Author StarFly886 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 What do you mean "pay for myself?" We LIVED together! He wasn't supporting me. Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 We haven't had contact for 4 months How long is it going to be like this? a long a$$ time but you WILL be stronger for it. so cheers to that! just allow yourself to float through the emotions, and when they get too heavy, do something to comfort yourself, like come on here, talk with friends/family, go for a walk, read, write, take a hot shower/bath, surf the internet, listen to music, do yoga, meditate... ANYTHING but contact your ex, even when the urge strikes. just tell yourself you WILL be okay. you WILL. i promise. Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 I think he was out of the relationship way before you were, op. This man feels nothing but contempt for you. You do not want someone like this in your life unless you want to get hurt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StarFly886 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 WomenWubber, I'm curious.....contempt? That's pretty strong word...what led you to that? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 We haven't had contact for 4 months How long is it going to be like this? However long it takes for you to let go. I really don't think he's coming back, girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 We haven't had contact for 4 months How long is it going to be like this? Forever. He isn't coming back. You earn good money...why were you pleading poverty. You can support yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StarFly886 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 Amelie, I never "pleaded poverty," what on earth are you talking about? Link to post Share on other sites
Learningtowalkagain Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 That's not exactly fair learningtowalk. He had money, and I didn't and for a very long time he didn't mind paying the expenses and then he decided to pull a "change up" last year. Who does that? He got tired of supporting you and didn't feel you appreciated him. Turning minor issues into big ones...no guy wants to deal with that. "Who does that?" He's not your husband or your father he's allowed to do what ever he wants and spend his money how he pleases. You have a poor sense of entitlement. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
StrangerThanFiction Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 I'm sorry but I don't think he's coming back. Not only did YOU dump HIM, but you then pulled crazy on him afterwards by pretty much stalking him and showing up to his house and then begging and pleading for him back. Your actions have obviously made him run as fast as possible in the opposite direction as evidenced by him blocking you on everything and also telling you he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Cut your losses and regain your dignity by letting him go and moving on with your own life because he apparently has already. Also, as some of the above posters have stated, as far as your finances go you're making a pretty decent living and even if he does make more than you it's not his job to support you when you can do so just fine yourself. You also mentioned something that I found slightly hypocritical. You said that you would get upset when he didn't take you out or buy things for you but then went on to say that you couldn't rationalize spending money on buying him a gift or anything when you have your own stuff to pay for. Sounds a wee bit entitled and selfish when you put them side by side don't you think? I'm not trying to be harsh but it just seems you might be seeing yourself as a bit more of a victim in this than you might realistically be. I'm sorry you're hurting but you'll stop hurting a lot quicker if you accept that it's over and move on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 OP- It sounds like you're suffering some serious dumpers remorse here. It's natural to feel this way. I'm glad you are NC now and you need to stay that way so YOU can heal and move on because there's no way he's going back to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StarFly886 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 Wait a minute, I think some of you have the wrong idea about finances with my ex. First off, I never asked him to take on all he was doing, he VOLUNTEERED! No one forced him to pay for everything, he wanted to, called it doing his "gentleman duties." Secondly, the apartment we used to share was in a very high end place; some place I'd never be able to afford by myself so he knew moving in he'd have to foot most of the bill. It's not like I was hoarding my money away; most of it went to my debts (cause my debts were my debts not our debts) and he didn't mind spending what he was until late last year which I felt was so unfair. Why after 5+ years it became a problem when it wasn't before? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StarFly886 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 aloneinaz, you're right. I DEEPLY regret breaking up in the first place. Obviously, this was not the outcome I was expecting since we'd never parted in the 6 years we were together and had I had a clue of any of this, I would have taken a different path. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PinkElephants Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Started looking up people and everything, but a week later he decides we're not worth saving anymore? It makes no sense. It actually does. Your boyfriend has the broken glass mentality towards your relationship. Sometimes it's better to walk away than to cut yourself trying to put it back together. By leaving you he's also leaving financial obligation, fighting, and stress. You guys sound young so he has plenty of time to cut the anchor and start over in a healthier relationship with someone else. The bright side is that you have that same opportunity. Since he won't agree to couples counseling maybe you should go by yourself. You admit to having poor communication skills and a bad example of what a relationship should be. Your passive-aggressive behavior is also very damaging and something that emotionally healthy men won't want any part of. I also have to agree with your ex that you sound self-centered. Having sex with another girl has nothing to do with you; he's moving on. Dating her has nothing to do with getting back at you; he's moving on. None of it is about you. Continuing to contact a person who doesn't want you is trying to force things to be all about you and refusing to consider his wants and needs. Some therapy might help you work out some of the destructive tendencies you have so future relationships will be better. As far as getting him back, it's not going to happen. I was previously in a relationship with a person that was emotionally exhausting. Like you, he couldn't communicate, was passive-aggressive, he was needy and childish and required far too much work. All I felt when I left him was relief which is probably what your ex is feeling. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StarFly886 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 But how can someone move on so quickly after 6+ years? We were each others' first and onlys 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PinkElephants Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 The thing about regret is that it's also an acceptance of responsibility. It's a response to something you did which means you have some control and can fix the problem to regain what you want. Unfortunately, you regret the wrong thing. You don't seem to regret the passive attacks, the fighting, the inability to communicate, the lack of appreciation, not putting in effort elsewhere if he felt you weren't contributing to the household enough. You don't regret borderline stalking him or trying to butt into his fledgling relationship or disregarding his feelings. No, you regret ENDING the toxicity. The break up was probably the best thing you did. As far as a different path, take one now. Figure out why you can't communicate like a mature woman. Learn to solve problems directly instead of unleashing your anger on his laundry. All bad things that happen have a gift in them if you're aware enough to find it. Maybe yours is getting yourself together so you can have the stable relationship you crave with the next guy. Maybe it's learning to up your standards in a guy. Maybe it's establishing a firmer financial footing so your future man doesn't feel saddled and resentful. You won't know til you try. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 He said this meeting was a “drastic measure” since I was being a “psycho spying through his window” (I had no idea he saw me) and that we had to talk in person since ignoring me wasn’t working. He finally admitted he hooked up with her to my face (since I was SO pressed to know, his workds) and said I’m childish into thinking that was to get back at me (yeah right) and that I’m too self-centered. He said he's tired of wasting time expecting me to behave like an adult as opposed to a middle schooler in terms of our relationship.I think he might have been right about this, the bolded part in particular. 1) He may not have wanted to broadcast this new relationship out of respect for your feelings. But apparently, when people came and asked him if he was hooking up, he got the idea you were behind it. I have to think that idea came from his experience with you. 2) It is childish of you to assume that he's sleeping with someone to get back at you. That is very self-centered. Let me propose a couple of alternative reasons: a) he likes her b) to let you know it's over, not to punish you somehow, but to serve final notice I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like he was sick of you, and he didn't like a bunch of little things about you. Unlike you, he meant it, and when you dumped him, you freed him, and it didn't take long for him to figure it out. 6 months or 6 years, when they're gone, they're gone, and it doesn't matter what they felt yesterday 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 But how can someone move on so quickly after 6+ years? We were each others' first and onlys How and why don't matter. He's moved on, and so should you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StarFly886 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 Okay, if he really didn't sleep with her to get back at me why tell me during our last encounter that he did (KNOWING how hurt I felt)? Why even bother addressing it all unless to get me? But somehow I'm the childish one..... Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Okay, if he really didn't sleep with her to get back at me why tell me during our last encounter that he did (KNOWING how hurt I felt)? Why even bother addressing it all unless to get me? But somehow I'm the childish one..... Star- Listen, somehow it's simply not registering with you what EVERYONE is saying. You actually sound incredulous that he wants nothing to do with you. Asking "how could he hook up with her after a week"? "Why would he tell me he slept with her"? I'm not trying to be mean either but.. you sound very self absorbed, spoiled and entitled. PLEASE re-read your original post on this thread and then your answers and be honest. Do you really think you're not coming across this way? People are being kind by giving honest feedback and they are all saying the same thing. You're not liking what you're hearing so you're now becoming argumentative. When you dumped him, he told you he never wanted to talk to you again. You disrespected his wishes time and again and even went to his house. You're still stalking his social media, what 6 months later? He's NEVER contacted you and only told you to leave him alone and move on. You're now posting on this forum "how can I get him back"? Really?!?! Quite frankly, I'm getting a bit concerned that if you contact him again, he'll get a restraining order. I would if I was him. You need to accept in your head that he wants absolutely nothing to do with you anymore. He owes you NOTHING. Just because you spent 6.5 years with him doesn't mean your entitled to ANYTHING. He moved on from you the day you dumped him. It's been 6 months now since you both ended and clearly, you need to learn to do the same. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Okay, if he really didn't sleep with her to get back at me why tell me during our last encounter that he did (KNOWING how hurt I felt)? Why even bother addressing it all unless to get me? But somehow I'm the childish one..... Last point here. If you'd LEFT HIM ALONE, like he asked, this entire conversation would of never taken place.. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Why? Because you showed up at his door, were apparently looking through the window, and then left. He's not a mind-reader. He didn't know you were upset, he probably thought you were a crazy stalker looking for info. He didn't do this to make you feel bad. He told you this so you'd get it through your stalker-brain that you guys are done.... not to punish you, but to communicate as clearly to you as possible. He told you to push you away, because clearly ignoring you isn't doing the job. If you keep pushing him, I'm sure he'll say a lot worse. You see, you're thinking about it as if he does things to elicit a reaction from you... as if you're on his mind, and he's scheming about how he can make you feel bad. You're not, and he isn't, but you think it is all about you. The truth is that from his perspective, it's all about him now. You've got nothing to do with it, and he's trying to get you to see that. Apparently, it's not working. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PinkElephants Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Okay, if he really didn't sleep with her to get back at me why tell me during our last encounter that he did (KNOWING how hurt I felt)? Why even bother addressing it all unless to get me? But somehow I'm the childish one..... Because you forced him to meet and he wants you to know he's D-O-N-E with you. He's having sex with someone else. He's dating her. He's putting in effort with her. He's invested in her happiness and well-being. None of this has anything to do with you and I'm confused as to how you've twisted it around to be about you. All he's doing is moving on. Your feelings aren't his responsibility. He's not required to protect you from the truth or lie to make you feel better. You ASKED him if he slept with her, he answered honestly and you didn't like the answer. Was he supposed to lie because he knew you felt hurt? Was he supposed to go back in time and not sleep with her so you wouldn't be hurt? It's not about you. He moved on, he answered your question, you're not a part of his life, accept it and stop asking questions you don't want the answer to, especially questions you're not entitled to know the answer to. As for how he moved on so quickly, he probably felt massively relieved to not have to deal with your self-centered behavior and drama. People are happy when they're relieved. He also has the opportunity to experience sex, intimacy and happiness with someone who's stable and fun for a change. Why wouldn't he move on? We get it, you're hurt; feel it and work through it but stop clinging to scraps you're fabricating in your head and stop analyzing him. Why he does what he does isn't your business and it doesn't matter. He's moved on. Continuing to try to figure him out only serves to maintain your one sided bond that he clearly wants severed. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StarFly886 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 What you're telling me to do is not easy; he wasn't just a boyfriend but my very best friend. We've known each other since grade school, and were the best of friends; grew up down the street from each (our parents still live within the same block) and dated right out of high school. I could count on one hand how many days we'd not have contact on one hand before this breakup since the age of 8 and I'm 24 now. I'm not going to pretend I was perfect and he was the evil ex, but in literally days he went from doing anything he could to save our relationship to not giving a single **** and ****ing some one he had just met. That makes literally no sense. None! I lost such a big part of my life over a series of BS fights and just can't walk away. This guy was my life! Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 After 6.5 years together it sounds like the things you two did for each other that were initially appreciated and one another were grateful for became expected and just "the norm". As far as the finances go you explained about the apartment you lived in with him being high end and how going into it he knew he would be footing most of the expenses. Then last September when he got a new job he started to tighten up a bit and not be as carefree with the bills and your involvement. I can totally see where he's coming from because it sounds like while you know he was taking most of the responsibility financially, after 6 years of doing so you came to see it as just "how things were". He probably felt taken advantage of to some degree and if you had expressed your appreciation more instead of just "well that's what we've been doing since we moved in, why is it a problem now?!" Attitude, things may have ended differently. Throughout your OP you'll say things like "yea right" or "but I'm the childish one" and it comes off as extremely immature and self absorbed to be frank. If someone else was telling you about their relationship/breakup and said that they went over to their ex's party (snooped to find out they were having a party to begin with) and then creepily looked through the windows or just observed the house what would you think? You'd think what we think. That you're obsessive and can't come to terms with the fact that your ex found someone else. You're insulted and selfishly projecting that he could never find anyone better than you and he's crazy for even entertaining the idea. He did everything possible to keep you away, blocking in social media, changed his phone number for goodness sake and you still went out of your way to access his profiles and find out what he was up to. That's way to much and if you can't see that then he's right you do need counseling. Wondering about "why he's with her" and "what you can do to get him back" are pointless and Just your own mind trying to see the ways you can make this work out the way YOU want. That's never going to happen. It's time to move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StrangerThanFiction Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 What you're telling me to do is not easy; he wasn't just a boyfriend but my very best friend. We've known each other since grade school, and were the best of friends; grew up down the street from each (our parents still live within the same block) and dated right out of high school. I could count on one hand how many days we'd not have contact on one hand before this breakup since the age of 8 and I'm 24 now. I'm not going to pretend I was perfect and he was the evil ex, but in literally days he went from doing anything he could to save our relationship to not giving a single **** and ****ing some one he had just met. That makes literally no sense. None! I lost such a big part of my life over a series of BS fights and just can't walk away. This guy was my life! But you did walk away. You dumped him over those BS fights. It really sounds like it's more your pride that is hurt than anything else. Honestly, why would he try to keep doing anything he could to save your relationship AFTER YOU DUMPED HIM? Did you expect him to come crawling after you begging for you back? Especially after all the fights and drama between you two leading up to you dumping him? Is that why you can't let this go? Because he didn't and moved onto someone else? I'm sorry, but it really sounds like you were trying to play mind games with him and it backfired. Take it as a lesson for your next relationship. Learn how to communicate instead of manipulate. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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