TheBathWater Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I'm a heterosexual male and just confirmed a single genital wart on my pubic bone. I've had it for a while and never thought anything of it. I even picked it off once, but it grew back over time. It didn't look like the cauliflower genital warts you see online. One recent night I was browsing the internet and reading up on STIs and I suddenly became paranoid about this thing. I regularly get tested for STIs and have always been clean, but I know there is no test for HPV. So, I went to a doctor just to check my paranoia, and he tells me it is indeed a genital wart! He said not to worry about it, freezed it for me on the spot, and advised me how to treat it at home until it clears. Now my great dilemma... How am I going to tell this new woman I've been dating (and who I had sex with once already) that I have an HPV wart? Do you think she'll call things off? I hear that most everyone gets HPV at some point and that the warts are not the same HPV strains that are high risk and cause cervical cancer. I am absolutely freaking the **** out. I can live with this, no problem. But I don't know if a partner could, and this couldn't have happened at a worse time as I think I finally met someone who is interested in an LTR with me. What to do?
maysj18 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 How do you know it's not the same strain that causes cervical cancers? Over 13 different strains have been linked to cancer, with two being more common than the others. Needless to say, it's important to discuss. HPV can be spread through skin to skin contact so condoms are not 100% effective in preventing the transmission of it. There's no easy way around this- you have to talk to her. Don't worry though because this may very well not be a deal breaker if you come at her with the right information. 2
HereNorThere Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 (edited) In most jurisdictions, it's illegal not to a tell sexual partner. I mean, if you truly have it, you could literally murder a woman with it. Can you live with that? However, genital wart is a broad term. Do you have any real proof of HPV other than visual diagnosis? Long story short, yes, if you have HPV, you absolutely must tell everyone you (almost) sleep with. However, you need more medical information. Which type do you have? Will it eventually go dormant? Sadly, as a male, they aren't going to spend the money to tell you. Your options are pretty limited. You could be a murderer just for sleeping someone, so until you have concrete information, you can't do it. Make no mistake about it, there is a test for males. It's just too expensive and complicated for a layperson to receive it. Edited August 18, 2015 by HereNorThere 1
Author TheBathWater Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 How do you know it's not the same strain that causes cervical cancers? Over 13 different strains have been linked to cancer, with two being more common than the others. Needless to say, it's important to discuss. HPV can be spread through skin to skin contact so condoms are not 100% effective in preventing the transmission of it. There's no easy way around this- you have to talk to her. Don't worry though because this may very well not be a deal breaker if you come at her with the right information. 90% of HPV strains that cause genital warts are #6 and #11, and these are low-risk strains that are not believed to cause cancer. Of course, a wart doesn't mean you have any less or more risk of having another HPV strain that can cause cancer. Your odds are as good as anyone else's. The wart is a wart, and it is highly unlikely it poses any health threat other than the appearance of a wart. I'm not debating whether or not to tell the woman I'm involved with, but this is all new and obviously troubling to me since I care a lot about her and want things to continue progressing between us. So I'm not sure how to have the conversation, how to reassure her of the low-risk, etc... I really like her and don't want to lose her.
Author TheBathWater Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 Make no mistake about it, there is a test for males. It's just too expensive and complicated for a layperson to receive it. What is this test?
mapofyourhead Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 What is this test? There's no FDA-approved test for HPV in men, unfortunately. There is only an HPV vaccine. I'm not sure where HereNorThere found their information, or what the point was of telling you there's a test but you can't have it anyway... I would talk to your doctor about this and perhaps he can give you information that will help you have an open, educated discussion about this with the woman you are seeing. Educate yourself first, then present the facts to her. What she chooses to do with that information is out of your hands. I'm sorry you're in this situation! Good luck. 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 For a man....other than actually having a doctor look down there to verify those are genital Warts.....there is no test for a man to verify this. In most jurisdictions, it's illegal not to a tell sexual partner. I mean, if you truly have it, you could literally murder a woman with it. Can you live with that? However, genital wart is a broad term. Do you have any real proof of HPV other than visual diagnosis? Long story short, yes, if you have HPV, you absolutely must tell everyone you (almost) sleep with. However, you need more medical information. Which type do you have? Will it eventually go dormant? Sadly, as a male, they aren't going to spend the money to tell you. Your options are pretty limited. You could be a murderer just for sleeping someone, so until you have concrete information, you can't do it. Make no mistake about it, there is a test for males. It's just too expensive and complicated for a layperson to receive it.
Vintage79 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 OP - I'd postpone any further, potentially contaminating sexual contact, learn about what you have as much as you can, and the associated risks, and tell her. Will she be happy about it? No! Will she be appreciative of the fact that you told her? Yes! Will she think that you lied about it (i.e. knew about it before you first had sex)? Maybe. Will she stop seeing you? Maybe. This is a tough situation, but there is really only one ethical answer - stop the high-risk activity until you tell her about it. At this point because you are aware of the problem, you can't play dumb...just be a good person about it, so you don't feel too guilty. If she really likes you, things will likely be ok...at a minimum, you'll know that you did the right thing.
regine_phalange Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 (edited) Tell her... She won't think less of you, on the contrary. I have HPV too. I showed some really tiny warts (1-2 mm), and had them removed. A new one would grow once in a while in a span of about a year. Then the virus cleared up and I didn't show any symptoms since (it's been 2 years without symptoms). But I still disclose to potential partners that I had this in the past. It's important because you don't know how someone's body may react to it. Most will never show symptoms, but some people like us are more sensitive and show symptoms. The taboo is bigger than the severity of this condition. I mean, my doctor and I had to use a magnifying glass/mirror to see them! And it's practically harmless. The worst is the stigma and the psychological distress because of it. Explain to her and tell her that it's okay if she decides to not continue. Be brave. You never know, it's so common that she may have had this in the past too! And how to start the conversation? If you see that things are definitely getting romantic let her know. Before you take your pants off for the first time (even for making out). Because she can catch it easily through the skin. Just tell her "I need to tell you something that's important". Edited August 18, 2015 by regine_phalange
Vintage79 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Tell her... She won't think less of you, on the contrary. I have HPV too. I showed some really tiny warts (1-2 mm), and had them removed. A new one would grow once in a while in a span of about a year. Then the virus cleared up and I didn't show any symptoms since (it's been 2 years without symptoms). But I still disclose to potential partners that I had this in the past. It's important because you don't know how someone's body may react to it. Most will never show symptoms, but some people like us are more sensitive and show symptoms. The taboo is bigger than the severity of this condition. I mean, my doctor and I had to use a magnifying glass/mirror to see them! And it's practically harmless. The worst is the stigma and the psychological distress because of it. Explain to her and tell her that it's okay if she decides to not continue. Be brave. You never know, it's so common that she may have had this in the past too! And how to start the conversation? If you see that things are definitely getting romantic let her know. Before you take your pants off for the first time (even for making out). Because she can catch it easily through the skin. Just tell her "I need to tell you something that's important". I'm glad you don't think she'd think less of him - I can tell you that if I just started dating someone and found out that they had an incurable genital infection, I'd probably just close up shop and walk away...
RoseVille Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Make no mistake about it, there is a test for males. It's just too expensive and complicated for a layperson to receive it. This is not true; read the CDC website. The closest you'll come is an anal Pap test for men engaged in receiving anal sex, and even then, will only test the anus.
regine_phalange Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I'm glad you don't think she'd think less of him - I can tell you that if I just started dating someone and found out that they had an incurable genital infection, I'd probably just close up shop and walk away... This virus doesn't define him as a person and doesn't mean he's promiscuous. Admitting that you have something that has a certain stigma around it takes some guts and is respectable. It's quite easy not to say anything and when your sex partner grows a wart you can tell them it must have been their previous partner and that you don't know anything about it. Because not everyone shows symptoms at the same time frame. It's her choice now. I personally was prepared that the men I confessed would back off, but it didn't happen. And apparently they never caught it. 1
Gaeta Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I'm a heterosexual male and just confirmed a single genital wart on my pubic bone. I've had it for a while and never thought anything of it. I even picked it off once, but it grew back over time. It didn't look like the cauliflower genital warts you see online. One recent night I was browsing the internet and reading up on STIs and I suddenly became paranoid about this thing. I regularly get tested for STIs and have always been clean, but I know there is no test for HPV. So, I went to a doctor just to check my paranoia, and he tells me it is indeed a genital wart! He said not to worry about it, freezed it for me on the spot, and advised me how to treat it at home until it clears. Now my great dilemma... How am I going to tell this new woman I've been dating (and who I had sex with once already) that I have an HPV wart? Do you think she'll call things off? I hear that most everyone gets HPV at some point and that the warts are not the same HPV strains that are high risk and cause cervical cancer. I am absolutely freaking the **** out. I can live with this, no problem. But I don't know if a partner could, and this couldn't have happened at a worse time as I think I finally met someone who is interested in an LTR with me. What to do? Go back to your doctor and let him explain to you what is involved here. HPV is no big deal. About 95% of women will get infected with it at some point in their life without even knowing it. HPV is temporary and your system fight it with time. I have read, for the common condyloms, that once the warts are treated and gone the risk of transmission is gone. All this needs to be confirmed by a doctor. It's a little bit like the warts you get on your fingers. 2
Vintage79 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 This virus doesn't define him as a person and doesn't mean he's promiscuous. Admitting that you have something that has a certain stigma around it takes some guts and is respectable. It's quite easy not to say anything and when your sex partner grows a wart you can tell them it must have been their previous partner and that you don't know anything about it. Because not everyone shows symptoms at the same time frame. It's her choice now. I personally was prepared that the men I confessed would back off, but it didn't happen. And apparently they never caught it. That's great - I just know that for me, when just getting to know someone, there are so many people to select from, it's not hard to skip those with problems I don't want to have to deal with - I'd pass on anyone with an incurable STD, anyone with a prior history of drug addiction, any one with a criminal past, a history of cheating, etc...all deal breakers for me if I've only gone out with them on a handful of dates...
regine_phalange Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I have read, for the common condyloms, that once the warts are treated and gone the risk of transmission is gone. All this needs to be confirmed by a doctor. It's a little bit like the warts you get on your fingers. Yes, that's what my doctor said. That after two years without symptoms I could consider myself healed and that the risk of transmission is very slight (they don't know if it's absolutely zero yet -- and it comes from a gynecologist with specialty in HPV and who also trains younger doctors about it).
regine_phalange Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 That's great - I just know that for me, when just getting to know someone, there are so many people to select from, it's not hard to skip those with problems I don't want to have to deal with - I'd pass on anyone with an incurable STD, anyone with a prior history of drug addiction, any one with a criminal past, a history of cheating, etc...all deal breakers for me if I've only gone out with them on a handful of dates... Yes, I think it's totally valid. I also expect this may be the decision of the people I disclose this personal information too. I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who's scared of me either!
Gaeta Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 That's great - I just know that for me, when just getting to know someone, there are so many people to select from, it's not hard to skip those with problems I don't want to have to deal with - I'd pass on anyone with an incurable STD, anyone with a prior history of drug addiction, any one with a criminal past, a history of cheating, etc...all deal breakers for me if I've only gone out with them on a handful of dates... Lucky us, who live with a virus, that only a small part of people feel like you do. Now OP needs support not this kind of negativity. OP: Everything will be alright. This is a temporary situation. There is much worse in life than having a pimple come out on you. 1
HereNorThere Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 There's no FDA-approved test for HPV in men, unfortunately. There is only an HPV vaccine. I'm not sure where HereNorThere found their information, or what the point was of telling you there's a test but you can't have it anyway... I would talk to your doctor about this and perhaps he can give you information that will help you have an open, educated discussion about this with the woman you are seeing. Educate yourself first, then present the facts to her. What she chooses to do with that information is out of your hands. I'm sorry you're in this situation! Good luck. Males can be and are tested for HPV DNA or through the use of cytology the same as women. The difference lies in what the results mean. Since HPV is mostly asymptomatic in men, there is no approved test. Or at least that's the way the bill it. In my opinion, it comes down to a cost/benefit analysis. DNA testing is expensive and they simply don't want to throw down the money. I guarantee you that you could easily be tested if you were willing to pay for it out of pocket. There in lies the fault. Sure, HPV is mostly asymptomatic in men, but given a certain type, you could be directly responsible for giving a woman cervical cancer. Human papillomavirus DNA detection in male sexual partners of women with genital human papillomavirus infection. - PubMed - NCBI Why is there no HPV test for men?
LoveRefreshed Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I think it's fine to not open up with that. However, if things start getting more physical, then yes, you need to be honest about such things. I think I would absolutely freak and break up with a girl if she let me go down on her/sleep with her without telling me if she had an STI. It would be irrational anger. If she tells me before hand, I can rationalize the risks and the situation much better and would be ultimately better for our relationship if I decided it was worth the risk.
Jejangles Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I dated a guy last year for about 4 months. A few dates in, when we were getting more physical, he told me had a wart that he had checked out and was most likely not HPV. To the point the doctor (who was an STI specialist) told him he didn't have to disclose it, but he wanted to anyway. I really appreciated that he told me, we moved slowly on the physical side and then when things did get more physical we used condoms. We later broke up but I really appreciated how he handled it. He handed the choice over to me and we had a mature discussion about it. HPV is super common, and a lot of people are asymptomatic and don't know they have it. You have to let the woman you are dating know, in a calm and factual way, include anything your doctor told you about risks etc., and let her make the choice. 1
lana-banana Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 As others have said, HPV is A) incredibly common and B) almost always temporary (it's certainly not "incurable" like one ill-informed poster suggested). Almost all HPV infections are cleared out of the body within a year or two. This will be an awkward conversation for sure, but present her with the facts and let her decide. If she's been vaccinated she may not care at all. And if she hasn't been vaccinated and she's under 26, this might at least spur her to get it, which is its own reward. I wouldn't stress about this. It wouldn't put me off of a guy I really liked, either. The first guy I slept with had a cancer-causing strain of HPV that I learned about the hard way. I would've much preferred he just had a wart.
deadelvis Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 This is how the HPV conversation has always gone with me. me: "oh hey by the way I have HPV... my last girlfriend didn't have it when we started dating but then after having unprotected sex all the time the doctors told her she had HPV, so I'm pretty sure I'm a carrier." her: "oh that's ok, I have HPV too. pretty much everyone has it" me: "so can I take this condom off?" her: "yeah just don't cum inside me" me: "sweet"
LoveRefreshed Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 As others have said, HPV is A) incredibly common and B) almost always temporary (it's certainly not "incurable" like one ill-informed poster suggested). Almost all HPV infections are cleared out of the body within a year or two. This will be an awkward conversation for sure, but present her with the facts and let her decide. If she's been vaccinated she may not care at all. And if she hasn't been vaccinated and she's under 26, this might at least spur her to get it, which is its own reward. I wouldn't stress about this. It wouldn't put me off of a guy I really liked, either. The first guy I slept with had a cancer-causing strain of HPV that I learned about the hard way. I would've much preferred he just had a wart. Wow, that is much more reasonable than I would have ever imagined. I'd be scared ****less to tell a girl that, I mean I still would, but I'd expect her to run out of my flat and never look back.
deadelvis Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 ...HPV is incredibly common and almost always temporary (it's certainly not "incurable" like one ill-informed poster suggested). Almost all HPV infections are cleared out of the body within a year or two. Where did you hear that? I'm not saying you're wrong, but that goes against everything I've ever been told by doctors or read online.
lana-banana Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Wow, that is much more reasonable than I would have ever imagined. I'd be scared ****less to tell a girl that, I mean I still would, but I'd expect her to run out of my flat and never look back. Alas, the type of HPV that causes cervical cancer is not detectable in men. (HereNorThere is correct; there are tests for HPV in men, but they are so complicated and expensive they effectively don't exist. They are only used for medical research.) So there was no way my lousy first lover would have known. However, he was irresponsible about his sexual health in a lot of ways and it's a miracle I didn't catch something much worse. STD talks are a good barometer of maturity, compatibility and mutual problem-solving. Within three weeks of dating my current boyfriend I had to tell him I might have HSV2. After some of the most heart-wrenching and awful conversations imaginable he said "look, this is scary and weird but we're going to figure this out together, okay?" Turns out I was negative. We still laugh about it to this day.
Recommended Posts