Channeling Anger and Resentment

[SycamoreCircle]

I would like to formulate a mantra for myself that I can memorize and repeat each day to help me psychologically get past the anger and resentment. But the problem is I keep running into inconsistencies. The mantra, based on some of the helpful things posted by people here, might read something like this:

 

I accept that it is over.

 

I accept that what we had was not built on Love.

 

I accept that things ended so violently because I loved so strongly.

 

I accept that I made some mistakes.

 

I wish for you wholeness and happiness.

 

I wish for myself wholeness and happiness.

 

Pretty good, right? The problem is I still can't help but feel, "wow, this person was really fncked up." And my better judgment to believe that I'm partly to blame also makes me feel like I'm continuing to connect myself to a pretty toxic person. But I have trouble believing totally that someone could be SO ruthlessly toxic and evil. Satu wrote something like "Love that turns to Hate was never love, but instead dysfunctional attachment." I find truth in this, but doesn't that cancel out the idea, which I also believe, that Hate is the obverse of Love?

 

Is my damnation of her a binding agent? Is accepting responsibility for my own actions a binding agent?

[lana-banana]

I would like to formulate a mantra for myself that I can memorize and repeat each day to help me psychologically get past the anger and resentment. But the problem is I keep running into inconsistencies. The mantra, based on some of the helpful things posted by people here, might read something like this:

 

I accept that it is over.

 

I accept that what we had was not built on Love.

 

I accept that things ended so violently because I loved so strongly.

 

I accept that I made some mistakes.

 

I wish for you wholeness and happiness.

 

I wish for myself wholeness and happiness.

 

Pretty good, right? The problem is I still can't help but feel, "wow, this person was really fncked up." And my better judgment to believe that I'm partly to blame also makes me feel like I'm continuing to connect myself to a pretty toxic person. But I have trouble believing totally that someone could be SO ruthlessly toxic and evil. Satu wrote something like "Love that turns to Hate was never love, but instead dysfunctional attachment." I find truth in this, but doesn't that cancel out the idea, which I also believe, that Hate is the obverse of Love?

 

Is my damnation of her a binding agent? Is accepting responsibility for my own actions a binding agent?

 

So long as you describe your ex as "SO ruthlessly evil" (toxic is an acceptable albeit charged word) you are not going to recover. Part of the healing process is recognizing your ex, however cruel or clueless they seemed at the time, is honestly just another human being who made a lot of mistakes.

 

Wishing her happiness won't do anything for you. She's not your problem. Let's edit your mantra down to the only thing you really need to understand:

 

I accept that it is over

 

Done.

[salparadise]

Satu wrote something like "Love that turns to Hate was never love, but instead dysfunctional attachment." I find truth in this, but doesn't that cancel out the idea, which I also believe, that Hate is the obverse of Love?

 

Indifference is the opposite of love. Hate is a shackle.

 

I don't necessarily agree with Satu's quote. It might be true in some instances and not in others. People are complex and unique; attempting to explain infinite complexity with a one liner is not sufficient for me. Love is not easy to define, and there are many kinds of love. I think it's possible to hate someone you once loved. To me, hating is the dysfunctional part of the equation.

 

Is my damnation of her a binding agent? Is accepting responsibility for my own actions a binding agent?

 

Yea, hate or damnation is most certainly a binding agent. Accepting responsibility, and forgiving yourself, is an important part of letting go. Forgiveness frees the forgiver from the shackles of hate.

 

I've been divorced and she tried to pull some unethical stuff, and actually got away with some of the less important stuff. But I realized that even though I could justify being angry, it wasn't doing me any good... wasn't leading me toward contentment, harmony, happiness. It was an expression of her pain and hurt, and as another human being dealing with the same things I try to understand, forgive and not think about it all the time.

 

What is hate? Intense, pervasive, negative thoughts and feelings, probably in response to your own pain... and your pain is likely to include some self-loathing for your own failures... projected onto the other. You don't have to explain every detail, just adopt the philosophy, forgive and let go.

 

It takes time, and it takes some perspective that the whole universe doesn't revolve around your pain and hurt. You're part of the rotation not the hub.

Edited August 16, 2015 by salparadise

[loveweary11]

Indifference is key, just as Lana says above.

 

You still think about your ex? How long has it been?

 

It's been 2 (?) years now for me since I had a 10 year marriage end and the only time I think of the ex is when on Love Shack, typically relaying a story or whatever.

 

I have absolutely no feelings for her one way or the other.

 

She's just a collection of facts.

 

Want to know some of the ways I got past it? (Hint....doesn't have to do with thinking or mantras)

 

1) Had new girls around me constantly. Proves you are still wanted, that others are good at sex and your ex was just one of many, not someone so special.

 

2) Kept busy. Travel, work, going out. These things keep your mind off the problems while allowing you to meet more of #1 and improve yourself.

 

3) Work out and work on your image. This keeps more female attention coming your way.

 

As you make more and more new friends, the ex stuff just fades away.

 

You don't need to be a philosophical rock unto yourself trying to think your way out of it. Be practical and replace her with #1,2,3 above.

 

You may think my current lifestyle is messed up, but it sure got me past a 12 year relationship and 10 year marriage in a hurry.

 

Why do you think I chose that path?

[jen1447]

Not trying to be a naysayer but I kinda think that the very fact you're trying to convince yourself of the mantra means you don't actually believe any of it.

 

Love is just irrational and imperfect - I think that's about all the explanation you ever really get when it ends.

[Majormisstep]

Sycamore, I recently caught up with a guy friend I hadn't seen in years. Good looking man, never married but was in a relationship with a very vibrant, almost she-devil type of woman. He is a self-proclaimed *sshole so imagine the passion and hostility in that household. Their RL was about 7 years long and ended about 15 years ago.

 

This man is so full of vile and hatred for his ex it is almost frightening. He vows he is going to "get her" before he dies. I assume that means revenge in some capacity.

 

Anyway, he is still in the dating world and his inner turmoil oozes out of every pore. People pick up on those vibes and because of that he will never have a healthy relationship.

 

Moral of the story is to LET GO of that past. Learn from it though. Recognize the mistakes made and avoid them at all costs so they don't poison the future.

[loveweary11]

"By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning."

 

Credit: I think you know the author of this one.

[carhill]

s my damnation of her a binding agent?

I learned in MC how to let go of blame and damnation and, rather, to accept responsibility and look in the mirror and accept the death of the relationship, in our case marriage, and move on.

Is accepting responsibility for my own actions a binding agent?

If solely focused on self without regard or consideration of another, IMO it's a freeing agent, not binding. There are no others or, rather, there are billions of others and they are unremarkable.

 

An additional tool I learned was to, rather than fight emotions, embrace them and process them. If hurt, OK, it hurts, let's move forward. If anger, same. If fear, same. If deadly thoughts, same. Embrace them, accept them, process them and move on. Emotions are brain chemistry and transitory. Each of us has them as long as we're alive. In fact, IMO they're an important and valuable part of being alive.

 

Or, try this.

[writergal]

Sycamore pal - the longer you let your anger and resentment fester the more bitter you become and the more emotionally unavailable you remain, when the next "right woman for you" crosses your path. Do you want to jeopardize your own future relationship happiness by dwelling? Mantra schmantra.

 

If you really want to use a mantra to center yourself emotionally, then use Stuart Smalley's

[SycamoreCircle]

I'm not sure why everyone is so down on the idea of using a mantra. My main idea was to have an anchor when my mind starts to drift into negative thoughts about the whole thing. Something that could satisfy my tendency to get lost in the labyrinth of thoughts and feelings. Of course I want to let go. That goes without saying. I just have so much trouble accepting why she hurt me the way she did. If she wasn't happy and wanted out of the relationship, why didn't she just express that? Why did she start something with another guy? Why did she start smearing me to her family and friends? When I discovered all the lies and subterfuge she'd been involved with and exposed it and finally talked with her through e-mail, she wrote, "We're just very different people who do things differently and want different things." Sounds like a pretty cogent argument, right? Why proffer that AFTER all of the ugly, immature, abusive tactics???

 

She moved out of my place like a thief in the night. I barely knew what hit me. From what I understand, the new guy even came to my apartment. I would imagine this scenario for a guy who had been beating his girlfriend. She told me, "I'm scared of you" by the end, too. And weeks later I saw that she was smearing the relationship on FB. There was nothing satisfying about the relationship, etc. Yet, a few months ago she referenced me on FB, just like I was another ex-BF??? I thought to myself, "you mean me? the guy you fled from? the guy who made your life a living hell?"

 

So, Jen going back to your skepticism about my belief in the mantra. I want to have something to tell myself that I do believe, whatever that is. And I want it to put my wandering thoughts at ease. That is my intention.

 

Someone else said I don't have to wish her happiness. I feel that I do because I do care about her. Whenever I consider her vulnerability and youth, it makes me not wish harm on her. I know that she is finding her way through the world and it's unfortunate that I had to be an enemy to her. I feel that loving her in spite of herself will see me through my own anger and resentment.

[writergal]

Sycamore don't waste your time trying to find answers to all of the "why she did this/that" because she'll never give you an answer that will satisfy your curiosity and broken heart. So, first things first, stop wondering "why." You'll never know and learning to accept that is part of the healing process with breakups.

 

Ok fine you want a mantra. Choose one that is realistic for you. No one know what mantra works for you -- only you do. What is one phrase that you know will ground you? Did you use a mantra during your years as an actor? Did it work?

 

Some people are not as susceptible to mantras as other people. Like with hypnosis where some people are easy to suggest to, whereas others are not.

 

If distracting yourself with activities, sexual flings, work, or social life doesn't help you forget your ex, then how do you know that a mantra will help you forget her?

 

You don't have to forget her either. You just need to detach all the emotional feelings you have when you think of her, so that when you think of her you don't feel anything at all.

[SycamoreCircle]

You don't have to forget her either. You just need to detach all the emotional feelings you have when you think of her, so that when you think of her you don't feel anything at all.

I think I'm getting better. When I was with that Lithuanian sex-addict, I really enjoyed her body much more than my ex. They have very different body types. Unfortunately, that woman called it off with me(another thread). But at least I feel like I can start to desire other women. Maybe I'm at the point now, where as Loveweary suggests, fooling around with different women will help me. The months following my break up felt too raw for that comfort, but now things feel different. I just like hooking up with women, not sex necessarily---just conversation and kissing and cuddling.

 

I wish I could stop the questions. It's difficult, though. I always look at other couples out and about and wonder...what is so special about them? Why do they get to thrive? What did I do wrong?

[writergal]

I think I'm getting better. When I was with that Lithuanian sex-addict, I really enjoyed her body much more than my ex. They have very different body types. Unfortunately, that woman called it off with me(another thread). But at least I feel like I can start to desire other women. Maybe I'm at the point now, where as Loveweary suggests, fooling around with different women will help me. The months following my break up felt too raw for that comfort, but now things feel different. I just like hooking up with women, not sex necessarily---just conversation and kissing and cuddling.

 

I wish I could stop the questions. It's difficult, though. I always look at other couples out and about and wonder...what is so special about them? Why do they get to thrive? What did I do wrong?

 

Good to hear that you are getting better. But you didn't answer my question. Do you really need or want a mantra? I don't think you need one. I'm not sure why you want one.

 

And that's normal to rebound after a breakup, even if its just non-sexual companionship with women. Everyone does that, whether its sexual or not after a breakup. It is part of the healing process. So, you're totally normal in that sense. There is nothing wrong with you, ok?

 

 

Definitely don't compare your past relationship with your ex to couples you see in the present. No, that's bad. Bad! Don't torture yourself. There is nothing special about those couples you see. You didn't do anything wrong. You had a relationship that didn't work out. That's life, my friend. That's life.

 

 

When you are finally ready to let go and move on from your ex, you will. No one can predict when that will be for you either. Only you can decide when you're ready to let go. Once you let go, you'll feel like yourself 100% again and will be ready (emotionally available) to risk your heart enough to be vulnerable with a woman you feel and think is real relationship material. But until you get there, you need to curb your tendency to dwell and compare. Stop dwelling on the past. Stop comparing yourself to strange couples you see walking down the street.

 

 

Like everyone else on earth, you deserve to be happy again and in a fulfilling relationship that compliments your life and makes you happy. Hopefully that happens for you again. Only time will tell.

[jen1447]

So, Jen going back to your skepticism about my belief in the mantra. I want to have something to tell myself that I do believe, whatever that is. And I want it to put my wandering thoughts at ease. That is my intention.

 

But do you do that by methodically convincing yourself of sth you don't believe thru repetition? I think it'd be more productive to try to resolve the issues your mantra addresses, bc what it's really telling you is what your areas of concern/puzzlement/disillusion are, not that those things are all magically answered.

[SycamoreCircle]

But do you do that by methodically convincing yourself of sth you don't believe thru repetition? I think it'd be more productive to try to resolve the issues your mantra addresses, bc what it's really telling you is what your areas of concern/puzzlement/disillusion are, not that those things are all magically answered.

It seems to be the general consensus that those things can't be answered.

 

To come up with an analogy, let's say I accidentally kill someone walking on the freeway with my car. I feel responsible but law also says that person shouldn't have been there. Some days I feel like I am a terrible person. Other days I feel that it was the person's fault. There seems to be no perfect answer. So, in order to have peace, I need to invent a belief that validates both our choices---my choice to not be fully focused on my driving and the person's choice to walk in a dangerous and restricted area. Slowly, over time, the validation of both our choices answers the question as to why something as awful as this happened.

[jen1447]

It seems to be the general consensus that those things can't be answered.

 

To come up with an analogy, let's say I accidentally kill someone walking on the freeway with my car. I feel responsible but law also says that person shouldn't have been there. Some days I feel like I am a terrible person. Other days I feel that it was the person's fault. There seems to be no perfect answer. So, in order to have peace, I need to invent a belief that validates both our choices---my choice to not be fully focused on my driving and the person's choice to walk in a dangerous and restricted area. Slowly, over time, the validation of both our choices answers the question as to why something as awful as this happened.

 

I think they can be answered, but it sounds like your ex didn't do you the courtesy of offering you any answers or resolution. (Don't feel bad - most don't.)

 

That leaves simple acceptance, not answers, and you only get that thru time. The questions stop mattering so much as you forget. No one ever forgets completely but the urgency lessens - it stops existing in the present and moves to the past. Eventually, slowly ....but inevitably.

 

You don't get resolution on the car accident thing by eventually figuring out why they guy was there. He's dead - you'll never know. You get resolution by accepting that and accepting that despite your feelings of guilt, you didn't mean to hurt him, and what's done is done and it can't be changed.

[kenmore]

SC, I like your original mantra and I'd go with it. It makes a lot of sense, uses as you say the essence of what not only this place suggests but everything I have heard all through my miserable life, and it's basically good. It's much better than she's a lying cheating sack of ****.

 

And I censored myself...see? I'm learning too!

 

After reading this thread, I found your answers most convincing and I agree with your perspective the most. Kudos to Jen for that last answer about you killing a pedestrian on the freeway, it was a good question and a good answer, but completely f*cking unrelated to you and your ex. Oops, sometimes I slip.

 

I don't know as much about your situation as others here, but I am interested. What you described was hurtful and nonsensical as you pointed out. Yeah, your mantra is good, use it.

 

I don't have a mantra, I just bury myself in work and try to find ways of alleviating the pain as Loveweary says. He's also someone who knows his ****, and has an awesome perspective! Do what makes you happy. By now you have tried "other women", "forgiveness", "turning the other cheek", "pretending it doesn't matter" and are where you are. I completely understand! Do the mantra and tell us how it works. If it helps, then you have done us a service! If not, you have still done us a service! Science at work!

 

Regardless, science aside, I hope you can find some inner peace. You seem like a great guy and deserving of a great relationship. I truly hope you find it and find the peace to let this one slide into the past where it belongs! Take care.

 

Ken

[fireflywy]

I'm not sure why everyone is so down on the idea of using a mantra. My main idea was to have an anchor when my mind starts to drift into negative thoughts about the whole thing. Something that could satisfy my tendency to get lost in the labyrinth of thoughts and feelings. Of course I want to let go. That goes without saying. I just have so much trouble accepting why she hurt me the way she did. If she wasn't happy and wanted out of the relationship, why didn't she just express that? Why did she start something with another guy? Why did she start smearing me to her family and friends? When I discovered all the lies and subterfuge she'd been involved with and exposed it and finally talked with her through e-mail, she wrote, "We're just very different people who do things differently and want different things." Sounds like a pretty cogent argument, right? Why proffer that AFTER all of the ugly, immature, abusive tactics???

 

She moved out of my place like a thief in the night. I barely knew what hit me. From what I understand, the new guy even came to my apartment. I would imagine this scenario for a guy who had been beating his girlfriend. She told me, "I'm scared of you" by the end, too. And weeks later I saw that she was smearing the relationship on FB. There was nothing satisfying about the relationship, etc. Yet, a few months ago she referenced me on FB, just like I was another ex-BF??? I thought to myself, "you mean me? the guy you fled from? the guy who made your life a living hell?"

 

So, Jen going back to your skepticism about my belief in the mantra. I want to have something to tell myself that I do believe, whatever that is. And I want it to put my wandering thoughts at ease. That is my intention.

 

Someone else said I don't have to wish her happiness. I feel that I do because I do care about her. Whenever I consider her vulnerability and youth, it makes me not wish harm on her. I know that she is finding her way through the world and it's unfortunate that I had to be an enemy to her. I feel that loving her in spite of herself will see me through my own anger and resentment.

 

There is nothing wrong with using a mantra. Mantras are often invaluable in taking a concious conept, and through vigorous repition, having them accepted by the subconcious to make more automatic changes.