FirstLoveStuck Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been in a ldr due to school breaks, and this summer break has been the longest we've been apart. I just got a text from him saying that he f-ed up and drank too much while out with friends and blacked out. He doesn't remember the last bar he was at, and the next thing he knew, he was waking up with his friend in his bed. He doesn't remember anything, and when I asked how far it went, he said that he doesn't know but can't deny anything. I know that sober, he would never have done something like this. Especially since he was supposed to be flying down to see me in 11 days. Every part of me wants to forgive him and try to move on with him, but I don't know if I'll be able to get over that someone else was with him while we were dating. One of the big things killing me right now is that I don't know who he woke up with, if he sought out her at all, and if anything actually happened. The issue with that is that I feel like if you have sex blacked out, there's a pretty good chance you won't be wearing clothes in the morning. Especially since he often falls asleep naked after we have sex, and once he's asleep, he's out--especially if he's had a lot to drink. I don't know how to go about this at all other than calling him and asking the questions I don't actually want to ask. Advice and perspectives would be much appreciated. --------- Basically he blacked out while drinking with friends, and woke up with a friend in bed with him. He doesn't know what happened. I need advice on how to deal with this.
LoveRefreshed Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 A) He should ask his friend what happened. B) Drunkenness is no excuse. It lowers inhibitions, not making people do something contrary to their thoughts and actions. If he did this while drunk, he'd probably sleep with her while sober. C) Cheating is my deal breaker, so I'd drop him. D) Even if he didn't cheat, he has boundary issues and possible drinking issues. Blacking out is the first stages to alcoholism. 4
d0nnivain Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 It's not ideal & he needs to get a handle on his drinking. I would want to know how they got home for safety reasons. If they were both fully clothed & not cuddled up together, since he immediately called you I might me able to get past it. Naked drunken sex nope, it's over. The booze is no excuse. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Ask him the questions you have on your mind. Was he clothed when he woke up? I would guess he wasn't, as he said he can't deny anything. If he woke up fully-clothed, I'm sure he would've told you that immediately. I don't buy that he was so blacked-out he doesn't remember anything. In my experience, if you are that intoxicated, you're not going to be in any shape to participate in sexual activity. Just my two cents. I have a feeling he was very drunk, fooled around with or slept with someone, but doesn't necessarily remember all the details. If that's the case, you need to find out if he was at least protected. Did he find a condom wrapper? Who is this friend? There is more at risk here than your relationship.
losangelena Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Eeesh. I think the fact he told you is a good start; at least he's not trying to hide it. I agree that he needs to ask his friends what happened. In these situations there's usually someone who was sober enough to remember details.
losangelena Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 I don't buy that he was so blacked-out he doesn't remember anything. In my experience, if you are that intoxicated, you're not going to be in any shape to participate in sexual activity. Just my two cents. Mmm ... not true! Maybe for men it's different, but women can for sure participate in sex while blacked out. Just because you're blacked out doesn't mean you're so drunk you can't function, it just means you can't remember what you did; those around you can't actually tell that you're blacked out. The first time I blacked out, my roommate told me that I chatted up a couple of dudes and then she and I went and got pizza. I have ZERO memory of this happening, but apparently I was fully-functioning the whole time.
cessna Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 A) He should ask his friend what happened. B) Drunkenness is no excuse. It lowers inhibitions, not making people do something contrary to their thoughts and actions. If he did this while drunk, he'd probably sleep with her while sober. C) Cheating is my deal breaker, so I'd drop him. D) Even if he didn't cheat, he has boundary issues and possible drinking issues. Blacking out is the first stages to alcoholism. Drinking issues? Oh relax. Where I'm from everyone drinks and drinks to excess. It's normal. Fair play to him for being honest with you. He could have kept his mouth shut and you'd be none the wiser but he didn't. That makes me think he is telling the truth. Like others have said he needs to talk to the bird he was with that night and get her take on what happened.
LoveRefreshed Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Just because it's socially acceptable doesn't make it any less of a health risk. When I was a kid, I didn't know my mother. She was a nobody. She was an alcoholic that walked out on my father before I was old enough to remember. My father was a drug addict, drinking, cocaine, partying non stop. He chose drugs and women over us for a long time. My mom cleaned up and came back into my life when I was 8. She started with some custody and then when we were about 14, custody was just a nonissue as we lived in the same town and my step dad helped my mom get over her anger at my dad and they began to be courteous to each other and we were just back and forth whenever we wanted to go for this or that. Fast forward until I'm 21, I have a 10 year old brother and a 12 year old sister when my mother relapses again. My step dad leaves her. She keeps drinking. She loses her house. She lost her job. She lost the house she was renting. She started getting DUIs. She lost her car. She can't keep a job. Until my sister finds her passed out behind a dumpster with 2 bums on her like she's some sort of ****ing prostitute. My sisters and brothers are ****ed up from this. They are closed off. I am closed off. All 4 of us carry around some sort of internal scar from it. So **** you it's harmless. Alcoholism is ****ing serious despite you coming from some drunken nation. It hurts people no matter if you're German, if your Russian or American. And blackouts are the first sign of it.
cessna Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 (edited) I never said alcoholism was harmless. What I'm saying is that one drunken night doesn't make you an alcoholic. Edited August 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
LoveRefreshed Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 (edited) You need to read about alcoholism. One night doesn't make you an alcoholic, but blacking out is something that happens to frequent drinkers. Yes, drinking to excess is one cause, but it is also related to frequency of over intoxication. Those who black out experience blackouts frequently and are 40% more susceptible to becoming alcoholics. So yes, he has a ****ing problem already, he's just to young to realize it. People like you are the ones who end up alcoholics 10 years down the road like my mother saying "I didn't mean to be come an alcoholic, I didn't even notice it happening" when they just ignored and justified it to begin with. Edited August 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
ExpatInItaly Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Mmm ... not true! Maybe for men it's different, but women can for sure participate in sex while blacked out. Just because you're blacked out doesn't mean you're so drunk you can't function, it just means you can't remember what you did; those around you can't actually tell that you're blacked out. The first time I blacked out, my roommate told me that I chatted up a couple of dudes and then she and I went and got pizza. I have ZERO memory of this happening, but apparently I was fully-functioning the whole time. This is what I'm talking about. I've yet to meet a man who can be "black-out drunk" and still adequately perform.
LoveRefreshed Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 This is what I'm talking about. I've yet to meet a man who can be "black-out drunk" and still adequately perform. Depends on age and fitness. I think some men can, I know I have had blackout sex with a gf. She told me about it the next day and I was like, wait, what, we had sex last night? That was when I was drinking heavily at the age of 20 -_-
ExpatInItaly Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Depends on age and fitness. I think some men can, I know I have had blackout sex with a gf. She told me about it the next day and I was like, wait, what, we had sex last night? That was when I was drinking heavily at the age of 20 -_- Even worse. If he can't remember a thing, he needs to get himself tested as I imagine he won't remember whether or not they thought to use protection if in fact he had sex with someone else. Risky and bad news for OP all around. 1
deadelvis Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 99% of the time I got drunk I had a great time. the other 1%... not so much. @Lovefreshed, but lets not turn this thread into a tirade against drinking. I'm sorry you had such a difficult life but many people drink and don't end up sleeping behind a dumpster with the homeless. Cool story bro. by the way... it is totally possible for a man to have sex while blacked out. i had sex with one of my friends a few years ago and remember nothing. we had talked about having sex while sober so it wasn't a big surprise, but hearing her tell me that we had sex the night before did come as a surprise.
Poppyolive Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 (edited) Binge drinking can be all fun and games, as soon as it starts interfering with relationships, friendships, families, work....it becomes a problem. You may binge drink and cause zero problems. I know I can drink large amounts and never breakdown relationships. Binge drinking doesn't suit some people in this case he cheated or ended up.in bed with someone. , whether he owned up or not, he still hurt his girlfriend. Edited August 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
LoveRefreshed Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 99% of the time I got drunk I had a great time. the other 1%... not so much. @Lovefreshed, but lets not turn this thread into a tirade against drinking. I'm sorry you had such a difficult life but many people drink and don't end up sleeping behind a dumpster with the homeless. Cool story bro. by the way... it is totally possible for a man to have sex while blacked out. i had sex with one of my friends a few years ago and remember nothing. we had talked about having sex while sober so it wasn't a big surprise, but hearing her tell me that we had sex the night before did come as a surprise. I drink. I have a great time doing it. I'm not against drinking. I'm saying blackouts are a warning sign for alcoholism. If I was with a girl that blacked out once and a while, fine, but several times, and I'd cut the cord.
deadelvis Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 OP, he can have a talk with his friend (he probably already did that morning) and answer your questions. You deserve those answers. I agree with the other posters that him being honest with you is an indication that he is a good boyfriend who made an honest mistake. 1
William Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Folks, let's focus on this new member's topic and stow the name calling. Your ability to post here will last longer that way and the thread starter might even find LoveShack.org to be a welcoming place. Thanks! 1
deadelvis Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 This is what I'm talking about. I've yet to meet a man who can be "black-out drunk" and still adequately perform. I can. Like a champ. Often better than sober. And actually the women who I had sex with while blacked out have generally described the sex as "great". It's totally possible. I suggest you try it. 1
LoveRefreshed Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 OP, he can have a talk with his friend (he probably already did that morning) and answer your questions. You deserve those answers. I agree with the other posters that him being honest with you is an indication that he is a good boyfriend who made an honest mistake. I don't know. It doesn't matter if someone is honest about cheating or not. The act of cheating itself is a violation of the relationship trust. Lying about it is a second offense. Cheating for me is a line. Once crossed, there is no going back. I don't even maintain friendships with cheaters.
VengeanceGuidesMe Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 As the name suggests, I'd burn that bridge and never look back. Actually, first I'd **** one of his friend, then never look back. Cheating is despicable and unforgivable, IMO. Also, not to go OT, or to, I had a similar life to you LoveRefreshed, but I have also known many people to black out and not have drinking problems. Yeah, it could be a warning sign, but it's not decisive of drinking problems. 1
introverted1 Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Regardless whether your bf is an alcoholic in the making or not, do you really want to be with a guy who, in the best case, gets so drunk he can't remember if he had sex with someone else or, in the worst case, uses the excuse of being drunk to justify cheating? Sounds like bad news either way.
xcupid Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Get the facts about what happened. Did he have sex? Did he have protected sex? If he doesn't have the answers, someone else will - the person he was with. Then decide whether you can live with what happened. And you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who drinks like this - that's a red flag.
HereNorThere Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie,.. Hellooooo!!! HE"S LYING See, by telling your part of the story, he can absolve a little bit of guilt. Also, if you ever were to find out the truth from the friend, he can claim "I told you." Dude, don't believe a word of that. Every single cheater here has a similar story at first. Go read Ryan Beynolds thread. He's chick told him the exact same thing, over and over, but he wasn't stupid. Eventually he got it out of her. Here's the link - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/542381-girlfriend-slept-over-guy-friends-house
HereNorThere Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Okay, out of literally thousands of times I've been drunk, I've blacked out a handful. It's okay, it happens, whatever. Lol, it's like the Hangover or Dude, where's my car. The difference is that sex leaves a lot of evidence. I mean, you're naked in someones bed. That someone has name. That someone's fluids are going to be on you. That someone is going to be talking to you. That someone will probably want to go another round, etc. etc. Could you not remember it, sure, it's possible, but eventually you find your friend Doug on top of the hotel and it comes back to you. Ugh, the blackout excuses are just the worse. C'mon, OP, please don't fall for that crap. And trust this - If he didn't have sex, he wouldn't be telling you ANYTHING. No criminal is going to admit to a cop that they might have robbed a bank 1
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