My gf was sexually abused

[msir]

Thanks guys for eye opener .. I realized how stupid I was... She shared with me this - is very difficult to do so , she was kinda apologizing and she tried to do oral sex even she has this bad experience ... I realized how she love me doing this .... I think to have short conversation with her about it to close it like I really appreciate she shared this and I do my best to help her to overcome this or do you think just forget it as it never happened and never open it again???

[TaraMaiden2]

Thanks guys for eye opener .. I realized how stupid I was... She shared with me this - is very difficult to do so , she was kinda apologizing and she tried to do oral sex even she has this bad experience ... I realized how she love me doing this .... I think to have short conversation with her about it to close it like I really appreciate she shared this and I do my best to help her to overcome this or do you think just forget it as it never happened and never open it again???

 

Only discuss it if she does.

Understand she has to go at her own pace. Don't suggest, consider or propose any new things... just be there for her, and be understanding.

 

Was I close in my assumption, in my post?

It's ok. I'm not blaming you if I am correct.

But it's worth considering so you too can work on your own thought-processes.

Apologies if I was not correct....

[Gloria25]

She didn't say sex was going to stop, and otherwise it sounds as though they have a good sex life except for that one act. She also expressed the desire to get over it.

 

I love the "selective" reading of my posts. In my first post on this thread, I said that the if it's only oral sex, it isn't that bad. I gave examples of women who completely stop the sex and/or affection because quite frankly, while now it's only oral sex, it may escalate to "no" sex.

 

I don't fully agree with your first point. People need to get help for their problems if they can't handle them, but healing comes in part THROUGH relationships. You can't really deal with all of your issues with sex in the absence of having sex, unless they're just intellectual issues, which this isn't.

 

But you cannot rely on a "romantic" RL to be your "therapy". Even in the best of marriages and/or RLs, the tools to help someone overcome something (sexual abuse, abuse, military PSTD) isn't adequate and/or enough. That's why there's counselors - professionals - where the victim/sufferer needs to go to - not a bf/gf, spouse, relative, friend, co-worker, etc. A support system is great for anyone facing an adversity - but is not the solution and/or adequate treatment.

 

 

My responses are in bold ^^ above.

[Timshel]

Thanks guys for eye opener .. I realized how stupid I was... She shared with me this - is very difficult to do so , she was kinda apologizing and she tried to do oral sex even she has this bad experience ... I realized how she love me doing this .... I think to have short conversation with her about it to close it like I really appreciate she shared this and I do my best to help her to overcome this or do you think just forget it as it never happened and never open it again???

 

I would say carry on. If she wants to talk about it then if you can handle it, let her talk with you. If she doesn't, she probably won't, then don't. This is one of those things that time and love heals. If she wants therapy then she should talk to a therapist.

 

It sounds like besides bj's that she is having a normal sexual life with you. So she may be slow to offer/give bj's. Can you handle that?

 

To any man with a wife/girlfriend they love, trust me, nothing has happened except there was this one time when......

It does not need to be rape/molestation but there is always something that scared the crap out of them sexually with a man/boy. I do not say this lightly. I am not a person for generalizations.

[autumnnight]

For one, the people who call into my fav podcaster are not actors and/or doing it for sport...

 

And, ask my last FWB, who spent over a decade trying to "fix" his wife and put up with verbal abuse and lack of sexual and/or emotional attention from her for over a decade.

 

I was clear in my post and even applaud people who take steps to heal and move on, but fact is some people don't want to move on...sexual and/or any other abuse.

 

To label the OP and/or other as "insensitive" and/or "cruel", "insulting", "offensive" for stating facts ridiculous.

 

Pedophiles are often victims of sexual abuse and yes, some move on to abuse others. Would you marry someone and risk your kid "in hopes" they don't molest your kid?

 

No, topics like this aren't pretty, but must be discussed w/o labeling a "fact" as insensitivity and/or an offense.

 

And one woman who called my fav podcaster? I applaud her cuz she admitted that before marriage, she was sexual, but now was dredging up her childhood and she didn't believe her husband deserved a cold shoulder and was seeking help. My fav podcaster reminded her that she was safe and to turn to her husband instead of away from him and the young woman was so happy she called. So pleeze, "fact" is, the OP should be aware of the truth that some people cannot move past their abuse. He is not her therapist and he's not qualified and/or responsible for herself and her mental health. He'd be a fool to just think hugs and support will make everything all better.

 

 

Did ya READ the OP? He basically said he thinks it was her fault and she is not damaged goods.

 

THAT is insensitive, and telling him "yeah, you should be worried about her," basically reinforcing her blame in his eyes IS insensitive.

 

Maybe it's just because I do not let a podcaster guide my views, but I just don't get it.

 

I'm out.

[Gloria25]

Thanks guys for eye opener .. I realized how stupid I was... She shared with me this - is very difficult to do so , she was kinda apologizing and she tried to do oral sex even she has this bad experience ... I realized how she love me doing this .... I think to have short conversation with her about it to close it like I really appreciate she shared this and I do my best to help her to overcome this or do you think just forget it as it never happened and never open it again???

 

I think that outside of the bedroom you need to have a frank convo with her about what happened to her and if she got help for it.

 

Just be tactful and sensitive in how you ask and discuss it with her.

 

if/how you should be there for her?

 

Depends on her response to you you. I mean, if she's gotten treatment and besides the oral sex, she's ok then I'm not sure what you need to do then. Now, if she contends she still has issues for her, then ask her what does she want to do about it if it still is an issue for her.

 

Cuz, at the end of the day, it's up to her if she's gonna continue to seek treatment/therapy for it and depending on her response, you gotta make up your mind on what you wanna do about dating her. Cuz, again, going back to my FWB? His ex-wife would complain that sexual intercourse was causing her pain, she had an infection, etc - pretty much anything to avoid sex. When he'd volunteer to "support" her by going to the doctor with her, she blew him off...In other words, she didn't have no infection/pain, etc and wasn't gonna go to any doctor either.

 

Now also, just flat out ask her - "what do you need me to do, cuz I care" and let her tell you. I mean, women usually expect men to read their minds, when men work better with clarity and "instruction". Let her know that you just wanna make sure she has the support she needs and since this is new to you, if she could verbalize what she needs (i.e. hugs, going with her to the therapy) then it would help you to help her.

[Gloria25]

This is one of those things that time and love heals.

 

I'm just curious here...how is "love and time" effective in treating someone who suffered sexual abuse? And how does "love and time" replace therapy, counseling, etc. from a "professional"?

 

A "support system" is great, but it does not replace the professional help many need.

 

Again, I think the message being sent to the OP is that he's Prince Charming and can kiss his gf and all will be well, and I believe that is setting him and other people up for failure.

 

No one is saying all victims of abuse are "damaged goods" and should not be touched with at ten foot pole. But, fact is, sexual abuse isn't something that someone can just rip off like a band-aid and keep it moving. Some people get treatment and/or make up their minds to move on - some don't. To tell the OP it's wrong to "proceed with caution" is setting him up for failure also, IMO.

[deadelvis]

I think every GF I've ever had was a rape victim. Never once was it an issue in our relationship. Sure it affected them and there were things like bumping into their rapist at the supermarket that created stressful situations, but as far as our relationship with each other... there was nothing different from dating a "non-rape-victim". This whole thread is pretty ugly and insensitive. Of course any person who is a victim of a violent crime will have certain baggage, but it never affected our lives, at least not in any significant way. Please refrain from making sweeping generalizations about rape victims or even worse, please try not to place blame on the victims. Keep it classy people. Thanks.

[Gloria25]

I think every GF I've ever had was a rape victim. Never once was it an issue in our relationship. Sure it affected them and there were things like bumping into their rapist at the supermarket that created stressful situations, but as far as our relationship with each other... there was nothing different from dating a "non-rape-victim". This whole thread is pretty ugly and insensitive. Of course any person who is a victim of a violent crime will have certain baggage, but it never affected our lives, at least not in any significant way. Please refrain from making sweeping generalizations about rape victims or even worse, please try not to place blame on the victims. Keep it classy people. Thanks.

 

I'm just curious here. You say every gf you've had was a rape victim? Does that include the gf you post about here as of late with the colorful sexual past and present that keeps you up at nite?

 

To say that the RLs you had with these rape victims was ok, when you post so much about your current gf - who pretty much seems to have sexual behavior that is off the charts of unhealthy if you ask me and farm from a "normal RL".

[Gloria25]

Did ya READ the OP? He basically said he thinks it was her fault and she is not damaged goods.

 

THAT is insensitive, and telling him "yeah, you should be worried about her," basically reinforcing her blame in his eyes IS insensitive.

 

Maybe it's just because I do not let a podcaster guide my views, but I just don't get it.

 

I'm out.

 

I just re-read his post. If you could quote the parts of his post where he was insensitive and/or said she was at "fault" I would appreciate it.

 

This woman is 38. I've never been sexually abused - but mentally and physically abused by my dad. And yes, I see where it may take a while for someone to get on track with the help they need to heal and move on, but I'm going on 39 and still have trust issues. At her age, if she can't get it together and oral sex is still a trigger for her, then yes, I think he should "proceed with caution"

[Gloria25]

I just re-read his post. If you could quote the parts of his post where he was insensitive and/or said she was at "fault" I would appreciate it.

 

This woman is 38. I've never been sexually abused - but mentally and physically abused by my dad. And yes, I see where it may take a while for someone to get on track with the help they need to heal and move on, but I'm going on 39 and still have trust issues. At her age, if she can't get it together and oral sex is still a trigger for her, then yes, I think he should "proceed with caution"

 

Also, on top of the OP's gf being sexually abused. She is 38 and divorced. He needs to also find out why she was divorced. Did it have something to do with the abuse (i.e. intimacy issues)?

 

Look, when we date, we take time to observe the person to see if we're a match (unless you just want companionship, giggles, and good times). If people show red flags, you gotta look into it. To say checking out a red flag is "insensitive" is just wrong.

 

Again, listening to the radio, a woman called in about her husband - who already had one divorce under his belt. He had a low libido and she wanted him to change. Well, she called up his ex and found out she divorced him for the low libido. So, there you go - this guy married two women and subjected them to sexual rejection. You look into reasons for a person's divorce "before" you marry them - not after.

 

So, the OP also needs to find out why she was divorced too.

[deadelvis]

I'm just curious here. You say every gf you've had was a rape victim? Does that include the gf you post about here as of late with the colorful sexual past and present that keeps you up at nite?

 

To say that the RLs you had with these rape victims was ok, when you post so much about your current gf - who pretty much seems to have sexual behavior that is off the charts of unhealthy if you ask me and farm from a "normal RL".

 

Yeah my current GF was raped, twice in fact, and she barely escaped being raped a few years ago. Sure it affected her, but I don't really think it's a factor in our relationship. She had a promiscuous past, perhaps due in part to being raped, but she's also just an experimental person who enjoys trying new things and living life to the fullest. I've dated rape victims who were the opposite, very sexually reserved and shy. The only consistent theme I've noticed with dating women who were raped was:

 

1. They were all raped before the age of 18.

2. They were all attractive

3. They generally came from poor, dysfunctional households (I think this is actually something rapists look for in a victim, girls who have very little parental supervision are often targets)

 

It seems like there's always been a classic profile of the women who get raped as a teen, or maybe that's just been my experience... but they have always been beautiful girls who grew up in a poor neighborhood with parents who were white trash, drug addicts, alcoholics etc. It's the classic scenario a rapist looks for, a pretty girl with bad parents, hanging out on the wrong side of town...

 

Every rape victim I've known fit that profile, except one woman who was just the victim of a random attack while walking home from work.

 

Not trying to make any sweeping generalizations, but just observing the pattern.

[autumnnight]

I'll just say that....he who is without damage cast the first stone.

 

My self-assessment is that as a CSA I have less hangups and more emotional intelligence than a lot of people who haven't been sexually abused.

 

Sometimes people have issues due to abuse. Sometimes they are just tactless and clueless.

[Quiet Storm]

I do hear what Gloria's saying, and I have known many sexual abuse victims that struggle throughout their lives with various issues and emotional problems, and definitely affect their ability to be a good partner/spouse/parent. However, many victims do recover and are emotionally healthy.

 

I don't feel it's blaming the victim if a person chooses not to date someone that has been a victim of trauma/ abuse. We all have limitations and the truth is that some people are just not emotionally equipped to be a supportive partner. My sister had a husband and boyfriends who simply did not have the strength/patience/skills/maturity to cope with issues related to her sexual abuse. They often did more damage then good for her.

 

A victim's resilience and emotional health doesn't guarantee her partner's resilience and emotional health. Sometimes a partner just can't handle their own emotions surrounding the abuse- and this isn't blaming the victim IMO but accepting an incompatibility. In this case, the victim may have no lasting effects other than an aversion to oral sex, but her ability to overcome doesn't mean OP can handle her truth.

[deadelvis]

I do hear what Gloria's saying, and I have known many sexual abuse victims that struggle throughout their lives with various issues and emotional problems, and definitely affect their ability to be a good partner/spouse/parent. However, many victims do recover and are emotionally healthy.

 

I don't feel it's blaming the victim if a person chooses not to date someone that has been a victim of trauma/ abuse. We all have limitations and the truth is that some people are just not emotionally equipped to be a supportive partner. My sister had a husband and boyfriends who simply did not have the strength/patience/skills/maturity to cope with issues related to her sexual abuse. They often did more damage then good for her.

 

A victim's resilience and emotional health doesn't guarantee her partner's resilience and emotional health. Sometimes a partner just can't handle their own emotions surrounding the abuse- and this isn't blaming the victim IMO but accepting an incompatibility. In this case, the victim may have no lasting effects other than an aversion to oral sex, but her ability to overcome doesn't mean OP can handle her truth.

 

 

Ummm... so the conversation would go like this...

 

"I'm leaving you because it's too hard for me dating someone who was sexually abused."

 

That doesn't sound cowardly or pathetic at all. (sarcasm)

[Poppyolive]

My opinion. sexual abuse survivors can move on and heal completely but the abuse still remains part of their story, their life. Just like any major trauma, death of a loved one, childhood experiences etc. All stories, good and bad, everyone has them. Her sharing her story, doesn't necessarily mean she's not healed, nor will she not perform certain sex acts. It simply means its something that is apart of her she wanted to share.

 

Having said this, some people don't heal and need more help.

 

A good friend of mine was sexually abused in her teens, she has worked hard to get through and heal. She views this as a major stepping stone in her life, she, too likes to share her past in new relationships (new, I mean a few months in) just like she would share other milestones.

 

Just a thought.

[Quiet Storm]

Ummm... so the conversation would go like this...

 

"I'm leaving you because it's too hard for me dating someone who was sexually abused."

 

That doesn't sound cowardly or pathetic at all. (sarcasm)

 

It's not about how it sounds, though, it's about the reality of the situation. If a guy is tortured by the thought of his GF being abused, that's his issue and it doesn't help matters to stay with her. It will just create stress for both of them.

 

I've seen this happen with my sister quite a few times. She'd confide in a guy about the abuse and almost immediately he'd change the way he treated her. They didn't seem to value her as much, they'd interrogate her, assume she wouldn't be faithful, etc. They would accept her prior addiction and mental illness, but when the child rape was revealed, they'd obsess over it. They just couldn't handle it. It was pathetic and cowardly, but I'd much rather him leave her than to stay and allow his feelings to put a black cloud over the whole relationship.

 

People have this idea that everyone is emotionally mature and capable of being a positive, supportive, selfless partner if they simply put their minds to it. I just don't think that's true for all of us. Some people can't just say to themselves "It wasn't her fault, she's emotionally stable and healthy, there's nothing to worry about." Some will be bothered by it, and won't have the tools to cope, which will likely affect their attitude towards their partner.

 

My sister has worked so hard to resolve her issues and knows without a doubt that the abuse was not her fault. The last thing she needs is some guy judging her, devaluing her or creating unnecessary drama.

[deadelvis]

well said. I feel that.

[RedRobin]

Well, people need to separate the abuse and the abuser.

 

 

I've never blamed myself for the bad behavior of others. Well, I take that back... I did when I was much younger. At some point, I said. "No. F*ck you." and decided it was their problem, not mine.

 

 

To the extent that some people are still reacting to whatever happened to them, then yes, I'd say they are, um, 'preoccupied'.

 

 

If all this has done has changed her enthusiasm for BJ's, then that seems like super small potatoes. Really nothing in the big scheme of things.

 

 

I've dumped guys for not liking oral sex, and I didn't need a big reason for it.

 

 

She opened up about a negative experience she had with BJ's. Heck, it could be anything. I doubt I'll ever have sex on the beach again, lol. Well maybe, but the sand and no see-ums really suck. Not in Florida at least, haha... stuff just happens as you gain experience in life.

 

 

Seriously? Sincerely thank her for sharing that tough moment for her, then carry on. This really doesn't sound like a huge deal. If having BJs is very important to you, and you love her, then just be patient.

[pteromom]

Of course any person <s>who is a victim of a violent crime </s> will have certain baggage, but it never affected our lives, at least not in any significant way.

 

Fixed that for you.

 

Every person has baggage.

 

Rape, molestation, helicopter parents, absent parents, controlling parents, our relationships with siblings, bullying, disability, abuse, loss...

 

We all have things in our past that molded us into who we are. And we all bring the baggage from those things into our relationships, whether we believe we have "moved on" or not. And we all have "triggers" which can pop up unexpectedly whether or not we believe we have "moved on."

 

For instance, when I was a child, my father was abusive toward animals. It has created a trigger in me where I can respond very negatively even to jokes about hurting animals. ("What's WRONG with you, Ptero? You have no sense of HUMOR!")

 

We ALL have those.

 

And it isn't as simple as going to therapy and getting over it. They are ingrained into who we are; part of our personality.

 

It's the same with sexual abuse. The OP's girlfriend may be able to get to a point where she can give OP oral sex and feel safe and comfortable doing it. She may get to where she never thinks about the rape for years and years. Then one time, there's a certain song playing while she does it, or a certain smell, or something OP says, that just brings it back, crashing into the present, and it will lead to tears and fear and an ugly evening.

 

But is that occasional ugly evening worth discarding a relationship for?

 

It's going to be the same no matter who you date. NO PERSON is baggage-free.

 

For her, it's a BJ. For another woman, it will be making a comment about how she does her chores, or the way she thinks you look at another woman, or fear of aging, or differences in parenting philosophies.

 

There will always be something.

 

Best to acknowledge someone's baggage, so when those occasional ugly nights come, you can be kind and understanding and comforting.

[pteromom]

I was trying to strike through the text "who is a victim of violent crime." How do you do that on this board?

[autumnnight]

I was trying to strike through the text "who is a victim of violent crime." How do you do that on this board?

 

There's a little s with a line through it, and you highlight the text you want to strike through and click that.

 

You make an excellent point about baggage. I was assaulted/abused, and I have to say, my relationship skills were infinitely more normal and developed than my ex, who was brought up to never talk about sex, whose parents had more of a business partnership than a marriage, and who was babied because of his chronic condition.

 

Baggage comes in a lot of brands, not just Samsonite

[pteromom]

There's a little s with a line through it, and you highlight the text you want to strike through and click that.

 

You make an excellent point about baggage. I was assaulted/abused, and I have to say, my relationship skills were infinitely more normal and developed than my ex, who was brought up to never talk about sex, whose parents had more of a business partnership than a marriage, and who was babied because of his chronic condition.

 

Baggage comes in a lot of brands, not just Samsonite

 

Thank you. I didn't see that in the editor. I'll look for it next time.

 

Yes, see. Your ex's baggage ended up causing many more issues in the marriage than yours. That is why those comments about just not getting into relationships with women who have been through sexual abuse are just completely incorrect.