katiegrl Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I've been seeing this guy for about 2 years now..He goes weeks with giving me so much attention..and then goes a week in his cave. First off, he sounds like an extremist. He is either showering you with attention (to the point of obsession if you don't respond after his "cave" time). Or he completely dismisses you for a week and disappears. If he could learn to balance his emotions and tone down his attention a bit and not overwhelm you (and HIMSELF) with giving you "so much attention" during the time he's NOT in his cave, he may not even need to go in the cave. At least not as often and for not as long. Sounds like he gives you so much attention, so much of himself...to the point he becomes so overwhelmed, he needs to disappear to "get back to himself." That is not healthy....and if he doesn't learn to balance his emotions in a more healthy fashion... his need to disappear will continue to happen. 1
Diezel Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Break it off, if you don't like this enough that it is a hindrance in your life and too much of a big deal... guess what, it's not going to change. So you need to make a decision, either you deal with this or you don't. But from what I can see, he doesn't even recognize that he is doing anything wrong, and he never will. Up to you to decide if you want to take the 5% of the time he doesn't talk to you versus the 95% that he does.
Author ilovemefirst Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 He has been messaging and calling quite a bit now, and i just told him i cannot do this anymore and that i deserve better. He kept saying that he was feeling stressed with work and thats the only way he deals, is by going in a shell and shutting everyone out. I told him that i have asked him in the past to just tell me he needs space, instead of disappearing. I dont think i asked for alot. Anyways i have been ignoring him since, and now all of a sudden hes the one chasing me. I dont get it.
losangelena Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 He seems to only want things on his terms—YOU'RE the one who has to be understanding when he needs space, or is stressed. YOU have to pay attention to him when he's ready. Why can't he at least try to deal with his stress differently—in a way that doesn't shut you out completely? Why can't he compromise a bit on his end? OP I'm sorry, what a crappy situation.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 He has been messaging and calling quite a bit now, and i just told him i cannot do this anymore and that i deserve better. He kept saying that he was feeling stressed with work and thats the only way he deals, is by going in a shell and shutting everyone out. I told him that i have asked him in the past to just tell me he needs space, instead of disappearing. I dont think i asked for alot. Anyways i have been ignoring him since, and now all of a sudden hes the one chasing me. I dont get it. The major problem I would have here is that he is entirely uncommunicative when he wants space. I can sympathize with the need for alone time, but at the same time I would expect my partner to sympathize for my need to communicate that. You're respecting his need for space; he is not respecting your need for open communication. This is where the conflict lies, from my perspective. What did he say when you pointed out that all you asked is for him to clue you in when he needs alone time? If you think in hypothetical terms for a moment - what would happen if someday he decided to become a husband and father, and he feels stressed? He needs better coping mechanisms than simply shutting everyone out and neglecting to speak to them at all. That won't work in a long-term relationship or family setting.
angel.eyes Posted August 19, 2015 Posted August 19, 2015 Let me ask you this--Would he disappear for a week without saying anything to anyone at work? Once, twice, or five times? With the excuse that he couldn't handle his relationship stress...or work stress? Would he have a job after such a stunt? Then why is it acceptable to treat you this way? Most people will eventually have children. Can he disappear for a week when his infant gets colic? Or his toddler has a tantrum? So why is it okay for him to disappear abruptly for a week without warning where you're concerned. At best, he has a very immature and selfish way of handling stress. It's one thing to need space, let the person know you need a day or two to decompress from a particular stressful event that happened, then go quiet. It's entirely different to disappear without warning on your partner, be cold and distant when she reaches out with concern, and then when you're finally ready and feel like it, smother her with attention and stalk her. That's dysfunctional and will eventually get worse if you accept it. This wouldn't work for me...particularly the suffocation and stalking to reconnect once he's good again. The first time warrants a chat. The second or third time, he would discover himself alone after he resurfaced. Is this treatment working for you?
Author ilovemefirst Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 He says its work stress, and he snaps out of it..and then comes back expecting everything to be normal again. He will call and call and call and call and msg and msg and msg until he gets my attention again. Its very immature and i def feel stupid for giving him so many chances. I had enough and now he is begging for me to forgive him. I told him that i cant do this anymore. I feel empty now, like i have no feelings left all of a sudden...is this normal? 1
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