noun123 Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 When you think losing the person you love the most is hard, I have in fact found it to be them moving on which is the hardest part. My bf and I broke up after 2 years one month ago. Our talk didn't start as a breakup but rather we realized over a serious discussion that he was having doubts. Hours later after trying to come up with solutions he had given up. I thought I was going to be stronger through this but it has completely broken me. I relied on him for support through a few phone calls and messages but what has possibly hurt me more is that he is getting through this ok and perhaps better than ever. How can you turn off your love like that. His 'friend' like messages have kicked me in the stomach and destroyed any trust that I had in him loving me for the last two years. I get that people want to move on, but does he not feel the hole in his heart like I do. I heard he's being going out a lot, he is one of those people that can keep busy to take their mind off things but nothing I do can alleviate the hurt that is crushing me. I'm just so heartbroken that someone one month ago who was my everything now has to be a distant memory, how does he not get affected.
aloneinaz Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 Hi there, Listen, read the NC thread on this site. You need to follow it as you're finding out that having LC is only screwing you up and preventing you from healing. I'm sure he's affected by the end of your relationship. You can't wipe 2 years from your memory bank. What happens is, people start losing the feeling or love for their partner. They start emotionally checking out of the relationship and see the ending coming soon. When they finally end the R/S, they feel relieved that its over. So, they are emotionally healed and detached at the end of the R/S and are able to start going out much sooner. The dumped person is in shock, wondering WTF happened and are crushed at the rejection of being kicked to the curb. This happens to everyone. We are not always a good fit for our partners. It's NOT that we are bad people, it's just that we are not a good, long term fit for them.. Most people have ended a R/S and most people have been dumped. It simply comes with the territory. You need to block him from all social media. Tell family, friends or whoever that you DON'T want to hear anything about this ex as it didn't work and you want to move on. Stay on this site and read plenty of threads. You'll learn what works (NC) and what doesn't (what you were doing). 4
Satu Posted August 10, 2015 Posted August 10, 2015 (edited) Snip I'm just so heartbroken that *someone one month ago who was my everything now has to be a distant memory, how does he not get affected. Life is never about just one person. Life isn't meant to be about just one person. Nobody can be your *everything.* Nobody should be your *everything.* Relationships that work are made by two independent, and emotionally self-sufficient people, who don't *need* each other. They want, but they don't need. Think of two strong trees, with branches that touch. Always ask: "What can I learn from this?" Edited August 10, 2015 by Satu
Author noun123 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Posted August 15, 2015 Weird range of emotions this week. From massive depression to heartbreak and now to anger. I let him go so easily and acted like I was fine. Im not fine, I am mad. I said I wasn't but I am so full of hate right now. I feel like he shouldn't be allowed to get away with treating people like he treated me. I should have said something so he knew the impact but that is too late now. I am in NC. But I really regret not leaving an impact and letting him think that it was ok. 1
casey.lives Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 people go where they want to go, that's not news to anyone. However, constantly reliving it is the true source of your rage - im positive.
dkgwillow Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Google the 7 stages of grieving a break up. There are no rights and wrongs in the stages and there is no real order, you will fluctuate many times before reaching the final stage of acceptance. Keep moving forward and don't get stuck in the past. Remember, sometimes we wish we'd said things and other times we say everything and wish we'd said nothing, of the two I'd rather say nothing than regret things that can't be unsaid. In time it won't matter either way. 2
Gus Grimly Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 Google the 7 stages of grieving a break up. I just read that. Spot on for me, wow.
SycamoreCircle Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 Don't regret lashing out at him. I lashed out at my ex and it does nothing. It's a volley which receives another volley of disrespect from them. It further unmasks the coldness and cruelty they harbor. Not worth it. Smother yourself in NC. Get out of your surroundings. Take a trip. Write. Walk it off. Sleep it off. Do whatever the fnck you want. You're at that stage right now. Satiate your appetites. Gorge on things. Sleep in a bathtub. Smoke a bowl. Mound your spoon with ice cream.
bigtrouble Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 To each his own... 7 months since breakup... I'm doing fine, but I felt no anger nor rage, no hate towards the person... Can you truly reach acceptance w/o getting Rage? Nothing hurts more than being ignored, it burns me... Its like hell, like I never existed... I'm still working on my indifference and I am getting there... One day I will wake up and just be totally indifferent to that person... One day I will no longer have to pretend... Wallowing in the pain made me callous... I hate what the person did and does, but not the person as a whole... I still have respect for that person, who put me through hell... 2
Author noun123 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 Mornings are so hard. I keep hoping for them to get better but I still wake up with major anxiety and a hole in my stomach. I just can't get past how it ended. None of it makes sense and despite having no reason to, I keep holding onto a tiny bit of hope. I almost want to find out he is seeing someone then I can let go but truthfully I know that would destroy me further. I just can't get past that someone can let two years go so easily and not look back. I have been almost two weeks no contact but I have yet to feel better after a month and a half post BU. I've done everything I'm supposed to but can't shake this feeling of abandonment, heartache, and betrayal (for saying everything was great when obviously it wasn't) I just want to reach out and make everything better. 2
seasickpeeve Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 it's still very very early days. A break up is like grabbing around in the dark for something to hold onto. If mornings are the worst maybe write up a good morning routine you can throw yourself into to distract from difficult feelings and start your day off well. Maybe ten mins in the morning to write your upset feelings down then tell yourself the rest of the morning will be positive after that. Eat well, excercise, stuff like that. If every morning you try extra hard to get the focus back on you it will set you up for a good day and a good life. good luck 1
LeslieKnope Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 I'm so very sorry. You've definitely come to the right place - everyone on here has experienced or is experiencing something very similar to what you're feeling, whether it be days, weeks, months or years since the breakup. Venting on this board and reading people's shared experiences has really helped me, but even 3 months out I get sad too, like bottomless pit of tears sad. Unfortunately, contacting the ex, particularly if they broke up with you, won't resolve your feelings of sadness. But you will get better. There's no set time frame for getting over the breakup and believe it or not, THAT'S OKAY. You're normal! I no it's no consolation today, but someday you won't be visiting this board anymore because you'll have moved on (sorry LS'ers, I love ya, but that's my goal too!). You mentioned doing 'everything you're supposed to' for getting yourself to a better place. Apart from going NC (which is so great and strong of you, btw), what have you done? 1
Satu Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 You are still in the acute/crisis phase of the breakup. Things will get better, but for the moment it's a matter of getting through your day, one day at a time. Do you have someone you can talk to? 1
Luke22 Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 You are in the right place. I see that you are making steps to heal and move forward simply by signing on here. IMHO, please don't research is he is with someone else. That answer will only create ten more questions. And with each answer, you'll have ten more...and so on and so on. It doesn't change anything. What matters is you. Letting go of two years was easy? I don't believe it. He started this process long before he ended it. This is why he appears to be further along the process of rebuilding. I do believe that dumpers decide to leave long before they actually cut things off. What ever the reason, it wasn't a match. Some day you'll look back and be thankful that you didn't waste a moment more with someone that wasn't the best for you. Bad mornings? Change your routine. Get up, get ready for work and go to a coffee shop and read the paper or people watch before you go to work. Break the routine. I am proud of you for identifying where the worst moment of the day is. Now, make a plan and change that morning routine. It does get better. 2
Yummm Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 So sorry you're going through this. As Satu said, take it day by day for now. The days are long, slow and agonizing, but eventually they speed up, you then go week by week and then suddenly you'll realize that your ex hasn't been on your mind the whole time! You'll then feel strange that you had a glimpse of happiness and that will make you feel sad again! Be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions, they are normal, it will pass. Do NOT break NC, it will only set you back. Hugs and positive energy xox 3
Author noun123 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 Thank you Leslie. I feel like Ive been on here way too much but I feel like everyone around me treats it like its over and I should be over it too. I have been to two counsellors, got on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. I started reading How to Get Over Your Breakup, Im starting daily affirmations. But I just can't seem to move past this. I have had lots of insecurities with relationships and knowing whether the other person was 'into it'. I thought I had found my safe place and we were dedicated to making it work, so have the rug pulled out from under me has really triggered a ton of depression. I thought I got a lot of closure from talking to him but now I just have more questions. Like how can someone give up so fast and not look back. Thanks for listening, I wish I was in a better place. 2
Author noun123 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 Ok, thank you everyone. Im sure you are right. It just doesn't feel like it right now. I had a lot of security built up in this relationship so losing it this fast has been a tremendous loss. Thank you for being there. It really helps. 1
LeslieKnope Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Thank you Leslie. I feel like Ive been on here way too much but I feel like everyone around me treats it like its over and I should be over it too. I have been to two counsellors, got on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. I started reading How to Get Over Your Breakup, Im starting daily affirmations. But I just can't seem to move past this. I have had lots of insecurities with relationships and knowing whether the other person was 'into it'. I thought I had found my safe place and we were dedicated to making it work, so have the rug pulled out from under me has really triggered a ton of depression. I thought I got a lot of closure from talking to him but now I just have more questions. Like how can someone give up so fast and not look back. Thanks for listening, I wish I was in a better place. I think the trickiest part of a breakup is the futility of trying to figure out what drove the ex to dump you in the first place. The feeling of rejection is so strong that you cannot believe that someone who truly loved you would then go and hurt you so much. Your ex only seems to have 'given up so fast' because as the dumper, he had far more time to process the breakup (after all, he initiated it). The truth is, you probably won't know for sure and it doesn't matter because the outcome is the same regardless. I'm very glad to hear you have sought out help from counsellors. Have you been doing anything else different with your daily routine? I was feeling so lethargic and sad in the mornings too and then I decided to get back into running with one condition: I was to wake up every morning at 6 am and if I didn't feel like running that day I'd at least go for a walk listening to music or the radio. Basically, I wasn't going to apply any pressure on myself. So far I've only missed one run, but the difference to my well-being because I'm getting outside first thing in the morning has been extraordinary. There's no one-size fits all of course, but if you've got a passion or something you've always been interested in trying, now would be a good time to go for it. Hugs! 1
Satu Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 You're doing a lot to help yourself and that will bear fruit. Do you like writing? I have a feeling that it might suit you. In the meantime, keep posting. There's always somebody here. Take care. 2
aloneinaz Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 But I just can't seem to move past this. I have had lots of insecurities with relationships and knowing whether the other person was 'into it'. I thought I had found my safe place and we were dedicated to making it work, so have the rug pulled out from under me has really triggered a ton of depression. I thought I got a lot of closure from talking to him but now I just have more questions. Like how can someone give up so fast and not look back. Thanks for listening, I wish I was in a better place. It's been stated on this site by many posters that when they were the dumper, they had known the feelings about their partner were fading and knew it was time to end the R/S. I've ended most of my R/S's as well and I felt the same way. Sometimes, R/S start off with all this promise but after time (months/years), those feelings fade and you don't see any really long term promise. Certainly people have the right to end a relationship they are not happy with. We hope they do it gently and with kindness. Often times, the dumper will come across as "cold" or "heartless" during the conversation or during the last communications for the next few days. Understand, they are not trying to be "mean". They are trying to simply be firm and committed to their decision as in many cases, it's not easy on them either. Reading what you posted suggests that you're on the right track to be in therapy and even meds till you get back on your feet. It sounds like you (like many people) have some self esteem and confidence issues. People who have those issues before the relationship, struggle much harder when the relationship ends and they were dumped. My point is that you may not be so upset over him being gone but how this rejection stirred up all those emotions in your again. I know when my last ex dumped me, my self esteem and confidence went into the toilet until I started dating a couple months later. You're on the right track. Be kind to yourself and recognize that you need to stay NC and allow time passing and out of sight, out of mind to work for you.
Author noun123 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 Thank you aloneinaz, I know you are completely correct. It seems so hard to accept after making big plans recently together. I understand the need to be firm in your decision by coming across direct and 'cold' but its so hard to accept after years together. How a person can turn so fast. Logically it makes sense but hurts all the more. I keep thinking he'll be back at some point despite the overwhelming evidence that there is no interest. One day at a time and hopefully I can stop kidding myself. Thanks again
William Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Due to a report from an eagle-eyed member who catches threads running concurrently on similar topics from the same poster, moderation merged three threads on a similar topic into the most current update. Please continue the discussion here. There is an announcement about threads on similar topics at the top of this forum. Apologies for any duplication. Thanks!
Author noun123 Posted September 4, 2015 Author Posted September 4, 2015 Update on coping. Well its been two months now. Crazy to think how fast time can fly by yet you feel as if you've been stuck in a dark pit of despair waiting for minutes to turn to hours. I have been able to pick myself up a bit. Whereas a couple weeks ago 100% of thoughts and motivations were about him now it is more a 60% - 40% split favouring him of course. I'd have to say the low dose of anti-depressants my counsellor prescribed have a lot to do with this. I've been able to take my mind off what happened for a few seconds at a time so I guess that is progress. I am no longer trying to figure out how it happened but rather 'what next?'. I have been terrible at NC. I am so crazy jealous and concerned that he is moving onto someone else so I keep in minimal contact. I broke down a couple days ago and sent him and email outlining everything I wanted to say neither mad, nor pleading just being honest. He is on vacation now so I doubt I will hear anything back anytime soon, but I would rather nothing then something bad. From our limited conversations I have kept that stupid hope alive. We are in same place, sad and confused but obviously he has moved on more. The email I sent was the very last communication from my end. Two months is long enough to hold onto this. I'm moving at the end of this month which was very stressful at first but I think how busy I will be and the new change is going to be great for me. Our situation is very hard. We have a very close friend group so now I feel like I am losing many people. I want to avoid everyone and have unfollowed many people across social platforms yet somehow something always sneaks in. I am constantly reminded of the life I had and it's like a punch to the stomach every time I see something. I will get stronger though. Thanks to everyone in this community.
Shinebrightforever Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 Stay strong. You are better than this. Picture yourself before him....find HER back. You got this girl. Hang tough. 1
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