Feeling attached again to my ex, unsure what I should do now?

[vanilla27]

We ended badly as he was manipulative and once cheated during the relationship, I became depressed and he dumped me and later told me I'm paranoid and manic because I asked if he had cheated a third time. It was 9 months ago we broke up. Recently he contacted me grovelling and crying and wanted to be friends, so I agreed we'd talk occasionally but keep each other at arms length. Stupidly, I slept with him, as the conversation was very emotionally charged. I found out recently he had casual sex with another girl three days after that. (though I did say to him immediately after that it was a mistake).

 

He has been texting me a lot. The texts he sends to me are mostly nonsense, as opposed to real conversation, and he is sometimes drunk texting late at night. Often it turns sexual, I feel like it's all he wants me for, just for attention, an ego boost & sexual gratification without caring about me. I have been lonely and reciprocating. He refers to girls he has slept with since me (there's been 4 others, all on drunken nights out) and said 2 of them came back for more. It makes me feel crap. He recently told me he wants me to be 'owned' by him as he is very dominant, but when I asked if he would be exclusive he seemed reluctant. I was upset when I found out he slept with a 5th girl 3 days after me. What should I do? Ideally I want to forget & be happy on my own or with someone new but he is in my head.

 

If I cut him out, I am unsure how to go about it, his reaction worries me. I am scared if I say to him 'I no longer want to talk to you because I still have feelings for you and am hurt bla bla_____' he will say something back that is likely to upset me, intentionally or not, or that he will stop talking to me completely. I feel bad for wanting to cut him out because I'm not convinced he's done all of this purposely to hurt me. I could just point blank stop talking to him and block him from my life and social media entirely, but then I feel like I'd ruminate about what he thinks about it, and if he thinks I'm crazy. Or I could talk to him and slowly phase him out gradually, but then I'm worried I'll get over him more slowly as I'll struggle to talk to him less, as I generally don't feel good if he isn't giving me attention. My friends think I'll be a whole lot better off if I cut him out, but I'm just not sure. He can be lovely sometimes, but mostly I feel anxious and unhappy. What do you think I should do? I get so upset thinking about him with another girl, most of the girls have been casual but I do get jealous thinking about if he'll find a girl to date properly, though people around me tell me that he could never sustain a healthy relationship being this way.

[La.Primavera]

This guy is an absolute creep! What on earth makes you think you deserve to be treated this way over and over again? Yes, block him go no contact and never speak to him again. If he has an issue with that, get a restraining order, whatever it takes to get rid of him for good. I'm sure it will be hard at first, you will think about him and feel lonely sometimes but it will pass and you will meet someone who treats you with love and respect.

 

The alternative is you spend more time being hurt by a loser who is using you for sex. It may hurt to admit that to yourself but it is exactly what he is doing. He doesn't have good intentions or your best interests at heart. He is only thinking about one thing, himself. He will never be faithful to you. I hope you used protection when you were with him because I doubt he bothered with the others.

 

I'm sorry to sound harsh but you need to hear this. You need to put your mental and physical health above everything else. He will bring you down. You deserve so much better than him.

[Heatherknows]

I feel like it's all he wants me for, just for attention, an ego boost & sexual gratification without caring about me.

 

You're correct. This is why he contacts you. He's abusing you but you don't have to let this continue. You can stop the abuse.

[Phoenixashes]

" I am scared if I say to him 'I no longer want to talk to you because I still have feelings for you and am hurt bla bla_____' he will say something back that is likely to upset me, intentionally or not, or that he will stop talking to me completely"

 

Say nothing. Block. Avoid him. No contact. He doesn't care. He wants the easy rotation of vagina. The end

[dyna85]

You need to get away from him as fast as possible and work on building your self-esteem. You are letting him walk all over you. This situation is supremely unhealthy and your thoughts regarding it are not healthy either. Would you consider therapy? I think that would benefit you very much. You don't deserve to be disrespected like this. Run as fast as possible from this guy. I agree with everyone above. Block, delete, ignore, and don't look back, ever.

[vanilla27]

I feel like maybe he can't help being the way he is, due to deep down insecurities and inadequacies, and that maybe on some level he does care about me because initially he wanted to be my friend and that's it (or so he said). Though I know if I was, say, in a relationship with someone else now, he wouldn't contact me anywhere near as much except maybe occasionally to ask how I am because he wants some attention. I know I have very low self esteem and should seek therapy. I worry about if it's all in my head; if he was with another girl and they were happy and healthy together. Mostly, I just long to be happy, and I wish I understood why he didn't care about me.

 

I'm really trying to take it on board and finally cut him out of my life. I have a couple more things to say here first. What if he just doesn't realise I'm still into him, if he thinks I haven't told him to leave me alone yet because I don't actually mind the way he's behaving? As in, he has no idea it's messing with my head, because he thinks I want to use him for sex too? Does that make his actions any better? Or is there no two ways about it? He says he wants to own me but allow me to sleep with other people of his choice once he's 'trained' me, it's all a part of this fantasy he has, which I didn't mind before (everybody has fantasies right?) but now it seems absurd to expect it. What if he isn't intentionally messing with my head? What if he's not so bad after all? What if he does care?

 

It's true that his sole purpose with being friends was for selfish reasons. I generally don't think close friendship with exes is a good idea unless necessary i.e. if you have a child together. But he texts me everyday. I would love to meet someone who treats me right one day, for now I'd like to be single and work on myself and seek therapy. I just wish I knew for certain if he does care and if not, why not.

 

Thank you for the replies