JustGettingBy Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Wasn't sure where to post this, but it said 'not sure where to post? This is the place!' so it seemed appropriate. I (23M) am embarrassed to admit have no idea what flirting is. I've never been in a relationship, but heard from friends, both male and female saying I'd be a 'good catch', often saying I'm funny, nice, fit, hard working, well educated and have career potential, smart, level headed and fun among other things. The same friends have said multiple times that I've missed having a woman flirt or even openly hit on me, saying it was 'obvious' she was doing so, with my friends going as far as to say I get flirted with and hit on more often than most people. Even after looking up what flirting was for a couple years now, I still have no idea. I often see it described as 'non-verbal cues of interest', but with no examples, or the examples include almost exclusively things in normal conversation: eye contact, using the person's name, laughing, smile, being nice'. This lead to me thinking first article I read was satire, it seemed to be saying that every male-female interaction was loaded with flirting, and using that to make fun of our highly sexual culture. People not interested in me (taken women, male friends, relatives, lesbians, women significantly older) often smile, be nice, laugh and use my name, so clearly its more complex than what's described. Where's the line between flirting and friendly conversation? The articles I read also say that you need to flirt because its considered 'socially wrong' to say interest directly, and makes people uncomfortable. The same article then describes how flirting was directly responsible for a situation that would be several times more uncomfortable than one party stating interest. The most common dating advice I hear is 'learn to flirt' with no explanation. Saying it is 'non-verbal cues of interest', would be like saying you hug someone by 'warming greeting them in a physical manner', it describes the intention, but not what you do. summary: What is flirting? How do I do it? How do I recognize the difference flirting and being friendly?
RecentChange Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Well - this is a broad topic - but I will try to lend my advice and tips! For me at least, yes, flirting is basically friendly conversation - but interaction is picked up a notch. A lot of it is body language basics. Reducing the space between you and the other person. Leaning in. Keen interest. Especially for women, touching, and playing with their hair is often a subconscious flirting move (I know I do this). As is drawing attention to your mouth - again, for a girl, its playing with the straw from my drink, biting my lower lip etc. If I get close enough to whisper something in your ear (or maybe accidentally touch it with my lips while talk - its ON!) "Open" body language - usually means arms not crossed, if legs crossed, they are crossed towards the other person - in other words - it is like you are being physically drawn to them - pulled closer - they have a magnet you can't resist Touching - be it a shoulder or a knee.... either intentional, or "accidentally" bumping into them. "Going there" with the conversation - Innuendo, compliments etc.... And while flirting can be INTENTIONAL, I think, for me at least, I can end up flirting with someone when I am not really even conscious about it. For instance - I met someone, I was attracted to them, but wasn't flirting on a conscious level (because I am not single and shouldn't be flirting!!). But I was doing all of it. The getting closer, the leaning in, playing with my hair, lots of eye contact, and "stealing glimpses" (hey he is hot - I was looking him up and down!), flirty statements ("oh, is that what you tell the girls you pick up on?") - and the "unintentional" touching.... I didn't even realize I was flirting until he became more bold and made it clear that HE KNEW I was flirting... 1
Gloria25 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I believe flirting can be verbal, nonverbal - even in written form (ie texts, email). While ya, what is interpreted as flirting "can" be broad, because it is based on people's perceptions and/or expectations in communication - flirting, IMO is what you say and/or do to put a person on notice that you are attracted and/or interested. Think of it as what you do to separate X person from a group of people. Like let's say three girls are chatting and having drinks, you may buy a drink for not Y or Z, but X. Then, when the bartender announces it was you, you raise your beer, not even make eye contact with Y or Z, only X...Later in the evening, you may even walk over to them and while you may say "Hey, how's it goin' ladies, you may do a quick glance at Y or Z, but your eyes set with X. And, you may say something specific to X, like "so, what's a sexy chick like you doing here, can I join you? I could go on and on, but see how in my example you addressed other chicks (Y and Z), yet kept your attention on X? If X can't pick up what you're serving, then she's really clueless.
Male Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 you may say something specific to X, like "so, what's a sexy chick like you doing here, can I join you? Wow...did you get that example from Family Guy? lol FYI: If you want to have any chance at success...NEVER call a woman a "sexy chick" the first time you talk to her.
Gloria25 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 And yes, flirting can be confusing, like about a month ago the guy at the grocery store with the arm tattoo? It's his job to chat up people, so I while was flattered that he commented on me possibly sharing the sweets I bought with him, I sorta leaned more towards him just doing his job (well, maybe flirting too...but since it's part of his job he can flirt w/o requirement to follow through)
Author JustGettingBy Posted August 20, 2015 Author Posted August 20, 2015 I'm getting it, a little. Listing specific examples definitely helped, but another question I have is: how do I tell the difference between a woman who's flirting because she's interested, one who's flirting for fun or esteem reasons and one who's simply naturally flirty? And also why is flirting seen as so 'needed' when just saying 'I think you're attractive' is seen as wrong, especially when flirting often leads to so much miscommunication and missed opportunities?
Gloria25 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 I'm getting it, a little. Listing specific examples definitely helped, but another question I have is: how do I tell the difference between a woman who's flirting because she's interested, one who's flirting for fun or esteem reasons and one who's simply naturally flirty? Ok... Watch how she interacts with others. So, if what she does with you that you consider flirting (i.e. calling you "babe") she does with everyone - that is probably her not flirting with you or anyone and/or that's her "flirty" personality. Also, follow through...If, when you try to ask her out, chat her up, touch her, separate her from the group for one-on-one chats and stuff she starts avoiding, giving the cold shoulder, and/or not following through. Again, there you know she was just flirting. And also why is flirting seen as so 'needed' when just saying 'I think you're attractive' is seen as wrong, especially when flirting often leads to so much miscommunication and missed opportunities? I don't know if flirting is needed or not. Quite frankly, for the same reasons you mentioned (trying to decide if the person is just flirting with you to boost their ego, play games, etc) I am also not a fan of flirting. I prefer a direct approach. Now, you do sorta need a warm up to being direct - cuz it does catch people off guard...Cold approaches - especially with strangers doesn't always work. But I don't think you have to resort to "flirting". I think you can simply chat them up, look/act a certain way that will give them cues you are into them - then you can hit them up with the direct "hey, I find you attractive...would you like to have coffee some time? Ok, got ya... My responses are in bold ^^ Also, do you wanna provide some examples of mixed flirting signals you are/have pondered...so we can maybe look at them with you?
Gloria25 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Wow...did you get that example from Family Guy? lol FYI: If you want to have any chance at success...NEVER call a woman a "sexy chick" the first time you talk to her. Well, I didn't mean literally calling her a "chick" - I was just shooting some scenarios out there...
Timshel Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Flirting is a nuance. It comes naturally. Women flirt with women, idk about men flirting with men but I think it has something to do with sports and 'guy talk things.' No wait, no. Flirting is so personal in so many different ways and sexual/cultural orientations, it's impossible to narrow flirting down. I flirt with women and men with no intention of dating or any sexual implication. Flirting=eye contact, smiling and being complimentary. Nothing overt or leading anywhere other than a pleasant ego boost to the person I am speaking with. It is a primal and understood language. Sexual flirtation is quite different and is for the purpose of leading to the next level meaning 1. Asking out for a date, let's take this further. 2. Flirting with SO=let's get it on. A person usually is able to determine the difference by setting and established relationship. Also by how aggressively a person is flirting with you. If a person is being an aggressive flirt yet not asking for a proper date, usually they are deemed a male/female player and should not be taken seriously.
Author JustGettingBy Posted August 21, 2015 Author Posted August 21, 2015 Ok, got ya... My responses are in bold ^^ Also, do you wanna provide some examples of mixed flirting signals you are/have pondered...so we can maybe look at them with you? A lot of it are simple signs that can be mis interpreted as every day conversation or are vague, like laughing. How can I tell after I say something funny if a woman's laugh is because she is interested, being polite, or genuinely thinks I'm funny. Same with being nice and smiling (is she smiling because she's flirting, or because she's happy? Is that a casual compliment or a flirtatious one?) Also, multiple posters have mentioned both Timshel and Recent Change mentioned 'bold' or 'aggressive' body language, and I'm not sure what that means, exactly. Its wording makes it almost seem threatening, by that makes on sense in this context. As for Timshel's comment on 'it comes naturally', it seems I'm an exception to that, thusly my confusion, with the 'impossible to narrow it down' part probably why it seems difficult for anyone to properly explain it to me. I'm envisioning myself doing these things, and it seems like it would have to be forced and uncomfortable.
RecentChange Posted August 21, 2015 Posted August 21, 2015 I wouldn't consider the desirable body language as threatening... no no no no But bold perhaps. When you are with someone you are interested in, do you have any desire to touch them? To get closer to them? To gaze into their eyes? I think that these are natural reactions when we are attracted to someone. But shyness, fears of rejection, etc tell us to avoid the touching, the strong gaze etc. And I consider part of flirting overcoming the hesitation, and making your desires clear. Someone with a bold personality is more likely to flirt a lot, than someone who is shy and reserved.
Author JustGettingBy Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 I wouldn't consider the desirable body language as threatening... no no no no But bold perhaps. When you are with someone you are interested in, do you have any desire to touch them? To get closer to them? To gaze into their eyes? I think that these are natural reactions when we are attracted to someone. But shyness, fears of rejection, etc tell us to avoid the touching, the strong gaze etc. And I consider part of flirting overcoming the hesitation, and making your desires clear. Someone with a bold personality is more likely to flirt a lot, than someone who is shy and reserved. Only thing is I don't know where the 'line' is between flirtation and creepiness, so I hold back entirely.
justcallmebones Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Flirting should be fun and it should also come pretty easily. Playful banter, light touching, etc
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