paddlingduck Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Hi everyone, This is my first time posting on such a forum. 5 months ago the person I believed I would have my happily ever after broke up with me. I have spent a lot of time trying to come to terms with it and have spent time googling everything you can think of about a break up. I came across this forum and it was a relief to learn that so many other people understand what I am going through. I have tried to move on and get over it but I am really struggling. I would appreciate any support or advice people might have. (I'm still hurting so please be kind ) Also I would be interested if anyone had a situation similar to mine and could help. So my ex and I were together for 5 years. However, we were friends for 15 years. We are both nearly 30 and live quite close to each other. Everything was going great, there were no major problems in our relationship. So much so I believed a proposal was on the cards. His job made it difficult to spend a lot of time together because he works shift work. But I supported his career and did everything I could to work around his schedule. In hindsight this was a major mistake because in a sense I put my own life on hold for him. He also was very fond of going out with his male friends for drinks. We could have gone 3 weeks without seeing each other and he would still chose to go out over spending time together. If I said something it would end up in an argument, so over time I just put up with it and said nothing. One morning I was getting ready for work. While having my breakfast, I checked my email as I do every morning. There was an email from my ex. It was so short, cold and cruel. There was no explanation for why he wanted to break up, just that he couldn't do this anymore. That was the last I heard from him. That was 5 months ago. I took a few days to myself and didn't reply to him. When I did I just suggested we meet up to talk about the situation. There was no reply. I have not seen him since nor have I contacted him. But a number of my friends have seen him. They have told me he has put on a lot of pounds since we broke up. I on the other hand have worked on myself. I have gone to the gym, cleaned up my diet, started treating myself to spa days, new clothes etc. My problem is...I have so many unanswered questions that keep swirling around my head. I don't want my ex back because he has hurt me so badly. But I cant get over that hurt, that someone I loved had such little respect for me to end our relationship by email. I am finding it very difficult to remove him from my head, and I am finding it very difficult to let go of the hurt that I still feel. I do feel so much better having written it all down. If you read the full post thank you!
seasickpeeve Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 It felt good to write so keep writing. Either share on here or keep a diary. Write letters to him that you'll never post. Just write whatever you need to get off your chest. I believe part of the problem for these types of break ups is you are not given space to give your side a voice. It wouldn't have changed his mind but I believe it is respectful and caring to allow the person who you are leaving some time to ask questions and voice what they're thinking. Thats what a relationship is about, being able to communicate right up to the end. Th break ups where I have allowed ex's to speak their mind and where I have been allowed to speak my mind have gone much better and I have got over it faster. This whole fashion of ending a relationship over text or email just shows there are many people who do not know or care how to be in relation with each other...even if it is the end. Sorry you were not given a gentle, caring ending. You are going to have to find a way to give that yourself. Good luck x 2
Author paddlingduck Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 Thank you so much seasickpeeve for your support and advice. I will definitely continue to write. Its amazing, I've talked to my friends about it and obviously they are on my side calling him all sorts, and sometimes that can be emotionally draining. So it is really refreshing getting a neutral opinion! 2
gls081209 Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Oh, that's terrible. You were with this guy for 5 years, of course, you are still hurting after 5 months. Plus, he didn't even have enough respect for your relationship to even discuss it with you. That's an extra slap in the face. Many of us don't understand how the people we love could treat us like that. I know it's not very nice, but doesn't it make you feel a little better he's fat?! You're doing great considering the length of your relationship and how cruelly it ended . Most people would be holed up in their houses and stalking their exes online trying to find answers. You're doing things for you and keeping your distance. I know it's trite and it doesn't help right now, but time is the only thing that's going to help. (I wish I could speed up time too). I suspect you'll hear from this cat again at some point. At least you know you're worth more than how he treated you and you don't want him back (many can't say the same). I don't expect you'll get many answers. Hopefully, he won't come groveling back either. Day by day for as long as it takes... Take care of yourself. 3
Author paddlingduck Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 Oh, that's terrible. You were with this guy for 5 years, of course, you are still hurting after 5 months. Plus, he didn't even have enough respect for your relationship to even discuss it with you. That's an extra slap in the face. Many of us don't understand how the people we love could treat us like that. I know it's not very nice, but doesn't it make you feel a little better he's fat?! You're doing great considering the length of your relationship and how cruelly it ended . Most people would be holed up in their houses and stalking their exes online trying to find answers. You're doing things for you and keeping your distance. I know it's trite and it doesn't help right now, but time is the only thing that's going to help. (I wish I could speed up time too). I suspect you'll hear from this cat again at some point. At least you know you're worth more than how he treated you and you don't want him back (many can't say the same). I don't expect you'll get many answers. Hopefully, he won't come groveling back either. Day by day for as long as it takes... Take care of yourself. I think that's what hurts the most is the lack of respect. If things were the other way around I would have talked to him about how I was feeling. Lol I know do I sound like a right meanie for smiling when I heard he wasn't looking his best. I know I shouldn't...but I couldn't help myself After 5 months of nothing...I don't know what he could possibly say for himself. TBH I am glad in a sense I have not heard from him, as after a week or two after the breakup, I might have been more inclined to forgive him. But the time and space away has really made me look at the relationship and all the things I was putting up with just to save an argument. Its amazing how a bit of time and space gives you such perspective! 2
BC1980 Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 I agree that a short email was cruel after 5 years together. I know the feeling of having so many questions and so little answers. The sad fact is that many people are not honest or straightforward if they have relationship problems. I am guilty of that myself. Your ex could have had issues for years that he never talked about. You will probably never know. Sometimes, people hide their issues because they don't want to rock the boat. Sometimes, they don't want to hurt your feelings. He might have been ambivalent for awhile. Of course, there is always the possibility that he met someone else. When people want to end a relationship, they can often be cruel. I'm not surprised he didn't want to meet you because he may not be able to face you. He might feel bad about what he did, and seeing you would make him feel worse. Some people just want to be done with the person. It's really weird because you go from very close to nothing. Something that really struck me with your post was that you described your relationship as good. Then, you go on to say that you could go 3 weeks without seeing him, and he would choose to see his friends over you. I think it's really interesting that a lot of people come to LS and say nearly the same thing. I did that myself. I would tell people I had this perfect relationship, but then I had a lot of negatives to add. It doesn't make sense does it? Do you think that you might have projected what you wanted the relationship to be onto him? Also, why did you think he was close to proposing? 2
Author paddlingduck Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 I agree that a short email was cruel after 5 years together. I know the feeling of having so many questions and so little answers. The sad fact is that many people are not honest or straightforward if they have relationship problems. I am guilty of that myself. Your ex could have had issues for years that he never talked about. You will probably never know. Sometimes, people hide their issues because they don't want to rock the boat. Sometimes, they don't want to hurt your feelings. He might have been ambivalent for awhile. Of course, there is always the possibility that he met someone else. When people want to end a relationship, they can often be cruel. I'm not surprised he didn't want to meet you because he may not be able to face you. He might feel bad about what he did, and seeing you would make him feel worse. Some people just want to be done with the person. It's really weird because you go from very close to nothing. Something that really struck me with your post was that you described your relationship as good. Then, you go on to say that you could go 3 weeks without seeing him, and he would choose to see his friends over you. I think it's really interesting that a lot of people come to LS and say nearly the same thing. I did that myself. I would tell people I had this perfect relationship, but then I had a lot of negatives to add. It doesn't make sense does it? Do you think that you might have projected what you wanted the relationship to be onto him? Also, why did you think he was close to proposing? The relationship was good in terms of our personalities. We clicked very well. We had similar interests, from same backgrounds, same views etc. It was not perfect but we had a lot more good times than bad. His work meant that it was not possible to always see each other. He worked 6 days in a row and 12 hour shifts. I work also and when he would be off during the day I would be at work. When I was off in the evening he was already gone to work. Although he is nearly 30 he is quite immature. So when I say he chose his friends it was more so to go for beers with them. He would not make any level of effort with his friends apart from go for beers with them. I felt he was close to proposing because he had told me twice in the last year that getting engaged was the next step in our relationship and that he hoped to do it before we were both 30. Being in love, you trust the person when they tell you things like that 2
Satu Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Sorry that you're hurting. Try to accept the fact that it's very unlikely that you'll ever get your questions answered. Its hard to let those questions go, but they do need to dropped at some point. Maybe not yet, but eventually. Take care. 3
aloneinaz Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Hi everyone, This is my first time posting on such a forum. 5 months ago the person I believed I would have my happily ever after broke up with me. I have spent a lot of time trying to come to terms with it and have spent time googling everything you can think of about a break up. I came across this forum and it was a relief to learn that so many other people understand what I am going through. I have tried to move on and get over it but I am really struggling. I would appreciate any support or advice people might have. (I'm still hurting so please be kind ) Also I would be interested if anyone had a situation similar to mine and could help. So my ex and I were together for 5 years. However, we were friends for 15 years. We are both nearly 30 and live quite close to each other. Everything was going great, there were no major problems in our relationship. So much so I believed a proposal was on the cards. His job made it difficult to spend a lot of time together because he works shift work. But I supported his career and did everything I could to work around his schedule. In hindsight this was a major mistake because in a sense I put my own life on hold for him. He also was very fond of going out with his male friends for drinks. If I said something it would end up in an argument, so over time I just put up with itWe could have gone 3 weeks without seeing each other and he would still chose to go out over spending time together. and said nothing. One morning I was getting ready for work. While having my breakfast, I checked my email as I do every morning. There was an email from my ex. It was so short, cold and cruel. There was no explanation for why he wanted to break up, just that he couldn't do this anymore. That was the last I heard from him. That was 5 months ago. I took a few days to myself and didn't reply to him. When I did I just suggested we meet up to talk about the situation. There was no reply. I have not seen him since nor have I contacted him. But a number of my friends have seen him. They have told me he has put on a lot of pounds since we broke up. I on the other hand have worked on myself. I have gone to the gym, cleaned up my diet, started treating myself to spa days, new clothes etc. My problem is...I have so many unanswered questions that keep swirling around my head. I don't want my ex back because he has hurt me so badly. But I cant get over that hurt, that someone I loved had such little respect for me to end our relationship by email. I am finding it very difficult to remove him from my head, and I am finding it very difficult to let go of the hurt that I still feel. I do feel so much better having written it all down. If you read the full post thank you! It is sad how people that we think truly love us can be so terrible when it ends. It's was very cowardly of him to end a 5 year relationship via email. It really sounds like he was or had lost interest in the relationship. The fact that he'd prefer his buds over his GF certainly reinforces that point. In all likelihood, he was approaching the big 3-0 and just felt like his feelings for you weren't enough to continue on. This site is littered w/folks in their 20's spending many years together and it flaming out. Why? Usually because one or the other wants more relationship experience w/others to include sowing their oats. The fact that you've heard nothing from him since he emailed, tells me he's done. I know it leaves you lost and confused as to what happened and with unanswered questions. The bottom line is, you'll never get them. Even if you pinned him down, the likelihood of him providing the truth would be slim. You should have to come to peace that it wasn't meant to be and he wasn't the classiest person at the end. It's good to hear you've been working on yourself. Sounds like you're in good shape to stick your toes back in the dating pool. 5
BC1980 Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 The relationship was good in terms of our personalities. We clicked very well. We had similar interests, from same backgrounds, same views etc. It was not perfect but we had a lot more good times than bad. His work meant that it was not possible to always see each other. He worked 6 days in a row and 12 hour shifts. I work also and when he would be off during the day I would be at work. When I was off in the evening he was already gone to work. Although he is nearly 30 he is quite immature. So when I say he chose his friends it was more so to go for beers with them. He would not make any level of effort with his friends apart from go for beers with them. I felt he was close to proposing because he had told me twice in the last year that getting engaged was the next step in our relationship and that he hoped to do it before we were both 30. Being in love, you trust the person when they tell you things like that Yes, I also trusted someone that l loved, so I know it's easy. I learned the hard way that words can be cheap. I know it's hard right now, but seeing someone every 3 weeks is not the best set up. It sound like you deserve someone who can give you more attention. 2
BriNyc82 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I'm so sorry you are going through this. Truly. All in all it doesn't sound like he respects HIMSELF 1
lesoiseaux Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I used to be a regular poster here, but have been so happy the last several years with my SO that I haven't felt the need, until now. OP, I can totally relate. My boyfriend of nearly 5 years broke up with me just last Saturday (in person at least). I never saw it coming, he's lost and he doesn't even know the answers to all my questions. We're taking a one month "break" but I don't like to get my hopes up, to protect myself. I relocated across the country for him 2 years ago and the thought of a true and permanent breakup when our lives are so intertwined (we live together) is so painful and heartbreaking. Where am I supposed to go from here? Nothing makes sense. I don't have much to add, except perhaps the comfort that I know how you feel, I am lost, I am hurting, I want to cry all the time. Trust me, I know how you feel...I hope that provides you with a least a little comfort. I hope we'll both get through this.
Author paddlingduck Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 I used to be a regular poster here, but have been so happy the last several years with my SO that I haven't felt the need, until now. OP, I can totally relate. My boyfriend of nearly 5 years broke up with me just last Saturday (in person at least). I never saw it coming, he's lost and he doesn't even know the answers to all my questions. We're taking a one month "break" but I don't like to get my hopes up, to protect myself. I relocated across the country for him 2 years ago and the thought of a true and permanent breakup when our lives are so intertwined (we live together) is so painful and heartbreaking. Where am I supposed to go from here? Nothing makes sense. I don't have much to add, except perhaps the comfort that I know how you feel, I am lost, I am hurting, I want to cry all the time. Trust me, I know how you feel...I hope that provides you with a least a little comfort. I hope we'll both get through this. First of all thank you so much to everyone for your comments it is reassuring to know that others have gone through similar situations and have survived lesoiseaux so sorry to hear you are going through a break-up. Its so difficult when you go from talking to someone everyday to that. Especially when you didn't see it coming. Although I'm not 100% there yet I would like to offer you tips on some things that have helped me the last 5 months. I hope some of them can be of use to you 1. No contact is truly the only way to go. You need time and space away from him to clear your head. Its amazing how your thoughts will become much clearer. Use the time to focus on you not him. If you need to talk, talk to friends. 2. I deleted his number from my phone (even though I know it off by heart) so the temptation would not be there to contact him. It also meant I wouldn't be looking at watsapp viber etc. I haven't put it back into my phone since. There is no need I have no desire to contact him. 3. I didn't delete him off facebook, however I did unfollow him so I wouldn't see any of his posts coming up. I also unfollowed any of his friends that I thought would post things that I might not want to see. 4. I went for long walks by myself. The fresh air cleared my head, but it also gave me thinking space. I chose to walk in places that I love, that are scenic so I could appreciate the beauty around me. Its amazing how hearing birds chirping can cheer you up. 5. I went to the gym, relaxed in the pool, Jacuzzi etc. I started to look great and as a result I started to feel great. 6. I signed up to do some 5k fun runs with friends. We would turn it into a social event. Go for lunch afterwards, bring a picnic. 7. I reconnected with friends that I had lost contact with. Sometimes being in a relationship is so time consuming that you let friendships slide. 8. I started doing things for me. I bought some new clothes, got my hair and nails done. Things that I never would have done all that much of before. 9. I found listening to the radio very difficult at first. Every song made me want to cry or vomit so instead I made a mixed CD. I picked songs that would lift my mood and a lot of I don't need a man songs! The usual suspects Taylor Swift, Beyoncé, Kelly Clarkson and may I recommend a song called comeback by Ella Eyre. She speaks about how men always come back but how women should tell them where to go. So instead of feeling sad listening to the radio I belted these songs out. I'm sure anyone that drove past me thought I was crazy but I don't care it made me feel better 10. As we live in a small town bumping into him at the weekends was a very strong possibility. I decided that I would find alternative things to do at the weekends so that I wouldn't meet him. I really needed my space and seeing him could undo all the progress I had made. Now while some people might say you shouldn't not go somewhere because he might be there etc. I had to look at the bigger picture. I want to ensure that if the day comes where I do bump into him I will be cool and keep my head held high! 2
lesoiseaux Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 paddlingduck thank you so much for this list. I already do some of those things, but not all. I'm glad to hear walking alone works for you, I live in a beautiful walkable city but have been afraid to walk around by myself in case it gives me too much time to think. But I will try it It sounds like you're doing all the right things. What I hate is that I know the pain goes away, I've been through a breakup before, but somehow that doesn't make me feel better 1
Meli22 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 OP you are so brave and strong having not contacted him after him leaving you this way. Be proud of that. I've been in your shoes, I guess a lot of people have. All the unanswered questions can make us feel awful and desperate. I asked my ex for some closure around 4 months after we broke up, he couldn't give me it because he still "didn't know" . It didn't make me feel worse, maybe a little better because I stopped blaming myself. I'm not saying you should do this because it could well set you back, but it's perhaps something to think about. On the flip side, I do believe closure just comes in time. The way he ended things with you must have made you see a different side to him. It's cowardly and selfish. I'd focus on this and any of his bad traits from now on because it can be so easy to idealise our exes when that image is far from the truth. Keep posting in here, we're all in the same boat and we all want to help 1
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