My ex started dating someone new while we were together...should I tell her about me?

[violetkitty4]

Hi. My ex started to date a new girl while we were still dating, and I found out about it. He even called me a week after we broke up and told me he still wanted to hang out, and be friends, before telling me that only a week after we broke up they are already in a relationship

 

. I asked him and he said that she knows nothing about me or the fact that we were still together when they started dating. I feel like if I was in her shoes I would want to know, but I don't want to appear as a crazy ex girlfriend. She is posting a lot of lovely dovey things and seems very happy and I don't want to hurt her, I just feel really bad that she doesn't know.

 

I wrote a letter and made sure it was very polite, kind, and respectful, but I haven't sent it yet. Should I send it to her or should I just leave it alone? I hate the fact that he is getting away with this but part of me wants to just let her find out on her own, but he has hidden me pretty well. He also hid her from me, even after we broke up, so what should I do?

Edited August 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and moved to GRD

[jen1447]

Judgment call, but be aware that she may react angrily against you and not believe you and choose to lash out rather than consider the possibility. If the ex was dating her before you broke up, he probably laid some good groundwork for establishing phony timelines and discrediting you as a preventative measure.

[Grapesofwrath]

Leave it alone. It compromises your dignity to get involved in their relationship now. He is demonstrating who he is, even if she doesn't know the full story yet. Their story will tell itself. In a couple months, you'll be over it.

[Starbright78]

I'd leave it alone. She will figure it out on her own if he is no good.

[Rorocher]

I know it's tempting and that you are probably hurting but I'd leave it alone. He is your EX. Let him go live his life as he sees fit. And if you really want to do something nice for a fellow human being, as you claim you want to do, go volunteer at a homeless shelter or whatever.

 

 

Walk away from this one with your dignity.

[trolloperative]

I just skimmed through your other thread. Just in case you're thinking that she will leave him after she gets your letter, it may actually bring them closer. I've seen cheaters make their exes out to be the psycho and in turn rthey become more desirable to the GF.

 

Let it go and move on.

[stillafool]

Believe it or not most people do have someone else they are involved with before they break up with their bf/gf. I would just leave them alone as she knows he has dated others before her. I also think you should stop looking at the lovey dovey things she is posting online. That just keeps them on your mind and prevents you from moving on. Good luck.

[SycamoreCircle]

Yeah, let it go. You'll come out the loser. And your real intention is not to spare her, but hurt him. The person who cares the least has the most power, so when he decides to lash back at you, it will hurt even more.

[craw]

Why are you still communicating with him?

[lemondrop21]

I'm torn about this one. I was once that girl. Started dating a guy who I thought was the moon and stars, and fell hard and fast. The relationship ended five months later, by him, suddenly and without explanation. When I chased him to get an explanation, he told me he was depressed and suicidal, then threatened to block my number, get a restraining order etc. if I ever contacted him again (at this point I was in a state of panic that he might actually kill himself). A month later, I reached out to the girl I knew he was dating before me. Turns out he had been "overlapping"/cheating on her for a month at the beginning of our relationship. She had thought about telling me, but thought I wouldn't believe her or listen. She might have been right, but I do wish she had tried to let me know.

 

The fact that he was basically a pathological liar (or whatever the term is) became crystal clear to me then. The lying had come up at times during our relationship, but I chose to be blind to it. And I found out that he followed the same pattern with every girl he dated, one after the next, convincing her that she is the one, future-faking, only to find a new one and drop the previous one after about six months.

 

I went through significant depression for almost a year after all of that, because I felt I had never known this man.

 

So my opinion in your situation is this: I would consider telling her, if you think he has MAJOR issues and that she is inevitably going to get betrayed and heartbroken in this relationship anyway. I agree with the other posters that she may not believe you, but that is her choice. She will eventually believe you when he drops her, and may even seek you out.

 

BUT, as painful as this is for you to think about - if you think he is a generally decent human being who made a terrible mistake (I know, I know, it's almost impossible to consider him decent at this point); and most significantly, if you are motivated to hurt him and get revenge; DON'T tell her. Just let it be. Don't waste one more second thinking about him, or them. Go spend time finding yourself a better man.

Edited August 18, 2015 by lemondrop21

[spiderowl]

Believe it or not most people do have someone else they are involved with before they break up with their bf/gf. I would just leave them alone as she knows he has dated others before her. I also think you should stop looking at the lovey dovey things she is posting online. That just keeps them on your mind and prevents you from moving on. Good luck.

 

This is true of some relationships. One could question the character of people who pass seamlessly from one relationship to another by getting involved with both at the same time. However, there is no doubt that is the way some operate. With others, meeting the new person is the catalyst that makes them aware their current relationship is not right for them. I suspect that can happen to the best of us occasionally.

 

Who knows which category your ex was in. I can see the temptation to tell her but, as others have mentioned, she might not welcome it. It's up to you though. Some women would find it flattering that he left someone for her. They may well find out later that there is nothing flattering about it.

 

If you wished, you could make your best friends aware of the situation and let the word carry on the grapevine ...

[d0nnivain]

While you claim your motives are pure -- to inform her, rather than to cause trouble for him -- you doing anything paints you at the psycho EX GF desperately trying to hang on to the guy who dumped her. I'm not saying you are that. I am saying that is how you will look to the outsiders. Don't do it.

[Popsicle]

I vote leave it alone. It was 2 weeks, not 2 years, and he did end it with you. You should also stop talking to him, as to not enable him to be a cheater.

[RedRobin]

Meh, I'd reach out. If he's a cheater, I wouldn't give a crap what he thought about me.

 

 

I'd word it something like... "just thought you'd like to know that he was still seeing me when he was dating you. If he'd do it to me, he'll do it to you. Good luck." Then make sure you go total NC with him.

 

 

She may not believe it at the time, but if he tries to pull that BS again, it will be just a little bit tougher. I'm all for cheaters and liars getting exposed. There has to be consequences somewhere. The social network is the best way.

 

 

That way, if she continues with him, she has no one to blame but herself. At least she can't say she wasn't warned. I'm not one of those who harbors or believes in monkey branchers.

Edited August 19, 2015 by RedRobin

[readynow]

Uh please, just leave him alone and move on. You should have gone NC already anyway.