I was a rude to her

[Zoeva]

My gf of 5 years broke up with me, something I really never imagined to happen as I thought we were meant for each other.

 

Now she has valid reasons for breaking up with me, I wasn't always as thoughtful and I could have showed more effort. But then again our relationship wasn't ideal, her parents didn't approve of us which made it harder to meet up and do things. From time to time she would lie to her parents that she had a wedding or whatever and then she would sleep over. She was mad at me that I didn't do any effort when she would sleep over. She would usually watch TV and I'd be behind the computer.

 

Other reasons she gave me were that I never satisfied her in the bedroom, which is true but it's so complicated with women or that when we would meet up, I would only arrange regular things like shopping and the movies.

 

Also; I met another girl few times in the store and I really wanted to meet up with her because I had "feelings" for her. She made me feel good about me, complimented my hair when my gf didn't. I ended up adding her on FB but she declined. I didn't tell this to my gf back then, but my gf found out through my FB messages. I really wanted my gf to know the name of this girl, but she didn't want to for some reason. Which was unfair in my eyes. The girl from the store told me she had a boyfriend when I spoke her later and that's why she declined. Then why would she flirt with me??

 

Truth is she can be pretty unstable, she would get mad for no reason at all and blame me for everything. Is it possible she broke up with me because she had an unstable moment? I know I could have showed more effort in our relationship, but the relationship was everything but ideal, she always sided with her mother instead of choosing for me, the man of her dreams.

 

What do I do? Let her go? I really love her and want to show more effort but she doesn't seem to want anymore...

[LeslieKnope]

Good lord, where to begin?

 

1. Your ex girlfriend is not unstable, at least regarding her hurt feelings about you PURSUING ANOTHER GIRL. What the heck were you thinking?! How did you think that was going to end? How did you not see her getting angry at that?

 

2. Her parents' lack of approval was not good. After 5 years together, that should have given you pause.

 

3. You said yourself you weren't putting in any effort in the relationship. Why on earth would she want to go back to that?

 

4. If you weren't meeting her sexual needs AND you knew it, then YOU were also being pretty selfish. I know people can be shy about asking what their partners want (and vice versa), but you weren't shy enough to not take your clothes off, were you? Next girlfriend, whoever she is, you need to do that. It's not complicated, it's just communication. You ask her what she wants and you do it. Then you worry about your own needs.

 

Final verdict: move on. You checked out first, not her.

[quattrob]

My gf of 5 years broke up with me, something I really never imagined to happen as I thought we were meant for each other.

 

Now she has valid reasons for breaking up with me, I wasn't always as thoughtful and I could have showed more effort. But then again our relationship wasn't ideal, her parents didn't approve of us which made it harder to meet up and do things. From time to time she would lie to her parents that she had a wedding or whatever and then she would sleep over. She was mad at me that I didn't do any effort when she would sleep over. She would usually watch TV and I'd be behind the computer.

 

Other reasons she gave me were that I never satisfied her in the bedroom, which is true but it's so complicated with women or that when we would meet up, I would only arrange regular things like shopping and the movies.

 

Also; I met another girl few times in the store and I really wanted to meet up with her because I had "feelings" for her. She made me feel good about me, complimented my hair when my gf didn't. I ended up adding her on FB but she declined. I didn't tell this to my gf back then, but my gf found out through my FB messages. I really wanted my gf to know the name of this girl, but she didn't want to for some reason. Which was unfair in my eyes. The girl from the store told me she had a boyfriend when I spoke her later and that's why she declined. Then why would she flirt with me??

 

Truth is she can be pretty unstable, she would get mad for no reason at all and blame me for everything. Is it possible she broke up with me because she had an unstable moment? I know I could have showed more effort in our relationship, but the relationship was everything but ideal, she always sided with her mother instead of choosing for me, the man of her dreams.

 

What do I do? Let her go? I really love her and want to show more effort but she doesn't seem to want anymore...

 

 

 

Not sure if what you posted is what you meant to type but you were flirting and potentially wanted to cheat with a girl from a store while you were still in a relationship with your gf? And you wanted your gf to know this girl's name? and when she didn't want to know you think that's unfair? What the heck is wrong with you? and then you even put blame on your gf that she would get mad at your for no reason and that she's unstable.

 

 

If that is all true, I'm glad she broke up with you. You didn't put any effort and you were flirting with some other girl. Don't blame others for your actions. If a girl flirts with you it doesn't mean that automatically allows you to do the same. You are accountable for your own actions. Seriously grow up man, until you do you shouldn't ever be in a relationship, you will just hurt yourself and others.

[Zoeva]

Good lord, where to begin?

 

1. Your ex girlfriend is not unstable, at least regarding her hurt feelings about you PURSUING ANOTHER GIRL. What the heck were you thinking?! How did you think that was going to end? How did you not see her getting angry at that?

 

2. Her parents' lack of approval was not good. After 5 years together, that should have given you pause.

 

3. You said yourself you weren't putting in any effort in the relationship. Why on earth would she want to go back to that?

 

4. If you weren't meeting her sexual needs AND you knew it, then YOU were also being pretty selfish. I know people can be shy about asking what their partners want (and vice versa), but you weren't shy enough to not take your clothes off, were you? Next girlfriend, whoever she is, you need to do that. It's not complicated, it's just communication. You ask her what she wants and you do it. Then you worry about your own needs.

 

Final verdict: move on. You checked out first, not her.

 

1. It was just nice to finally have someone recognize me and not complain all the time about the things I'm not doing good. The thing that frustrated my ex the most was that she was 17 (looked a lot older though) and that I still wanted to pursue her even though I know I knew her real age. I'm almost 30 btw. Which sounds wrong I guess but she looked a lot older.

 

2. It was because of cultural differences. Her culture says that the man needs to go to the parents and ask for her hand. I procrastinated that I guess.

 

3. Because I see it now and I really want to show her that I can be different to her. I want to please her sexually, I want to do fun new things with her etc. I just cannot lose her.

 

4. Well, even if I tried she would complain that it either hurt, that it was too sensitive or whatever. It was always something that I was doing wrong. Few weeks ago she apparently said no to sex, which I didn't got, I thought she was just saying no but needed time to get horny. But apparently she wasn't happy about that because I didn't respect her declining sex and pushed her into it.

 

I can't lose her after 5 years, I can't live without her and I love her so much

[Satu]

*Attention* is a kind of 'food' for people and relationships.

 

If you don't give your partner and your relationship enough attention, they starve and wither away.

 

Take note of this.

 

As regards the other girl: the previous posters said it all.

[Zoeva]

Not sure if what you posted is what you meant to type but you were flirting and potentially wanted to cheat with a girl from a store while you were still in a relationship with your gf? And you wanted your gf to know this girl's name? and when she didn't want to know you think that's unfair? What the heck is wrong with you? and then you even put blame on your gf that she would get mad at your for no reason and that she's unstable.

 

 

If that is all true, I'm glad she broke up with you. You didn't put any effort and you were flirting with some other girl. Don't blame others for your actions. If a girl flirts with you it doesn't mean that automatically allows you to do the same. You are accountable for your own actions. Seriously grow up man, until you do you shouldn't ever be in a relationship, you will just hurt yourself and others.

 

My intention was never to cheat on her, I just wanted to know what these feelings for this girl said about our relationship. It was never for sex or whatever, I only wanted to know what these feelings meant. She didn't understand this and said that if there were issues in our relationship, I should have talked about it, which is a good point. And honestly I've told about this girl to all my male friends and they all didn't see the issue. I never cheated on her so what's the problem? And I knew the name of one of her male friends so why can she not know the name of this girl?

[Gus Grimly]

My intention was never to cheat on her, I just wanted to know what these feelings for this girl said about our relationship.

 

Well then, I think we can close the book on that. That's the most reasonable thing I've ever heard. Listen up everyone, if you are having doubts about your relationship, hook up with someone else and see how you feel about it afterwards.

 

Seriously? She couldn't understand why you were trying to hookup with another woman? On top of that she refused to know her name? OMG, chicks these days am I right?

 

/end sarcasm

[Satu]

Snip

 

*And honestly I've told about this girl to all my male friends and they all didn't see the issue.

 

You need more intelligent male friends.

 

Put yourself in your ex's position.

 

If she had done the same thing with another guy, you would have seen the issue.

 

You would have seen it very clearly.

[LeslieKnope]

1. It was just nice to finally have someone recognize me and not complain all the time about the things I'm not doing good. The thing that frustrated my ex the most was that she was 17 (looked a lot older though) and that I still wanted to pursue her even though I know I knew her real age. I'm almost 30 btw. Which sounds wrong I guess but she looked a lot older.

 

2. It was because of cultural differences. Her culture says that the man needs to go to the parents and ask for her hand. I procrastinated that I guess.

 

3. Because I see it now and I really want to show her that I can be different to her. I want to please her sexually, I want to do fun new things with her etc. I just cannot lose her.

 

4. Well, even if I tried she would complain that it either hurt, that it was too sensitive or whatever. It was always something that I was doing wrong. Few weeks ago she apparently said no to sex, which I didn't got, I thought she was just saying no but needed time to get horny. But apparently she wasn't happy about that because I didn't respect her declining sex and pushed her into it.

 

I can't lose her after 5 years, I can't live without her and I love her so much

 

Oh. My. God.

 

1. I was really, really hoping you were much younger than that and was thinking you were based on how you behaved towards your ex. Again, what the heck were you thinking?!

 

2. Have you even met her parents? If not, again, whatever their culture and customs are, after 5 years: BIG MOTHER RED FLAG.

 

3. Previous behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. How on earth do you really think you can make things right after PURSUING A 17 YEAR OLD GIRL?!

 

4. I can't even believe what I'm hearing here. At first I read it and was going to suggest certain things that can make sex better for her (i.e. actual foreplay, lube, a sex therapist, etc) And then you got to this:

 

'Few weeks ago she apparently said no to sex, which I didn't got, I thought she was just saying no but needed time to get horny. But apparently she wasn't happy about that because I didn't respect her declining sex and pushed her into it.'

 

She said no and you did not stop. I'm having a hard time interpreting this as anything other than rape. You wonder why she broke up with you? You should consider yourself lucky she hasn't gone to police.

[LeslieKnope]

And you know what? I'm not even sure you're who you say you are. Because in previous threads from 2014 'you' characterize yourself as female, muslim and 23.

[Zoeva]

And you know what? I'm not even sure you're who you say you are. Because in previous threads from 2014 'you' characterize yourself as female, muslim and 23.

 

Maybe I should have put this in the first comment, but this is an account I'm borrowing from a friend She doesn't use it anymore and she found she got some useful advise here and she thought it would be a nice idea to share my break up issues here. Looking at it now, I'm embarrassed as it all seems like I'm the bad guy here when I did my damn best in this relationship. Heck I held out for 5 years with her even with her parents not approving.

[Zoeva]

Oh. My. God.

 

1. I was really, really hoping you were much younger than that and was thinking you were based on how you behaved towards your ex. Again, what the heck were you thinking?!

 

2. Have you even met her parents? If not, again, whatever their culture and customs are, after 5 years: BIG MOTHER RED FLAG.

 

3. Previous behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. How on earth do you really think you can make things right after PURSUING A 17 YEAR OLD GIRL?!

 

4. I can't even believe what I'm hearing here. At first I read it and was going to suggest certain things that can make sex better for her (i.e. actual foreplay, lube, a sex therapist, etc) And then you got to this:

 

'Few weeks ago she apparently said no to sex, which I didn't got, I thought she was just saying no but needed time to get horny. But apparently she wasn't happy about that because I didn't respect her declining sex and pushed her into it.'

 

She said no and you did not stop. I'm having a hard time interpreting this as anything other than rape. You wonder why she broke up with you? You should consider yourself lucky she hasn't gone to police.

 

Wow, let's make it REALLY clear that I did NOT rape her! She just said NO a few times because she didn't feel like it but then I seduced her and she ended up giving in. So consent on both sides. She just says now that I pushed her into having sex, that she didn't want to because she didn't feel like it but I kept seducing her and asking until she said yes. Yes, I should have stopped at her first no, but I thought she just wasn't horny and if I seduced her she would want sex anyway in the end.

[LeslieKnope]

Ugh.

 

I'm stepping away from this thread now.

[quattrob]

Maybe I should have put this in the first comment, but this is an account I'm borrowing from a friend She doesn't use it anymore and she found she got some useful advise here and she thought it would be a nice idea to share my break up issues here. Looking at it now, I'm embarrassed as it all seems like I'm the bad guy here when I did my damn best in this relationship. Heck I held out for 5 years with her even with her parents not approving.

 

You are contradicting yourself, you said you weren't thoughtful and that you didn't put effort in your first post but now you say you did your damn best in the relationship? Read what you said earlier and read what you said now. It's pretty ridiculous. If you did your best then you would've put effort. And you holding on for 5 years doesn't mean anything. Have you ever asked why their parents don't approve of you? Maybe because you don't put enough effort and aren't thoughtful for their daughter or even them? Things don't just happen when you don't do anything.

 

 

If her daughter (especially so young) is unhappy and it's caused by you, what parents would approve of this person causing the unhappiness? You showed them no security and they were not comfortable with a 30 year old man with a 17 year old girl. This is NORMAL, any parents would be wary and protective of their daughter dating a guy that's so much older than their daughter. You did not provide them with the sense of security and comfortness for you to be with their daughter. You are not entitled that automatically just because their daughter wanted to spend time with you. You have to prove and earn their approval, if you really actually loved this girl (which I doubt) you would put effort into making that happen.

 

 

You have a lot of issues you should sort out like being honest with yourself to start and learning to be accountable for your own actions.

[Zoeva]

You are contradicting yourself, you said you weren't thoughtful and that you didn't put effort in your first post but now you say you did your damn best in the relationship? Read what you said earlier and read what you said now. It's pretty ridiculous. If you did your best then you would've put effort. And you holding on for 5 years doesn't mean anything. Have you ever asked why their parents don't approve of you? Maybe because you don't put enough effort and aren't thoughtful for their daughter or even them? Things don't just happen when you don't do anything.

 

 

If her daughter (especially so young) is unhappy and it's caused by you, what parents would approve of this person causing the unhappiness? You showed them no security and they were not comfortable with a 30 year old man with a 17 year old girl. This is NORMAL, any parents would be wary and protective of their daughter dating a guy that's so much older than their daughter. You did not provide them with the sense of security and comfortness for you to be with their daughter. You are not entitled that automatically just because their daughter wanted to spend time with you. You have to prove and earn their approval, if you really actually loved this girl (which I doubt) you would put effort into making that happen.

 

 

You have a lot of issues you should sort out like being honest with yourself to start and learning to be accountable for your own actions.

 

The girl that is 17 year is not my ex but the girl I met when I was still in a relationship, my ex is 25. I did nothing with this girl besides innocent flirting and adding her on FB which she declined because she had a BF all of the sudden. Nor was it ever my intention to cheat on my ex with this 17 year old girl. I just wanted to know why I had feelings for her, when I was still in a relationship. And yes me ex told me many times that I had to call her parents but her parents have huge expectations and if you don't meet those, you're out the door. I was afraid to call, I guess.

[Gus Grimly]

Nor was it ever my intention to cheat on my ex with this 17 year old girl.

It doesn't matter what your intentions were. You just don't do it. When you are in a committed 5-year relationship with someone you don't look at other women, talk to other women or even mention another woman's name. The only woman you need to be concerned with is the one sitting across the table from you.

 

If you have doubts about a relationship, you can either end it or talk to her honestly about your concerns and what can be done to remedy these feelings. If you're in love someone other potential partners don't even register on your radar.