Trying to date someone with lots of male friends?

[elaine567]

ALL I wanted here was a chance, that's all.

Me, I'd give everything to have that.

 

My heart bleeds for you it really does, but you painted yourself into a corner there, dating is a numbers game and you have been hankering after the one girl, for far too long.

 

I'm just going to be brutally honest and say you're right, there isn't a girl out there for every guy.

Some guys are going to stay alone all their lives and die that way too. If you can't find a way to get yourself out of that sad sack mindset and gain some confidence there probably isn't going to be one for you either. =/

It's possible to get what you want, it's there for you, but at the end of the day it's up to you to motivate yourself and get it done. Your fate rests squarely on your shoulders.

 

The bottom line.

[ZA Dater]

My heart bleeds for you it really does, but you painted yourself into a corner there, dating is a numbers game and you have been hankering after the one girl, for far too long.

 

 

 

The bottom line.

 

Thanks.

 

I am however done with dating in its entirety. Last night deleted all the dating profiles (amazing how much money I have wasted on dating sites), deleted Tinder, not before looking at my "superb" matches of obese single moms or other people I have absolutely not interest in and nothing in common with.

 

Sure, its numbers, much like the lottery is numbers. For many people their numbers never come up.

 

Put simply I don't have any dating choices at all, for better or for worse you can say it rests on my shoulders and there is not a day that goes by where I don't regret what I am. I regret I ever decided not to follow the crowd, I regret the day I decided studying was more important than friends and I regret the day I spent 10 years studying.

 

I spent 7 years on dating sites, all that was for me was a brutal reality check that what I am is not what people want. Now I meet someone similar to me and she doesn't even want me either.

 

You cant not look at the terrible matches and think, "is that really the best I can attract", ones level of self worth goes south at a rate of knots.

 

People say put yourself out there and PLEASE don't tell me dance classes or hiking groups are "out there", both attract people who are nothing more than jaded.....like me.

 

The appeal of lets call her K was that K has the class I so wanted, the intellect I so enjoyed and I could really take her anywhere and she would fit in, be it with CEO's or be it with the common person. Speaking to her I just felt good about spending time with her, my natural shyness wasn't so evident, unlike anyone else she was learned, had diverse interests, didn't speak like trailer trash and didn't walk around with half her body on show.

 

Dating sites in SA (note the SA part) are simply hives for those with absolutely no hope whatsoever and here most people are married off before 30 so the pool reduces yet further.

 

Speed dating, I tried this, honestly again total waste of time, the calibre of people being so pathetically low.

 

To me dating sites are for those store items nobody wants or are slightly damaged, the reality is the best items always sell out first.

 

I think I need to emphasize something for completeness sake, life wise there are many positive things for me but being single all the time, being rejected all the time and being lonely all the time is driving an extremely painful hole through my mind. People simply don't understand how much this bothers me. People looking at you when you always go to events with no date, the one event I did take K to was the nicest event I ever went to for the simple reason I wasn't on my own.

 

Again, those who have partners they adore and who adore them, hold onto that, its an ideal I have/had in my mind for years, the reality is for me I never going to find it. I somehow need to find a life that isn't haunted by perpetual loneliness and feeling of being a complete looser.

 

Confidence its left the building and so has hope.

[joseb]

OK, a couple of ideas.

 

You mentioned paying for it - I might get flamed here, but I don't think that is such a terrible idea. Perhaps when you lose your V plates, you will have a slightly different perspective on it all.

 

Another one - move - leave SA.

Australia isn't perfect, but man it's a nice place to live, and a real mix of people, I'd be surprised if you couldn't find a few kindred spirits in Melbourne or Sydney.

 

Or wherever takes your fancy. The world is your oyster.

[ZA Dater]

OK, a couple of ideas.

 

You mentioned paying for it - I might get flamed here, but I don't think that is such a terrible idea. Perhaps when you lose your V plates, you will have a slightly different perspective on it all.

 

Another one - move - leave SA.

Australia isn't perfect, but man it's a nice place to live, and a real mix of people, I'd be surprised if you couldn't find a few kindred spirits in Melbourne or Sydney.

 

Or wherever takes your fancy.

 

I thought about paying, spent lot of time thinking about this but that's not the experience I want. Its never been about sex, yes with K I did want that but more than that its simply about not having to do everything alone, be nice to take someone to dinner, do the simple things people in relationships do.

 

Not leaving SA, that isn't an option at all.

 

I guess mostly I just crave the attention of a lady which I got on a social level with K, I didn't need to lower myself and try be less intelligent which I always seem to have to do.

[ZA Dater]

OK, a couple of ideas.

 

You mentioned paying for it - I might get flamed here, but I don't think that is such a terrible idea. Perhaps when you lose your V plates, you will have a slightly different perspective on it all.

 

Another one - move - leave SA.

Australia isn't perfect, but man it's a nice place to live, and a real mix of people, I'd be surprised if you couldn't find a few kindred spirits in Melbourne or Sydney.

 

Or wherever takes your fancy. The world is your oyster.

 

Sitting here the only idea that seems viable to me is to just learn to accept I cant have this idea and find something else in life to try and fill this ever increasing void.

[Qboro90]

If you've come to the decision that the Best way to fill that void is to..... Give up and forget dating all together then just expect that void to remain open. I get the vibe that you went and deleted all your dating site memberships and called off your search as a way of saying "F@;$ you world, im not playing your game anymore so Ha!" as if suddenly that will alert the eligible "classy" women to your existence and that'll help. Nothing's gonna change tho, not to be mean but no ones going to notice or care.

 

You're impressions that anyone who uses online dating in SA is a hapless loser or obese degenerate is a lame excuse that simply cannot be the case. Just because that's what people who have never used OLD say or tell you doesn't mean that it's the truth. OLD is only going to get bigger and bigger over the next few years. It's already normal in America and if it's not in other countries then in a few years it will be.

 

I've said this to you too many times already, you're 31, not 61. There is still plenty of time. You're your own worst enemy.

[ZA Dater]

 

You're impressions that anyone who uses online dating in SA is a hapless loser or obese degenerate is a lame excuse that simply cannot be the case.

 

Strangely enough its me not you who has spent 7 years on OLD in SA, thus I think I am somewhat in a better position to comment? Not so?

 

Sure 31, plenty of time except for one thing the longer I wait the faster my chances diminish, people are interested in 31yo guys who haven't dated, its a massive red flag at best and a total turnoff at worst.

 

Yes, going off those dating sites was a big F U to the world, I am not missing anything on those sites so why carry on with something where each day " so and so wants to chat", look at so and so and its another elephant.

 

No thanks.

[joseb]

Strangely enough its me not you who has spent 7 years on OLD in SA, thus I think I am somewhat in a better position to comment? Not so?

 

Sure 31, plenty of time except for one thing the longer I wait the faster my chances diminish, people are interested in 31yo guys who haven't dated, its a massive red flag at best and a total turnoff at worst.

 

Yes, going off those dating sites was a big F U to the world, I am not missing anything on those sites so why carry on with something where each day " so and so wants to chat", look at so and so and its another elephant.

 

No thanks.

 

I have to say I have found OKCupid in Australia to be much of the same.

I think I saw one attractive woman on it once!

[ZA Dater]

I have to say I have found OKCupid in Australia to be much of the same.

I think I saw one attractive woman on it once!

 

OKCupid, Zoosk, Dating Buzz, Elite Singles, Tinder, Badoo.

 

Tried them all, the standard of people on all of them in SA is pathetically low.

 

I am not really exaggerating here when I say most people who are nice and in the upper level are all married by 30.

[Qboro90]

Strangely enough its me not you who has spent 7 years on OLD in SA, thus I think I am somewhat in a better position to comment? Not so?

 

Sure 31, plenty of time except for one thing the longer I wait the faster my chances diminish, people are interested in 31yo guys who haven't dated, its a massive red flag at best and a total turnoff at worst.

 

Yes, going off those dating sites was a big F U to the world, I am not missing anything on those sites so why carry on with something where each day " so and so wants to chat", look at so and so and its another elephant.

 

No thanks.

 

 

You are the one who brought up the perception of people who use OLD so wouldn't someone who doesn't use it be exactly who you're referring to that has those opinions of it? I've met plenty of people and have friends and co workers that have met their partners or use OLD to meet women/men. It's never crossed my mind "oh wow you must be a real loser to do that". If I didn't meet my gf and I was going into my 30's single I think that I would absolutely use OLd to meet women. After you graduate college and settle into a career, your friends are busy with their jobs or partners, the opportunities to go out and meet random women in a social setting dramatically decrease. OLD is actually perfect for solving that problem so the stigma that maybe was around it 10 years ago is no longer there.

 

Again, most of this is your perception of what other people and what the eligible single women are thinking and what their mind sets are and quite frankly you're just wrong about it in most of your posts. I fail to see how someone who's never dated or been intimate with someone can tell others what those women consider as "red flags" and "total turn offs". That's a self depricating tactic to make it easier for you to cast that avenue aside where in reality it's your best option. These women don't know you, for all they know you can be a successful, career driven man who's had a ton of success with women and just hasn't found "the one" yet. At 31 years old that's completely normal. Being 31 and single isn't an immediate red flag "what's wrong with this person" as you say it is. Stop thinking that, it's plain old false.

[ZA Dater]

You are the one who brought up the perception of people who use OLD so wouldn't someone who doesn't use it be exactly who you're referring to that has those opinions of it? I've met plenty of people and have friends and co workers that have met their partners or use OLD to meet women/men. It's never crossed my mind "oh wow you must be a real loser to do that". If I didn't meet my gf and I was going into my 30's single I think that I would absolutely use OLd to meet women. After you graduate college and settle into a career, your friends are busy with their jobs or partners, the opportunities to go out and meet random women in a social setting dramatically decrease. OLD is actually perfect for solving that problem so the stigma that maybe was around it 10 years ago is no longer there.

 

Again, most of this is your perception of what other people and what the eligible single women are thinking and what their mind sets are and quite frankly you're just wrong about it in most of your posts. I fail to see how someone who's never dated or been intimate with someone can tell others what those women consider as "red flags" and "total turn offs". That's a self depricating tactic to make it easier for you to cast that avenue aside where in reality it's your best option. These women don't know you, for all they know you can be a successful, career driven man who's had a ton of success with women and just hasn't found "the one" yet. At 31 years old that's completely normal. Being 31 and single isn't an immediate red flag "what's wrong with this person" as you say it is. Stop thinking that, it's plain old false.

 

I will agree absolutely OLD has its uses IF you can find someone of interest on OLD who is carrying a bucket load of baggage BUT what I cant seem to convey is how TABOO OLD is in SA.

 

its not widely used at all as those who do use it would never admit to it. Thus the stigma is definitely still present here in SA.

 

Inexperience cannot be hidden but that's a whole different scenario. People can very easily tell if you an experience dater or not, for example do you hug when you meet the person, I don't because its just awkward.

 

Perhaps the greatest problem is the type of person I am attracted to is the type of person who would never find me attractive, hard as it is to say.

[Qboro90]

Where exactly are you getting the idea that OLD is taboo where you live from? Is it your friends that say so? Colleagues? Or just general perception? Either way the answer to those doesn't matter whatsoever for YOU. Are you carrying a high reputation as someone whose romantically successful? I wouldn't think so by what you've posted here. So what others think of OLD should be useless to you as right now it's your best shot at meeting women. Literally millions of people use OLD. It is just mathematically impossible for all of those people to have "baggage" and be hapless losers. In fact, the majority of people who are single I think use some form of OlD. Tinder is one of the fastest growing apps in the world for meeting people. If people where you live consider it taboo then they're either naive or just to conservatively wired to understand modern culture.

 

Inexperience can absolutely be hidden if you get out of your own head that you have "Virgin who's never had a gf" written across your forehead. You have the chance to write whatever script you want the first date with a woman. That's the best gift anyone can ask for. You bring your insecurities with you and make it obvious when you have no reason to.

 

First meeting... Walk up and either shake her hand or lean in immediately and kiss her on the cheek. No ones going to be weirded out by that. Hugging someone is more awkward than that. A kiss on the cheek is an appropriate "hello nice to meet you" on a first date. Just do it as you walk up to her.

[ZA Dater]

Where exactly are you getting the idea that OLD is taboo where you live from? Is it your friends that say so? Colleagues? Or just general perception? Either way the answer to those doesn't matter whatsoever for YOU. Are you carrying a high reputation as someone whose romantically successful? I wouldn't think so by what you've posted here. So what others think of OLD should be useless to you as right now it's your best shot at meeting women. Literally millions of people use OLD. It is just mathematically impossible for all of those people to have "baggage" and be hapless losers. In fact, the majority of people who are single I think use some form of OlD. Tinder is one of the fastest growing apps in the world for meeting people. If people where you live consider it taboo then they're either naive or just to conservatively wired to understand modern culture.

 

Inexperience can absolutely be hidden if you get out of your own head that you have "Virgin who's never had a gf" written across your forehead. You have the chance to write whatever script you want the first date with a woman. That's the best gift anyone can ask for. You bring your insecurities with you and make it obvious when you have no reason to.

 

First meeting... Walk up and either shake her hand or lean in immediately and kiss her on the cheek. No ones going to be weirded out by that. Hugging someone is more awkward than that. A kiss on the cheek is an appropriate "hello nice to meet you" on a first date. Just do it as you walk up to her.

 

Tried Tinder, I go and like everyone and surprise, what ends up liking me. Obese, 30+yo, kids, not the 24-25yo slim, curvy I am looking for.

 

I am simply not interested in online dating at all. In 7 years its done nothing positive for me at all, just made me feel ever more hopeless, cutting it out completely is one of the better decisions I have made.

 

Fact I what I want is exceedingly rare and I thought I had a very real chance of actually getting it with this last chick but obviously I don't bring enough to the table.

 

Its fair to say I am becoming increasingly bitter towards the whole idea as well as cynical.

 

Everything I do in life is geared towards helping other people but when I want just one date, well that's like asking for the keys for Fort Knox. Hell, I'd be happy to be friend zoned by someone I found exceptional, at least it would mean I wouldn't be on my own all the time.

 

I am too shy to ever try for more than friends anyway.

 

For me a large part of life is lived like a kid looking through the window of a sweet store and what isn't lived like that is lived vicariously through the success of others.