justabottle Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 We just retrurned from an anniversary trip few days ago, and we had a very heated argument. I informed him that I'll go check whether can we check-in into the immigration already because there is really a long queue, and we are afraid that we might miss our boat, so I told him that I'll go check. It took me quite a while because there are so many trips, and the screen takes time to show all the details. Then when I returned to him, he seemed crossed and angry. So I asked him, what happened? He did not answer me, so I thought what did I do wrong? Then I asked again what happened, then he started accusing me of wandering off to get something from the shops nearby, and that he was pissed because someone cut his queue. So I told him, tell the man that he cut your queue! And I didn't wander off to get stuff, I was there standing and looking at the details of our flight. When I was saying all those things, I raised my voice, and he was really angry at me. Because he said it sounded like I was ordering him. I know it's my fault, and I apologized to him. I didn't shout, I just merely sounded a bit irrtated when I raise my voice because he accused me of something which I didnt. Then after we checked-in, he started hurling and cursing me. I was shocked, but I knew I had to calm him down first, he kept saying he wanted to break up. He ignored me all the way until we board the ship, he did help me out a bit when I was having difficulty with my luggage. I leaned my head against his shoulder, and he did leaned a bit towards me after that. Then I started crying, and he could feel my tears. He then played songs to describe his mood, and after a while, he started to tear too, and he signaled that it was because of me. We were fine on the way home, he texted me saying that he was sorry, and I did too. I thought we were alright. But lately, he has been acting all weird, he started acting very cold towards me, giving me 1 word replies, when I was being romantic, he would reply me "..." and "lol". Then I told him, can you stop being so cold to me, it's hurting me. Then he would "I love you" "Hug Hug". Then today, he is acting all cold again. His behavior is really confusing me. Would appreciate any comments or help, because this is really bothering me. Thanks! 1
stupidkittten Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Sometimes my boyfriend gets a little cold after arguments for a little bit. While it could mean that he's kind of got breaking up on his mind, at the same time it could just be normal. It doesn't sound like something that should break up a relationship though. How has the relationship been in the past month or so? 1
Author justabottle Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 It was all great! We had our fair share of argument, but we managed to resolve it quickly. But I probably hurt his man pride or ego in this fight. 1
Satu Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 It doesn't sound like it's "the end." He's still feeling hurt, that's all. A word of adivice: You both need to develop better communication skills. 99% of arguments are caused by people not knowing how to listen, and not knowing how to express themselves without being accusative, or blaming. This is a big topic, but I'll give you some tips: Instead of saying, "You make me feel xyz," say, "I feel xyz." Instead of saying, "You never do xyz for me," say, "I'd really love it, if you'd do xyz for me." Use "you" less often, and "I" more often. It's absolutely possible to make arguments unnecessary. There are lots of books about this. In the meantime, go and cuddle him, and tell him again that you love him. He'll love you back. Take care. 3
kendahke Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 When I was saying all those things, I raised my voice, and he was really angry at me. Because he said it sounded like I was ordering him. I know it's my fault, and I apologized to him. I didn't shout, I just merely sounded a bit irrtated when I raise my voice because he accused me of something which I didnt. Unless you are on the receiving end of your voice, you can't presume to know how it came across to those who are on the receiving end of it. You may have thought you were clear when you told him that you were going to go look at the timetables, but from how you've described his behavior, it sounds like he didn't hear what you said you were going to go do. You both need to work on your communication skills and especially making yourself clear so that there is no confusion. IMO: He sounds as if he may be hurt because you embarrassed him in public; whether or not it was irritation or if it was your intention is non sequitur because the fact of the matter is: you got loud with him in public. Not cool. It's something that he may either be fed up with dealing with or this incident has introduced something that his pride would rather not deal with, so he's stepping back from you to figure out how to proceed. 1
Author justabottle Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 I'll try to do that the next time I see him and how he reacts to me. Thanks anw:) 1
Author justabottle Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 Unless you are on the receiving end of your voice, you can't presume to know how it came across to those who are on the receiving end of it. You may have thought you were clear when you told him that you were going to go look at the timetables, but from how you've described his behavior, it sounds like he didn't hear what you said you were going to go do. You both need to work on your communication skills and especially making yourself clear so that there is no confusion. IMO: He sounds as if he may be hurt because you embarrassed him in public; whether or not it was irritation or if it was your intention is non sequitur because the fact of the matter is: you got loud with him in public. Not cool. It's something that he may either be fed up with dealing with or this incident has introduced something that his pride would rather not deal with, so he's stepping back from you to figure out how to proceed. I recognize that his pride was hurt when I raised my voice to him in public that's why he's stepping away from me. I'm not sure of what I should do know. He suddenly became very affectionate to me yesterday, but was cold to me again today. I wanted to have a talk to him over this weekend, but I'm not sure if he would be welcome to this idea, since this incident hurt his pride. 1
Satu Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I recognize that his pride was hurt when I raised my voice to him in public that's why he's stepping away from me. I'm not sure of what I should do know. He suddenly became very affectionate to me yesterday, but was cold to me again today. I wanted to have a talk to him over this weekend, but I'm not sure if he would be welcome to this idea, since this incident hurt his pride. It will smooth itself out. Just let your love show. And when you do speak, speak in a loving and tender way. Always.
Author justabottle Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 It will smooth itself out. Just let your love show. And when you do speak, speak in a loving and tender way. Always. Yeap, I will. He just told me that he is feeling unwell so I might dropby when he's free to see him. 1
katiegrl Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 (edited) >>"Then after we checked in, he started hurling me and cursing me." ------- ^^This is extremely troubling, and am surprised no one has addressed this. Hurling you? That's physical abuse! And cursing at you is verbal abuse. He sounds EXTREMELY emotional, over the top. Abusive! I don't care how hurt his "pride" was, his behavior in response was unacceptable, period! You need to leave this extremely toxic and dysfunctional relationship asap.. Unless he learns to manage his emotions, it's not gonna get better. In fact, it will get worse! If this is how he handles something as minor as your raising your voice in irritation because HE accused YOU of something he created in his own head, due to his own insecurities, then sweetie, if you stay with this man, you are headed into very dangerous territory. He accused you of something he had no business accusing you of, you had every right to become irritated by that. In response, he hurls you and curses you? WTF! You have done nothing wrong!!! He is the one who is wrong, and he needs to learn to manage his emotions. IMO, he sounds toxic! Edited August 18, 2015 by katiegrl 2
jen1447 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I generally agree with katie that there's reason for concern here due to the anger issues and possible manipulation (silent treatment etc.), tho I don't know exactly what "hurling" means. If he was literally putting hands on you against your will and pushing or throwing you, you need to leave immediately. 2
ThisisIt606 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 We were fine on the way home, he texted me saying that he was sorry, and I did too. I thought we were alright. But lately, he has been acting all weird, he started acting very cold towards me, giving me 1 word replies, when I was being romantic, he would reply me "..." and "lol". Then I told him, can you stop being so cold to me, it's hurting me. Then he would "I love you" "Hug Hug". Then today, he is acting all cold again. His behavior is really confusing me. Would appreciate any comments or help, because this is really bothering me. Thanks! It sounds like he's not very good at controling his emotions. Aside from the swearing and I'm also not quite sure what "hurling" means in this context, his abrupt replies to your texts are very immature. As mentioned above, he got angry over a situation created in his head and then lashed out at you when you did nothing wrong. His "i love you, hug hug" seems prompted in the sense that he only stopped giving jerk replies when you told him to stop being cold. aka he didn't come around naturally. It sounds like there is either something else going on with him (health, family, job, who knows) and he's taking it out on you and being a really crappy communicator/shutting you out. If this is all rare behavior for him it very well could be one of these issues. If you have noticed tones of this behavior in him through out the relationship, it sounds like he is not a good guy for you, and things can only get worse with his ridiculous/childish way of responding to things.
katiegrl Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 (edited) I generally agree with katie that there's reason for concern here due to the anger issues and possible manipulation (silent treatment etc.), tho I don't know exactly what "hurling" means. If he was literally putting hands on you against your will and pushing or throwing you, you need to leave immediately. Hurling is technically a sport...but the urban dictionary defines it as: >>blokes trying to kill each other with sticks Don't know if that is what she meant (literally) but in any event, it does not sound good and the cursing would be bad enough for me to walk.... I don't tolerate being cursed at, period. That combined with his unfounded accusations based on nothing more than his own insecurities and paranoia (from what the OP has written)... and then his response thereto is cursing and "hurling," -- followed by crying (both of them) and then "I love you, hug hug" -- this is definitely NOT A GOOD SITUATION by any stretch.... Edited August 18, 2015 by katiegrl 2
Arieswoman Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Justabottle, Then after we checked-in, he started hurling and cursing me. I don't know what "hurling" means but otherwise this is verbal abuse and it's a no-no. You must make it clear to him that you don't take verbal abuse, and that the next time he does it you will walk. Then, if he re-offends, you do just that.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 (edited) OP, can you clarify what you mean when you said he hurled you? And he was cursing at you - what did he say? I don't like the sounds of that at all. I think his reaction to you "wandering off" was over the top. Instead of asking you where you were, he made an assumption and got angry. Is he normally that short-tempered with you? I don't think it was okay for you to raise your voice at him either. That certainly didn't help the situation. I see that you acknowledged it wasn't alright and apologized. His continued level of anger and coldness is alarming. The cursing is an absolute no-go. I would be wondering if he's angry about something else but it came out in this way. How have things been in your relationship otherwise? Edited August 18, 2015 by ExpatInItaly
Author justabottle Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 >>"Then after we checked in, he started hurling me and cursing me." ------- ^^This is extremely troubling, and am surprised no one has addressed this. Hurling you? That's physical abuse! And cursing at you is verbal abuse. He sounds EXTREMELY emotional, over the top. Abusive! I don't care how hurt his "pride" was, his behavior in response was unacceptable, period! You need to leave this extremely toxic and dysfunctional relationship asap.. Unless he learns to manage his emotions, it's not gonna get better. In fact, it will get worse! If this is how he handles something as minor as your raising your voice in irritation because HE accused YOU of something he created in his own head, due to his own insecurities, then sweetie, if you stay with this man, you are headed into very dangerous territory. He accused you of something he had no business accusing you of, you had every right to become irritated by that. In response, he hurls you and curses you? WTF! You have done nothing wrong!!! He is the one who is wrong, and he needs to learn to manage his emotions. IMO, he sounds toxic! I'm not sure if he was insecure or what, but I was talking to my friend about it and he was saying he probably got worried where I went thats why he asked if I went off to buy other things. I'm now trying to see how I could bring up this issue to him about using vulgarities when he is angry. But thanks anw
Author justabottle Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 Justabottle, I don't know what "hurling" means but otherwise this is verbal abuse and it's a no-no. You must make it clear to him that you don't take verbal abuse, and that the next time he does it you will walk. Then, if he re-offends, you do just that. Many thanks to you all! But hurling in my country meant continuous action on something. I want to let him know that, but I'm thinking how to put it across to him.
Author justabottle Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 It sounds like he's not very good at controling his emotions. Aside from the swearing and I'm also not quite sure what "hurling" means in this context, his abrupt replies to your texts are very immature. As mentioned above, he got angry over a situation created in his head and then lashed out at you when you did nothing wrong. His "i love you, hug hug" seems prompted in the sense that he only stopped giving jerk replies when you told him to stop being cold. aka he didn't come around naturally. It sounds like there is either something else going on with him (health, family, job, who knows) and he's taking it out on you and being a really crappy communicator/shutting you out. If this is all rare behavior for him it very well could be one of these issues. If you have noticed tones of this behavior in him through out the relationship, it sounds like he is not a good guy for you, and things can only get worse with his ridiculous/childish way of responding to things. This is the first time I see such behavior from him after 4 years. He did tell me today that he is facing some issues, and that my guess was that it could be that he has been taking in the pressure from his issues, and then I had to be the one to blast it unknowingly.
joseb Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Hurling is technically a sport...but the urban dictionary defines it as: >>blokes trying to kill each other with sticks Haha- I assumed she didn't mean that, but having played it a bit as a kid the urban dictionary definition isn't too far out
elaine567 Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 This is the first time I see such behavior from him after 4 years. He did tell me today that he is facing some issues, and that my guess was that it could be that he has been taking in the pressure from his issues, and then I had to be the one to blast it unknowingly. He is blowing hot and cold, so there is definitely something going on here. I think the fact he quickly went from being in a huff over you maybe going to the shops and leaving him waiting around, to cursing you and saying "I want to break up" repeatedly, is perhaps significant here. "I want to break up" is at the top of his thinking process and maybe that is what this is really all about. This relationship is now 4 years old, where is it actually going? It seems to me like he is distancing himself from you and that may mean he is thinking of leaving you (I say that with the proviso that there are no other known stressors, like work, health, family problems for instance.) Many dumpers blow hot and cold, and manufacture distance before they make the final decision and get the courage to leave, he may be one of them. Sorry!
ExpatInItaly Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 He is blowing hot and cold, so there is definitely something going on here. I think the fact he quickly went from being in a huff over you maybe going to the shops and leaving him waiting around, to cursing you and saying "I want to break up" repeatedly, is perhaps significant here. "I want to break up" is at the top of his thinking process and maybe that is what this is really all about. This relationship is now 4 years old, where is it actually going? It seems to me like he is distancing himself from you and that may mean he is thinking of leaving you (I say that with the proviso that there are no other known stressors, like work, health, family problems for instance.) Many dumpers blow hot and cold, and manufacture distance before they make the final decision and get the courage to leave, he may be one of them. Sorry! After having re-read the first post, I was about to point this out, too. OP, don't overlook this. It's troubling that this is where his mind went. You need to talk to him and find out what is really going on here.
Author justabottle Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 After having re-read the first post, I was about to point this out, too. OP, don't overlook this. It's troubling that this is where his mind went. You need to talk to him and find out what is really going on here. Thanks for pointing that out. He said that my tone was really bad, in a sense that I'm like ordering him to do things and he doesn't like it. He doesn't like it when people raise their voice at him for no apparent reason (he probably doesn't see why I had to raise my voice). But what you all pointed out make sense, and it was something that I overlooked. I told him that I'll meet him over the weekends and I'll have a talk with him (I haven't told him that I want to have a talk with him, but I want to).
ExpatInItaly Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Thanks for pointing that out. He said that my tone was really bad, in a sense that I'm like ordering him to do things and he doesn't like it. He doesn't like it when people raise their voice at him for no apparent reason (he probably doesn't see why I had to raise my voice). But what you all pointed out make sense, and it was something that I overlooked. I told him that I'll meet him over the weekends and I'll have a talk with him (I haven't told him that I want to have a talk with him, but I want to). There is a constructive and mature way to point that out to you. I still feel he picked a fight for accusing you of wandering away when you had told him you were going to check your travel details. It doesn't warrant him cursing at you and telling you he wants to break up. You are wise to talk to him. I think there's more to his anger than this incident and he needs to explain what that is. Has he threatened to break up with you before?
Author justabottle Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 There is a constructive and mature way to point that out to you. I still feel he picked a fight for accusing you of wandering away when you had told him you were going to check your travel details. It doesn't warrant him cursing at you and telling you he wants to break up. You are wise to talk to him. I think there's more to his anger than this incident and he needs to explain what that is. Has he threatened to break up with you before? Yeap, I mean I also mention it to him, if he doesn't change some of his behavior from the past, then I'll break up with him. He's facing some issues at home today and I just got to know it, like his family is placing pressure on him.
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