Guys who don't want anything serious

[rose27]

So I'm writing this as a rant but I also need advice because I am SO frustrated.

 

So i have posted about my previous relationships on here before, but in a nutshell, I have been in two significant relationships within the last 8 years. One was 4 years and I remained single for 3, then I met my last ex and we were together all of last year.

 

Now here's my problem - I'm back on the dating scene and I find that many guys that I do meet and find attractive only want to sleep with me. I don't want to sleep around and I have been refusing because I want more than just a sexual relationship. The problem I have is that I meet a guy and we click, then I slowly start to see their true colours (before we even go out on a date). I refrain from saying anything sexual just to see if they genuinely want to get to know me, but then eventually they start to talk about sex. Is this even normal or am I just being a prude? I have SO much more to offer than just my body and I definitely don't dress inappropriately

 

Am i honesty asking for too much? Do i just need to relax and go with the flow? I honestly can't even remember the last time a guy took me out on a proper date. I don't even think guys know what the meaning of date is these days. I especially get offended when they just want to meet me in a car, because they only want to hook up. I am turning 29 soon and I'm really starting to become discouraged about dating My last ex ended up being a drug addict and we barely went out on dates. My ex before him (4 years) is now married and expecting a baby, and I'm just attracting men who don't even want to date me. I know I sound negative and I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but I've had enough of feeling this way. I'm not desperate and I don't constantly look for a guy to be with. This just happens. There seems to be a pattern and I really want to break it, but I don't even know how.

 

I know I've rambled a bit, but I am just expressing the way I feel and there is so much going on right now. Any advice would be much appreciated

[yxalitis]

OK, I see this sort of nonsense on this forum and in other dating sites.

Just because a guy talks about sex, doesn't mean that's all he wants...that's just bull.

 

You know, I have a high sex drive, my partner needs to understand that, if we aren't compatible sexually, then we aren't in a good relationship.

 

So I talk about sex after a while too, not "Hey, let's have sex, wouldn't that be awesome?" but simply talking about that aspect of a relationship, why is it a taboo subject?

Sex is a NORMAL HEALTHY part of ANY relationship, I can talk about my work, hobbies, family friends, my life goals, my core beliefs, may values..but OH MY GOD I mention sex and THAT'S IT, that's ALL I'm after!

 

Maybe just calm the F uck down, don't overreact about the subject, engage the guys, and see what the real story is, instead of jumping to this conclusion!!

[h0000]

OK, I see this sort of nonsense on this forum and in other dating sites.

Just because a guy talks about sex, doesn't mean that's all he wants...that's just bull.

 

Or let's rephrase it by saying sex is all they want, with us.

OP I feel for you. I have the same problem. I used to be able to have long relationships but after 3 of them, I can never meet a guy who is serious about dating anymore. Is it a curse over us lol

Unfortunately I have no solution...I'm not sure there is anything we can do because it seems to be out of our control.What I tell myself is be patient and focus on my career and hope one day the right man will come.

[Dolfin80]

There's a massive man draught in Sydney, has been for ages. Sydney's the gay capital of Australia. Decent men are either gay or taken. Only the duds are left, seriously. My single girlfriends never find a decent date either, don't worry it's not you, the market is lacking. Move to a country town, numbers there are like 4 males to 1 female.

[rose27]

OK, I see this sort of nonsense on this forum and in other dating sites.

Just because a guy talks about sex, doesn't mean that's all he wants...that's just bull.

 

You know, I have a high sex drive, my partner needs to understand that, if we aren't compatible sexually, then we aren't in a good relationship.

 

So I talk about sex after a while too, not "Hey, let's have sex, wouldn't that be awesome?" but simply talking about that aspect of a relationship, why is it a taboo subject?

Sex is a NORMAL HEALTHY part of ANY relationship, I can talk about my work, hobbies, family friends, my life goals, my core beliefs, may values..but OH MY GOD I mention sex and THAT'S IT, that's ALL I'm after!

 

Maybe just calm the F uck down, don't overreact about the subject, engage the guys, and see what the real story is, instead of jumping to this conclusion!!

 

Wow! Firstly, I am VERY open-minded about sex. In fact, I absolutely love it - especially when it isn't meaningless. I've done the whole sex buddy thing before and it didn't work for me. Like I said before, it starts off well, then it's all about sex and nothing else. I'm craving something more. Do you now understand why I would be so frustrated? Is it so wrong that I want to connect mentally and emotionally with someone for once? Don't tell me to calm the f down and stop overreacting. Their real story is that they just want to use me for a night and move on to the next girl, because it's just that easy. I am not making assumptions either, because when I don't give them what they want, I never hear back from them because it's so easy to get a one night stand. I don't want to be in that category, I'm not interested.

[rose27]

Or let's rephrase it by saying sex is all they want, with us.

OP I feel for you. I have the same problem. I used to be able to have long relationships but after 3 of them, I can never meet a guy who is serious about dating anymore. Is it a curse over us lol

Unfortunately I have no solution...I'm not sure there is anything we can do because it seems to be out of our control.What I tell myself is be patient and focus on my career and hope one day the right man will come.

 

Totally with you on that one. It used to be so easy for me to find guys who were genuinely interested in getting to know me before trying anything physical. I don't know if I have my guard up and they sense it, only God knows. I guess we can only be patient until the time is right.

[h0000]

Totally with you on that one. It used to be so easy for me to find guys who were genuinely interested in getting to know me before trying anything physical. I don't know if I have my guard up and they sense it, only God knows. I guess we can only be patient until the time is right.

 

I have quite a few friends telling me its the location lol they say Australian men are spoiled because there are way more women than men. They even suggest me to move

[sportygirl89]

I get you I'm almost 26. Been single for two years. I am extremely picky. I unfortunately can't move until my program is up. .

[TouchedByViolet]

When a guy says he doesn't want anything serious it means he's not that into you. These guys are still open to having sex but don't want any form of commitment.

 

Essentially, you are being rejected by these men. They don't see you as relationship material. The question is why are these men rejecting you?

[joseb]

There's a massive man draught in Sydney, has been for ages. Sydney's the gay capital of Australia. Decent men are either gay or taken. Only the duds are left, seriously. My single girlfriends never find a decent date either, don't worry it's not you, the market is lacking. Move to a country town, numbers there are like 4 males to 1 female.

 

Funny, when i was in sydney a few weeks ago no girl would give me the time of day! If there is such a man drought maybe they should be a little more approachable. I dont have a problem in melbourne, or most places for that matter.

[rose27]

There's a massive man draught in Sydney, has been for ages. Sydney's the gay capital of Australia. Decent men are either gay or taken. Only the duds are left, seriously. My single girlfriends never find a decent date either, don't worry it's not you, the market is lacking. Move to a country town, numbers there are like 4 males to 1 female.

 

 

Yeah, I would say you're right!

[rose27]

When a guy says he doesn't want anything serious it means he's not that into you. These guys are still open to having sex but don't want any form of commitment.

 

Essentially, you are being rejected by these men. They don't see you as relationship material. The question is why are these men rejecting you?

 

 

This only started after my 4 year relationship ended. I was abused both physically and verbally, and it caused me to put a guard up because I was afraid of being hurt again. I did have therapy to move on and have come a long way, but it will always leave a scar. Perhaps subconsciously, I am giving them some sort of vibe. I am definitely relationship material, I don't doubt that for a second. But I guess everyone has a different definition of what 'relationship material' is.

[rose27]

Funny, when i was in sydney a few weeks ago no girl would give me the time of day! If there is such a man drought maybe they should be a little more approachable. I dont have a problem in melbourne, or most places for that matter.

 

I sometimes feel that I would be better suited to Melbourne. It's amazing how being in a different location can make all the difference. I won't lie, many Sydneysiders can be very arrogant!

[Keenly]

There are plenty men out there who want something serious. You aren't going to find them at the places you'll find the men that aren't looking for anything serious.

[Lokin4AReason]

I guess you can say, that I am going thru the problem. I have been considering in moving also ... because its just not my kind of party here ( to be honest )

 

and plus a new surrounding would give you a new insight in looking at it =0)

[Toodaloo]

With OLD guys do tend to talk about sex a lot I have found.

 

Now at some point I am going to want to discuss it because I have a high sex drive and I can't cope with once a month at all. I also want to know that what ever perversions he has are compatible with mine etc. Sex IS very important in a relationship.

 

What really grates on me though is the phone sex and text sex. No, I am not going to send random strange men pictures of my breasts and vagina. No, I am not going to have sex with a man I have only just met.

 

There is a very big difference between having an open and frank discussion about preferences and actively engaging in sexual acts via text and over the phone...

 

Guys don't really understand this concept very well though. I have met a few that do, but the vast majority are like panting dogs baying for poonani. Actually my dogs are better behaved!

 

Personally these days I tend to cut any conversation going along those lines off at "What are you wearing?".

[DJOkawari]

What age range are you looking in? If you're looking at guys in their late 20's and early-mid 30's, yeah, the ones who wanted to settle, settled.

 

There are definitely guys out there who want a committed relationship but, like you said, they don't meet your standards...they didn't meet other people's standards either and that's why they're still looking.

 

Imagine your opposite scenario: rather than you, a wonderful single lady looking for commitment - a wonderful single man is looking for commitment. Well, the next girl he's compatible with is going to jump on him, right? This is a generalization but largely around that age girls are looking for commitment and a lot guys haven't changed much from their early 20's.

 

My advice is to just keep dating, you'll be fortunate eventually, to me, you're just in a place in life where the dating paradigm shifts. Of course, Melbourne is just a better place than Sydney so you should move anyway

[LoveRefreshed]

A few things. If you don't make intentions known from the start, you end up friend zoned. So if you don't talk about sex, try to kiss a girl, etc.. she'll think you just want to be her friend. No one wants to just be friends

 

 

Secondly, I think as a society, we could deal with being more open with our sexuality. Repressed sexuality leads to all sorts of problems, frustrations, and resentment. I complain now, I couldn't imagine in the 50s when people had to refrain from talk about sex, homosexuality, and masturbation. Good lord, I'd have shot myself.

 

 

Third, and please take this with a grain of salt, but the brutal honest truth is that a guy will sleep with many girls he won't date. Usually to date, she must be attractive with a personality. To sleep with her, she only needs to be attractive. If you are finding that only guys want to sleep with you, then you are probably going after the wrong type of men who aren't into you as a person. I used to say you'd be shooting out of your league or over estimating yourself, but the more I read, date and experience as I've gotten older, I realize the 'league' idea is horse **** and preferences matter a lot.

 

 

I think you should look at sex as not some sort of prize to be won, but an experience shared between someone you are attracted to mentally, spiritually and physically. I'm not saying give it out freely, but don't assume just because someone wants to **** you, that's all they want. Best of luck OP

[d0nnivain]

I think it's a combo.

 

 

If a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take him at his word. Tell him you are looking for a relationship & wish him well while sending him on his way.

 

 

However, you may be jumping to conclusions. Just because a man mentions sex early on doesn't mean that's all he wants. If a woman bites & gives him sex quickly, most men won't say no. But just because he throws out a sexy line doesn't mean you have to take it. You can redirect the conversation or at least power it down to PG flirting. A good guy will still stick around. I suspect part of your issue may be that the minute you hear sexy talk you jump to the conclusion that sex is all he wants & write him off. I came to that conclusion about you based on your statement that some of this happens with guys before you meet them. Just like the "I love's you" aren't real before meeting & establishing a connection, neither is the flirting. You have to take OLD with a grain of salt. The guy might not be so forward IRL, especially if you make it clear up front that you want something more substantial.

[Arieswoman]

Rose27,

I know what you mean because I got a lot of this "I'm not looking for anything serious/any involvement" rubbish when I was single and dating. I sent them on their merry way saying " I hope you find the casual relationship you're looking for" ( ! )

 

I think you need to carefully pick the places that you go to to meet guys;

 

If you go to pubs/bars - you get drinkers

If you go to nightclubs - you get players

 

IMO you're better off joining hobbies groups so at least you find guys who have the same interest as you do.

 

I met my 2nd husband at church. Other single friends of mine met their husbands at ; amateur dramatics groups, scottish dancing, the gym, tennis clubs, PTA meetings, charity work etc etc.

 

And don't settle for all this "hanging out" business, you want real dates. so keep your standards high.

 

Good luck x

[Lois_Griffin]

OK, I see this sort of nonsense on this forum and in other dating sites.

Just because a guy talks about sex, doesn't mean that's all he wants...that's just bull.

 

You know, I have a high sex drive, my partner needs to understand that, if we aren't compatible sexually, then we aren't in a good relationship.

 

So I talk about sex after a while too, not "Hey, let's have sex, wouldn't that be awesome?" but simply talking about that aspect of a relationship, why is it a taboo subject?

Sex is a NORMAL HEALTHY part of ANY relationship, I can talk about my work, hobbies, family friends, my life goals, my core beliefs, may values..but OH MY GOD I mention sex and THAT'S IT, that's ALL I'm after!

 

Maybe just calm the F uck down, don't overreact about the subject, engage the guys, and see what the real story is, instead of jumping to this conclusion!!

Good for you. What guy ISN'T highly sexed? Precious few. Bid damned deal.

 

OP, any classless fool who needs to bring up sex before you've even MET his sorry ass isn't worth your time.

 

The few mouth breathers who DID pull that sh*t with me when I was online dating were immediately dumped for the pigs they were. This nonsense about making sure you're 'sexually compatible' before you even meet him for a lousy cup of coffee is just utterly ludicrous.

 

Believe in your convictions. Don't compromise your values for idiots who have so little class that they can't even act like a civilized human being 10 minutes after you've started talking to them.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

This

 

Believe in your convictions. Don't compromise your values for idiots who have so little class that they can't even act like a civilized human being 10 minutes after you've started talking to them.

 

x 10,000

 

 

[stillafool]

This only started after my 4 year relationship ended. I was abused both physically and verbally, and it caused me to put a guard up because I was afraid of being hurt again. I did have therapy to move on and have come a long way, but it will always leave a scar. Perhaps subconsciously, I am giving them some sort of vibe. I am definitely relationship material, I don't doubt that for a second. But I guess everyone has a different definition of what 'relationship material' is.

 

Maybe you should make it clear before you date them that you are only interested in a relationship, not a hook up and if that's what they want they are wasting their time. Tell them this and don't be shy about it. If they protest then they aren't for you anyway.

[kendahke]

OP--you are not being unreasonable at all.

 

I'm not going to gaslight you by telling you you're imagining it when you've seen a pattern of behavior by unrelated men fall out in experience at your feet. I've gone through this myself. You have to just weed your way through them. It's called "culling toads".

[BluEyeL]

OP, I disagree with the people who say it's OK for a man to talk about sex early. In my dating experience, no, it is NOT OK. Let go of every man who even hints at sex before you even meet. Not a good guy, sorry!

 

The only way to find another relationship is to do next next next and DO NOT waste any time with this type of guys. There are good men out there and they will not lead with sex. Wasting your time with the casual ones, which are the majority, is a recipe for staying single. Don't listen to "exceptions". That's what those are, exceptions. The rule is, talking about sex before meeting or at the first date is an automate next for you. You shouldn't even ask "why". Just next.