Is it really me?

[difficult_decisions]

After a long streak of unsuccessful dating that never make it past a 2 month mark (many of which I've posted about in the past on here), I've come to realize that I may be the problem to all of this, or at least the approach.

 

I've been reading a lot of advice pertaining to other people's situation (like this one http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/542996-taking-slow-not-really-interested) that really mirrors my experiences.

 

A lot of times I feel like I come off too strong after a few weeks of dating. I've made an effort to be more conscious about this after lessons I've learned from my past failed dating attempts, but all it did was made me overthink ever situation and act out of fear and impatience. A prime example is my most recent. I was having a great time with her and then after one weekend, she started to pull away. This went on for a couple weeks until I came clean with my feelings about it. Her response was that she enjoyed spending time with me, but admitted to pulling back a little because she's an independent person and isn't easy for her to adjust. I'm taking that as an indirect way of her telling me that she's lost interest in me because I came off too strong.

 

I'm sitting here right now, really lost in thought, about the million things that went wrong that I should've done differently. When interest levels were offset, I probably became insecure and clingy and somehow it gave off the vibe. How would I have restored the balance so that it wasn't one sided and show confidence and self respect for myself?

 

This also goes hand in hand with playing hard to get. On paper everything makes sense to me. I understand that I need other stuff going on in my life and not be boggled down on every situation with a woman. It's just when I find someone I'm attracted to, I genuinely want to get to know them better, but instead something about my advances shows everything that turns a woman off. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I should take a break from dating and reaccess.

 

/rant

[Gaeta]

You are not doing anything wrong. It's normal it's not gonna work till it does.

 

When you feel early on that she has less interest in you than you have in her than don't pursue.

 

Look out there, all kinds of people are in relationships.

 

I don't care if you're a big texter or not, if you need a lot of attention or not, if you're this or that, there are women out there that are compatible with you and you will eventually find one.

[difficult_decisions]

You are not doing anything wrong. It's normal it's not gonna work till it does.

 

When you feel early on that she has less interest in you than you have in her than don't pursue.

 

Look out there, all kinds of people are in relationships.

 

I don't care if you're a big texter or not, if you need a lot of attention or not, if you're this or that, there are women out there that are compatible with you and you will eventually find one.

 

Thank you Gaeta, I appreciate you saying that.

[Versacehottie]

actually there could be a middle ground. I don't agree with Gaeta this time (sorry, Gaeta). Not everything is black and white. No one here has a crystal ball and it's not just a matter of continually throwing away people like some perfect one who will just get you exists. When you repeatedly have the same problem, as you said yourself, you feel like you might be part of the problem. Bingo. Not saying it to be mean. The things you are meaning to convey are getting either misconstrued or one thing is overshadowing everything else. It's a very common problem so don't feel bad. How do you get better at communicating within dating if you "take a break", retreat and then come back with the same patterns, hoping new people with new thought processes have magically appeared on the scene. Could it be possible that there are shades of grey? That you could adjust your approach and communication to get what you want and what works for other guys? Yes, of course!

 

If you are making it to 2 months with girls, clearly you are attractive. I don't just mean physically but in other senses as well. So it's not you; it's the message that you are putting out. Sounds like you get caught up in your excitement and impatient which comes off as pushing too hard, clingy or needing too much from the other person. This is a great opportunity to communicate better not throw in the towel or determine other person can't give you what you need or are not it because you are not seeing perfectly eye to eye. It's too hyperfocused on one person is intense and can scare people off. Don't be down on yourself. Look at constructive ways that you can do things differently. Post examples of past ones if you want or as you are starting off on your next one and we will help.

[MovingOnIsHard]

After a long streak of unsuccessful dating that never make it past a 2 month mark (many of which I've posted about in the past on here), I've come to realize that I may be the problem to all of this, or at least the approach.

 

I've been reading a lot of advice pertaining to other people's situation (like this one http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/542996-taking-slow-not-really-interested) that really mirrors my experiences.

 

A lot of times I feel like I come off too strong after a few weeks of dating. I've made an effort to be more conscious about this after lessons I've learned from my past failed dating attempts, but all it did was made me overthink ever situation and act out of fear and impatience. A prime example is my most recent. I was having a great time with her and then after one weekend, she started to pull away. This went on for a couple weeks until I came clean with my feelings about it. Her response was that she enjoyed spending time with me, but admitted to pulling back a little because she's an independent person and isn't easy for her to adjust. I'm taking that as an indirect way of her telling me that she's lost interest in me because I came off too strong.

 

I'm sitting here right now, really lost in thought, about the million things that went wrong that I should've done differently. When interest levels were offset, I probably became insecure and clingy and somehow it gave off the vibe. How would I have restored the balance so that it wasn't one sided and show confidence and self respect for myself?

 

This also goes hand in hand with playing hard to get. On paper everything makes sense to me. I understand that I need other stuff going on in my life and not be boggled down on every situation with a woman. It's just when I find someone I'm attracted to, I genuinely want to get to know them better, but instead something about my advances shows everything that turns a woman off. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I should take a break from dating and reaccess.

 

/rant

 

In the past 6 months, I probably went on soo many first dates before finally finding my current SO. If it doesn't work out, then it was never meant to be. The worse you can do is to force a mutual connection/chemistry that isn't there. Also, never settle for less.

 

Good luck out there, OP.

[difficult_decisions]

actually there could be a middle ground. I don't agree with Gaeta this time (sorry, Gaeta). Not everything is black and white. No one here has a crystal ball and it's not just a matter of continually throwing away people like some perfect one who will just get you exists. When you repeatedly have the same problem, as you said yourself, you feel like you might be part of the problem. Bingo. Not saying it to be mean. The things you are meaning to convey are getting either misconstrued or one thing is overshadowing everything else. It's a very common problem so don't feel bad. How do you get better at communicating within dating if you "take a break", retreat and then come back with the same patterns, hoping new people with new thought processes have magically appeared on the scene. Could it be possible that there are shades of grey? That you could adjust your approach and communication to get what you want and what works for other guys? Yes, of course!

 

If you are making it to 2 months with girls, clearly you are attractive. I don't just mean physically but in other senses as well. So it's not you; it's the message that you are putting out. Sounds like you get caught up in your excitement and impatient which comes off as pushing too hard, clingy or needing too much from the other person. This is a great opportunity to communicate better not throw in the towel or determine other person can't give you what you need or are not it because you are not seeing perfectly eye to eye. It's too hyperfocused on one person is intense and can scare people off. Don't be down on yourself. Look at constructive ways that you can do things differently. Post examples of past ones if you want or as you are starting off on your next one and we will help.

 

I can get in more depth with my most recent one. It's one of those situations where it will probably never happen to me again. She was a stewardess on one of my flights and she gave me her number without me saying a word to her.

 

For the first few weeks she would always initiate text and convos and I would make date arrangements. Everything was progressing smoothly and I didn't think I was coming off too strong, but in the back of my head I had a feeling that I didn't want to screw things up, so there was a bit of a anxiety of losing this catch for sure. It wasn't until our last weekend together when I think I messed up.

 

I had made plans to hiking for a Saturday a few days in advance, but didn't decide on a specific place just yet. We went out for dinner Friday night, and that's when I made the mistake to tell her the last minute hiking plans for the next day. This had also made it so that I had to self invite myself to stay over at her place because it would be closer to the hiking spot (I had stayed over two nights in a row the week before). It kind of caught her off guard and we did have an awkward moment during the conversation. For the rest of the night I became visibly flustered about it, but also with the fact that she had been talking about other guys that were crushing on her, in front of me during dinner. She noticed and called me a "baby" for it because I couldn't tell her what was on my mind at the time (I didn't want to come off as seemingly jealous).

 

Anyway the rest of Friday night and Saturday were fine and I left Sunday morning. I told her I had a good weekend with her and would like to see her again. I apologized for the short notice and told her that I'd let her know ahead of time in the future of any plans. At that time, I had a gut feeling that she wasn't feeling it anymore, because the following week or two after that, her texts became less and less engaging. It's been 2-3 weeks since then and I had recently just texted her asking what happened. That's when she admitted to pulling back because she's independent. I thanked her for her honesty. Now I can't help but think if what she said was to end things or leaving things open for more communication? I want to mention to her that I know it was probably because I came off too strong, but I don't think that's a good idea either.

[difficult_decisions]

In the past 6 months, I probably went on soo many first dates before finally finding my current SO. If it doesn't work out, then it was never meant to be. The worse you can do is to force a mutual connection/chemistry that isn't there. Also, never settle for less.

 

Good luck out there, OP.

 

That's good to know. I'm glad it worked out for you! And your username could not be more relevant to me right now

[Gaeta]

actually there could be a middle ground. I don't agree with Gaeta this time (sorry, Gaeta). Not everything is black and white. No one here has a crystal ball and it's not just a matter of continually throwing away people like some perfect one who will just get you exists. When you repeatedly have the same problem, as you said yourself, you feel like you might be part of the problem. Bingo. Not saying it to be mean. The things you are meaning to convey are getting either misconstrued or one thing is overshadowing everything else. It's a very common problem so don't feel bad. How do you get better at communicating within dating if you "take a break", retreat and then come back with the same patterns, hoping new people with new thought processes have magically appeared on the scene. Could it be possible that there are shades of grey? That you could adjust your approach and communication to get what you want and what works for other guys? Yes, of course!

 

If you are making it to 2 months with girls, clearly you are attractive. I don't just mean physically but in other senses as well. So it's not you; it's the message that you are putting out. Sounds like you get caught up in your excitement and impatient which comes off as pushing too hard, clingy or needing too much from the other person. This is a great opportunity to communicate better not throw in the towel or determine other person can't give you what you need or are not it because you are not seeing perfectly eye to eye. It's too hyperfocused on one person is intense and can scare people off. Don't be down on yourself. Look at constructive ways that you can do things differently. Post examples of past ones if you want or as you are starting off on your next one and we will help.

 

How about there is nothing wrong with him and he is just picking the wrong women? To find someone he needs to be himself. And who ever he is when he is himself, he will find someone compatible eventually.

 

If he attracts women, if they stick around for 4-5-6 dates than it's just a matter of finding a woman that will click with him.

 

I cannot have a relationship last more than 1 month. Nothing is wrong with me. I am well balanced in every facet of my life. I just suck at picking men. When I pick the right one he'll see what a wonderful girl I am. Just like OP when he picks one that is compatible and serious in getting to know him everything will unfold naturally.

[Versacehottie]

How about there is nothing wrong with him and he is just picking the wrong women? To find someone he needs to be himself. And who ever he is when he is himself, he will find someone compatible eventually.

 

If he attracts women, if they stick around for 4-5-6 dates than it's just a matter of finding a woman that will click with him.

 

I cannot have a relationship last more than 1 month. Nothing is wrong with me. I am well balanced in every facet of my life. I just suck at picking men. When I pick the right one he'll see what a wonderful girl I am. Just like OP when he picks one that is compatible and serious in getting to know him everything will unfold naturally.

 

Sure, it's everyone else. Shades of grey. I said that it's not necessarily him and that obviously he has no problem attracting them, like some other people. Why don't they stick around then? What is the commonality and common denominator? And why don't some of these flawed people that are interested stick around--under your theory at least a handful of them would have no reason to leave. He can stick his head in sand and keep having the same results. He can let it defeat him or he can do some self-introspection and let it propel him to what he wants, a relationship.

 

I agree that it IS a numbers game and some of the people he meets are probably just not a match. But if he's already pinpointed a problem potentially in himself and seen similarities (which are VERY common BTW) to other posters than wouldn't it be smart to explore that and perhaps change some things up---you cannot keep changing the "people" up and never consider for a moment that it is your approach or at least that's part of the problem. He should give himself EVERY advantage and knowing himself better and refining his actions and results is smart. I 100% agree that he should be himself with confidence. I'm going to look at his example again but a quick glance and i would say he was pussyfooting around and trying to be too perfect and it came off as timid, unsure, awkward. I wish I had my statistics vocabulary at the ready now. Basically he is getting great results to get in the door and 5-6 dates is really good from a numbers perspective. He obviously has the goods on paper and in person initially. It's something at the around 2 month mark that is tripping him up. That's when a lot of couples are considering exclusivity, getting very close (where staying the weekend is common), and also where one partner is often more keen than the other or at least it seems that way.

 

I think he's misunderstood. I believe there is someone for almost every single person. I never said there was anything "wrong" with him as to who he is. Like or not, people have patterns of behavior and it's reflected in the outcomes they get. Everyone should have to courage to delve into it if they are not getting the results they want. Sounds like he does.

[difficult_decisions]

Sure, it's everyone else. Shades of grey. I said that it's not necessarily him and that obviously he has no problem attracting them, like some other people. Why don't they stick around then? What is the commonality and common denominator? And why don't some of these flawed people that are interested stick around--under your theory at least a handful of them would have no reason to leave. He can stick his head in sand and keep having the same results. He can let it defeat him or he can do some self-introspection and let it propel him to what he wants, a relationship.

 

I agree that it IS a numbers game and some of the people he meets are probably just not a match. But if he's already pinpointed a problem potentially in himself and seen similarities (which are VERY common BTW) to other posters than wouldn't it be smart to explore that and perhaps change some things up---you cannot keep changing the "people" up and never consider for a moment that it is your approach or at least that's part of the problem. He should give himself EVERY advantage and knowing himself better and refining his actions and results is smart. I 100% agree that he should be himself with confidence. I'm going to look at his example again but a quick glance and i would say he was pussyfooting around and trying to be too perfect and it came off as timid, unsure, awkward. I wish I had my statistics vocabulary at the ready now. Basically he is getting great results to get in the door and 5-6 dates is really good from a numbers perspective. He obviously has the goods on paper and in person initially. It's something at the around 2 month mark that is tripping him up. That's when a lot of couples are considering exclusivity, getting very close (where staying the weekend is common), and also where one partner is often more keen than the other or at least it seems that way.

 

I think he's misunderstood. I believe there is someone for almost every single person. I never said there was anything "wrong" with him as to who he is. Like or not, people have patterns of behavior and it's reflected in the outcomes they get. Everyone should have to courage to delve into it if they are not getting the results they want. Sounds like he does.

 

The funny thing is, I've heard and researched up so many pieces of advice that I start to lose sight of how to act natural. I think I did pussyfoot a little. I was so much of a gentleman that I had to make sure every single move I made was perfect. I would think twice before saying something or making some kind of action solely based on what has failed in the past. For example, she had the habit of talking about guys she was texting when she was with me. Instead of speaking my mind and telling her that it was inappropriate, I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to come off as a controlling jealous BF when we're just casually dating.

 

It's one thing for me to self reflect on how I should come off as, but the truth is it's a lot harder to do in real time when situations are always different. Like, when is it okay to play hard to get? When is it okay to show vulnerability? Should you always play things cool? Or show a little bit of a soft side? All of these are traits that have it's benefits and flaws that are contingent on that particular circumstance. For me, it's been so confusing, which is why I tend to bottle up and act timid and non assertive because I don't know what the right reaction would be.

 

I'm totally overthinking these things now, but bottomline is that I feel like I show one sign of weakness and it's over for me. The interest that she had is lost because of one weekend. It's just so frustrating. If you actually liked someone, shouldn't you give them another chance? I know I would if I genuinely liked the person. Then again, I also need to work on my boundaries because I let a lot of **** fly with this girl.

[Strahatmak]

Sure, it's everyone else. Shades of grey. I said that it's not necessarily him and that obviously he has no problem attracting them, like some other people. Why don't they stick around then? What is the commonality and common denominator? And why don't some of these flawed people that are interested stick around--under your theory at least a handful of them would have no reason to leave. He can stick his head in sand and keep having the same results. He can let it defeat him or he can do some self-introspection and let it propel him to what he wants, a relationship.

 

I agree that it IS a numbers game and some of the people he meets are probably just not a match. But if he's already pinpointed a problem potentially in himself and seen similarities (which are VERY common BTW) to other posters than wouldn't it be smart to explore that and perhaps change some things up---you cannot keep changing the "people" up and never consider for a moment that it is your approach or at least that's part of the problem. He should give himself EVERY advantage and knowing himself better and refining his actions and results is smart. I 100% agree that he should be himself with confidence. I'm going to look at his example again but a quick glance and i would say he was pussyfooting around and trying to be too perfect and it came off as timid, unsure, awkward. I wish I had my statistics vocabulary at the ready now. Basically he is getting great results to get in the door and 5-6 dates is really good from a numbers perspective. He obviously has the goods on paper and in person initially. It's something at the around 2 month mark that is tripping him up. That's when a lot of couples are considering exclusivity, getting very close (where staying the weekend is common), and also where one partner is often more keen than the other or at least it seems that way.

 

I think he's misunderstood. I believe there is someone for almost every single person. I never said there was anything "wrong" with him as to who he is. Like or not, people have patterns of behavior and it's reflected in the outcomes they get. Everyone should have to courage to delve into it if they are not getting the results they want. Sounds like he does.

 

A date I had before was wonderful. He gave me just enough attentions, and he put good effort pursuing me that I could totally feel he was really into me and his sincerity. Everything went great until he was trying too hard to impress me... He wasn't sporty but he forced himself to play sports and to exercise. He was asking almost everyone the same field as mine keeping an eye on jobs for me - it passed the line without asking my permission first. He wasn't religious but he pretended to have interest in my religion - he admitted that he had zero interest later when I pull myself out from this dating.

 

I hope that inspired OP a bit. Putting in enough effort is a way to show your sincerity, but watch for the balance. Being too eager will definitly scare the hell out of some people. There are always girls looking for people to cling on, so there isn't always a black and white answer.

[Versacehottie]

The funny thing is, I've heard and researched up so many pieces of advice that I start to lose sight of how to act natural. I think I did pussyfoot a little. I was so much of a gentleman that I had to make sure every single move I made was perfect. I would think twice before saying something or making some kind of action solely based on what has failed in the past. For example, she had the habit of talking about guys she was texting when she was with me. Instead of speaking my mind and telling her that it was inappropriate, I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to come off as a controlling jealous BF when we're just casually dating.

 

It's one thing for me to self reflect on how I should come off as, but the truth is it's a lot harder to do in real time when situations are always different. Like, when is it okay to play hard to get? When is it okay to show vulnerability? Should you always play things cool? Or show a little bit of a soft side? All of these are traits that have it's benefits and flaws that are contingent on that particular circumstance. For me, it's been so confusing, which is why I tend to bottle up and act timid and non assertive because I don't know what the right reaction would be.

 

I'm totally overthinking these things now, but bottomline is that I feel like I show one sign of weakness and it's over for me. The interest that she had is lost because of one weekend. It's just so frustrating. If you actually liked someone, shouldn't you give them another chance? I know I would if I genuinely liked the person. Then again, I also need to work on my boundaries because I let a lot of **** fly with this girl.

 

I hear you. It can be overwhelming so much information and different ways to go about it especially when your emotions are involved. Ok, first of all you have done the perfect first step. Honestly, I think you have exactly pinpointed your problem. No one else could have said it better. So ok now we just have to work on the second part which I agree is where our emotions and logic are fighting a huge overthinking battle in our heads. Then you come on here to get advice and it's like your head's going to explode because it basically is post after post of the thoughts that run through your head. I'm not even saying, of course, that I have the right answer. I did (i think) just help someone who followed my advice (and probably used his own) because he posted on the friends/lovers board rather than dating so the opinions he was getting weren't as varied and he did seem pretty open-minded. Here is that thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/534983-odd-relationship-girl-not-sure-what-going

 

Ok, so like I said this is probably one of the most common dating problems. Generally I think it comes from being too nice, too flexible and willing to give before you get. None of those are bad things at all and you probably keep saying I want to be who I am, etc so then you don't want to be inflexible, jealous, controlling, etc. And nice is supposed to be a helpful thing in dating, right? The problem is just as you said it is that your boundaries (f*ck I hate that word) have to be firmly in place and your standards too. Those can't be flexible or the minute someone sees you bending they lose respect for you and don't see you as a equal or as compelling to date. And will take you for granted. It's a like a bad cycle of where you try to fix it but it just comes off as more doormat-y, clingy, insecure, unsure of yourself. And you can't be paralyzed by what happened in past, even if you think that's hidden, it's baggage. It happens to both girls and guys and if you look at many of the themes within the posts on the dating board, they are versions of this.

 

You don't have to be harsh or uptight about this stuff but you have to be set in your mind for the most part before you start your dating otherwise you learn by trial and error OR as you said it's is extremely difficult to do in a real time dating situation. You don't have to make it overly complicated or anything like that but you should be well aware of the framework in which you want to operate and then it you can be yourself and act naturally within the framework. The framework is not a game playing thing. It's really what you find acceptable; what your values are and learning to pace yourself appropriately. Like don't give too much when someone is giving you sh*t, ie talking about other guys in front of you. I'm guessing from what you said that in reality that's either a dealbreaker or would cause you to really, really back off of a girl that did that or doubt her enough that you would speak up about it. So using that example which is it of those three? Or is it something else altogether? Doesn't matter who the girl is or what your status or which pathway you think will help you get her? Know which is YOU and do that.

 

I think another problem is people who are like this tend to look at the end goal: the desire of a relationship or a girlfriend. Then everything else in flexible and they are the most diligent in trying to get that AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE, which loses them exactly what they want. I think you know this from your own assessment of yourself. I'm happy to help the next time you have a dating situation. One of the best things to do I think is also dating a few people at once so you don't get hyperfocused until a person has genuinely earned your interest. Things tend to level out when you can compare Date A with Date B with Date C. A lot of people don't want to do this because they have an idealized view of how relationships should go down. That's all fine and good but the people you are dating don't necessarily share the same idealized view. And if anything, people with bend-y standards need the multi-dating more than the others to bring things into perspective. They need to be operating as if they have choices because what their personality and behavior tends to give off is that they don't. So having real variety of choices is the best way to even things out on the spectrum. Anyway, my point is you CAN do this!!!

[Sweet Workaholic]

"Pacing" means that in well- suited couples, there is a natural rhythm to closeness and distance. When one feels the need for space, they both back off a little together. When one needs more intimacy, they both come together a bit. Ideally, this happens (most of the time) without having to say anything. The couple just learns together to match each others' needs.

 

People like to have the sense that they are still independent in a relationship, and that you are too.

 

It's been very helpful concept for me. If she doesn't text for 2 days, I wait 2 days to respond. I might make it 1.5 but roughly speaking, I match her pace.

 

Sometimes it means she's lost interest but often it just means she's trying to work out a pacing rhythm with you.

[difficult_decisions]

"Pacing" means that in well- suited couples, there is a natural rhythm to closeness and distance. When one feels the need for space, they both back off a little together. When one needs more intimacy, they both come together a bit. Ideally, this happens (most of the time) without having to say anything. The couple just learns together to match each others' needs.

 

People like to have the sense that they are still independent in a relationship, and that you are too.

 

It's been very helpful concept for me. If she doesn't text for 2 days, I wait 2 days to respond. I might make it 1.5 but roughly speaking, I match her pace.

 

Sometimes it means she's lost interest but often it just means she's trying to work out a pacing rhythm with you.

 

I understand this, but in my specific scenario, is there a good chance that she's lost interest? Based on her last text to me she admitted to pulling back, but said it was because of her independence. It could be that she's trying to tell me off, but it also seems open ended. Why can't she just be upfront and say she's lost interest? I replied, but haven't heard from her in 2 days. Should I say anything back or do her the favor of leaving her alone?

[Oregon_Dude]

You're like me. You care too much, and worry about being a good guy. So, you probably try too hard, which makes them wonder what's wrong with you, and assume you have few options.

 

I would recommend having more of a relaxed attitude towards dating.. if they are into you, great, if they're not, their loss. This comes from genuine self-esteem and knowledge of who you are and what you have to offer. At the same time, I truly think you just haven't found someone who is GF/long-term material yet.

 

You sound well-spoken, intelligent and considerate. So, try not to shoulder too much of the "blame" for these things not working out. Finding the "right" one is not easy. Keep at it; ease up; and don't get so discouraged. I know, much easier said than done

 

PS. If you feel them losing interest, let them. Stop reaching out. The more you push, the more they pull away. And you should have other things at the forefront of your life that make a relationship not so important.

[ZA Dater]

there are women out there that are compatible with you and you will eventually find one.

 

If we were in the same country I would call you out on this in the form of a bet.

 

 

This is patently untrue and there are millions of people walking this planet who prove it.

 

 

My advice to the opening posts is don't cut yourself up too much about it, you can think, rethink and think again but you never really find the answer because constructive critique is not something ladies do. For some off reason guys are just simply expected to know everything.

 

 

I am extremely jaded but if I were in your position I would take the positives

 

 

1: you are getting dates

2: you are getting repeat dates

3: you are meeting people you are attracted to and like

4: many of those same people are initially attracted to you.

 

 

For me those are all positives, overthinking is horrible, I do it in every facet of life but maybe just try to think less and be a bit more spontaneous as difficult as that is.

[difficult_decisions]

I hear you. It can be overwhelming so much information and different ways to go about it especially when your emotions are involved. Ok, first of all you have done the perfect first step. Honestly, I think you have exactly pinpointed your problem. No one else could have said it better. So ok now we just have to work on the second part which I agree is where our emotions and logic are fighting a huge overthinking battle in our heads. Then you come on here to get advice and it's like your head's going to explode because it basically is post after post of the thoughts that run through your head. I'm not even saying, of course, that I have the right answer. I did (i think) just help someone who followed my advice (and probably used his own) because he posted on the friends/lovers board rather than dating so the opinions he was getting weren't as varied and he did seem pretty open-minded. Here is that thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/534983-odd-relationship-girl-not-sure-what-going

 

Ok, so like I said this is probably one of the most common dating problems. Generally I think it comes from being too nice, too flexible and willing to give before you get. None of those are bad things at all and you probably keep saying I want to be who I am, etc so then you don't want to be inflexible, jealous, controlling, etc. And nice is supposed to be a helpful thing in dating, right? The problem is just as you said it is that your boundaries (f*ck I hate that word) have to be firmly in place and your standards too. Those can't be flexible or the minute someone sees you bending they lose respect for you and don't see you as a equal or as compelling to date. And will take you for granted. It's a like a bad cycle of where you try to fix it but it just comes off as more doormat-y, clingy, insecure, unsure of yourself. And you can't be paralyzed by what happened in past, even if you think that's hidden, it's baggage. It happens to both girls and guys and if you look at many of the themes within the posts on the dating board, they are versions of this.

 

You don't have to be harsh or uptight about this stuff but you have to be set in your mind for the most part before you start your dating otherwise you learn by trial and error OR as you said it's is extremely difficult to do in a real time dating situation. You don't have to make it overly complicated or anything like that but you should be well aware of the framework in which you want to operate and then it you can be yourself and act naturally within the framework. The framework is not a game playing thing. It's really what you find acceptable; what your values are and learning to pace yourself appropriately. Like don't give too much when someone is giving you sh*t, ie talking about other guys in front of you. I'm guessing from what you said that in reality that's either a dealbreaker or would cause you to really, really back off of a girl that did that or doubt her enough that you would speak up about it. So using that example which is it of those three? Or is it something else altogether? Doesn't matter who the girl is or what your status or which pathway you think will help you get her? Know which is YOU and do that.

 

I think another problem is people who are like this tend to look at the end goal: the desire of a relationship or a girlfriend. Then everything else in flexible and they are the most diligent in trying to get that AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE, which loses them exactly what they want. I think you know this from your own assessment of yourself. I'm happy to help the next time you have a dating situation. One of the best things to do I think is also dating a few people at once so you don't get hyperfocused until a person has genuinely earned your interest. Things tend to level out when you can compare Date A with Date B with Date C. A lot of people don't want to do this because they have an idealized view of how relationships should go down. That's all fine and good but the people you are dating don't necessarily share the same idealized view. And if anything, people with bend-y standards need the multi-dating more than the others to bring things into perspective. They need to be operating as if they have choices because what their personality and behavior tends to give off is that they don't. So having real variety of choices is the best way to even things out on the spectrum. Anyway, my point is you CAN do this!!!

 

You hit the mark there. I definitely feel like I give too much before I get, and I get taken for granted by that. I can say, by the 4th-5th date in with this girl, she had already started burping in front of me, which I felt was a sign of her being too comfortable and not caring. I believe setting up a "framework" is the best, but I'm still trying to figure out that framework. Is it like putting up a checklist, and if they have three strikes they're out? A lot of times I'm also a little afraid to do this because I'm worried they might lose interest. Example, instead of staying over for two nights, I should've left after the first and told her I didn't want to overstay my welcome, but I was afraid she might think I wasn't interested and next time not invite me over. It would've been like a missed opportunity.

 

To your last point, yes my end goal was a relationship. I was actually "banking" that this would be a good chance of becoming something more, which was why I tired to take things slow. Is it taboo to talk about what we want in the beginning? I think it would save a lot of heartache and time.

[Oregon_Dude]

by the 4th-5th date in with this girl, she had already started burping in front of me

That's f*cking disgusting. And low-class. I always tell them - don't be grosser than me.

 

Also, you said you were AFRAID she'd lose interest. That's your problem. Fear of things not working out. Women can smell it, and wonder why you should have to be afraid.

 

Once you've been through enough hard things in life, there's very little to fear. Maybe you just need more life beatdowns

[Versacehottie]

I understand this, but in my specific scenario, is there a good chance that she's lost interest? Based on her last text to me she admitted to pulling back, but said it was because of her independence. It could be that she's trying to tell me off, but it also seems open ended. Why can't she just be upfront and say she's lost interest? I replied, but haven't heard from her in 2 days. Should I say anything back or do her the favor of leaving her alone?

 

I think people with thinking such as yours has a tendency to give the other person all the power. As if the answer of whether the relationship is a go or a no, is all in their hands AND (this is the important one as it goes to pacing) AS IF they have figured out the outcome in whichever stage you are in. Point is because you have figured out that you'd like to see where this will go and are attached, it seems logical that they have a forgone conclusion in their head too. But they don't. They are figuring it out as they go. That's why it gets you flustered and impatient and more clingy and throw in the towel, jumping all over the board, because the concept of someone having a clear idea of where they want something to go is foreign to you. If she is still communicating with you, I'd say in general you're still in the game. Put your emotional part aside and try to logically go at things.

 

Simply: she is still communicating with you. You said it felt open-ended and I would believe that. Saying she is "independent" equates to I need more space than I think you do. Honestly when you described that weekend for the stage I think you are in it felt smother-y to me. So maybe she is reacting to that and wants to see if you can manage your expectations and find a happy medium. So above poster is EXACTLY right. You need to pace better and lower your expectations for the relationship as it stands now. Don't jump too far into the future, try to take it more day by day. And when someone starts a serious or relationship defining talk like she did, make sure you ask questions and speak up on what you think so that you hold your own in the relationship and because it's your right to know and so you know how to proceed. It's your chance to build and practice good communication with someone you care about and an investment into your future with her (and for yourself). Plus it usually bonds people closer together. Also important is to not take things so seriously or that a conclusion has been come to that you can't influence. You are in the relationship too.

 

So in the past how often did you text or talk a day or during the week? If it's been a couple of days and you usually text/talk several times a day, I would say it's time to contact. You don't want unnecessary weirdness to creep in. Basically what would have been ideal is when you were having that conversation about her independence, you should have ask what that looks like or means to her. And get what frequency of contact fits her. Of course, if you feel like there is no way you could do the frequency she says, speak up. See if a compromise can be reached. Anyway, you can make light of it now when you do contact her. Just make a little joke if that suits your personality, self-deprecating about you weren't quite sure if now was a good time to contact. Gosh i'm wording it awful but if you have sense of humor you should be able to come up with something along those lines. Don't do it if it's not you though. Basically, I'm saying acknowledge the disagreement and show her that you can control your emotions and are not overly serious or affected by her stating her needs.

 

So back to your original question about her being upfront and saying she lost interest, is because she hasn't decided yet. But she is giving you a warning or some guidance on what she needs. It is very possible her interest is fading. So here's where your standards come into play. Do you feel like she is being unfair about speaking up about her standards? My answer would be probably not. So that shouldn't throw you into a fear/anxiety pattern. If someone(anyone) IS losing interest, do you find that to be a dealbreaker? That's a personal choice and some people are 50/50 on it. I think if you or something you did is part of the likely cause but otherwise you like the person, I would, in this example, say no it's not a dealbreaker. What if someone want reduced contact of the level she is suggesting, say once a week rather than 3-4 days with extended periods? Well how do you see your life unfolding? Do you think it's reasonable to want that at this stage or can you agree that maybe it's soon for that but in future as things progress it is what you expect and want? Does she mean independence as in once night a week is what she means even if you are in a solid relationship and many more months into it? My opinion is that 2 months in 1-2 times a week is reasonable. Nice to do more if you are both feeling that pace is right for you. Lastly, when someone is asking you to give them space and needs the pace to be different, it is realistic to reassess the relationship on the whole? The other person who speaks up should know that if they assess and set limits, you are going to do the same. Ok, time for an assessment: what do you think about the talking about other guys in front of you? Is it reasonable? Do you find it disrespectful? Are your expectations too high? Does it make you question her character? Would you like to communicate with her or is it so egregious that you don't want to continue with her? My opinion on the other guys situation is that at 2 months in without an exclusivity arrangement, she is fine to be talking to and dating other guys. However, to bring it up to you and kinda taunt you with it is unreasonable and reflects poorly on her character. It's immature and attention-seeking; she should be worried that you won't see her in a good light or it should be a forewarning that she using jealousy to provoke people. It's bad manners and not cool. Do you have a right to be jealous of it? If it makes you jealous and you want exclusivity in general, you have a right to ask for it. I think she may decline at this point because of wanting a bit more space. She is letting you know that her pace (for whatever reason: dating other guys, other priorities and full life) is slower. Those are just my opinions but flesh out with your answers (at least in your head and/or here if you want).

 

About that weekend. One thing struck me that I didn't quite get. Why was she not part of the decision that hiking would be the plan for the following day. And even if she was, don't let logistics get in the way (ie a drive home) vs insisting on staying the night or imposing because it's more convenient. It felt really smothery and controlling to me. But maybe she was involved in some of those decisions. Anyway, it sounded like way too much togetherness, too soon. Gotta keep some distance and space so you can enjoy each other. So in other words, don't make plans based on logic, especially at beginning, but do so because of mutual desire to spend time together.

 

Whatever you do contact her next, do when you have a positive attitude and confidence and feeling good. Not before that. I can hear it in the tone right now of that last question that now is not yet the right time. Hope this helps.

Edited August 18, 2015 by Versacehottie

[Versacehottie]

You hit the mark there. I definitely feel like I give too much before I get, and I get taken for granted by that. I can say, by the 4th-5th date in with this girl, she had already started burping in front of me, which I felt was a sign of her being too comfortable and not caring. I believe setting up a "framework" is the best, but I'm still trying to figure out that framework. Is it like putting up a checklist, and if they have three strikes they're out? A lot of times I'm also a little afraid to do this because I'm worried they might lose interest. Example, instead of staying over for two nights, I should've left after the first and told her I didn't want to overstay my welcome, but I was afraid she might think I wasn't interested and next time not invite me over. It would've been like a missed opportunity.

 

To your last point, yes my end goal was a relationship. I was actually "banking" that this would be a good chance of becoming something more, which was why I tired to take things slow. Is it taboo to talk about what we want in the beginning? I think it would save a lot of heartache and time.

 

Yes, I hear you also about the framework. That and pacing that's all you need to work on. I swear you can turn things around for your dating fairly quickly. (not sure about this girl, she may be a lost cause). Funny that I picked up on the bad manners with talking about other guys in front of you BEFORE i heard about the burping. It's trashy, if you ask me and agree on the reasons why you didn't like that she did it. Too comfortable, not caring what YOU think. Not giving you the best of herself at a stage where this is still important to you and would be for most--she is acting on the forgone conclusion that you are going nowhere no matter what she does and it's insulting.

 

Going back to creating this framework for yourself. Honestly, how does this make you feel? I'm going to think of some guys I know with excellent gfs and high standards and somewhat big egos. They would be out of the door. No way. Especially in combination with other disrespectful and trashy things like talking about other guys. You cannot be afraid to be alone. The reason these guys would do that is because they are not worried that they will be alone for long. And they would rather be alone than saddled with this one. We can keep working on the framework. It's not like 3 strikes and you're out. It's like a pyramid maybe. There's the top with dealbreakers. Middle with things that cause you to assess the relationship. And then little things (like a burp) that aren't a dealbreaker maybe but if you added up several of them, it would not be acceptable. There's things you'd find worth communicating on and things you'd just walk on. You can figure all this out without having a gf or person you are dating. Especially, since you should not be wavering on these when faced with them in a relationship. Let's say a girl was amazing met all your needs, treated you well etc etc. but she burped in private with you. Probably not even an issue at all, right?

 

Pacing and confidence that you can easily convey don't have you worrying about missed opportunities as much as you have been. Just remember this as Oregon dude who gave excellent advice BTW said when someone is pulling back if you get closer, clinger they will run away. Plus think of yourself as someone with other priorities and a life of his own. Don't jump to the end, wanting a relationship with someone when you don't know them yet. And even when you do, that you will be together. Assess the person and how they fit into your life. You will not be letting bad behavior come into play. They can sense when you are all in which is why the pacing is essential!!! It shows that you are as in and only as in as they are and it's dependent on how things go, which keeps a person treating you as valuable. And bingo good relationship where both are mutually satisfied.

 

Hmmm, I have mixed feelings on setting the parameters by saying something upfront. That's because I find guys who do that a little too jarring for my personality and there's a job interview, sterile quality to it. It signifies impatience to me and a lot of people it will be "too much" for. That said, I know plenty of girls who would probably LOVE to hear this upfront although I don't believe that it will really make things easier. I DO think it should be implied by the things you discuss etc. People will disagree with me and I suppose it can be done in quite a fun and elegant way. I don't think it would alleviate heartbreak as much as you think though. What I'm trying to say is you are trying to come up with a solution (3 strikes, announcing intentions upfront) that will solve your problem. It's both more simple and harder than that. If you state intentions upfront but still do not operate with standards, you are going to have the same problems. It's just a bandaid, see? The harder but easier part is knowing your standards and just operating with them in every relationship. They are true to you and who you are. That's why people without firm standards are not as compelling but it conveys that you are not entirely comfortable or know who you are. You adjust to get what you want. It's kinda like you need to tell yourself (i don't feel afraid saying this to you because you sound like a good guy who will not take it too far): f*ck it, they can take me or leave me. Think about it? That's what she did with the burping and you're still trying to figure out how to go on the next date with her! Does this make sense?

[difficult_decisions]

I think people with thinking such as yours has a tendency to give the other person all the power. As if the answer of whether the relationship is a go or a no, is all in their hands AND (this is the important one as it goes to pacing) AS IF they have figured out the outcome in whichever stage you are in. Point is because you have figured out that you'd like to see where this will go and are attached, it seems logical that they have a forgone conclusion in their head too. But they don't. They are figuring it out as they go. That's why it gets you flustered and impatient and more clingy and throw in the towel, jumping all over the board, because the concept of someone having a clear idea of where they want something to go is foreign to you. If she is still communicating with you, I'd say in general you're still in the game. Put your emotional part aside and try to logically go at things.

 

Simply: she is still communicating with you. You said it felt open-ended and I would believe that. Saying she is "independent" equates to I need more space than I think you do. Honestly when you described that weekend for the stage I think you are in it felt smother-y to me. So maybe she is reacting to that and wants to see if you can manage your expectations and find a happy medium. So above poster is EXACTLY right. You need to pace better and lower your expectations for the relationship as it stands now. Don't jump too far into the future, try to take it more day by day. And when someone starts a serious or relationship defining talk like she did, make sure you ask questions and speak up on what you think so that you hold your own in the relationship and because it's your right to know and so you know how to proceed. It's your chance to build and practice good communication with someone you care about and an investment into your future with her (and for yourself). Plus it usually bonds people closer together. Also important is to not take things so seriously or that a conclusion has been come to that you can't influence. You are in the relationship too.

 

So in the past how often did you text or talk a day or during the week? If it's been a couple of days and you usually text/talk several times a day, I would say it's time to contact. You don't want unnecessary weirdness to creep in. Basically what would have been ideal is when you were having that conversation about her independence, you should have ask what that looks like or means to her. And get what frequency of contact fits her. Of course, if you feel like there is no way you could do the frequency she says, speak up. See if a compromise can be reached. Anyway, you can make light of it now when you do contact her. Just make a little joke if that suits your personality, self-deprecating about you weren't quite sure if now was a good time to contact. Gosh i'm wording it awful but if you have sense of humor you should be able to come up with something along those lines. Don't do it if it's not you though. Basically, I'm saying acknowledge the disagreement and show her that you can control your emotions and are not overly serious or affected by her stating her needs.

 

So back to your original question about her being upfront and saying she lost interest, is because she hasn't decided yet. But she is giving you a warning or some guidance on what she needs. It is very possible her interest is fading. So here's where your standards come into play. Do you feel like she is being unfair about speaking up about her standards? My answer would be probably not. So that shouldn't throw you into a fear/anxiety pattern. If someone(anyone) IS losing interest, do you find that to be a dealbreaker? That's a personal choice and some people are 50/50 on it. I think if you or something you did is part of the likely cause but otherwise you like the person, I would, in this example, say no it's not a dealbreaker. What if someone want reduced contact of the level she is suggesting, say once a week rather than 3-4 days with extended periods? Well how do you see your life unfolding? Do you think it's reasonable to want that at this stage or can you agree that maybe it's soon for that but in future as things progress it is what you expect and want? Does she mean independence as in once night a week is what she means even if you are in a solid relationship and many more months into it? My opinion is that 2 months in 1-2 times a week is reasonable. Nice to do more if you are both feeling that pace is right for you. Lastly, when someone is asking you to give them space and needs the pace to be different, it is realistic to reassess the relationship on the whole? The other person who speaks up should know that if they assess and set limits, you are going to do the same. Ok, time for an assessment: what do you think about the talking about other guys in front of you? Is it reasonable? Do you find it disrespectful? Are your expectations too high? Does it make you question her character? Would you like to communicate with her or is it so egregious that you don't want to continue with her? My opinion on the other guys situation is that at 2 months in without an exclusivity arrangement, she is fine to be talking to and dating other guys. However, to bring it up to you and kinda taunt you with it is unreasonable and reflects poorly on her character. It's immature and attention-seeking; she should be worried that you won't see her in a good light or it should be a forewarning that she using jealousy to provoke people. It's bad manners and not cool. Do you have a right to be jealous of it? If it makes you jealous and you want exclusivity in general, you have a right to ask for it. I think she may decline at this point because of wanting a bit more space. She is letting you know that her pace (for whatever reason: dating other guys, other priorities and full life) is slower. Those are just my opinions but flesh out with your answers (at least in your head and/or here if you want).

 

About that weekend. One thing struck me that I didn't quite get. Why was she not part of the decision that hiking would be the plan for the following day. And even if she was, don't let logistics get in the way (ie a drive home) vs insisting on staying the night or imposing because it's more convenient. It felt really smothery and controlling to me. But maybe she was involved in some of those decisions. Anyway, it sounded like way too much togetherness, too soon. Gotta keep some distance and space so you can enjoy each other. So in other words, don't make plans based on logic, especially at beginning, but do so because of mutual desire to spend time together.

 

Whatever you do contact her next, do when you have a positive attitude and confidence and feeling good. Not before that. I can hear it in the tone right now of that last question that now is not yet the right time. Hope this helps.

 

I wish I had the ability to private message you. Your advice is so in depth and really explains everything that I've been going through accurately. Thank you for that.

 

A lot of what you're saying makes it sound like there's some kind of hope to this still. To give more of a background, the weeks following that one weekend, a lot of her texts started to get non engaging. We use to text everyday for a good amount like 10 minute replies. Then it turned into 2-3 days now. Originally, I played it cool, trying to talk to her, but she would never reciprocate or answer questions like she use to. I asked her if she was still down to grab drinks one night and she said sure, but didn't answer when I asked when she was free. So I tried again the next day and asked if the weekend would work. She replied that she was busy. That's when I brought it up that I didn't want to drag things out any longer. I told her I noticed she started to distance herself and wanted to know if she was comfortable talking about it. Told her I enjoyed spending time with her and want to see where things go if she's still up for it. She replied a day later with her response:

 

"Sorry It's been a busy few days. I enjoy hanging out with you too, but I do admit I pulled back a little . I am a very independent person and it's hard for me to adjust if that makes sense".

 

I replied to that saying I understand, thank you for your honesty and we need to be a little more open, but still haven't heard from her since. So it was already apparent that communication became less and less, and I don't know if her last reply about her independence was to just nicely put me down to stop contacting her, or if there's still something there. I'm not sure if I should text again, seeing that I already texted her, and I should've asked her what her independence looked like to her. Would you think it's a good idea to text her again? Maybe I should say something light like "Sure seems like a lot of independence to me, if this was what you're thinking". I know if I did this, she might think "This guy just can't get the message". I'm not quite she if she would even be interested in talking more in depth about the specifics of the pacing, when we should talk and how often. I just don't know how to proceed here. I want to salvage what I can here, but in doing so, I might push her even further away.

 

To answer your question about the weekend. She told me she was the type of person that liked to have plans beforehand and follow through on them, this meant that all of the dates I had to plan out and tell her when and where. Not once did she suggest something or offer any input. She would just agree to it and not say that she was busy. So it was just obvious to me when she said she was busy this past weekend, but still wanted to grab drinks.

[RoseVille]

I understand this, but in my specific scenario, is there a good chance that she's lost interest? Based on her last text to me she admitted to pulling back, but said it was because of her independence. It could be that she's trying to tell me off, but it also seems open ended. Why can't she just be upfront and say she's lost interest? I replied, but haven't heard from her in 2 days. Should I say anything back or do her the favor of leaving her alone?

 

I'm a verrrrrry independent woman and I run away from clingy men suuuuuper fast.

 

You're a unique breed. To me, I think where you're struggling is that you're not necessarily clingy, but presumptuous, especially with an independent woman who's told you she had to pull back because she's independent. She likely felt like she was losing control of her own relationship choices, you were just making decisions for her - like inviting yourself over last minute to her house to stay there so you could be closer to your hiking spot. That's very presumptuous. It assumes a level of casualness and security and assumption that's reserved for more serious or long term relationships. I wouldn't even make that assumption with my brother, and I sure wouldn't do it with a guy I was just dating. I might do it with a long-term BF, like someone where we already had keys to each other's placss and practically lived together anyway.

 

So in her pulling back, she's really just asserting boundaries. "Not there yet, buddy," kind of thing.

[difficult_decisions]

I'm a verrrrrry independent woman and I run away from clingy men suuuuuper fast.

 

You're a unique breed. To me, I think where you're struggling is that you're not necessarily clingy, but presumptuous, especially with an independent woman who's told you she had to pull back because she's independent. She likely felt like she was losing control of her own relationship choices, you were just making decisions for her - like inviting yourself over last minute to her house to stay there so you could be closer to your hiking spot. That's very presumptuous. It assumes a level of casualness and security and assumption that's reserved for more serious or long term relationships. I wouldn't even make that assumption with my brother, and I sure wouldn't do it with a guy I was just dating. I might do it with a long-term BF, like someone where we already had keys to each other's placss and practically lived together anyway.

 

So in her pulling back, she's really just asserting boundaries. "Not there yet, buddy," kind of thing.

 

I was just being stupid and not sure what went through my mind when I thought about doing that. The weekend before, she had invited me over once, but because of a circumstance where I left something at her place, she offered to have me stay over again for the second night because it was closer to work for me. So for some reason I felt like, it was okay to do it again. Dumb on my part, which was why I acknowledged what I did and apologized to her the next day. I'm not so much clingly, presumptuous, possibly, but moreso down on myself for doing one mistake, where I could've clearly avoided, so I wouldn't be in the predicament. I basically feel like I ruined something that was going well.

[Versacehottie]

I'm a verrrrrry independent woman and I run away from clingy men suuuuuper fast.

 

You're a unique breed. To me, I think where you're struggling is that you're not necessarily clingy, but presumptuous, especially with an independent woman who's told you she had to pull back because she's independent. She likely felt like she was losing control of her own relationship choices, you were just making decisions for her - like inviting yourself over last minute to her house to stay there so you could be closer to your hiking spot. That's very presumptuous. It assumes a level of casualness and security and assumption that's reserved for more serious or long term relationships. I wouldn't even make that assumption with my brother, and I sure wouldn't do it with a guy I was just dating. I might do it with a long-term BF, like someone where we already had keys to each other's placss and practically lived together anyway.

 

So in her pulling back, she's really just asserting boundaries. "Not there yet, buddy," kind of thing.

 

Yeah, I agree with RoseVille. This would have been my take on the weekend too. RoseVille worded what I was trying to say way better. I think OP is a good guy; he's just figuring some stuff out still. I don't think he necessarily wants to be overly clingy. I think he above and beyond wants the relationships to work out which leads to some misjudgements.

[Versacehottie]

I wish I had the ability to private message you. Your advice is so in depth and really explains everything that I've been going through accurately. Thank you for that.

 

A lot of what you're saying makes it sound like there's some kind of hope to this still. To give more of a background, the weeks following that one weekend, a lot of her texts started to get non engaging. We use to text everyday for a good amount like 10 minute replies. Then it turned into 2-3 days now. Originally, I played it cool, trying to talk to her, but she would never reciprocate or answer questions like she use to. I asked her if she was still down to grab drinks one night and she said sure, but didn't answer when I asked when she was free. So I tried again the next day and asked if the weekend would work. She replied that she was busy. That's when I brought it up that I didn't want to drag things out any longer. I told her I noticed she started to distance herself and wanted to know if she was comfortable talking about it. Told her I enjoyed spending time with her and want to see where things go if she's still up for it. She replied a day later with her response:

 

"Sorry It's been a busy few days. I enjoy hanging out with you too, but I do admit I pulled back a little . I am a very independent person and it's hard for me to adjust if that makes sense".

 

I replied to that saying I understand, thank you for your honesty and we need to be a little more open, but still haven't heard from her since. So it was already apparent that communication became less and less, and I don't know if her last reply about her independence was to just nicely put me down to stop contacting her, or if there's still something there. I'm not sure if I should text again, seeing that I already texted her, and I should've asked her what her independence looked like to her. Would you think it's a good idea to text her again? Maybe I should say something light like "Sure seems like a lot of independence to me, if this was what you're thinking". I know if I did this, she might think "This guy just can't get the message". I'm not quite she if she would even be interested in talking more in depth about the specifics of the pacing, when we should talk and how often. I just don't know how to proceed here. I want to salvage what I can here, but in doing so, I might push her even further away.

 

To answer your question about the weekend. She told me she was the type of person that liked to have plans beforehand and follow through on them, this meant that all of the dates I had to plan out and tell her when and where. Not once did she suggest something or offer any input. She would just agree to it and not say that she was busy. So it was just obvious to me when she said she was busy this past weekend, but still wanted to grab drinks.

 

Oh, ok I will reply to this in a little bit. This is a lot more information which will help us figure it out a little better. Yeah, I guess you probably need a certain number of posts before you can private message. No worries, I'll see it here.