Be true

[Aliciarhodes]

"it's not you, it's me"

"I need to figure me out"

"I need a break"

"I need to learn to love myself"

At some point in time most of us have heard these lines coming from our significant others during a break up, and when you truly love that person, you actually want to believe them. You plead your case, but ultimately step back and try your hardest to give them what they say they want, space. You sit at home at night and wonder how they are, what they are doing, if they are ok, and it tears you apart thinking that they are unnecessarily going at this alone. All you want to do is be there for them, tell them you love them, but you can't. The uncertainty of it all is the worst part. The waiting, the wondering, the racing in your mind. Sooner or later, you start to realize that there's a good possibility that all that talk of space was just a load of crap. Whether they told you all those things to try and minimize hurting your feelings, or whether they just don't want to own this breakup, your BF/GF/spouse is most likely done with you. I read posts from people on my website every day, and the situations are eerily similar, and I know what it's like. I've been there, and it sucks. That's why I became a "relationship expert" so to speak. I try my best to give my perspective on these situations and try and help people out the best way I can.

More often than not, these bull**** lines are used by women. Women are very emotional creatures, and in times of stress most struggle to think of anything else but themselves. They want to get through a situation however they can, and if they can deflect and not actually open up by using lines like these, then great. But what women don't realize is that all this makes it's so much harder. I too used these excuses when I broke up with my fiancé of 2 years a while back. I told him that I needed space, needed to find myself, all that crap, when in reality, I just didn't want to be with him anymore. I cared for him a lot, but there were certain things he did that I didn't like. I knew he loved me, but he would stay out all night drinking, he couldn't hold a job for longer than a month or 2, the sex wasn't great, and he simply never wanted to go anywhere or do anything. I didn't help the situation holding all my feelings in and not telling him how I was feeling, but that was on me, and it's something I still regret. Not because It would have worked, but because I didn't even give it a chance. Some people go their whole lives and never find that someone who loves them unconditionally, and he wasn't perfect, but he loved me maybe if I would have aired my concerns, we could have worked through it but I was stubborn and didn't. But during the beginning of the break up, I told him all the lies that women tell men, and he was crushed. But god love him, he did his best and backed off and gave me what I asked for. He would call me some nights, drunk, crying, asking how I was and telling me how much he loved me. It was hard for me too, listening to that, so I once again led him on, saying that everything would be ok, it's just tough right now. I felt awful. I wish all the things I was saying were true, that I did just need time, but I didn't, i was done, but I just didn't want to say it for my own selfish reasons.

This went on for about a year, with my ex calling here and there, and I would call him out of pity here and there to make sure he was ok, which I know is a terrible thing to do because I knew he got so happy every time I called.

Fast forward, one day I was sitting at my computer, looking at my friends baby pictures on Facebook, and for some reason I decided to look on my ex's page. I hadn't heard from him in a while and wanted to know what he was up to. What I saw brought on a strange wave of emotion. I saw pictures of him with this girl out having fun. There was one with them at six flags, a few from a camping trip they took, just a bunch of pictures of "my man" having fun with another women. I saw that he had gotten a great job and had been working there for a little over 2 months. And in all the pictures I didn't see a single beer or hard drink in his hands. I had to call him, so I did. He didn't answer, so I texted, he didn't answer. 3 days went by until he called me back.

We talked for a while, I asked him about the women he was with, asked him about his new job. He told me it wasn't serious with this women, it was just someone that he had met that was going through a similar situation and they were helping each other get through a tough time. He said after a few weeks of doing nothing but sitting at home drinking, she had a talk with him about the drinking, the working, and not getting out of the house. She made him get up and get out and do things, things that he never thought he would enjoy. All she did was talk to him about it, and he at least tried.

After a bit, we talked about us, and how things ended. He told me about how much it hurt to hear me feed him lines of taking a break and all the other ****, and how that only made things worse. He wished I would have just come out and said that I didn't want to be with him anymore, it would have been hard but it would have been easier than how I did it.

Seeing this new version of him made me think, "did I make a mistake?" and I starting thinking that maybe we could try it again, not start over, but build on what we already had. So he agreed to meet me for lunch the next day, and we sat and chatted for a couple hours. It was amazing to sit and be with him again. But when the lunch was over and I tried to make further plans with him, he said he was busy, said he had things to do. No big deal I thought to myself. So we said our goodbyes, and I went home.*

I waited for him to call, and when after a couple days I hadn't heard from him, i sent him a text. He immediately called me back, and the conversation we had was the last thing I expected. Without going over the entire conversation, the basics of it were that he didn't want to see me. I had put him through so much and hung the carrot out there for so long, that he said he couldn't go through that again. I tried to tell him that it wouldn't happen again, but he said he couldn't take the chance that he would have to pick himself up like that again. He told me he loved me just as much as he ever did, and he always would, but he couldn't be with me again. I hung up the phone and sat on my couch and cried for hours. How could I have let it get to this. Maybe if I just would have opened up and talked to him when I had the chance, we could have worked it out.

It's been 3 years since that conversation, and my ex and I are both still single, we chat from time to time, have lunch here and there, and have even hooked up a couple times after running into each other at a bar. But we always go our separate ways. I've went on a few dates with a couple guys, and even dated this one guy for a few months, but I was never really into it. My true love is out there, and I messed it up. Even worse is that he's still single and says he has no interest in dating. He said that even though we aren't together and isn't sure if we ever will be, his heart belongs to me, but is scared of what might happen.

Ladies, learn from my mistakes, be honest with your man, open up. If you decide you don't want to be with them anymore, just come out and say it. Leave the bull**** copy paste lines at the door. You may feel that you don't want someone at the moment, but feeding them bull**** will only make it worse and in the end, will only drive them away. If space is what you need, then fine, tell him that, but every now and then, call him, tell him your thinking about him, let him know he's on your mind and you haven't given up. It's the 21st century and we shouldn't act like spoiled children when it comes to matters of the heart.

[aloneinaz]

Paragraph breaks? Too hard to read..

[Aliciarhodes]

Before I post next time I will submit for editing and content. This wasn't meant for cynics, people that no matter what will just look and find the flaws. If its too hard to read one word at a time, then don't. Whats really hard to do is take things as they are, in this case, it's my thoughts and experiences. I spend all day writing for my website, making sure everything is perfect, I decided to just put thoughts on paper. Take it or leave it.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

I loved it.

 

I wish more women could read this and learn from it. I heard pretty much everything you wrote from my ex and I agree, it would have been so much better if she had just owned the BU and was honest. Communication wasn't her strong suit though...

[BriNyc82]

I don't necessarily think it's a gender thing. Im female and been on the side where your ex is. It's pretty awful when someone gives you excuses and doesn't respect you enough to be honest. It just gets messy and you will find yourself in a tangle of webs talking out both sides of your mouth. I guess not everyone is as honest as I am.

[Aliciarhodes]

I'm not saying that this is solely used by women. I'm saying over the years I've seen it used by mostly women. Men tend to need clarity and answers in time of crisis, while women tend to deflect and hide. Again, I've seen men do this as well, but a majority of cases involving vague lines like this involve the woman.

[Firstheartbreaksux]

I wish my ex would read this, it gives me hope, but that is a dangerous thing. I'll never love anyone like I loved her. They say loving someone is giving them the opportunity to destroy you, but trusting that they wont. I have a crazy urge to copy and paste this to her, but the risk is to great.