Dumper's Mentality:

[Liono84]

Hey guys, I wanted to get some feedback on those of you have been the Dumper on some of what's going through my head; I'm about 3 weeks in from a 10.5 month relationship, and although I'm doing better than the first few days, it still hurts like hell. I find myself much better when I go out on the weekends with friends or when I'm at the gym but aside from those two instances, I fall back right where I started and think about her non-stop. It's like 1 step forward and 3 steps backs. So here's a few questions that I have for Dumpers;

 

1) If a dumpee's pain level is on a 10, what is a Dumper's pain level on, if any?

2) Why/how do Dumpers move on so damn quickly, while you're still processing what just happened and are grieving?

3) At what point do Dumpers start having feelings of regret, usually and how strong does that feeling of regret have to be for them to take action and contact you?

 

I deleted all contact with my ex (phone # and all social media), but we have many mutual friends and they told me stuff regarding her recent FB/Instagram activity. On many of her pics, she looked more beautiful than ever and she's been going out. She didn't post many selfies of herself when we we're going out, but she's now been posting more than a few. I told them to please not inform me anymore on her whereabouts because it hurt me looking at it.

 

My biggest hurdle in the NC rule is not the NC because I'm strong enough to resist. (Plus, I've deleted her number). My biggest hurdle is letting go of the thought and hope that she will contact me.

 

-Sincerely,

A broken heart

Edited August 16, 2015 by Liono84
grammar

[Meli22]

Think it all depends on the reasons of the break up. Some may feel a lot of pain, others just feel relief. As for them coming back and if they do, one of mine came back 9 months later. It all depends but don't use that as hope because some don't come back at all. And they usually move on quickly because they've prepared for the break up whereas it's blindsided the dumpee.

[Yummm]

Hi there

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Stay strong!

 

I can't offer you advice as a Dumper as I have only been dumped & broken hearted 3 months ago. The first month was hell, the second was also bad but easier, and month 3 is alot better.

 

What I can tell you is that you're already very strong at sticking to NC, stay at it, it's the most beneficial way you can move on right now. It gives you the chance to think logically instead of emotionally and gets you off that 'drug' which is your ex. You are only 3 weeks into your breakup, your emotions are all over the place and what you are feeling is completely normal.

 

Letting go takes some time, and it really does help with NC, you need to acknowledge that the relationship is over and that you are worth more. You will once again find somebody else who loves you. This time is about you! NOT her. Process all the thoughts in your head, they will pass, try not to dwell on them.

 

You can see that by breaking NC (looking at her pictures for example) still effects you and sets you back, this should prove to you that you must stay NC nomatter how hard the urge is.

 

Sending you positive energy! Keep posting your emotions and i'm sure you'll get some good answers to your questions here.

[xpaperxcutx]

They really dont feel anything because they have had sufficient time before the breakup to sort through their though process for why breaking up with you is a positive as opposed to negative. The only thing that they will feel is guilt for hurting you and being the bad person, but that's nothing compared to the pain you are feeling now.

 

What you need to work on is to move to a stage of indifference. Follow the 5 stages of grief and eventually you will come out of this alive and a much better person.

[PrettyEmily77]

First of all, I'm sorry you're feeling hurt, OP.

 

Secondly, I don't think dumpers have a particular 'mentality'. I left 3 LTRs, the first one b/c we outgrew each other and it was quite clear we didn't the same things in life, the sevond b/c his paranoia, jealousy and fears of abondonment made our lives impossible, the third b/c he was putting me down verbally and would often compare me to his varoous exes tp make me feel bad. Either I wasn't picky enough, or I disregarded obvious red flags but I acted as quickly as poss when I saw the incompatibilities were too big to overcome. In my mind, breaking up was the only possible option in Rs I knew were not gonna work out for either of us, not just me. I felt really awful, sad, guilty, thought I'd acted too rah but in my heart, I knew they were the right decisions at the time.

 

Dumpers don't set out to hurt ppl in the main; when the R isn't working for one of the parties involved, it's simply not working full stop. If they do give reasons as to why they are leaving, please don't discard it completely, unless they were abusive / cheating, etc.

 

Hope this won't come across as too harsh, and that you'll feel better soon.

Edited August 16, 2015 by PrettyEmily77

[Holmes85]

Hey guys, I wanted to get some feedback on those of you have been the Dumper on some of what's going through my head; I'm about 3 weeks in from a 10.5 month relationship, and although I'm doing better than the first few days, it still hurts like hell. I find myself much better when I go out on the weekends with friends or when I'm at the gym but aside from those two instances, I fall back right where I started and think about her non-stop. It's like 1 step forward and 3 steps backs. So here's a few questions that I have for Dumpers;

 

1) If a dumpee's pain level is on a 10, what is a Dumper's pain level on, if any?

2) Why/how do Dumpers move on so damn quickly, while you're still processing what just happened and are grieving?

3) At what point do Dumpers start having feelings of regret, usually and how strong does that feeling of regret have to be for them to take action and contact you?

 

I deleted all contact with my ex (phone # and all social media), but we have many mutual friends and they told me stuff regarding her recent FB/Instagram activity. On many of her pics, she looked more beautiful than ever and she's been going out. She didn't post many selfies of herself when we we're going out, but she's now been posting more than a few. I told them to please not inform me anymore on her whereabouts because it hurt me looking at it.

 

My biggest hurdle in the NC rule is not the NC because I'm strong enough to resist. (Plus, I've deleted her number). My biggest hurdle is letting go of the thought and hope that she will contact me.

 

-Sincerely,

A broken heart

 

Liono84,

 

This is my own personal opinion on the matter, there are just two type of dumpers.

 

- A Mature One

 

and an

 

- Immature One

 

What does a Mature dumper do?

 

They try to fix things, try to communicate the problems in the relationship, talk to their partner, act as a team, they think long and hard before pulling the trigger, they understand what a "breakup" really means, it means that you no longer want the person to be in your life anymore, they cut all communication and never look back. Although they do have a soft spot for the dumpee and are sometimes willing to take the dumpee back if they have changed their (wrong) ways. But most of the time the old habits die hard, so the dumper leaves with a heavy heart after exhausting every option left.

 

What does an Immature dumper do?

 

They don't know what a breakup means, they think they can still be friends, they want you to wait on the sidelines and wait for them, while they have all the fun, you are sitting alone at home, getting your memories haunted, while they are having the time of their life. Time to time they communicate to you, to see "how you are doing", sometimes it's guilt that's asking them to communicate, sometimes they want to see if you are really doing fine without them, all the wrong reasons you can think of applies here. They quickly jump relationships or leave stable relationships due to the fact they are bored and need some excitement, the reasons they use to breakup are so abysmal, makes you question the entire relationship.

 

They date around, try the greener pastures, once they get their fill onto to the "next", drama, chasing...as long as it takes for them to realise, that what were they thinking, why did they throw out something that was good for them to follow this miserable dreams, false dreams and false hopes that are placed by society, group of friends they have, since they all are doing it, then it must be good and normal.

 

This continues for a while till the reality hits them tenfold, that's when they start realising their mistakes, thats when they start to question, that is also when most of you start hearing from your Ex'es.

 

I was together with my Ex-Girlfriend for 2 years. She ditched me to try a relationship with another guy who she perceived better, a year later I get an E-Mail from her, her wanting to "catch up" with me, I asked her directly that what she wishes to achieve by getting in contact with me, her reply was "nothing" she just wanted to see how I am thats all. 3 weeks later she gets into another relationship.

 

Her so called winner "friends" are telling her that this new guy is the best thing since slice bread. Ironically they also told her the same for the last guy as well.

 

The bottom line is this, an immature dumper leaves you with a lot of questions, most of the times they leave the door open "if" they want to get back together with you.

 

You can save yourself from all the heartbreak and the drama by coming to terms that you were with someone immature, you take time for yourself and improve any aspect of your life that you can.

 

Once you have your head together, you go out and find some who is worthy of you, who compliments your life, who doesn't cause drama, who doesn't need to be "fixed" and last but not the least, they know what they want, don't judge them by what they say, always judge people from their actions, because words nowadays mean nothing, action speaks louder than words.

 

Now let me answer your 3 questions:

 

1) If a dumpee's pain level is on a 10, what is a Dumper's pain level on, if any?

 

A Dumpers level does not surface until they realise their mistake, it can take months or years to realise their mistake (if you were good to them, their was no abuse or cheating involved, basically the relationship was just fine).

 

2) Why/how do Dumpers move on so damn quickly, while you're still processing what just happened and are grieving?

 

Many times they have someone lined up, which serves as a distraction. Things that tend to happen quickly also have the tendency of burning down as quickly.

 

3) At what point do Dumpers start having feelings of regret, usually and how strong does that feeling of regret have to be for them to take action and contact you?

 

When their life isn't going as planned, when their good time friends screw them over, when their bad decision start getting caught with them, when they get their hearts broken, thats when most of the time they reach out to you. They at first are too proud to admit that they want you back, but eventually some cave in and some just live in shame and try to live with it.

 

This is the reason why it is important, that you do not wait around for a person like that, because you never know when are they going to see the "light" and many times, when it happens, you are either indifferent towards them and don't want them back or have found someone better.

[aloneinaz]

I've ended most of my LTR's including my only marriage. I also agree that dumpers intent is not to HURT people though we know it will cause pain. I was always very kind and gentle during the conversation with them. I'm friends with most of them now, years later of FB.

 

 

In all my cases of ending a relationship, I simply didn't believe there was long term compatibility. After the honeymoon phase ended and both parties "let there hair down" and are no longer on their best behavior, is when you know. You see their true personalities and get a better feel for long term.

 

 

After the honeymoon phase ended, is when I usually made my decision to end it. As the others have stated, these decisions are well thought out before the person gets the news. I usually felt relief after I ended the R/S. I was emotionally detached and was already looking forward. I knew I'd never want to date them again. Other than stopping by the first girls place a month after I dumped her for a possible booty call ( I was young), I never went out with them again. My mind set was always to free them up so they could find someone else that they could connect with long term.

 

 

I was dumped from my last R/S. It was a very toxic/dysfunctional mess that I should of ended. When she ended it, I was DONE. I vanished from her life. She simply wasn't a decent person. She did come back 6 months later, apologizing all over herself for her behavior and wanted me back. I'd moved on to my now GF. I'd NEVER date her again.

[jen1447]

I left 3 LTRs, the first one b/c we outgrew each other and it was quite clear we didn't the same things in life, the sevond b/c his paranoia, jealousy and fears of abondonment made our lives impossible, the third b/c he was putting me down verbally and would often compare me to his varoous exes tp make me feel bad.

Wow Em - you covered all the bases!

 

1) If a dumpee's pain level is on a 10, what is a Dumper's pain level on, if any?

Like was said above, there's too much variation to gauge this with numbers, but suffice it to say that the type of dumper notwithstanding, their highest potential pain level can't come close to that of a dumpee.

 

2) Why/how do Dumpers move on so damn quickly, while you're still processing what just happened and are grieving?

Many dumper's appear to move on quickly bc (as stated above) they have a head start and have already been moving on by the time the dumpee finds out about it, and also dumpees generally lose a tremendous amount of value in a dumper's eyes, and it's just not that difficult to let go of sth you don't care about.

 

3) At what point do Dumpers start having feelings of regret, usually and how strong does that feeling of regret have to be for them to take action and contact you?

Probably most never really do have strong feelings of regret. Some may feel sorry for hurting the dumpee, others not really, but I don't think most ultimately regret the decision. The world's their oyster and they're too busy looking forward to worry much about the past. (Nevermind that you're back there in a bloody heap on the side of the road - relationship roadkill. )

[candie13]

 

My biggest hurdle in the NC rule is not the NC because I'm strong enough to resist. (Plus, I've deleted her number). My biggest hurdle is letting go of the thought and hope that she will contact me.

 

That's what's the hardest part. It all depends on how and why your RS ended. If it ended because of a lie or another person, if it was a slow death versus an unexpected one.

 

As a dumper, I usually see it coming. My partners usually do too, but I end up doing the hard job - breaking up. I've had two difficult break ups - the one with my ex bf of 7 years and the latest one, with a guy whom I've dated for less than 6 months.

 

I knew my ex of 7 years wasn't ready to commit or settle down, yet he really really didn't want me to leave. I had waited for the ring for a year and when I understood he was terrified, I decided to end it. He was shocked, asked for more time - but sadly, I was DONE waiting. He even came with a ring, which was terrible, because I knew he wasn't ready to commit at all. I didn't want to f*ck up his life and mine and take it. I want my partner to believe in our RS and be just as crazy about starting a new life together with me as I am. So that was really tough, because his family blamed me for the break up, he blamed me for the break up, I was the bad person... I'll never stay with a guy for a ring, unfortunately, but I can tell you, it took me almost 2 months until I've decided to stop answering all the phones, all the emails from everyone... It took me years to get rid of the guilt and to get rid of all the questions and sadness.

 

That was the longest most painful breakup I've ever experienced - and it was my fault, for I had allowed it to take that extent. I had seen if coming for a year, it took me 3-4 months to actually bring myself to say it to him and for him to understand it was truly over and 2 other months to go fully NC.

 

The other type of break up is what I call the "express type" - I've never seen it coming . Like not for a second. Not even imagined it. We had plans for the summer, I had met his family, he was about to meet mine when the most recent ex said he didn't believe he ever wanted to re-marry. It was news to me, as we had discussed about it and I had had a different version a few months earlier. To me, compatibility when it comes to values and lifestyle are the most important ones. Reliability. Consistency. Considering that I had already waited for 1 year with the guy before, hearing from this guy "I'm not sure I ever wanna remarry" was like a ghost from the past reappearing before me. I've listened to his arguments - which frankly sucked - left home and broke up with him the next day, canceling all the flights, reservations and holidays.

 

I was beyond hurt and angry. Obviously, everyone has the right to their own opinions, but this guy was already hinting at saving together for a house, he said he wanted children in the short term, and most importantly, when I had asked him before about how he feels about marriage, he absolutely did not give me the same answer. He never once tried to stop me or talk to me, he was very passive about my leaving, which made me feel like I was only good to bring an extra income for his future house and good enough to carry his children but not good enough to be his wife. Replaceable.

 

Except for the break up, the RS with the most recent ex was solid. Strong. No cloud. Getting better by the day. After I left, I was in shock.

 

Three months later, I felt the need to talk to him. I felt guilty for leaving him - as we had broken up via text. He never responded. I've written a long email telling him all the questions I've had, all the doubts, the hurt, the disbelief, the anger, the grief, the guilt. He never answered. Sending that email allowed me to move on, it was the best thing I had ever done. I understand pride and hurt, but he was the one who changed on me. I wasn't just gonna sit there and take it. If we were meant to be, we would have talked and tried to find a way. He is dead set against marriage - and I took it personally.

 

Another month later, after talking to my therapist, I've realized it's not even the marriage. It's feeling rejected. Not good enough. His arguments sucked. He made me feel unloved, he never once told me "i don't want to marry, but I want to stay with you". I may have touched some of his own hurt from the past with m "unreasonable" requests.

 

It's not even the "no", it's how communicates the "no" and how one makes the other person feel.

 

I am happy to put it all behind me and never think about it again, but I would lie if I said I have fully digested this experience. I still hold a lot of anger, resentment and a lot of love for that person. But I am moving on.

 

I sometimes think it's much easier to be the dumpee. Stuff happens to you. You were right, wrong... but it's not your decision. You don't have to live with it. It's horrible to have to make the right decision, leave and still be truly inlove with the dumpee.

 

Some people simply don't belong together. Love is not enough.

[Happines]

Well depends on the reasons the dumper dumped the other person

 

I my case I was a dumper because my ex kissed someone whilst drunk in the club...constantly lied to me...did not treat me like I was important to him and was feeling more like his tenant...being with him I was feeling lonely because he used to say how much he loves me and how he never loved anyone as much as he loved me however his actions were completely opposite to his words...needless to say after two years of relationship I came a point where I needed to leave...and so I did

 

He still was asking me to stay telling me how much he loves me and how he will seek help and do all it takes to b with me...and just to add he knew I was willing to work on things if I saw real actions

 

One week after I moved out I went to pick my last bits up and he didn't let me in...of course he lied he was alone and just couldn't bear to see me inside like before...however the truth was he already had another girl in the and made me stand outside whilst he brought my things...when giving my things to me he said that he missed me and loved me lol whilst the other girl was upstairs

 

Yes I was devastated heartbroken and so sad I needed to go therapist...and I was a dumper

 

So yes sometimes dumpers can hurt much more then dumpees because they might still love the person but have to leave because they are treated horribly like it was in my case

[PrettyEmily77]

Wow Em - you covered all the bases!

 

Yeah, I like to be thorough .

 

On a serious note though, my experience as a 'dumper' came at a very heavy price - two destructive Rs I could have done without. But hey, apparently what doesn't kill you etc...

Edited August 16, 2015 by PrettyEmily77

[mightycpa]

OP, I'm sorry to tell you, but usually, the answer to your questions are:

 

1) Zero

2) See #1

3) See #1

 

And really, that's the way you want it to be. You might think you want the dumper to have had regrets and second thoughts, but that means they'll be in and out of your life like a yo-yo and you won't be able to heal.

 

It takes some time, but eventually, you won't have any regrets either.

[Redhead14]

Hey guys, I wanted to get some feedback on those of you have been the Dumper on some of what's going through my head; I'm about 3 weeks in from a 10.5 month relationship, and although I'm doing better than the first few days, it still hurts like hell. I find myself much better when I go out on the weekends with friends or when I'm at the gym but aside from those two instances, I fall back right where I started and think about her non-stop. It's like 1 step forward and 3 steps backs. So here's a few questions that I have for Dumpers;

 

1) If a dumpee's pain level is on a 10, what is a Dumper's pain level on, if any?

2) Why/how do Dumpers move on so damn quickly, while you're still processing what just happened and are grieving?

3) At what point do Dumpers start having feelings of regret, usually and how strong does that feeling of regret have to be for them to take action and contact you?

 

I deleted all contact with my ex (phone # and all social media), but we have many mutual friends and they told me stuff regarding her recent FB/Instagram activity. On many of her pics, she looked more beautiful than ever and she's been going out. She didn't post many selfies of herself when we we're going out, but she's now been posting more than a few. I told them to please not inform me anymore on her whereabouts because it hurt me looking at it.

 

My biggest hurdle in the NC rule is not the NC because I'm strong enough to resist. (Plus, I've deleted her number). My biggest hurdle is letting go of the thought and hope that she will contact me.

 

-Sincerely,

A broken heart

 

1) If a dumpee's pain level is on a 10, what is a Dumper's pain level on, if any?

 

It certainly depends on the circumstances. If the dumper has been stressed out over the relationship for some time, they may at least feel some relief at first after they end it. Grieving a break up is like grieving a death as well. There are periods of varying emotions. They will grieve, experience anger, sadness, guilt, regret, loneliness, depression and ultimately acceptance just like the dumpee.

 

2) Why/how do Dumpers move on so damn quickly, while you're still processing what just happened and are grieving?

 

The dumpers that seem to have moved on quickly, were either truly convinced that the relationship was not what they wanted or they only "appear" to have moved on. They put on a good "face" for the world. Most of the time, even if they were sure about the breakup, there will be emotions involved for them.

 

3) At what point do Dumpers start having feelings of regret, usually and how strong does that feeling of regret have to be for them to take action and contact you?

 

As I said above, feelings will "cycle". They will go through periods of regret and then to something else and back again. There is no "specific" point where they get "there". The dumpee simply has to move forward with their life, evaluate for themselves if that relationship will really enough for them and let things happen naturally. If the dumper contacts you again and you think there is enough there to want to try again, you can. But don't wait for it.

 

Live your life. Do what she is doing which is going out, enjoying, and distracting yourself from all this.

 

 

[regine_phalange]

Hey guys, I wanted to get some feedback on those of you have been the Dumper on some of what's going through my head; I'm about 3 weeks in from a 10.5 month relationship, and although I'm doing better than the first few days, it still hurts like hell. I find myself much better when I go out on the weekends with friends or when I'm at the gym but aside from those two instances, I fall back right where I started and think about her non-stop. It's like 1 step forward and 3 steps backs. So here's a few questions that I have for Dumpers;

 

1) If a dumpee's pain level is on a 10, what is a Dumper's pain level on, if any?

2) Why/how do Dumpers move on so damn quickly, while you're still processing what just happened and are grieving?

3) At what point do Dumpers start having feelings of regret, usually and how strong does that feeling of regret have to be for them to take action and contact you?

 

I deleted all contact with my ex (phone # and all social media), but we have many mutual friends and they told me stuff regarding her recent FB/Instagram activity. On many of her pics, she looked more beautiful than ever and she's been going out. She didn't post many selfies of herself when we we're going out, but she's now been posting more than a few. I told them to please not inform me anymore on her whereabouts because it hurt me looking at it.

 

My biggest hurdle in the NC rule is not the NC because I'm strong enough to resist. (Plus, I've deleted her number). My biggest hurdle is letting go of the thought and hope that she will contact me.

 

-Sincerely,

A broken heart

 

As a serial "dumper", I'll try to answer to you.

1) The pain has happened to be 11 for someone I really cared for but I had to leave due to incompatibility that we tried to resolve but failed. Knowing that I hurt his feelings made me so sad I couldn't eat anything for days (very unlike me, as I'm an emotional eater). It has happened to be also 0-5 for people who I didn't feel quite good being around and we didn't bond that much during our relationship.

2) "Dumpers" don't always move on quickly. If they appear to move on fast it's because they stayed in the relationship too long so everything is sorted out in their heads, they have the closure they need. Or they shed so many tears already that there's nothing more to cry or be sad about. I personally felt free after each breakup which made me appear that I "moved on fast", even if I didn't date others.

3) Personally, I never contacted an ex to reconcile even though in a couple of cases I wanted to. We were apart for good reason.

[LeslieKnope]

 

1) If a dumpee's pain level is on a 10, what is a Dumper's pain level on, if any?

2) Why/how do Dumpers move on so damn quickly, while you're still processing what just happened and are grieving?

3) At what point do Dumpers start having feelings of regret, usually and how strong does that feeling of regret have to be for them to take action and contact you?

 

1) As nearly everyone else here has noted: it depends, but it's always less than the dumpee because they had time to process and initiate it. Even if the dumpee knew that there were problems for awhile, when you're the one being dumped it feels like being thrown into an ice cold lake - the shock of it can be awful.

 

2) I think this depends as well. If they've seemingly 'moved on' quickly, it's likely because they have someone else already in the picture. On the other hand, others take more time. My most recent ex - who broke up with me! - still attempts to make contact constantly. I interpret it mostly as him feeling a) tremendously guilty because he hurt me so (I made sure to give it to him good at the time of the b/u) and b) sorry for himself (he liked to tell me pre-NC that he was 'damaged' or 'ruined').

 

3) This is presuming the dumpers have any regret at all. Many don't. Those that do have no set timeline for when they start feeling regret, how long they feel it for, or if it motivates them to actually try to win back the person they left. In my case as mentioned, my ex still attempts contact all the time, and I've noticed it most recently happening on Friday or Saturday nights, likely when he's lonely and/or drinking (I sort of chuckle when I get texts from him then because I think it's safe to say he's not seeing anyone else, at least not seriously/successfully, haha). I'm pretty sure he's been lurking at my twitter feed recently as well (he doesn't have a twitter handle that I know of, and I haven't been looking for him, but he keeps trying to ask me about topics of interest that he would only have known about through my twitter account, which weirds me out a bit). Regardless, it's a big leap between the ex texting you when they're bored/lonely/horned up and actually making their intentions known that they want you back. I hold no illusions about my ex: he probably does regret how he treated me but he still broke my heart. Healing is my priority.

 

Here's something I've noticed from stories on LS: the exes do seem to come back when you've fully moved on, i.e. you're dating someone else/better or you have genuinely no interest in reconciliation. So in a funny way, the dumpees often get the last laugh anyway, so to speak. The song 'Smile' by Lily Allen sort of sums it up nicely.

[aloneinaz]

 

Here's something I've noticed from stories on LS: the exes do seem to come back when you've fully moved on, i.e. you're dating someone else/better or you have genuinely no interest in reconciliation. So in a funny way, the dumpees often get the last laugh anyway, so to speak.

 

 

Yup, this is true for me. When my last ex kicked me to the curb, I didn't think I'd EVER hear from her again. I was committed to NEVER contacting her and I didn't. I healed, moved on and was in a new R/S 5-6 months later when this ex contacted me repeatedly. She wanted to let me know she was sorry for being a terrible GF, missed me terribly, wanted another chance, etc.. She was told NO.

 

 

To me, when a dumper returns to the dumpee after months have passed since the break up, to try and reconcile, it's their last "selfish" act. I've read that "if" a dumper returns, it's usually in the first 6 months. Why? Because they discovered the grass wasn't greener. They've found being single and dating sucked or their rebound R/S was terrible. So, they get lonely, miss being in a R/S and try to return to the dumpee.

 

 

When they selfishly contact the person they kicked to the curb, it's side effect is to bring up all the past emotions that the dumpee has tried to move on from. In my case, it angered me. I had NO intention to ever date her again, but reading her emails refreshed my memory of what a POS GF she was and I didn't appreciate her bring it all up again by trying to get me back.

Edited August 17, 2015 by aloneinaz

[candie13]

 

To me, when a dumper returns to the dumpee after months have passed since the break up, to try and reconcile, it's their last "selfish" act. I've read that "if" a dumper returns, it's usually in the first 6 months. Why? Because they discovered the grass wasn't greener. They've found being single and dating sucked or their rebound R/S was terrible. So, they get lonely, miss being in a R/S and try to return to the dumpee.

 

Love had a different logic . Not all RS are a string of break ups and make ups.

 

Some RS have one huge blow, big fight, one break up when one hurts horribly the other partner. And s/he flees, instead of staying there and confronting and fighting some more. And after time, when anger and hurt and all those negative emotions melt... they remember 2 things: the (embelished) past of the previous RS and their deeper feelings of love / affection. Which is sh*t because maybe they were right to leave in the first place, who knows

 

Of course, most of the times, when the dumper comes back - or gets back in contact, it's too late, too much ego, too much pride, too much pain, the wrong words or actions... in all honesty, if the RS was so dreadful and the dumpee is so righteous in his decision to stay NC... why didn't he leave the RS to begin with ? Because he also has / had deep(er) feelings.

 

Because the dumper took the decision to break up, and because s/he also (thinks) has feelings, they ironically lag behind in accepting the reality... that the relationship is over. It's not selfish... it's a natural acceptance mechanism, they are blinded by the fact that it was them that took that decision to break up - however wrong or right...

 

yeah, and when it's too late, it's too late. I actually am convinced that the best thing the dumpee can ever do, if he's over the dumper, is to never answer them ever again. Keep NC. Everyone gets to heal much more quickly.

[aloneinaz]

 

 

Some RS have one huge blow, big fight, one break up when one hurts horribly the other partner. And s/he flees, instead of staying there and confronting and fighting some more. And after time, when anger and hurt and all those negative emotions melt... they remember 2 things: the (embelished) past of the previous RS and their deeper feelings of love / affection. Which is sh*t because maybe they were right to leave in the first place, who knows

 

 

 

I understand what you're saying. My only rebuttal to this would be the relationship wasn't healthy nor on a solid foundation to begin with. Why? Because if it was, there would of been mutual respect and solid, healthy communication between the two participants. It would of never escalated to the point of someone being dumped. To me, healthy relationships are all about communication and working thru issues in a mature, respectful manner. Oh, there's a big difference between an argument or fight that can't be worked through for a couple of days and a full on break up that lasts months before the dumper returns.

 

 

Lastly, I'd truly question the dumpers "love" for me if they were comfortable in kicking me to the curb, knowing I'd move on, date and have sex with new woman. When I love someone, the thought of them having sex w/someone else is too much to bear. This means, I wouldn't dump them unless it was something horrible like cheating, an affair or worse.

[candie13]

I understand what you're saying. My only rebuttal to this would be the relationship wasn't healthy nor on a solid foundation to begin with. Why? Because if it was, there would of been mutual respect and solid, healthy communication between the two participants. It would of never escalated to the point of someone being dumped. To me, healthy relationships are all about communication and working thru issues in a mature, respectful manner. Oh, there's a big difference between an argument or fight that can't be worked through for a couple of days and a full on break up that lasts months before the dumper returns.

 

 

Lastly, I'd truly question the dumpers "love" for me if they were comfortable in kicking me to the curb, knowing I'd move on, date and have sex with new woman. When I love someone, the thought of them having sex w/someone else is too much to bear. This means, I wouldn't dump them unless it was something horrible like cheating, an affair or worse.

 

I think you've absolutely nailed it. I have specifically asked him about the subject of our dispute and got a reasonable - even positive answer 2-3 months in the RS. 5 months into the RS, in an absolutely random conversation, he completely turned his answer around and let me see his real face. I cannot find the words to describe how shocked I was. I have felt as if the Earth had opened and swallowed me and then closed back up.

 

This is not about the subject of our dispute. If I say or do something that hurts you to your bone, that you are bleeding all over the floor, so badly that you never want to see me in your life again, you can be sure that I will not calmly watch you leave and say "thank you for all that you've done for us".

 

Unless I was not involved. The reason of the dispute is irrelevant. I can't hurt a dog, a cat, and even less a human being. Someone I am supposed to love.

 

I am the dumper. The only person inlove in that relationship. The interesting business opportunity as long as she was sticking to his terms and conditions. HE can shove those up his arse. I will never agree to his thinking. It's cold. It's petty. It's empty of any feeling.

 

You are right. The basis of our RS was fundamentally flawed because he never showed his true face. His true thinking. I never knew him. Well... my bad. I know now. I will never settle.

 

I know I am hurting. I wanted to know, I wanted to hear it from him - did he love me? But, of course, I am dreaming, which man will ever admit that he was just pretending ? I had to ask to get no answer for the sound of my own questions to resonate into my ears and finally make out behind the sound of the deafening silence... there's nothing there. No love.

 

I am extremely grateful. He could have lead me on for another year. HE could have lied and tried to get me pregnant. I was extremely lucky to have realized his real thoughts and intention this early. I only have God to thank for the intuition he gave me to have read through him, asked the right questions and gotten the honest answers.

 

I think... sometimes you need to make a lot of mistakes to realize you made the correct choice in the first place. I am in peace. Of course, I still have anger inside, but the ghost is gone. I can relate to other people. Find other people interesting. Date other men. I am over him. My ego still is bruised because most men try really hard to date me, but you know what? his loss. if he was quite as smart as he thinks he is, he would have found a way to keep me near him. He's scared. Scared 40 years old are a total turn off.

 

Off to the next adventure. I think it'll be really good. I have a real passion for life and laughter and happiness. I think I will find my match soon .

[candie13]

Lastly, I'd truly question the dumpers "love" for me if they were comfortable in kicking me to the curb, knowing I'd move on, date and have sex with new woman. When I love someone, the thought of them having sex w/someone else is too much to bear. This means, I wouldn't dump them unless it was something horrible like cheating, an affair or worse.

 

that's male thinking. Women are a lot more hurt and distressed if their partner fell inlove with someone else compared to physical sex. With men, it's different.

[NoMoreJerks]

Another month later, after talking to my therapist, I've realized it's not even the marriage. It's feeling rejected. Not good enough. His arguments sucked. He made me feel unloved, he never once told me "i don't want to marry, but I want to stay with you". I may have touched some of his own hurt from the past with m "unreasonable" requests.

Wow. Yeah. Exactly how I felt as well, when my now-ex (as of a week ago) tells me he never wants to marry (he was common-in-law with his first gf for 8 years), doesn't want to move in with me, and definitely doesn't want kids. He had not been decisive on any of these issues when we first met. It felt like a rejection of me. Especially the kids issue, because he already had one kid, and celebrated his kid, and being a dad. So I was like, is there a quota of kids that is now satisfied, and your life is now complete? And I am just a bonus, replaceable? I asked if he could imagine life without me, and he said right away, "yes."

 

He broke up with me a few days later. I was the one who should've broken up with him. I am sure he won't regret it. After all, he was dead set against all that stuff. Especially with me. He had already done it with his ex-gf, so maybe it was about me. Or maybe it was about him not wanting more of that. I don't know. Whatever the case, I doubt he's coming back or having any regrets.

 

It's not even the "no", it's how communicates the "no" and how one makes the other person feel.

Yes. Exactly. This.

[candie13]

Wow. Yeah. Exactly how I felt as well, when my now-ex (as of a week ago) tells me he never wants to marry (he was common-in-law with his first gf for 8 years), doesn't want to move in with me, and definitely doesn't want kids. He had not been decisive on any of these issues when we first met. It felt like a rejection of me. Especially the kids issue, because he already had one kid, and celebrated his kid, and being a dad. So I was like, is there a quota of kids that is now satisfied, and your life is now complete? And I am just a bonus, replaceable? I asked if he could imagine life without me, and he said right away, "yes."

 

He broke up with me a few days later. I was the one who should've broken up with him. I am sure he won't regret it. After all, he was dead set against all that stuff. Especially with me. He had already done it with his ex-gf, so maybe it was about me. Or maybe it was about him not wanting more of that. I don't know. Whatever the case, I doubt he's coming back or having any regrets.

 

 

Yes. Exactly. This.

 

Mine absolutely wanted to move in and children. As long as we can keep the finances and law and all the other dirty little details out of it. And he was smart enough to wait 5 months until he broke the news of how he really sees "our" future together to me.

 

I've realized my mistake - my ex was bringing me stability, predictability, a sense of purpose and building something, a future, a RS. See, the trick is, this is void of any meaning, unless there is love. So yeah... I'll stop investing in any RS and projecting myself in any future until I find a man whom I feel is true.

 

People who make their math - I already have children, I don't want any, I just want a companion - or - I want your children, I want you to help me buy a house because I can't do it by myself but I don't want you as my wife - or I just want to move in and for you to wash my dirty laundry - those are living arrangements. Worst, business arrangements.

 

Personally, I never put my business interests above feelings. There's always a way around it and you can always find a way... if you're willing to work at it and not just want to have your way. People who only want to have it their way are not happy people. They're not inlove either. And they do deserve to stay single... or worst, in RS with people whom they don't love and most likely won't love them back.

 

Misery loves company. I'm not one of those. NoMoreJerks, you're not one of those either. NExt time, we should build a much more authentic, deeper relationship, even if that implies asking uncomfortable questions. That's my resolution, girl ! I was really shocked because I didn't realize just how fake - shallow - his investment was. It's like we were in 2 different relationships.

 

There are some decent men around there. I'll do much better next time, i've learnt a LOT from this one .

Edited August 18, 2015 by candie13