beesknees Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC I DO think she made a big mistake. She DID make a big mistake, but the only thing you would try to be accomplishing is comfort for yourself by doing so. It doesn't work. I did this to my ex, and believe me, it left me feeling worse. Karma has a way of getting these people, and unfortunately, at this time it does not seem to matter that you tell her off because she doesn't care what you think... otherwise she wouldn't be hurting you and telling you crap about what she's doing w/ the other guy. If there's nowhere else you can get a replacement of your books, then just ask for the books back. She might not even respond to that. I know how hard it is to try not to smack her with the truth, but she is blind and she will never see it for now. Plus, it's too soon, and you still have love in your heart for her (even if it's a little). Don't hurt yourself by hurting her.
mischafan160 Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Write out whatever you want to make yourself feel better and DON'T SEND IT. Don't send her anything. This is going to sound harsh... but she DOESN'T CARE AND IS OVER YOU. This is about you, not her, so if you need to sort through your own stuff, write a letter and keep it in a drawer and do not send it if you want to retain any sort of dignity. I say this having "been" you...having been in your position. They have MOVED ON and living new lives and they don't think about us anymore. You need to realize that you won't be making any impact on her...she's OVER IT. Retain whatever self-respect and dignity you have left and please, please DON'T CONTACT HER. Buy new books.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl Well, again....I'd wait. Email will still be there tomorrow. Sleep on it. Get your feet back under you. Then decide if you want to tell her the "truth". I guarantee you she won't see it as the truth. She will see it as you lashing out in your hurt and anger. Maybe--MAYBE!--in months or years she'll see some truth to what you say. But not now she won't. So think hard about what you want to accomplish. Once you send it, are you going to wait anxiously for a response? Deep down, how are you going to feel if you get no response? What I want to accomplish is to tell her off..... I've never had the chance to do that.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by mischafan160 Write out whatever you want to make yourself feel better and DON'T SEND IT. Don't send her anything. This is going to sound harsh... but she DOESN'T CARE AND IS OVER YOU. This is about you, not her, so if you need to sort through your own stuff, write a letter and keep it in a drawer and do not send it if you want to retain any sort of dignity. I say this having "been" you...having been in your position. They have MOVED ON and living new lives and they don't think about us anymore. You need to realize that you won't be making any impact on her...she's OVER IT. Retain whatever self-respect and dignity you have left and please, please DON'T CONTACT HER. Buy new books. I know it's about me. I don't even care if she doesn't care. She will read it and she will remember what I said (she has a photographic memory). I need to do this to feel better about myself. It doesn't matter what she thinks about it. It's me finally telling her what she is that makes ME feel better.
A Fly On The Wall Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Confused. I think you need to go back and read some of your posts on this same girl from august - december of 2004. It seems you have been a mess with this girl the whole time. You are delaing with the same issues 8 months later... Grow a set man.. Go out and get a decent girlfriend, This one you have allowed her to turn you into a wimpy pile of mush. It seems the whole relationship she has told you that she didn't see you the same way you see her. AFOTW
dgiirl Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 After careful consideration I think it would be best for you and I to isolate ourselves from one another. I wish you the best in your current relationship and I am glad we shared some really good times. You already sent her this email. I think it was perfect. So IMO, you're next email should be I forgot to tell you, I still would like my books back. You could add all the titles you want, and when/how you'll get them. Or get a friend to pick them up for you or come with you or something. I'm a firm believer in letting them feel guilty. I think attacking the person only lets them justify their reasons for leaving. Trust me, I have a really hard time refraining from attacking too. But I DO believe if you keep your dignity, then they will feel guilt. But that's just me, and I know how my ex thinks And in the odd case that they do take what you say to heart, they'll be learning something about relationships. Dont give them any ideas on what they did wrong to mess things up. They'll learn less, and hopefully repeat the same thing all over again.
outdated Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 If it makes YOU feel better than go ahead and send it. Who the F%$# cares, right? But be prepared for the consequences. When I was a younger bloke I sent a hateful letter to my ex who had dumped me. A month later she was back under my sheets. Still to this day can't explain that one...
tokyo Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 As dgiirl said, the first line is perfect. Get your books back and shut up. She told you you were a "clingy doorknob"? Now listen, she might have been right to a certain point, you looked like one of those clingy nice guys who complain about the mean women. The rest of your letter showed that you were one of them and if you want her to feel justified in her opinion of you, go ahead and send it. Nice guys are the ones who can't shut up and complain instead of just thinking those things to themselves and walk away. Walking away without throwing a fit at someone who you don't deem worth your time anyway separates you from the ones who are clingy and desperate. You have proof that she's not a nice person, so shut up and walk away. If she was a nice person you can say something nice and leave. If she's not a nice person you just leave. But never write her letters that contain words like ***** (whatever it was that you used) and telling her how miserable she will be in the future and how much she missed out may are such a bad idea. I often think there's also another side to the story and even if you present yourself as a nice person, you might have also had your share on the end of this relationship by being too clingy, or by getting on her nerves too much and in this case writing nasty letters is just not appropiate. In general I wouldn't recommend writing nasty letters.
mischafan160 Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl Trust me, I have a really hard time refraining from attacking too. But I DO believe if you keep your dignity, then they will feel guilt. But that's just me, and I know how my ex thinks And in the odd case that they do take what you say to heart, they'll be learning something about relationships. Dont give them any ideas on what they did wrong to mess things up. They'll learn less, and hopefully repeat the same thing all over again. HAHAHAHA one can ONLY HOPE they repeat all their mistakes with the new boyfriend/girlfriend....hopefully THEY'LL get dumped next time. I agree completely. Stay classy, don't lecture her and respect yourself enough not to let her know you're still hurting. She'll get hers in the end, there's nothing you can do to influence that. You will be grateful that you kept quiet in the end.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl You already sent her this email. I think it was perfect. So IMO, you're next email should be You could add all the titles you want, and when/how you'll get them. Or get a friend to pick them up for you or come with you or something. I'm a firm believer in letting them feel guilty. I think attacking the person only lets them justify their reasons for leaving. Trust me, I have a really hard time refraining from attacking too. But I DO believe if you keep your dignity, then they will feel guilt. But that's just me, and I know how my ex thinks And in the odd case that they do take what you say to heart, they'll be learning something about relationships. Dont give them any ideas on what they did wrong to mess things up. They'll learn less, and hopefully repeat the same thing all over again. But see, she doesn't think she did anything wrong. She's never had anyone tell her what her problems are. She's been protected and secluded her entire life. She had no problem telling me what my problems were....
greenhorn Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC I do not want you to come here. In fact, I no longer have any desire to see you at all. Last night was a revelation for me and I finally opened my eyes and saw you for what you truly are; A despicable, lonely, insecure, frightened little girl who runs from life's problems rather than standing up and facing them head on. Personally I would feel that even if it is a fortune forget those books, but if you want, do it this way; Send only this part. Why you want to make her realise her mistake ? So that she comes back to you(?) She has made a mistake and will make so in future(?) That's none of your business now. Alternatively you might be thinking that she has made a mistake and she might be thinking that she has done the right thing,so your this mistake identification mission will seem to be a clinging and song of desperation for her. End justifies the mail, what is your end ? getting the book so do that much only, if it is making her realise her mistake, and then catharsis of her soul then your mail(full text) is good, send her.
dgiirl Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC But see, she doesn't think she did anything wrong. She's never had anyone tell her what her problems are. She's been protected and secluded her entire life. Even better. She'll continue to do the same mistakes over and over and be hurt over and over. Trust me, if she continues to do what she's doing, one day she will get hurt. She'll end up a little old maid, never married and wonder why. You wont need to point it out to her, she'll see it.
tokyo Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl I'm a firm believer in letting them feel guilty. I think attacking the person only lets them justify their reasons for leaving. Trust me, I have a really hard time refraining from attacking too. But I DO believe if you keep your dignity, then they will feel guilt. But that's just me, and I know how my ex thinks And in the odd case that they do take what you say to heart, they'll be learning something about relationships. Dont give them any ideas on what they did wrong to mess things up. They'll learn less, and hopefully repeat the same thing all over again. Hahahaha True! I complained about communcation and this dim twit (cute nonetheless ) goes and improves his communication with someone else. Well, didn't work out, he didn't learn enough from me. ConfusedInOC, don't listen to Greenhorn or any of the guys, they know nothing about women. Send the first line or not and that's it.
greenhorn Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC But see, she doesn't think she did anything wrong. She's never had anyone tell her what her problems are. She's been protected and secluded her entire life. She had no problem telling me what my problems were.... So it proves that your purpose is not to get the books but your real purpose is to make contacts with her. Go ahead dude ! When I was kid, I studied in my language book, one mom was cooking something on pan, her kid came and wanted to touch the pan, mom let her touch the pan, the kid's hand got burnt and then he understood. So I suggest go ahead, write this mail and then only you will regret and learn. We are telling you not to repeat mistakes from our experiences but still you are not seeing the point.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by kooky Hahahaha True! I complained about communcation and this dim twit (cute nonetheless ) goes and improves his communication with someone else. Well, didn't work out, he didn't learn enough from me. ConfusedInOC, don't listen to Greenhorn or any of the guys, they know nothing about women. Send the first line or not and that's it. What exactly should I say to her? You said the first line but did you mean the whole paragraph?
greenhorn Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by kooky ConfusedInOC, don't listen to Greenhorn or any of the guys, they know nothing about women. Send the first line or not and that's it. Kooky, I also said to send the first line only, where did I say to send the whole letter? Yeah I know nothing about women, but the little I know about women has made me not to know more about them. P.S - 'women' used here is not in generic sense
greenhorn Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC What exactly should I say to her? You said the first line but did you mean the whole paragraph? Ok now I see, I quoted the whole first paragraph. I write the letter for you, Hi, I need to get these ...... books from you. Please mail them to me, or leave them at some convenient place so that I can come later and take them. Regards CIOC
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn Ok now I see, I quoted the whole first paragraph. I write the letter for you, Hi, I need to get these ...... books from you. Please mail them to me, or leave them at some convenient place so that I can come later and take them. Regards CIOC That's it?! No revelation?
sunshinegirl Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 "But see, she doesn't think she did anything wrong. She's never had anyone tell her what her problems are. She's been protected and secluded her entire life. She had no problem telling me what my problems were...." By way of example: A few years ago I dated a guy who was a jerk in ways too innumerable to name here. I should have dumped him but we were on/off for close to 3 years. He also had NO trouble telling me what my problems were but the slightest criticism of anything he did would send him flying into a defensive rant. When we broke up he was convinced I was the problem. He was a huge @ss and said terribly cruel things to me. He did such a good job of it that I believed I was the problem too! In the months following, I wrote so many spiteful, angry, "truth telling" letters I can't even tell you. They all stayed in my journal, however. I never sent them. I maintained strict NC for nine months. And you know what? That man was actually having the struggle of a lifetime. Turns out he's gay but had been trying to force himself to be the good, straight, Catholic boy. And he was 31 at the time. Talk about karma coming back to bite him on the ass--and I mean this only from the perspective that his internal struggle to come to terms with himself and who he is absolutely dwarfs anything spiteful or mean I might have said to him about the "truth" of our relationship. I am so glad now that I held back. I still have my dignity. He was in a world of pain himself, and he hurt me and many others who were unfortunate enough to be in his path. I've now forgiven him, though it's taken a really long time to get there. And now I am weirdly proud of him that he's come completely out of the closet. It takes a lot of courage for the only child of strict Catholic parents to do that. Obviously your ex doesn't have these kinds of issues to deal with...I guess I'm just saying, you don't know what's going to unfold in her life or how/when she's eventually going to have to face the music of her behavior and ultimately who she is and wants to be in the world. That's no longer your job. The universe--well, God--will take care of it for you.
greenhorn Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC That's it?! No revelation? Please tell me why revelation? What is your purpose? a) get the book b) make desperate attempt to get her back If you got enlighted then it is good for you, keep it and for sharing purpose, share with us, I need them. Don't shower or make unsolicited enlightments.
tokyo Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 ConfusedInOC, get your books back and that's it. Finito. Don't bother to comment on her soul or mental mess or whatever. Stick to the relevant items on your list, your book, not her character. Unless you believe that she's a nice person and you want her back you shouldn't worry what happens to her in the future. She'll survive it and she doesn't need your lessons. Greenhorn, I thought you meant that he was supposed to send the part that you quoted. You said: "Send only this part". Anway, you are obviously learning about women.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn Please tell me why revelation? What is your purpose? a) get the book b) make desperate attempt to get her back If you got enlighted then it is good for you, keep it and for sharing purpose, share with us, I need them. Don't shower or make unsolicited enlightments. 1) Get the books. 2) Get something off my chest. I do see the point though. If I tell her that I realize what a jerk she's been, it'll mean I am a jerk too...and confirm the reasons for leaving me. I don't think she's ever broken up with someone who has handled it gracefully....
tokyo Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 I seriously tell you, shut up. Refrain from making any mean comments. I know more about nice guys than you do and I can tell you what really turns women off. All the girls here tell you to suck it up and just walk away and that's what you should do.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by kooky ConfusedInOC, get your books back and that's it. Finito. Don't bother to comment on her soul or mental mess or whatever. Stick to the relevant items on your list, your book, not her character. Unless you believe that she's a nice person and you want her back you shouldn't worry what happens to her in the future. She'll survive it and she doesn't need your lessons. I think deep down she is a great person, but her insecurities and inability to face life's problems make her run from man to man.... I want to help her in some ways. I am angry for her leaving me, but at the same time, do I let her continue to wallow? And yes, sadly, I admit I miss her and want her back. I told her I missed her last night. She just said "Uh huh..." I know she's moved on. I know I need to move on. So why can't I?
dgiirl Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by kooky I complained about communcation and this dim twit (cute nonetheless ) goes and improves his communication with someone else. Well, didn't work out, he didn't learn enough from me. Yah, I'm really kicking myself for mentioning some of the things I said to my ex in my fit of despair. I hope he was too emotional distraught to realize what I was saying. My therapist says he'll do this again. *cross fingers*
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