hazlxeyes Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 (edited) Well, first off, I have to say, all in all my boyfriend andI have a pretty good relationship. We’ve been together 8 months and on manydifferent levels, nothing has changed *knock on wood* haha ... we’re still justas attracted to one another since the day we met, the talking with us is alwaysconsistent, the feelings we have for one another are just as strong and thepassion we have for one another intimately is still insanely powerful He’s 30, I’m 25 and we get along very well. We share thesame morals and values. We also share similar interests but still have ourdifferences in which we’re always open to learning from one another. We alwayshave fun when we’re together and we always enjoy spending time together (nomatter if it’s alone or if it’s something involving family/friends). Majorityof the time we’re pretty on it with communicating with one another, we talkevery night on the phone, catching up on our days and talk about any andeverything under the sun. I would say we’ve had maybe a handful of glitcheswhere the communication lacked a bit and we didn’t properly discuss a situation.Though it was never anything majorly serious that caused a big blow up in theend, we always work through everything Now here’s the negative (which can also be considered apositive)… he works A LOT! Which is a good quality to have, being a hard worker;he always tells me he believes he’ll be a good supporter for me in the future. Whenhim and I met and started dating, he informed me at that point that he doeswork a lot between a full time job and doing part time work at his family’srestaurant. So when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I knew what I gettinginto, realizing that a few nights a week we weren’t going to be able to hangout and every other weekend that he worked late was going to be tough as well.In the end, we made it work and still got a decent amount of time to spendtogether. It also helps that his family’s restaurant is right in my town andright next to my job so between that and the fact that I live about 3 minutesaway it allows me easy access to pop by and see him. But unless we’re hangingby him at work, we still don’t get a lot of time to hang out alone or go outand do things with all the time he works About 2 months into our relationship, he told me that he hadan addiction to pain pills for about 8 months (prior to before we met), onenight he came out and told me he stopped taking them cold turkey but was goingto the hospital considering he was now dealing with the withdrawal effects fromit all. He told me he was stopping them for me because he was seeing how greateverything was going with us and didn’t want to ruin things by having thisproblem. I was totally supportive of what he was choosing to do and was veryhappy to hear he wanted to break the habit. From that point on, everything wasstill very good with us, though he definitely had his ups and downs. He stillhas his ups and downs but we manage to work through it and we believe it makesus stronger as a couple if we can get through a serious situation like this Now there’s been another change to things, he hasn’t beenhappy with his full time job. There’s no room to grow in the company that he’sat and instead of being under paid to deal with the bull**** and no chance tomove up he decided to quit. Now he’s in the process of looking for a new jobbut luckily has his family’s place, so he can work more hours to supplement hisincome. But with this he’s working even more and more late nights. I get to seehim almost every day which is nice and I’ll even hang out with him some nightsafter the restaurant closes while he does his cleaning but at the same time itdoesn’t compensate for us spending quality time together I honestly can’t remember the last time we’ve been on adate. He’ll sometimes come by on Friday or Saturday nights after he’s doneworking and we’ll just relax for a bit or sometimes I’ll go by him and spend anight but otherwise when we get chances to be together there’s always other peoplearound. His family has a shore house so we’ll go down on the weekends he’s off butthere’s always a bunch of other people down there when we are, his brother andsister-in-law always invite a ton of people who he happens to be friends withas well, so there’s always a party going on. It’s nice sometimes but when wedon’t get a lot of time together, it can kind of wear on you, especially whenin all honesty I’ve been sexually frustrated with the lack of “alone time” –once a week just doesn’t cut it for me. I hope it picks up to how it used tobe He doesn’t get a lot of free time anymore so I understand Ican’t take up every bit of what he does have when it’s important for him to gettime for himself as well as time with his friends. A lot of the time he’s tiredas well, being on his feet for 10+ hours a day can be very draining I don’t know what to do with all of this. A lot of the time,I’ll make plans for us on his days off or something so we have a plan withsomething to do but at the same time I don’t want to nag on him… We always say,“Yes, let’s do this one night”, “We definitely need to go here one day” and soon so forth but we can never commit to a date for something. I don’t know what else to really do. Any Opinions? Edited August 18, 2015 by hazlxeyes
d0nnivain Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 The restaurant hospitality business is unlike other professions. Because they are where most people play, their busiest times are when others are off. You will NEVER have 9-5 with weekends off if his family owns the business. If that is what you want, do not date anybody in this profession. Stay away from cops, firemen & medical personnel too. The pills could have been a red flag but it appears he has that under control. The decision to leave a job without having another lined up doesn't strike me as well thought out but since he does have another source of income it's not completely crazy. Unless you have the ability to spend time with him when he's off from the restaurant, say Tuesday mornings you aren't going to get your alone time.
Jacob_Duluoz Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Ask him where he see's himself going in terms of work in the long-run. Does he want a new career or does he want to work in the family restaurant? Otherwise you're not going to be able to find a real compromise since there are only so many hours in the day.
casey.lives Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 (edited) when you are young is when ambition needs to be met with full force. It's a now or never deal. He's 30 and still unstable. You should be impressed with his focus and his seriousness, as a man. Be patient .. this hard work is for the both of you. Are you working?? You should be just as busy too.. The weekend is suffice.. you're not married. just enjoy your quality time Edited August 18, 2015 by casey.lives
ExpatInItaly Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 The restaurant hospitality business is unlike other professions. Because they are where most people play, their busiest times are when others are off. You will NEVER have 9-5 with weekends off if his family owns the business. If that is what you want, do not date anybody in this profession. Stay away from cops, firemen & medical personnel too. The pills could have been a red flag but it appears he has that under control. The decision to leave a job without having another lined up doesn't strike me as well thought out but since he does have another source of income it's not completely crazy. Unless you have the ability to spend time with him when he's off from the restaurant, say Tuesday mornings you aren't going to get your alone time. A big, gigantic 2nd to this! My ex of 8 years is a chef and restaurant owner. We lived together for 6.5 years, but it was not easy. I am a teacher so our schedules were always opposite. Holidays and weekends were spent separately, as he was always at the restaurant during those times. Any free time he did have was often spent catching up on sleep as his job was so demanding. It got to the point where we slept in the same bed, but that was about it. I really believe his work demands were a big factor in our eventual break-up, as we had so little quality time together that we really grew apart. Another caution is that the restaurant business is notorious for being a breeding ground for substance use/abuse. I cannot tell you how many of my ex's colleagues got involved in drinking and partying until all hours. of course, there are plenty of restaurant workers who do not partake. But given your boyfriend's history with substance abuse, I think you need to at least take this into consideration. I am not saying all of this to scare you. Successful relationships are possible, but you can expect to spend a lot of time alone too. Just make sure you really know what you're getting into. 1
scooby-philly Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 A big, gigantic 2nd to this! My ex of 8 years is a chef and restaurant owner. We lived together for 6.5 years, but it was not easy. I am a teacher so our schedules were always opposite. Holidays and weekends were spent separately, as he was always at the restaurant during those times. Any free time he did have was often spent catching up on sleep as his job was so demanding. It got to the point where we slept in the same bed, but that was about it. I really believe his work demands were a big factor in our eventual break-up, as we had so little quality time together that we really grew apart. Another caution is that the restaurant business is notorious for being a breeding ground for substance use/abuse. I cannot tell you how many of my ex's colleagues got involved in drinking and partying until all hours. of course, there are plenty of restaurant workers who do not partake. But given your boyfriend's history with substance abuse, I think you need to at least take this into consideration. I am not saying all of this to scare you. Successful relationships are possible, but you can expect to spend a lot of time alone too. Just make sure you really know what you're getting into. Okay - #1 rule here is not to project your past onto someone else. That is, you can give advice saying this is what happened to me, but it's also fruitless if that's all you offer and don't say - so be on the lookout for this, or consider that - that's helpful and not biased. I mean, she said he was off the painkillers before he met her, so if they've been together 10 months he's either close to or over a year clean. And painkillers are not herion or crack. Yes, the restaurant business is a ground for drugs, sex, and workaholism with odd hours. But he left with a back up plan. He left for good reasons. She did not share how his search has been going or her opinion of his tactic. So right now it's all speculation. Her concern is over their lack of quality time together now, not their long term future. In this case the best bet is to tell him how you feel and make sure he proposes alternatives to help you find that quality time.
Author hazlxeyes Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 -I definitely realize the hospitality industry is a pretty rough industry to work in. I have to say though, luckily since the restaurant is family owned they close on holidays and holiday weekends. Which you really don't find often so we've gotten very lucky to be able to spend christmas, new years, valentines, easter, mdw and forth of july weekend together. It's also not too difficult for him to switch shifts with someone if there's something we have going on. -Tuesday nights happen to be our night where we spend time together. I'll usually go and hang with him at the restaurant while he's closing up, once he's done we'll just sit and bull****, have something to eat.. we definitely make it a good time.. it might not be ideal, unfortunately we're not cuddling on the couch watching a movie but we sacrifice staying up til possibly 3AM to jst spend the time together. -His full time job was working on computers. He worked in desktop support, he definitely knows what he's doing when it comes to technology. I know he's been searching for a new job in that field so he's not giving up there, he has also put thought in maybe taking over the family business once his parents retire but he's hesitant due to the fact that he doesn't want to hardly see his kids the way he hardly saw his dad. -If he were to take over the family business. I would definitely consider working with him on my days off to help out. -I'm a hairstylist so unfortunately it adds a bit more conflicts with our schedules. My biggest fear is that I don't want us to lose time together causing us to drift apart, I always say 'if we lived together it'd be easier' because my belief is atleast we're seeing eachother every night and sleeping next to one another. He tells me he wants to marry me and have a family together, I really do believe he's the one for me. He has many great qualities that you don't find in a lot of men anymore and the fact that he's such a hard worker and will do whatever he needs to make money is a very good thing but I jst don't want it to take over the relationship. As to the whole issue with the pain killers... he has a bad back and started taking them because his chiropractor prescribed them and unfortunately when the dose didn't work anymore, he kept up-ing his own dose and that's how all of that happened unfortunately.
Oregon_Dude Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 It sounds like you two have a good relationship. Try making it clear to him, though, that you really want to spend more time together, and that it's one of your needs. If this matters to him, he will find a way to prioritize you more. However, if this continues and he's not able to make enough time for you, you may need to consider that you need someone who can fit you into their life, and he may not be it. I have a feeling you guys will work it out. Just be honest with him, tell him you love him and need to see him more.
Author hazlxeyes Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 When there's something bothering me, whether it be over the whole lack of quality time issue or something else. I'll always talk to him. Sometimes I might try to joke and sound a little light hearted with it, like "Oh you don't like spending time with your girlfriend anymore." - When I hit him with that line about a months ago he was like "You know that's not true!" and definitely don't believe that to be the honest issue. As a girl, we know men though.. basically have to hit the nail on the head, they don't get the round about remarks haha. When we were together tonight, we actually kind of got on the topic of things and started talking about how we haven't been doing a lot sexually. I told him how we started off doing stuff two to three times a week to now once a week or depending on circumstances, once every other week. He said that we've basically gotten too laxed on it all, that we've been letting things get in the way and we've got to make more time for it. I was like, THANK GOD he's now realizing. I was so happy to hear it all come from him for once! The only thing is if he's realizing this now, I just hope he acts on it and makes more moves to help fix the issue. I told him on the bright side at least our relationship isn't based on just sex if we're able to still have a great relationship with the lack of sex from time to time. All in all, I'm glad his eye's are opening up a bit. I just hope he makes some moves to help the quality time issue knowing what he seems to realize now.
d0nnivain Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Couples do become more comfortable with each other & do need to find time to connect. Since the family restaurant seems to have "sane" hours, it might not be the job but the passage of time. N.B. Moving in now will make that worse not better.
Els Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 (edited) I completely understand that quality time would be difficult to obtain with one of you working 9-5 and the other working two jobs (with one being in hospitality), so I empathize with you and your bf's struggles. That being said, one cannot reasonably expect to be able to work all the time without EVER being able to go out on a date, while maintaining a relationship for the long term. We can't have everything - it's all part of juggling a career and other things that we want in life. People usually have to choose, or compromise. Is this a transitory period, and do you expect it to get better? Will he be able to transition to just one job instead of two, in the near future? If this is likely to be permanent, I don't think it's fair for you to make yourself put up with this if you're not okay with it. Relationships need quality time to thrive. While career is also extremely important, IMO if someone is not making any quality time whatsoever for their partner, they cannot reasonably expect him/her to stay in the relationship. Especially after only 8 months together. Bear in mind I do understand the predicament. My SO works very long hours as well (60-70 a week), which does pose a few problems, but he does get weekends off sometimes, and I can definitely remember the last time we went out on a date (last Sunday). If he never got a day off, ever, I don't think I would be able to handle that for the long term either. We are only human. Would it be possible for your bf to take just one evening off a week from his part-time family business? Edited August 19, 2015 by Elswyth
Author hazlxeyes Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 @d0nnivain :: My mom has said that too actually. About people getting more comfortable in relationships and what not. Once you're both comfortable sometimes you slack thinking the other person will completely understand. Which I am very understanding but at the same time I can only take so much. How will moving in make that worse? @Elswyth :: Yeah, even being a hairstylist it's not the easiest when it comes to the hours I work. The weekends he's off, I miss half the day on Saturday so we'll only get a full Sunday, Monday I'm off and he's working all day. I mean, on a normal basis we wont do anything until Saturday night anyway but if it's a case of going down the shore, it really sucks that he's been there since Friday night and I don't get to join in on the fun until about 6PM when I arrive. But we all have to make sacrifices unfortunately. I really hope he goes back to a 9-5 job, I mean, I'm dealing with the current situation now cause I know it's not permanent. ----------- One thing we're very different with is when it comes to spending nights together. I live home with my parents and he's currently living home until he finds a place and moves out (him and his brother used to own a house together and when his brother got married, he basically got kicked out and went to live back at home) - anyway... his parents don't care when I'll stay over, as my parents don't care if he stays here.. one difference is we're allowed to sleep together by him but we're not allowed to sleep together at my house (my father doesn't like it). We talk on the phone every night before we go to sleep. When we're on the phone at night sometimes he'll hit me with "why aren't you here with me," or I'll say "someone's missing, you should be here next to me" and we'll tease about it but in all honesty, getting a night a week to spend together would really help. If he really wants that though, he needs to say something to me earlier in the day, "Come stay over tonight" or have a set night of Sunday to Monday or something. I'm not just going to say "I'm sleeping over later". He'll sooner stay on the phone with me all night long and start falling asleep while we're on the phone (which happens 3/4 of the time), which I don't care cause usually both getting tired and we're both dozing off, more so than asking me at a reasonable hour to come and spend the night. He tells me since he's tired he's not much company, which makes sense cause the second he lays down, he'll pass right out. It seems like he'd rather be on his own for the time being, maybe he considers it as a bit of alone time, knowing that he's not going to have that forever. Though I look at it as if we're going to be on the phone all night until we fall asleep (in separate beds), why not just be in the same bed and fall asleep together.
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