How she left me after 7 years

[Jaggerz]

Hey, I am glad I found these forums so I can hopefully find some comfort and try to move on. I hope this will not turn into a huge TL:DR.

 

I met my girlfriend 7 years ago in high school. When I met her, I had just suffered a break up of a 3 month relationship and I was doing good for a couple of weeks already. I instantly knew I wanted to get to know her and sent her a couple of messages.

 

Within 3 weeks, we were boyfriend and girlfriend and would visit each other 3-4 days a week. We shared stories, watched movies and helped each other with issues. I could tell she was a depressed girl. It took me many months, years even, to stop the negative self image she had. A few times, she has said how if I wasn't there for her before, she wouldn't have been here today. I am very proud I managed to do that for her.

 

We both went to college, different schools, but still visited each other every week, I think the same amount of time really. Messaging each other a lot. We were always there for each other.

 

Sometimes there were issues. For instance, I found that she would pose as other people online and post untruthful stories on a blog, even complete fictional stories where she pretended she broke up with me and was very ok with it, with me crying and all. I found these stories, she broke out crying and asking for forgiveness, and to please not break up with her. and I forgave her.

 

In my last year of college, she told me she wanted me to say "I love you" more. Being a bit of an introvert person, I did say this every now and then, but was fearful of saying it too often. I told her, saying it more often doesn't make it more powerful, and that I really love her with all my heart.

 

I guess I didn't show it enough, because a few weeks later I received a message asking if she could come over. Happily I opened the door, and then she told me she was breaking up with me. I was shocked, but I kind of predicted she'd be back within 24 hours begging me to take her back.

 

That following day, I started doubting myself. I was depressed. I couldn't believe she was gone. Then, out of the blue, there she was again. In front of my house, just over 24 hours. She had gone to college, but returned home because she needed me back. I happily agreed to try again and we had a few more good years. I made it through college and found a job.

 

9 months ago, she said she'd like to live with me. We looked for an apartment and found one quickly. We moved in and life looked really good for me.

 

Sadly, for her it started to slip just a few weeks ago. I had not come on a few holidays abroad with her, which I regret a lot. One time, she came to me when I was watching TV, asking me: "Are you really happy like this? Can you go on like this?" And I am a fool for not acting on that. I wish, WISH I saw that I wasn't doing enough for her. But I decided to slowly do more for her and hopefully she'd feel better later.

 

This past week, she had been unhappy. I could see it in her eyes. She had no stories to tell me and barely messaged me on facebook during work. I figured she had a hard time at work since she had to make long boring days.

 

This saturday, she came home telling me a story about her work. She took a shower and came out of the bathroom completely dressed. Usually she would not do this. I followed her to ask what was up, and was shocked to see she had packed a suitcase with her clothes. I told her, please, not to go, but she said we had been living past each other for the last couple of weeks and that she has to think if she still wants this. And so, she left and went to her parents...

 

I was literally sick with stress. I was throwing up, I couldn't eat. I felt cold while soaking my shirt with sweat. I told her that evening through text message to please come and talk the next day. She agreed.

 

Her agreeing to talking to me made me optimistic. I guessed that I still had a tiny shot of making this all right. I came up with things I really wanted to dedicate myself to. Taking her to the movies every week, go swimming, visiting her song shows, go to the birthdays of her family more.

 

She came by and I completely lost it when I saw her. I tried to explain in tears that I do truly love her, and that I thought about ways we could improve this. And that we can make it if we both really fight for it. I explained my plans.

 

But she didn't want this anymore. She said, that the feelings she had for me, were no longer romantic, but like caring for someone a lot. She said she had considered the day before to give it another go, but that she realised that she would stay more for me than for her. And thus decided to live with her parents, but that she did want to keep in touch with me.

 

I am completely blown away. I knew in a way, that we would never end up together forever due to how we saw the future, but I had hoped it would still be OK for another few years. I am completely depressed, sick, I keep throwing up. I can't eat. I keep thinking, what if I did go on those holidays? What if I did say "I love you" every single day?

 

I gave her one final kiss and then she told me to close the door. She went back to her parents and is collecting her stuff while I am at work. She said that I can send her messages whenever, and that she still wants to do things with me... But I don't know... I feel like it will never happen.

 

I hope you could give me some insight and comments on how to move on from this.

[coryreply]

Sorry you're going through this, bro. Breakups are hard, especially when you've been together for that amount of time.

 

What's your plan for coping with this? Are you going NC?

[Jaggerz]

Sorry you're going through this, bro. Breakups are hard, especially when you've been together for that amount of time.

 

What's your plan for coping with this? Are you going NC?

 

Thank you.

 

I have been struggling today. My plan was to go to work so she could come and collect her most needed stuff. But in the morning, I still felt sick and depressed. I realised I could not go, and when I walked around, the emptiness in the apartment caused a meltdown. So much regret.

 

I sent her a message very formal saying that I am sick and staying in, because she wanted to come when I wasn't in, so it wasn't all too confronting.

 

Then, I knew I couldn't get through this alone... So I invited a friend and wanted to explain what happened just to get it out there. I broke down crying before I could even start. The same thing happened with my parents when I told them.

 

My plan is indeed to go NC for as long as it's needed. I like the NC method because of two reasons. It will help me get over this and make me healthy living on my own, and although I am not pursuing this and only a distant hope, maybe she will realise that we can still work things out and still be together.

 

So yeah, NC and I will focus on my running and my job... I don't expect her to contact me anymore but I would take her back in a heartbeat.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, OP. I have been in your shoes and it's awful.

But with time, it does get better. You've just had an incredible shock to your system and you need time to process it. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like shutting off from the world for a day, do it. Be kind to yourself.

 

I have a feeling she's been checking out for a while. Creating fake personas and making up break-up fantasies is disturbing and should have been a huge indicator that something wasn't right. How did you find this out, and what was her explanation for it? I find that very odd and also very telling of her emotional health. I don't think this is related to you missing out on some trips. You could have perhaps been more open emotionally, but I'm not sure that would have changed anything here.

 

You are both still quite young. Unfortunately, these first-love-type relationships don't often last forever. The good news is that when you are good and ready, you will be able to allow a special woman into your life and you'll be well-equipped to spot potential red flags. Your ex displayed quite a few.

[Jaggerz]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, OP. I have been in your shoes and it's awful.

But with time, it does get better. You've just had an incredible shock to your system and you need time to process it. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like shutting off from the world for a day, do it. Be kind to yourself.

 

I have a feeling she's been checking out for a while. Creating fake personas and making up break-up fantasies is disturbing and should have been a huge indicator that something wasn't right. How did you find this out, and what was her explanation for it? I find that very odd and also very telling of her emotional health. I don't think this is related to you missing out on some trips. You could have perhaps been more open emotionally, but I'm not sure that would have changed anything here.

 

You are both still quite young. Unfortunately, these first-love-type relationships don't often last forever. The good news is that when you are good and ready, you will be able to allow a special woman into your life and you'll be well-equipped to spot potential red flags. Your ex displayed quite a few.

 

Those were from a few years ago. She did display some others a few weeks ago, making compromising pictures of herself and then lying about it... It caused some dip in trust because she kept denying it until Sunday when she said she did it to feel better. I wish she came clean earlier so I would have treated her better.

 

She was also always hiding food... Under the bed, in her drawers. I kept telling her to clean it up or just put it in the food cabinet. But it was more of a secret to her and she told me to stop looking under the bed.

 

Today I threw up again, but nothing came out. I must have not eaten a lot... but I never feel hungry, just sick.

 

She sent me a few messages about that her work area will be in the news and for me not to worry. I just said ok and that I'll be at work today. Just need to sustain the NC. She asked if I was ok but I haven't replied. She's collecting some stuff later.

[Qboro90]

From what you wrote it sounds like you have never gone through a substantial period of time being single and have relied on relationships far too heavily to dictate your happiness. You met her in high school after a 3 month relationship ( 3 months in high school isn't a relationship if you ask me but that's besides the point) . You dated through college despite rarely being together in person. She displayed a bunch on odd behavior with the online fantasy lives and blogs and went hot and cold towards you a few times. I see your relationship as being more of one that lasted because you were both comfortable with each other and because you met so young , each of you was so used to being bf/gf with the other , that anything else seemed scary and unfamiliar to do.

 

You yourself said that you didn't see your relationship working out in the long run and you didn't think you'd marry her because of your difference in views. Yet you thought you'd at least get "a couple more years of dating together". Sorry to be blunt but what the heck were you still doing with this girl if you knew you weren't going to marry her?! 7 years together and you're just dating her because she's familiar and you're too worried to be on your own. That is something you seriously need to look into because I fear that you've built dependency issues and self insecurities of being alone up so much at this point that any break up will be crippling to you which is showing now with this one.

 

I fail to see why you want her back if there is no long term future with her. You really need to learn how to be happy on your own and rely on yourself before you should begin dating anyone else. You've never had to as an adult seeing as you've been with this girl since you were 17/18.

[Craftydre]

You this going so good ! Notice how the first time you guys break up you didn't contact her and she showed up the next day ? Whenever you cry and plead for a girl to come back she won't come back even if she wants too because she feels like she's put on a pedestal, knows you are suffering and feels control. You need to go No Contact. Her making you feel like you didn't show enugh affection is a ploy to make you weak and vulnerable and when you become weak and vulnerable she loses respect for you. You can't show more affection after break up. You must wait until she comes back and if you guys get back together this time say I love you more and show a little more affection. Just a tad bit don't get all sobby and teary eyed about it and needy. Show romance as a man and not a woman. Be cool, calm and in control if you go no contact she will contact to u again

 

Also she has left you twice already.

I would suggest telling her this and saying you need space to think wen she comes back because this will drive he r crazy and chase you and also know to not just leaving you unless she means it otherwise she knows youll always take her back. She left you twice, yo u shouldn't be pleading and begging, she is the one who messed up

Edited August 18, 2015 by Craftydre

[Chi townD]

She sent me a few messages about that her work area will be in the news and for me not to worry. I just said ok and that I'll be at work today. Just need to sustain the NC. She asked if I was ok but I haven't replied. She's collecting some stuff later.

 

 

Okay, then you're not in NC. When she texts you, you don't answer. If she has things at your place, collect it ALL up ad give it to a mutual friend to give to her or drop it off at her parents place when you know she won't be there.

 

 

And you need to block her on ALL of your social media. Complete blackout.

[Jaggerz]

Okay, then you're not in NC. When she texts you, you don't answer. If she has things at your place, collect it ALL up ad give it to a mutual friend to give to her or drop it off at her parents place when you know she won't be there.

 

 

And you need to block her on ALL of your social media. Complete blackout.

 

Yeah but the thing is that she was supposed to collect her things while I was at work and I had been sick. I was not happy about the messages as it didn't inform me about anything useful but I can't properly start before she collects her things and leaves the key. So I decided to stay as short and formal as possible and kept it at that.

 

Qboro, I completely agree with you. I realise I have been following emotions rather than logics over the past few days. Today I went to work again and I feel so much better now. I still have a very long and hard battle in front of me, but I'll take any progress I can get. For the first time in a few days I laughed and ate again. About the 'why were you still with this girl'.. I loved her and hoped that if I matured more, I'd see things differently and that I would be with her forever. Also, in the past few months/weeks, I had started running, improving myself, trying to get more in shape as I started to get a little fat. I think this decision caused a bigger snowball than I had ever thought of, as I was away more in the evenings when she wanted to spend time with me, I no longer went along to her parents because all they served was fat food, which would undo my progress. Basically my plans for self improvement clashed with her ways... Visiting her family and just spending time by watching netflix or whatever.

 

To craftydre, she actually came by because I asked to talk when it was not yet over. I don't expect her ever to return and I want to properly start NC ASAP. IF she does return... I just don't know what I would do. I think my feelings would say yes but my brain no. And that's a hard decision... but one I probably will not have to make, so for now I just focus on recovery.

Edited August 18, 2015 by Jaggerz

[Jaggerz]

Yesterday after work I went for a long run. The running event that was just a side goal before, is now pretty much my main focus. I ran further and faster than ever before, in the dark and the pouring rain.

 

Sleeping was so hard in the past few days but last night I slept pretty well. I still think of her every moment, and every possible outcome has already played out in my mind. I am finding a lot of comfort in friends, who tell me this isn't all bad and that I will see that in some time. I think she's collecting her stuff while I am at work. Let's hope she takes as much of her stuff as she can so I can move on and accept me living alone with just my things.

[Jaggerz]

I've been feeling much better. The initial shock was a hard one. When I noticed that she had picked up some of her stuff it felt sad, but no tears were shed.

 

She left me some of her movies that I liked and for some weird reason left me some snacks in the fridge. This kind of confused me, but the weirdest thing was that she had left a few long messages basically saying how she picked up some things and how she thinks of me a lot, hopes I am ok and that she feels really guilty. I didn't respond and went on with my day.

[emi]

Hi

I hope you are doing well. It happes to all of us atleast once in life so you arent alone, even it feels like it.

Im not sure what to say but what done is done. There is nothing to do. But 7 years is a long time, im sorry it didnt go anywhere.

You felt guilty because you wondered what if you have had told her i love you more and gone on the vacation are perfectly normal. We all blame ourself when we got dumped because anyway, we didnt dump them right?

Having stayed with you for that long she should have known what kind of person you are. Not that end thing because " i love you" and stuffs.

You should keep posting here, it will help.

 

 

Anyway i dont know how about you but making up stories and things online and hiding food is way too creepy for me. I would have had run. So yea maybe one day you can thanks your lucky star.

[Jaggerz]

Hi

I hope you are doing well. It happes to all of us atleast once in life so you arent alone, even it feels like it.

Im not sure what to say but what done is done. There is nothing to do. But 7 years is a long time, im sorry it didnt go anywhere.

You felt guilty because you wondered what if you have had told her i love you more and gone on the vacation are perfectly normal. We all blame ourself when we got dumped because anyway, we didnt dump them right?

Having stayed with you for that long she should have known what kind of person you are. Not that end thing because " i love you" and stuffs.

You should keep posting here, it will help.

 

 

Anyway i dont know how about you but making up stories and things online and hiding food is way too creepy for me. I would have had run. So yea maybe one day you can thanks your lucky star.

 

Thank you. I have found a lot of comfort in these posts and the people around me. It helps me face all the facts, also the negative ones that I wouldn't have remembered would I have been alone. Initially, I felt alone in the world and betrayed by my only trusted companion. Now, I see both sides of the coin, and I have to admit I should never have tolerated those weird behaviours. I think I was just afraid of being completely alone.

 

Haven't heard anything from her today nor did I try to contact her. I had a bit of a ****ty day but it was all work related. I will keep posting here... maybe some day this will help someone and that would already be worth writing this all down for.

[NoLeafClover]

Hang in there man. I was in a 7 yr relationship too few yrs ago..it wasn't easy but just keep your dignity and your head up. It is not your fault she left. You are to make each other happy not only you making her happy.

Whatever her reason is, do not make this as if it is all your fault. You are going through a break up and this is simply part of the emotional roller coaster.

For me sleeping was hard as well but was the only thing I looked forward after work and coming back home and having to think of her.

[Jaggerz]

I go through these weird phases now. I will feel completely fine with myself for hours, mainly when I'm just busy. Then the next few hours, I will think of her constantly and feel depressed again. Still no contact from either side and apparently she hasn't collected more stuff.

 

I try to think from her view... Leaving the apartment, lots of her stuff.. leaving it all behind. Is she happy there, at her parents place? I don't know. I am lonely here, and she might be lonely there... even though I think she is just meeting her friend more now just to cope.

[Jaggerz]

It is now over a full week that she left. Nothing else has changed. Lots of her stuff are still here waiting to be collected while I'm at work. After the initial few 'breadcrumbs' in which she was trying to get rid of her own guilt, when I didn't respond she took the hint and never sent anything else. I do believe she has no ill intentions with these messages but it would be better for me if she doesn't send more.

 

Still, I very much wonder how she is doing. I wonder if she sleeps ok or has been sad or crying at all. However, I am a pessimist, and tend to assume that she just went '**** it' after the breadcrumb texts and just went on with her day.

 

The more I think about this inevitable moment we will see each other again, the more I am sure that I have to turn her down if she wants to go back. It breaks my heart, because at this point I want nothing more than rewind time a few months back to when we were still happy... But if I take her back, the same thing will happen down the line, and my friends and family will not agree with this choice either.

[Jaggerz]

Ugh. Today she messaged me. She said she hopes I am doing well and that she wants to get together soon to talk about the apartment and money. But that we can also do it through text if I prefer.

 

I simply texted her to transfer whatever she owes me and to get her stuff ASAP and leave the keys. I don't want her to message me anymore and getting together for stuff like this even less. I deleted her on facebook already and hope that soon she leaves me alone to heal.

[NoLeafClover]

Ugh. Today she messaged me. She said she hopes I am doing well and that she wants to get together soon to talk about the apartment and money. But that we can also do it through text if I prefer.

 

I simply texted her to transfer whatever she owes me and to get her stuff ASAP and leave the keys. I don't want her to message me anymore and getting together for stuff like this even less. I deleted her on facebook already and hope that soon she leaves me alone to heal.

Good job man. You handled it well. Short and on point. Do not show her any emotions cause as soon as you do she will be crappier to you.

[Jaggerz]

Good job man. You handled it well. Short and on point. Do not show her any emotions cause as soon as you do she will be crappier to you.

 

Thanks. I didnt want to reply but figured if I didn't she would be on the doorstep next week to get it settled... I showed no form of emotion at all even though she has asked how I am doing multiple times. It should be a big question mark for her except if she found this site, lol.

 

In a way it breaks my heart that I am doing all this. Deleting her, ignoring her 'breadcrumb' texts. But I need to remind myself that SHE did this, not me. Throwing 7 years away. You drag a girl through her depressions, knife between the teeth, this is what you get in the end... Being alone in your apartment, feeling like someone stole some of your organs.

[Jaggerz]

Oh my god. I am furious. Steam from my ears. I got a text in which she's claiming I owe her 3000 euros. This is what I get for being there for her for 7 years.

 

Her request is laughable. She says she spent it all on furniture. How she had 3000 euros before we moved in together and that it is gone now. All of the furniture combined doesn't even surpass 500 bucks and I paid for most of it.

 

I sent a text back saying I didn't rob her account and that she should stop throwing around these random numbers. This is completely ridiculous. It's as if she wants to suck me dry. What the actual F. She actually owes me over a thousand bucks on the last 3 times of rent and there she is claiming I should throw 3 K at her. **** life man.

[Oregon_Dude]

Her request is laughable.

Focus on this. I know you're angry right now, but you're dealing with a laughable human being. Don't engage her further at all, and try to laugh at how unreasonable and crappy she is.

[coryreply]

What's the latest, bro? How are you doing?

[Jaggerz]

What's the latest, bro? How are you doing?

 

Hey! Thanks for the interest.

 

It's been two weeks. I still find myself thinking of her each day, but I don't feel like that hurts, since we've been together for so long that basically every memory of the last few years includes her. I can tell stories of what we did together to co workers and still have a smile on my face. On the other hand, I can now see why it might be a good thing we are no longer together, since my path is diverging in a whole other direction now. I am buying an apartment in city closer to my work, something I wouldn't have done if she was still with me, as that would've been too big of a step. Renting is a bit easier

 

I've picked up a lot of things. Of course work and running have been a big help on clearing my head, and it's still very much a focus. A month from now is the big running event. Tonight I am going to a party with a new friend and I even started talking to some girls, but nothing serious (yet?).

 

I haven't talked to her since the money issues were resolved. Some of her stuff is still here but I am not bothered by it, she'll pick it up soon enough.

[SSJROMANCE]

This is tough but you WILL survive. I think the problem was that you two were so young when you got together and pretty much were married at the end - she just wasn't ready. It happens. Let her go and if it's meant to be she will come back.

 

I have a similar story as yours. We met in high school - she was 14 I was 16. We dated for 8 years. We had our bad days but for the most part things were great. She was suicidal and very clingy to me which made things very difficult for me at times especially in college. There were many times I should have left but I always stuck it out for her worrying about what would happen to her if I left. After 8 years of dating she had things pretty good. We were living together I had a job and was supporting her. My parents were paying for her schooling and she was driving my new red sports car to school. She had lots of friends and little worries in life (so I thought).

 

Then something changed. We started fighting a lot and I didn't understand why. Nothing made sense. She started staying late at school. She left a few times to see her mom. The last time she left to see her it was suppose to be for a couple of days. After 2 weeks without a word I called and asked her when she was moving her stuff out. I knew it was over. The next day while I was at work she cleaned me out. All her stuff was gone and some of mine. I didn't know exactly what went wrong but it took several months (if not years) and a new girlfriend to fully recover. I used to play the same songs over and over thinking about her and now to this day when I hear these songs my emotions jump back in time when it happened.

 

Anywho after 18 years I finally got closure. I found her and asked what happened. She met an old friend from high school and they hit it off (I think there were more guys but she didn't admit it). She hit that point in her life where she wanted to see what else was out there. She threw everything away for that. I had so many opportunities to leave her with her being so jealous and suicidal but I hung in there for HER. But now when SHE is ready to move on instead of breaking up she is cheating on me behind my back. She had a hard life after me and I'm not sorry for her one bit.

 

So buddy it could be worse. It ALWAYS could be worse. She could have been cheating on you instead of coming forward and being honest. You have to at least give her credit for that and I'm sure you do. Hang in there. There are plenty of fish in the ocean. In time you will heal but in the meantime enjoy your freedom while you have it.

Edited August 29, 2015 by SSJROMANCE

[Jaggerz]

This is tough but you WILL survive. I think the problem was that you two were so young when you got together and pretty much were married at the end - she just wasn't ready. It happens. Let her go and if it's meant to be she will come back.

 

I have a similar story as yours. We met in high school - she was 14 I was 16. We dated for 8 years. We had our bad days but for the most part things were great. She was suicidal and very clingy to me which made things very difficult for me at times especially in college. There were many times I should have left but I always stuck it out for her worrying about what would happen to her if I left. After 8 years of dating she had things pretty good. We were living together I had a job and was supporting her. My parents were paying for her schooling and she was driving my new red sports car to school. She had lots of friends and little worries in life (so I thought).

 

Then something changed. We started fighting a lot and I didn't understand why. Nothing made sense. She started staying late at school. She left a few times to see her mom. The last time she left to see her it was suppose to be for a couple of days. After 2 weeks without a word I called and asked her when she was moving her stuff out. I knew it was over. The next day while I was at work she cleaned me out. All her stuff was gone and some of mine. I didn't know exactly what went wrong but it took several months (if not years) and a new girlfriend to fully recover. I used to play the same songs over and over thinking about her and now to this day when I hear these songs my emotions jump back in time when it happened.

 

Anywho after 18 years I finally got closure. I found her and asked what happened. She met an old friend from high school and they hit it off (I think there were more guys but she didn't admit it). She hit that point in her life where she wanted to see what else was out there. She threw everything away for that. I had so many opportunities to leave her with her being so jealous and suicidal but I hung in there for HER. But now when SHE is ready to move on instead of breaking up she is cheating on me behind my back. She had a hard life after me and I'm not sorry for her one bit.

 

So buddy it could be worse. It ALWAYS could be worse. She could have been cheating on you instead of coming forward and being honest. You have to at least give her credit for that and I'm sure you do. Hang in there. There are plenty of fish in the ocean. In time you will heal but in the meantime enjoy your freedom while you have it.

 

Thank you for your story. It does sound similar, as I also stuck in the relationship even at times when I thought that it would be better for ME to break it off. I've never felt bad to sacrifice myself just to fix something.

 

The funny thing is that if she comes back, I will not take her back. She walked out on the relationship twice. I have seen that it is probably better this way. It does not take away all of the heartbreak and you still think of the what if's, but it's just for the best. I can move on alone, go on a hunt again, everyone says I'm so young and I agree. Why not play for a bit longer and see where I end up.

 

18 years? Wow. I'm glad that I instantly got closure as to why it got broken off. I am grateful that she didn't pull a fast one, too bad I have to pass on being friends, because I already know it won't end well