Shining One Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 OP, let me share some experience from the opposite spectrum. In my mid-twenties, I "dated" quite a few women who were interested in hanging out with me, but they drew the line at sex. I ended up with a lot of friends without benefits. I was very patient and never brought up the topic of sex early. Eventually, I started bring up sex much earlier in the dating phase. I would rarely bring it up before the first date unless we spent a significant amount of time talking before that first meeting. My results have changed considerably. By confirming sexual interest early (this does not mean we actually had sex early), I've been able to find lovers and relationships instead of just friends. I would offer some balanced advice: If a man starts talking about sex early and you're not comfortable talking about it at that stage, let him know that. He will either walk away, be patient, or keep talking about it (at which point, you walk away). Move at a pace that's comfortable for you. Just as it's important for you to confirm that he is genuinely interested in you as a person, it's important for him to confirm that you are sexually interested in him. 3
d0nnivain Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 OP, I disagree with the people who say it's OK for a man to talk about sex early. In my dating experience, no, it is NOT OK. Let go of every man who even hints at sex before you even meet. Not a good guy, sorry! The only way to find another relationship is to do next next next and DO NOT waste any time with this type of guys. There are good men out there and they will not lead with sex. Wasting your time with the casual ones, which are the majority, is a recipe for staying single. Don't listen to "exceptions". That's what those are, exceptions. The rule is, talking about sex before meeting or at the first date is an automate next for you. You shouldn't even ask "why". Just next. I'm just trying to understand. Yes, everybody is entitled to draw lines wherever they want. But I see a big difference between some guy saying I want **** you and somewhat early on having the other person mention that they enjoy sex. Some of it will be context & tone. To me, when the subject was raised too early, I'd deflect with humor & change the subject. If the guy didn't get that hint & kept pushing, of course that was an automatic no. But because people draw boundaries different places, I didn't want to automatically discount somebody for stepping over a boundary of mine before I had a chance to tell him where it was. It's not fair to make somebody who doesn't know you accountable for offending you. Again, it depends on what was said. I want to **** you said before meeting is crass but perhaps an off color joke, to test the waters, shouldn't be an automatic end. 2
LoveRefreshed Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Good for you. What guy ISN'T highly sexed? Precious few. Bid damned deal. OP, any classless fool who needs to bring up sex before you've even MET his sorry ass isn't worth your time. The few mouth breathers who DID pull that sh*t with me when I was online dating were immediately dumped for the pigs they were. This nonsense about making sure you're 'sexually compatible' before you even meet him for a lousy cup of coffee is just utterly ludicrous. Believe in your convictions. Don't compromise your values for idiots who have so little class that they can't even act like a civilized human being 10 minutes after you've started talking to them. When did we move to online dating? OP didn't mention online dating. She said when I meet a guy and we click, he ends up just wanting sex... or something to that effect. I don't see anything on her posts about OLD, but maybe I missed it. This I would agree with, I wouldn't talk about sex with a person I haven't met yet. There is so much more to worry about than just sexual compatibility. Though what would I know, I rarely get responses from friendly, non-sexual OKC comments. More to OP's post, this forum is full of men who know what a date is, and want to have an honest, good and healthy relationship. So generalizing comments about men not even knowing what a date is, is just bitterness. Maybe you're too bitter for a man to want to date you? Maybe you should re-evaluate what you are looking for. Finally, it's been said be others, but to reiterate, if a man doesn't declare his sexual interest, he's bound to end up in the friendzone, bitter and angry at you for declining his unfortunately late advances. In that vein, I know a lot of women who break all their rules to **** the hot guy they're attracted too. Truth. Actions over words. That's the big reason a lot of guys just throw it out there. I agree with umm, was it Aries who said it, that there is a huge difference between indecent sexual advances and an honest discussion about your sexual needs and preferences in a relationship. The former is something detestable and runs rampant in OLD. The latter is what I mean when I say our society should be more sexually open and forward. 1
empresario Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Sorry to hear about the struggles. I've found, being a guy, that men are under a lot of pressure these days to have sex. They feel like everyone else is having it. Media, songs, and peers all tell them they are only being fulfilled if they are having it. Only the wise ones realize how much mass information has impacted our sex drive. Combine this with a culture that is progressively getting more sexually open...then it becomes a cocktail of disaster. That doesn't make it right...but it seems to be a growing trend. Sexual jealousy is a quickly rising epidemic. Unfortunately, it seems like you are going about it the right way. If you want a serious relationship then demand nothing less. Not all guys are single-minded. And even those that seem to be a lot of times aren't but are conditioned to act that way. Although some definitely are douchebags...that number is nowhere near 100%. That's why we go on dates...to figure out if someone's goals align with our own. 2
smackie9 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 "Guys who don't want anything serious" They do! but with the right girl....but in the meantime, they want to have sex if they can get it.....is that such a crime? Not everyone is going to wait until they are in a relationship to have sex. I get that not everyone is going to be honest about it so as a rule, you keep your legs closed until they are on board with your expectations, whatever that may be. I say hats off to those who do say they are just looking for sex...at least they are being upfront about it. 3
central Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I guess you'll just have to settle for complaining (which does help!) and waiting, while dating and hoping. Eventually the right guy will come along, but until then you'll just have to keep rejecting the rest. If your location has a dearth of suitable men, it's going to take longer and require meeting more guys to find one who's a good match. If you can't move to somewhere that has a better ratio, you have to work with the situation as it is. 2
mike_89 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Living in a big city brings all the usual problems. Halfway across the globe here in Europe it's the same stuff. In big cities most guys are not looking for a serious relationship because they can get laid all they want, they have their friends for intimacy and support if needed and a great job and place to live. And in the late 20's the dating market is stacked against women. Most 26-30 years old men would rather have a girl of 22-25 years old than 26-30 while 35+ years old men will usually have a partner already and thus be unavailable. There seems to be (at least here in Europe but from the sounds of it it is the same is in Australia) an abundance of single (especially high educated) 26-30 years old women who can't find a decent partner, and because of this it is easy for guys to date a lot of women and sleep with a lot of women. Some guys I know that are in this category actually see this as some sort of revenge, because in college it was nearly impossible for them to date any girls (because all girls only ever wanted the tallest, most muscular, most handsome and usually slightly older men) and now they feel they can finally get back at those girls that wouldn't have us 8 years ago. 1
Dolfin80 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Funny, when i was in sydney a few weeks ago no girl would give me the time of day! If there is such a man drought maybe they should be a little more approachable. I dont have a problem in melbourne, or most places for that matter. ? But you live in Melbourne why would you be asking women out in sydney when you don't even live there, doesn't make much sense.
Gary S Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 This is one of the biggest problems with men these days, talking too much and too early about sex, and not enough romance. It's hard to find a gentleman today. The good news is, you only need to find one. 4
LoveRefreshed Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Gary, I get the sense your old fashioned. The problem with the romance angle is that girls think we're too easy, boring, and emotional. I tried that route once, it got me nothing but heart ache, loneliness, and rejection. Being more forward, all I've had to deal with is heart ache and loneliness on the long term. I wish girls still wanted a man to ask her once a week on a date with a bouquet of flowers wearing a suit for two months to prove ourselves... or hold a loud speaker outside her window playing romantic music, but in this day and age, that only works in the movies and gets you labeled as creepy. 2
joseb Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 ? But you live in Melbourne why would you be asking women out in sydney when you don't even live there, doesn't make much sense. I wasnt asking any of them out, i was just talking to them. Or trying to Mostly got one syllable replies, some even turned away and pretended they didnt hear me!
phineas Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 There are plenty men out there who want something serious. You aren't going to find them at the places you'll find the men that aren't looking for anything serious. Generally speaking the types of guys that have it easy with women are types not looking for a relationship. Why would they? It's the average guys who have to work to get a date that are more inclined to be in a relationship because they haven't been spoiled. However, women sent generally interested in them. They want the first type of guy then they want to complain that all they want is sex. 1
yxalitis Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 I sometimes feel that I would be better suited to Melbourne. It's amazing how being in a different location can make all the difference. I won't lie, many Sydneysiders can be very arrogant! Probably bitter about having to pay $1,000,000+ for a beaten up weatherboard in PAddington
SmartDude Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Perhaps your past relationship with your ex, who you mentioned was a drug addict, is still affecting you? Do you expect to be let down by men? You may be attracting the wrong type.
lino Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 There are plenty of men who want something serious... You call them 'just friends' or guys who 'dont give me spark/butterflies' There's a massive man draught in Sydney, has been for ages. Sydney's the gay capital of Australia. Decent men are either gay or taken. Only the duds are left, seriously. My single girlfriends never find a decent date either, don't worry it's not you, the market is lacking. Move to a country town, numbers there are like 4 males to 1 female. Absolute garbage. Both Sydney and Melbourne for that matter are bursting with blokes but women in both those cities are probably the most picky women in existence. You make things hard for yourself, don't complain about the results. Also at the country town suggestion! Do you think Sydney princesses would ever consider guys from the country?!?! Thanks for a good laugh! 1
oberkeat Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 This is one of the biggest problems with men these days, talking too much and too early about sex, and not enough romance. It's hard to find a gentleman today. The good news is, you only need to find one. As if women these days are interested in romance The flakes, the serial daters, etc.
lino Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Funny, when i was in sydney a few weeks ago no girl would give me the time of day! If there is such a man drought maybe they should be a little more approachable. I dont have a problem in melbourne, or most places for that matter. Sydney women are the worst in this country by an absolute mile. No question about it. This only started after my 4 year relationship ended. I was abused both physically and verbally, and it caused me to put a guard up because I was afraid of being hurt again. I did have therapy to move on and have come a long way, but it will always leave a scar. Perhaps subconsciously, I am giving them some sort of vibe. I am definitely relationship material, I don't doubt that for a second. But I guess everyone has a different definition of what 'relationship material' is. Surprise, surprise was with a violent guy. Never seen that before. Perhaps if you avoid sh#t guys, you'll stop being treated like it. 1
oberkeat Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 (edited) This is one of the biggest problems with men these days, talking too much and too early about sex, and not enough romance. It's hard to find a gentleman today. The good news is, you only need to find one. This quote makes my jaw drop. All the flakey women out there, and you're gonna say that men are the ones who don't want romance? Gimme a break. A lot of single women have become the players and time wasters they used to bash men for being. Edited August 19, 2015 by oberkeat
Dolfin80 Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 There are plenty of men who want something serious... Also at the country town suggestion! Do you think Sydney princesses would ever consider guys from the country?!?! Thanks for a good laugh! Country men are wonderful.
joseb Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Country men are wonderful. Have you thought about trying out for "the farmer wants a wife"? Only half kidding...
Zagan Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 There are plenty of men who want something more substantial than just a sexual relationship, regardless of which city you live in. And this may shock you (or not) but there are just as many women out there who only want sex as there are guys. The majority of dating sites are for hook ups and many of the people who use them of both genders simply only want something physical. So if somebody wants a genuine relationship the lines are blurred. You just have to dig a little deeper. Or stop looking altogether. The best things in life tap you on the shoulder when you least expect it.
ZA Dater Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 So I'm writing this as a rant but I also need advice because I am SO frustrated. So i have posted about my previous relationships on here before, but in a nutshell, I have been in two significant relationships within the last 8 years. One was 4 years and I remained single for 3, then I met my last ex and we were together all of last year. Now here's my problem - I'm back on the dating scene and I find that many guys that I do meet and find attractive only want to sleep with me. I don't want to sleep around and I have been refusing because I want more than just a sexual relationship. The problem I have is that I meet a guy and we click, then I slowly start to see their true colours (before we even go out on a date). I refrain from saying anything sexual just to see if they genuinely want to get to know me, but then eventually they start to talk about sex. Is this even normal or am I just being a prude? I have SO much more to offer than just my body and I definitely don't dress inappropriately Am i honesty asking for too much? Do i just need to relax and go with the flow? I honestly can't even remember the last time a guy took me out on a proper date. I don't even think guys know what the meaning of date is these days. I especially get offended when they just want to meet me in a car, because they only want to hook up. I am turning 29 soon and I'm really starting to become discouraged about dating My last ex ended up being a drug addict and we barely went out on dates. My ex before him (4 years) is now married and expecting a baby, and I'm just attracting men who don't even want to date me. I know I sound negative and I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but I've had enough of feeling this way. I'm not desperate and I don't constantly look for a guy to be with. This just happens. There seems to be a pattern and I really want to break it, but I don't even know how. I know I've rambled a bit, but I am just expressing the way I feel and there is so much going on right now. Any advice would be much appreciated There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you are looking for. Simply you are looking to be treated like a lady as apposed to a sex object. Trust me not all guys are like that, some of us do want to be your friend, be there when you need us and its not about sex. I sincerely hope you find a guy who values you for you, rather than looking to just sleep with you.
sydneysider1978 Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Dating in inner Sydney is HORRIBLE and I can only image tinder makes to worse. Lots of beautiful, transient, entitled people looking for the next best thing. I imagine it's like Manhattan in swim trunks. But, if you just get past the private school boys in the CBD, Paddington and Bondi there are still plenty of gems. The inner west and beaches have a much more low key and laid back vibe, more like Melbourne. And look out for the guys from out of town! Guys from the country, other smaller towns and over seas seem to have a better attitude. Get them fresh off the bus/plane! You're not imagining it. I have a host of amazing girlfriends who would be batting men off in other locations. Go to some new places, try some new hobbies and avoid tinder!
Dolfin80 Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Have you thought about trying out for "the farmer wants a wife"? Only half kidding... My family lives in the country, so that's why I say country men are wonderful. My father and brother in law are sweethearts.
h0000 Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Have you thought about trying out for "the farmer wants a wife"? Only half kidding... Australian farmers are RICH as. And I once met a guy who grew up in country town..he is seriously HOT :laugh:
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