ilovemefirst Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I've been seeing this guy for about 2 years now..He goes weeks with giving me so much attention..and then goes a week in his cave. During the cave time, he acts as though i do not exist..When i ask him what is wrong, he makes it sound as though it is in my head. He has already gone into his cave about 5 times. I just leave him alone now and he comes back to me on his own, but frankly, in the time he needs his space, i feel so angry and upset and i have thoughts of wanting to break up with him. I respect his need for space, but he wont be honest about it. When he does come back, i don't really give him the attention he wants because i feel resentful. But he won't give me space. If i dont respond to his messages within a few hours, he panics and starts blowing up my phone. He even calls me from private numbers to make sure i answer. He gets obsessive then. He even passes my house to see where i am.... Boys/Men, i need your take on this. What does this constant need for space mean? And when i not giving him as much attention, why does he get so needy and obsessive?
HereNorThere Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I'm not going to go into crazy specifics, but my therapist, and when I say therapist, I mean 40 years into the field, Harvard educated, 200 dollars an hour, real doctor psychiatrist, said "HereNorThere, in my experience, men want space" I highly suggest googling "distance pursuer" because that's what happens. See, men want space and when it happens, it freaks women out and makes them want to try to pull the man closer. This makes the man resent the woman and the end up up in a distancer-pursuer relationship dynamic. The best thing you can do is give that space.
mystikmind2005 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 You know what i would do.... while he is in his 'cave' i would take the time to go and get a new phone number, new locks if necessary, change social media. When the dushbag reapers, I'm gone! hardy ha ha 2
mapofyourhead Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I'm not a guy but I had to point out a few things that jumped out at me. I've been seeing this guy for about 2 years now..He goes weeks with giving me so much attention..and then goes a week in his cave. During the cave time, he acts as though i do not exist..When i ask him what is wrong, he makes it sound as though it is in my head. It's not wrong to want space. Both men and women need their space; some need it more than others. But acting like you don't exist? Of course you're angry and upset. Not only is that disrespectful and hurtful, but I would question what he's up to. And why are you allowing him to treat you like this? But he won't give me space. If i dont respond to his messages within a few hours, he panics and starts blowing up my phone. He even calls me from private numbers to make sure i answer. He gets obsessive then. He even passes my house to see where i am.... Uhhh, he can take all the time he wants and ignore you, but you're not allowed to take a few hours for yourself? SO fair of him. He's incredibly insecure if he can't trust you when you don't respond, and then feels the need to drive by your house (which is honestly pretty creepy). I think you guys need to have a good talk about this...
ExpatInItaly Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 How much space are we talking here? Does he disappear for days? Weeks? Does he just stop responding to you altogether, with no warning? Everyone needs space sometimes, sure. But to do it repeatedly and for long periods prevents any deep connection. You need to have a big think about whether or not you want to keep tolerating this. It doesn't sound like he's going to change any time soon, and it certainly doesn't sound as though he understands why this frustrates and upsets you. For him to then go ape-sh*t when he decides to come back and find you're not waiting with open arms is not good. I would not trust this guy.
Gaeta Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I'm not going to go into crazy specifics, but my therapist, and when I say therapist, I mean 40 years into the field, Harvard educated, 200 dollars an hour, real doctor psychiatrist, said "HereNorThere, in my experience, men want space" I highly suggest googling "distance pursuer" because that's what happens. See, men want space and when it happens, it freaks women out and makes them want to try to pull the man closer. This makes the man resent the woman and the end up up in a distancer-pursuer relationship dynamic. The best thing you can do is give that space. And it doesn't take a Harvard diploma to know that there is a huge difference between a man needing his space (a few days) and this man here who disappears weeks ..weeks at a time. OP: That's not a boyfriend or a relationship. You're a convenience. He is there when he feels like it. How are you suppose to have a future with a man like this? When you're married and parents he's going to disappear weeks at a time? Nah, kill this. It's not worth your time. 1
Keenly Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 And it doesn't take a Harvard diploma to know that there is a huge difference between a man needing his space (a few days) and this man here who disappears weeks ..weeks at a time. OP: That's not a boyfriend or a relationship. You're a convenience. He is there when he feels like it. How are you suppose to have a future with a man like this? When you're married and parents he's going to disappear weeks at a time? Nah, kill this. It's not worth your time. No where does she say he disappears for weeks. She said one week at a time and that's happened five times in two years. I think you are being a little demanding. Your post has this vibe that reads " how dare he want his own space, it should be about me all the time "
Gaeta Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Keenly look at first sentence !! I know english isn't my 1st languages but l understand 'for weeks' ...
Keenly Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Keenly look at first sentence !! I know english isn't my 1st languages but l understand 'for weeks' ...He goes weeks with giving me so much attention..and then goes a week in his cave. Not weeks
Gaeta Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 He goes weeks with giving me so much attention..and then goes a week in his cave. Not weeks *moment of embarrassment* lol
Keenly Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Five weeks in two years is only 5% of the time. I say just let him be. He always comes back, and it can't always be about you. Let the man have his space.
Gaeta Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Ok I re-read this with both my eyes. I've been seeing this guy for about 2 years now..He goes weeks with giving me so much attention..and then goes a week in his cave. During the cave time, he acts as though i do not exist..When i ask him what is wrong, he makes it sound as though it is in my head. He has already gone into his cave about 5 times. If you look at the big picture, if he went in his cave 5 times in 2 years that's on average a 1 week cave time each 4.8 months. Which is more than reasonable. Can't you give him that? During that week just do something else. My question to you is when he acts as if you don't exist does that mean he ignores your calls and texts? What do you mean exactly? I just leave him alone now and he comes back to me on his own, but frankly, in the time he needs his space, i feel so angry and upset and i have thoughts of wanting to break up with him. I respect his need for space, but he wont be honest about it. What do you mean by he won't be honest about it? Where do you feel you are being lied to? When he does come back, i don't really give him the attention he wants because i feel resentful. But he won't give me space. If i dont respond to his messages within a few hours, he panics and starts blowing up my phone. He even calls me from private numbers to make sure i answer. He gets obsessive then. He even passes my house to see where i am.... This is an entirely different problem. This is possessiveness and lack of respect for your boundaries. Him driving in front of your home is plain STALKING. Does he also want to know who you spend your time with? does not like other men around etc? I think you got your hands full with this problem only and him needing cave time isn't what you should worry about. 1
kendahke Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Five weeks in two years is only 5% of the time. I say just let him be. He always comes back, and it can't always be about you. Let the man have his space. However, there's that part about him not allowing reciprocity when OP wants time to herself. OP needs to have the same consideration when she wants to be alone and not bothered by him, but he stalks her when she does.
Keenly Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Is your need for space out of resentful spite in order to punish him, or is it a legitimate need for space at other times that he doesn't respect. There is a huge difference.
Walters Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I can understand space, but for the most part a few hour to cool off maybe a day at best should be it. IMO you should never go to bed upset at each other. not being on talking terms for a week? I would just say screw it personally. Anybody IMO that stays mad for this long has anger issues. 1
Keenly Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I can understand space, but for the most part a few hour to cool off maybe a day at best should be it. IMO you should never go to bed upset at each other. not being on talking terms for a week? I would just say screw it personally. Anybody IMO that stays mad for this long has anger issues. One can't arbitrarily decide how much of something is enough and then assign that limit to other people. We are all different and we all manage our lives differently. To say there is a one size fits all rule is just bad advice. 1
Redhead14 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I've been seeing this guy for about 2 years now..He goes weeks with giving me so much attention..and then goes a week in his cave. During the cave time, he acts as though i do not exist..When i ask him what is wrong, he makes it sound as though it is in my head. He has already gone into his cave about 5 times. I just leave him alone now and he comes back to me on his own, but frankly, in the time he needs his space, i feel so angry and upset and i have thoughts of wanting to break up with him. I respect his need for space, but he wont be honest about it. When he does come back, i don't really give him the attention he wants because i feel resentful. But he won't give me space. If i dont respond to his messages within a few hours, he panics and starts blowing up my phone. He even calls me from private numbers to make sure i answer. He gets obsessive then. He even passes my house to see where i am.... Boys/Men, i need your take on this. What does this constant need for space mean? And when i not giving him as much attention, why does he get so needy and obsessive? "Caving" is a normal response for some men to what I call "estrogen" overload. They spend a lot of time with the woman and then retreat but it should only be for a day or two tops, not a week. Doing it for a week or more is just plain disrespectful and stressful for the woman. It's a sign of emotional immaturity to push people away like that. What is his family history? However, if you love him enough you want to learn to live with longer caving scenarios and try to get him to not do it as often or for less time, it's important that you don't pull away yourself. In other words, when he does it, try not to become angry or resentful. It's very hard to do. But you need to remember that it's not really about you. It's not that he doesn't love you or want you, it's just his make up. When he senses you've become angry and pulling away yourself, it's the reason he becomes insecure and comes at you so hard afterwards. It's a tough row to hoe for a woman. The woman needs to just learn to go on living her own life while he's caving and not focusing on it. When he pulls away, you stay centered/anchored. You stay "where" you are. It's like a rubberband, he's pulling away. If you pull away too, the rubberband will break or if you chase him into that cave, you are causing slack and he can't bounce back to you as easily. Getting angry, doing a lot of questionsing, etc. pushes him further and delays the cave time. You can reach out to him lightly/supportively but don't criticize him, etc. At some point after the caving scenario, you can and should let him know how that makes you feel. Reassure him that when he's in his cave, you still love him but you are hurting because he's shut you out. Turn the table on him and remind him how it feels by pointing out the fact that he gets upset when you don't respond quickly to messages, etc. Do it in a supportive way though. "you know, M, it does hurt me when I don't see or hear from you for 5 days at a time. It makes me feel as though you've forgotten about me. Just like the other day when you were worried because I didn't answer ______". Observe his response. Men who are prone to this do sometimes start doing it less often or for shorter periods if the woman can learn how to manage her own emotions. I don't really recommend staying with a man who continues to do this after you've expressed your concerns. If he truly cares enough for you, he will make an attempt to do better at least. If he doesn't, you'll need to consider moving on. A man who does this after he has a family and children, will be "absent" now and again when his family may need him. And, you would have to consider how it affects the children as well.
Walters Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 One can't arbitrarily decide how much of something is enough and then assign that limit to other people. We are all different and we all manage our lives differently. To say there is a one size fits all rule is just bad advice. I believe in most cases one day is enough but not a limit, however a week (7 days) of zero contact/ignoring is just ridiculous. This is more of a break and not space. 1
Author ilovemefirst Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 Thank you for your responses. I have respected his need for space, but i would have appreciated him telling me so. I am not needy, and i can go for a day without talking to him and i am still fine. I have my own life. When i do message him when he is in his mood for space, he responds coldly to me. I of course ask if he is okay, he says yes and then continues witihout speaking. I think that he needs to learn how to communicate and just tell me that he needs space. I would gladly give it to him. Yes, at times i need space too. But it isnt given to me and thats when he becomes obsessive. Its the extreme opposite. I dont get it.. I think im gonna just call this quits and move on. I deserve better
kendahke Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Is your need for space out of resentful spite in order to punish him, or is it a legitimate need for space at other times that he doesn't respect. There is a huge difference. Is his need for space born out of resentment and spite? Not wanting to be stalked and hounded is rather "legitimate" to me.
Author ilovemefirst Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 No his mood changes rather suddenly..he gets depressed because of his work stress. Nothing can make him talk to me then. He will make me think that im being crazy for thinking something is wrong. I dont always need space, and i do not do this out of spite, but i take a step back to reevaluate my relationship with him, and he senses it. I dont know how, but he does. He then calls and calls and calls and keeps asking what is wrong. I usually just say that i am in thinking mode and i would call him later ...thats when he goes all stalkerish on me. I broke up with him once in between too and he did not handle it well. I think he may be a committment phobe, bc he doesnt wanna talk about marriage. I dont know if i am wasting my time. Like i said, i respect a mans neeed for space, but i also prefer him to be honest with me and tell me he needs space, instead of just disappearing. I think that is NOT asking for too much.
losangelena Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I dont know if i am wasting my time. I think you are wasting your time. But, have you told him directly that you don't appreciate it when he just disappears? Does he understand the effect is has on you? That any of this has on you? It's hard to be in a relationship with someone who will go days on end ignoring you. What about him exactly do you like? What's causing you to stick around and put up with this?
Author ilovemefirst Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 That is the only issue we have. We are best friends and get along great. We have a good communication when he isnt in one of his moods. I used to react differently to the mood swings and think it was about me, but now i dont react at all and i leave him be and he comes back on his own. He then suddenly asks me if I am ok. I have tried to tell him that i would rather he tells me when he needs space, rather than me having to guess whats on his mind. Thats all i asked him for and he still cant do that. So i need to evaluate this relationship and see if its really worth it.
Redhead14 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 That is the only issue we have. We are best friends and get along great. We have a good communication when he isnt in one of his moods. I used to react differently to the mood swings and think it was about me, but now i dont react at all and i leave him be and he comes back on his own. He then suddenly asks me if I am ok. I have tried to tell him that i would rather he tells me when he needs space, rather than me having to guess whats on his mind. Thats all i asked him for and he still cant do that. So i need to evaluate this relationship and see if its really worth it. This is part of what is often a fear of or difficulty in being emotionally intimate with a partner. On top of that, he likely can't give you a heads up about it. It simply "comes on" for him and is probably usually well into it before he actually realizes himself that he's pulling away. So it could be a couple of days before he even knows he's wanting/needing space and by then you are already thinking "what's going on". You are right to re-evaluate this. It is a difficult thing for a partner to deal with.
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