mrwigand Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Just been a strange few days. Firstly, I've been broken up with my gf for almost 7 months, and generally doing really well recently. Don't know how germane it is to this story, but I found out at the end of our relationship that my ex was diagnosed borderline personality disorder. The first 4 or 5 months after the breakup honestly were hell, really emotionally painful. But lately, I've been good. Anyway, I've been dating again, and that started out fun, but I think I need to take a break since I've fallen into some bad habits and mindsets. I've definitely fallen into that game of comparing everything to how it was with my ex. Like so many others, things with my ex got super serious REALLY quickly. After like 2 months we were "in love". Rationally, i know that's not the norm, but it's hard for me not to play the comparison game (especially with sex lol). Anyway, another weird situation came up... On my most recent date (it was an online setup), I realized the person I was on a date with was linked to my ex. I live in a little big city lol. Anyway, I had never met this person, but I eventually found out she was best friends and roommates with my ex's best friend (and definitely friends on some level with my ex). I really enjoyed meeting this person, but once I put this together I obviously decided it wasn't a good idea to ask her out on another date (the good news was I don't think she was particularly into it herself). Anyway, like a day later... I narrowly miss running into my ex and her new boyfriend com km out of my favorite neighborhood bar. I was super awkward, so I just pretended to look down at my phone and not notice (so smooth . The last time I spoke to my ex was on good terms though, so I decided to text her and say hi later. We caught up a little. It was okay. I mean, don't get me wrong it was weird, but I kind of asked for it. Anyway, I basically texted her to day I thought maybe I missed her leaving the bar and asked she was doing. She said she was doing "so so good... Was overall very happy." She mentioned her boyfriend several times. Also, she mentioned how she heard I had went on a date with her friend and she hoped it went well. I didn't talk long and I didn't really want to talk about the date, so I glossed over it, and wished her well. So, overall... I realize I probably contacted her just because I wanted an excuse to. It didn't emotionally wreck me, but it did leave me feeling weird. You know, hearing about her boyfriend, about how good she's doing. It's so weird when you're exes with someone because obviously I'm glad you're happy, but there's also that petty, emotional side of you that can be hurt by it as well. I don't know... Like I said, just a weird few days. Can anyone relate to any of this or where I'm coming from? Like I said, hearing from her wasn't that paindful (don't get me wrong, if I heard this same stuff a couple months ago I would have been a mess lol). But just some of the things I said... Hearing that our exes are doing really well and it stinging, comparing new partners, etc. Any of this resonate with anyone?
Qboro90 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I know exactly what you mean, it can be really difficult and a mind trap when you start dating again after a break up. The comparisons are something you're doing because you're not completely over your ex yet and your trying to measure other girls up. That will pass once you realize that it's over forever with your ex and/or when you meet a girl who just "wows" you and the immediate attraction and mutual feelings from her are there. That just hasn't happened for you yet, give it time, it will. I never realized how much better off I was after a break up until I developed a crush on a new girl or started seeing someone that was just better overall than my ex. Once that happens you'll start to realize "damn what was I so upset and bugging out over my ex for, there's other girls and opportunities that are a million times better for me than she was". I think that it's best to not contact your ex anymore. It's fine that you did it and spoke briefly so at least you have been able to remain amicable with one another and it's not a bad situation there but she made it very clear that she's with someone else and she's very happy and she hopes you find someone and happiness as well. If that doesn't close the chapter for you I don't know what will. Also I think it's a bad idea to limit your dating pool to only girls that your ex doesn't know whatsoever. Granted I think that the ex's roommates best friend date may have been a bit awkward but she wasn't directly friends with your ex so if she was an incredible girl and you were really attracted to her you can't let the fact that your ex knows who she is stop you from exploring it as a possibility to make you happy. Your ex isn't doing that so you shouldn't either. Best of luck, you'll get past it as long as you're able to face the truth that it's over and while your time together was important and helped mold both your lives, it ran its course and you're excited at what's ahead.
Author mrwigand Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 Thanks, Qboro! I appreciate your thoughtful advice. I'm definitely glad she's happy, and that she's wishing me well too. I am still dealing with a little residual emo myself, despite the fact that I'm definitely happy for the most part too and things are going well with me. But I definitely think you're right. I need to stop communicating with her because I definitely didn't leave that conversation feeling completely normal. I felt weird and ever so slightly, irrationally emo. So I need to not put myself in that situation.
Qboro90 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Yea agreed. It's always going to be tempted to reach out to the ex when you haven't seen or heard from them in a while or if you see them somewhere (leaving the bar like U did), hear them mentioned by someone else, etc and reach out to see what's going on. That's mainly just you wanting them to tell you they miss you and/or have been miserable since the break up. That just would make you feel better about yourself by knowing they're struggling to... However when you know or find out they're doing well and it hasn't crippled them that's a tough pill to swallow. Just know that it in no way is a reflection of you and doesn't mean she didn't care for or love you during your time together. Like I said before, most relationships end because they've just run their course. It's better to separate like you did instead of staying with someone and forcing it because you don't want to hurt the other ones feelings or because you're just comfortable. Toughest part is breaking that routine and the dependency on the other person. You're in the right track
aloneinaz Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I think you learned from this that you shouldn't contact you ex any further. She's moved on and you're working that direction. It's good that you're on decent terms but you can't go from an intense relationship to "buddies", it simply doesn't work. If she truly has BPD, TRUST ME, her life isn't all sunshine and birds singing. They are too damaged and you should truly feel sorry for not only her for having to deal with it, but whoever she has in her life. You know damn well his life w/her isn't a treat.
Chi townD Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 What I found weird is how fast she found out that you went on a date with her friend. I mean, I know girls talk. But, admitting they went on a date with their Ex?!?! Makes me wonder if that was a set up. Like, she was feeling guilty that she had someone and you didn't, so send over her friend. Yeah, a little weird
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