Being Fair To Yourself

[JustTryingToBreathe]

Breakups feel like someone died. That's the blunt thing that nobody will ever tell you. You go from talking to someone all day every day...to cutting off cold turkey.

 

My boyfriend and I broke up because he had some serious emotional issues he needed to work out before he could handle being in a healthy relationship. He never dealt with his mom's death 10 years ago, so he finds himself unable to function in a healthy relationship as he continues to procrastinate dealing with his issues. His family finally had an intervention, which I supported, and was able to convince him to begin therapy. This is huge. A very huge step in his mental reconciliation. I wanted so badly for him to look at me and tell me that he was going to do this...and he was going to work hard to get better...but that he wanted me there by his side every step of the way. But he didn't. He feels like he will continue to hurt me through the process until he just figures himself out.

 

He asked me (begged me) to not say that we were done "forever". He expressed that if in 6 months or a year or whenever he does start to feel progress and see progress, that he wants to know that he has the opportunity to make things work with me. He continued to tell me i was the best thing that every happened to him. And that's why he couldn't hurt me anymore. Because he's scared he will do something to hurt me bad enough that it really will be a "forever out of my life" thing.

 

It's hard for me to hear him say that. It gives me hope. It makes me think "ok...this breakup is only a temporary thing until he gets better. We will get back into our groove once therapy helps. And we will be stronger than ever."

 

But am I kidding myself? Am I being unfair to myself as I promise these things to myself only to be let down later if it doesn't happen, and have to deal with fresh heartbreak all over again? Or is it ok to do whatever it takes to help mend my heart right now since the pain is so fresh?

 

I'm just at a loss...I can't tell what is helping me and not helping me at this point. Thank you so much if you made it to the end of this post. Your advice really does mean the world.

[dyna85]

I don't think it's fair for him to keep you waiting, and I wouldn't bet on him returning at the end of his "sabbatical." I think relationships are about growing and healing together, through good times and bad, and someone wanting to leave due to 'issues, stress, whatever' is not serious about making the relationship work long-term, because there are always going to be highs and lows and tragedies and rough waters in life. You don't take a break from a relationship to deal with such things if you're committed to the other person.

 

I repeat that it's not fair for him to keep you waiting. He says him staying will cause you pain, yet him leaving for an indefinite period won't?

 

There are plenty of guys who would stick with you in spite of their issues (who doesn't have issues? we're all dealing with losses) so why hold out for someone who's like 'I'm gonna be away for x amt of time and just hold that thought for x amt of months or years.'). You don't have time to waste waiting on anybody, especially as a woman, with a time-bound biological clock, if that still applies to you.

 

Only you can make the choice after the said period of healing time on his part expires if you wish to take him back, if he even returns, and even goes through this alleged healing. There are just way too many 'what ifs' in this scenario and you don't have time to waste, especially on someone who is demonstrating that he can't deal with life's problems with a partner. He may never be capable of maintaining a relationship with life's issues in the way. He may just be the type to make excuses or not know how to manage relationships effectively when life issues crop up and make waves.

 

I have a friend who is big on excuses. He has it all figured out.. he'll look for someone in a few months when school eases up.. yet then some other issue will inevitably pop up and there will be another excuse. And my thought is, how does he know at the exact time that his school stress eases up that he will then encounter someone? Life doesn't work like that. We're often surprised when good things happen. They don't happen according to our own set expectations.

 

Time waits for no one, and anyone who thinks they can structure everything according to their own plan is mistaken.

 

This guy is lucky he had someone like you and he's letting a good thing go.

 

I would not be okay with that if I were you. Surely you have your own stresses and you're committed and caring enough to stay. If he is unwilling to do the same, then let him go and for good. You deserve better.

 

Don't put your life on hold for anyone. If someone can't appreciate you enough to remain by your side, they're not worth it. Let 'em go. Throw 'em back into the pond.

Edited August 18, 2015 by dyna85

[mightycpa]

You know, there is something to being alone with yourself in order to get to know who you are, and to work issues out. I'm not convinced it is always helpful to have someone at your side while you're working through that. It takes a lot of selfish focus to do it right.

 

That said, part of figuring yourself out might mean that you don't want what you wanted before. I think you're under no obligation certainly, and you shouldn't "wait" for something that might not happen.

 

You can't be on his unknown timeline and he can't be on yours. You have to assume that it is over, and when and if he returns to you, only then can you judge your willingness to move forward with him. If you worry about it now, you really have no idea what you're worrying about.

 

So move forward at your own pace and expect nothing from him. That's the best thing you can do for yourself, given all the uncertainty that surrounds his promise.