on from this dude. Find someone who's not selfish in the sack and his plumbing works correctly. Life's far too short to settle. 2
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