Should I Stay or Should I Go? Letting go for a career opportunity. [23m]

[breakupthrowaway663]

Hi all! I'm caught in a pickle and hoping you guys could talk some sense into me.

 

I recently received a job offer which would move me across the US to the East coast. The salary isn't better than what I'm earning now (after cost of living), but the projects and company seem more exciting. This is a big move, about 2000 miles away from my current location. Without fail, I have recently met an amazing woman. Things are still fresh, as we just recently moved out of the "casually dating" stage to the "only seeing you stage". We are on the same page with interests, sense of humor, relationship goals, and the list goes on.

 

I broke it to her that I received a job offer in New York. To my surprise, she hinted at trying to make long distance work, and had done it before while an ex was volunteering in another country for a year. I've never been a fan of LDR, but I was surprised by her response of trying to make it work. Mostly because although I feel connected to her, I didn't think she felt that way about me yet, or maybe she was just being polite. We text maybe twice a day and don't see each other that often, so I was surprised.

 

On top of all of that, she's absolutely incredible. Absolutely drop-dead gorgeous and her personality is fantastic. She gets along great with my friends and vice-versa. I've never dated anyone like her and she has set the bar high. I am worried I won't find someone like her again.

 

So I'm trying to decide on my next move. What do I do? If I accept, I will be moving in 2 months.

 

Here's some additional information that might help:

 

- The job isn't a promotion or step-up in pay. I just view it at a slightly better opportunity.

 

- My current location is where I grew up and my family is in the area. I've always lived here, hence the itch to try a new city, but also a sense of familiarity.

 

- I finally feel in a position after college where I put my life together. I found some amazing friends, enjoy my current job, and have rediscovered myself after a lengthy college relationship. Do I want to let go of what I have?

 

- I don't know this woman extremely well yet, and could just be infatuated. We haven't had enough time together for me to really get to know her past a dating level (we don't consider it a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship yet). But I fear not finding someone like her again. After all, I am far more attracted to her than any other girl I've dated.

 

Thanks for any and all advice! Cheers!

[TaraMaiden2]

There seem to be more pro's for staying than going...

If the job was a step up, a promotion, an opportunity to better and advance your career, I'd say go for it, and try really hard with the relationship.

But if it's a step sideways, and a long-haul move.... wouldn't it be better to improve your staying-power with the job you have, and better your prospects closer to home?

[breakupthrowaway663]

There seem to be more pro's for staying than going...

If the job was a step up, a promotion, an opportunity to better and advance your career, I'd say go for it, and try really hard with the relationship.

But if it's a step sideways, and a long-haul move.... wouldn't it be better to improve your staying-power with the job you have, and better your prospects closer to home?

 

Ya, if it were a promotion I'd be leaning heavily towards moving. Although the projects I would be working on there do seem quite a bit more exciting. I would probably learn more as well. But yes, improving my staying-power and going for a promotion at home is starting to seem like the best option, regardless of the woman I'm dating.

[xcupid]

Look at it strictly from a career perspective. To me it doesn't sound like there's enough incentive to make the move.

 

 

What are long term prospects where you're at? Are you happy where you're at? How would you feel being away from friends and family? What's the financial stability of the company you're with vs. the new company? Do you retain seniority with the new company or are you starting from the bottom rung again? What's the benefit package like with the new company?

 

 

It would be different if you said it was a fantastic opportunity and the only thing that was holding you back was the potential for a relationship with this woman. But that's not the case here. Also, the success rate for a LDR under these circumstances would be low IMO. Good luck!

[HereNorThere]

Nah, you said it was away from your family. Trust me, there is NOTHING healthier than getting away from your family.

 

Spread your wings and fly, man. You only live once and you don't want to spend it around your family. Getting out into the world allows you to get to know yourself better. You find out that all that time you were forced to play a certain role and now you can truly be yourself.

 

Go, explore and live life. You're 23 man, the world is your oyster.

 

Just stay away from any cities near the Rocky Mountains.

[warrenorabbits]

If you stay, please don't make it just because of the girl.

 

If you were living together or had been dating five years my answer would be different. But even though you really like her, it's way, way too early to tell if it's meant to be or just infatuation. I've gotten really worked up over girls I've broken up with after two weeks, and I'd hate for you to lose this opportunity to either advance your career, or at worst explore a new part of the country, over a woman you don't know too well. Plenty of fish in the -- well, you know. It's a cliché, but it has become a cliché only because it's so true.

 

Now. Also keep in mind that moving, in and of itself, is usually EXTREMELY expensive and a huge pain in the ass. If the company's buying then you're mostly good; otherwise, plan to fork over at least $2,000 just to ship a studio apartment's worth of stuff across the country. Add to that labour (unless you want several long days of moving couches) for at least $500 total, fuel to drive your car the distance, and hotel costs (possibly for weeks if you don't know anyone you can crash with and if the company's not buying), and you're easily spending multiple thousands of dollars for an opportunity you frankly don't sound too thrilled about. Granted, in the US you can deduct moving costs from your taxes, but it's still a lot of money unless the company is paying all of it (sometime they'll cover the shipping but not movers, for example).

 

And even if they are paying for everything you need, you'll have to change your address, get new licenses and registrations, transfer your title ... and all that work will suck hours out of your life. I should know because I just got through all that ... and by the way, you'll get bored of most cities quickly, so don't move for that either.

 

All other things being equal, since your current job is fine I'd just stay put.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Nah, you said it was away from your family. Trust me, there is NOTHING healthier than getting away from your family.

 

Spread your wings and fly, man. You only live once and you don't want to spend it around your family. Getting out into the world allows you to get to know yourself better. You find out that all that time you were forced to play a certain role and now you can truly be yourself.

 

Go, explore and live life. You're 23 man, the world is your oyster.

 

Just stay away from any cities near the Rocky Mountains.

 

Now. Also keep in mind that moving, in and of itself, is usually EXTREMELY expensive and a huge pain in the ass. If the company's buying then you're mostly good; otherwise, plan to fork over at least $2,000 just to ship a studio apartment's worth of stuff across the country. Add to that labour (unless you want several long days of moving couches) for at least $500 total, fuel to drive your car the distance, and hotel costs (possibly for weeks if you don't know anyone you can crash with and if the company's not buying), and you're easily spending multiple thousands of dollars for an opportunity you frankly don't sound too thrilled about. Granted, in the US you can deduct moving costs from your taxes, but it's still a lot of money unless the company is paying all of it (sometime they'll cover the shipping but not movers, for example).

 

And even if they are paying for everything you need, you'll have to change your address, get new licenses and registrations, transfer your title ... and all that work will suck hours out of your life. I should know because I just got through all that ... and by the way, you'll get bored of most cities quickly, so don't move for that either.

 

All other things being equal, since your current job is fine I'd just stay put.

 

This is what I find most difficult. Some people say explore and see the country, while others say it's really not worth it. I've never lived in a big city and initially was excited to be around so many people and so many things to do. That's the main reason I want to move, other than to explore new opportunities and discover myself outside of my hometown. But is that a good enough reason?

 

If you stay, please don't make it just because of the girl.

 

If you were living together or had been dating five years my answer would be different. But even though you really like her, it's way, way too early to tell if it's meant to be or just infatuation. I've gotten really worked up over girls I've broken up with after two weeks, and I'd hate for you to lose this opportunity to either advance your career, or at worst explore a new part of the country, over a woman you don't know too well. Plenty of fish in the -- well, you know. It's a cliché, but it has become a cliché only because it's so true.

 

Ya, it's not just her. Although I can't help but feel she has really raised the bar. It still sucks to let go, but I'm trying to do my best to make a logical decision. The timing of the relationship is quite unfortunate .

 

What are long term prospects where you're at? Are you happy where you're at? How would you feel being away from friends and family? What's the financial stability of the company you're with vs. the new company? Do you retain seniority with the new company or are you starting from the bottom rung again? What's the benefit package like with the new company?

 

Similar growth and development as the new job I'd be taking. I'm happy with my current job, but my current project is extremely mundane. Financial stability is about the same, except the new company gives shares as a benefit. Benefits are about the same, except the new company has a slightly better 401k match. I'd be making a lateral move, and wouldn't be starting at the bottom. I'm not sure if a promotion would come sooner or later.

 

The new company has a 4.9/5 on Glassdoor, while my current company has a 4.4.

 

Also, the success rate for a LDR under these circumstances would be low IMO. Good luck!

 

I agree that LDR is definitely not what I want here. Especially in a new city over 2,000 miles away. I know she mentioned it, but I'm skeptical.

[Qboro90]

Make the move! You told us yourself that you're finally finding yourself and setting up your life the way you want it to go after college and a long relationship. If you never met this girl would you have any concerns about making the move? I don't think so from what I read. Even though it's not a promotion this is an opportunity that you should take. You will be able to see more of the world, get out of the one town you've iced you're whole life, build your resume up, work on more interesting projects and things that you will enjoy more than where you currently are. You can try to maintain a ldr with this girl but if it becomes an issue then you're not deep enough into it to where you'd be heartbroken and devastated. Worst case scenario? The job isn't what you hoped and you move back to where you are now.

 

Best case scenario? Job opens up other opportunities for you and expands you network, you meet an even more incredible girl and don't ever have the "what if I went" regret.