Dumped Day After Divorce

[MichRob1]

I've been dating a wonderful man for just over a year. We knew each other previously but started dating a few weeks after he and his wife separated. They were only married a year after a very quick engagement and on all accounts there was not much of a marriage at all, though it was she who left in the end, he told me he had not been in love with her for months but had loved her just as part of his everyday life.

 

We have had a great relationship and seemingly sailed through the past year. I knew he struggled with feelings of failure regarding his marriage but did not miss his wife at all and was glad it was behind him. He was angry that she left and landed him to deal with the practical legal

and financial repercussions.

 

We made plans for the future, I became very close with his family. He was loving and affectionate and I couldn't find fault with the way he treated me at all.

 

We were due to move in together in two weeks time and he was so excited about it, but last week it all went wrong. He was working away. Wednesday... Everything is normal, making plans for my move, he tells me how much he loves me etc. Thursday... He is quiet but I knew it was the date the divorce was finalised so I figured I'd leave him be. Friday... He texts to say he needs to be alone and it's over. He's sorry and I'm amazing but he can't cope and needs to be alone to sort his head out and have a clean slate.

 

So, I'm heartbroken, have given up my job and apartment and have a job in his city waiting for me...

 

He hasn't spoken to me on the phone at all he will only say that he has to be selfish and has to be alone. He picked up his things but said he was too ashamed of hurting me to come inside.

 

I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do. I thought he was the man I would be with forever and he said he did too. Even his family and my family has assumed we were forever.

 

I understand he might need time to process the finality of his divorce and I would be happy to give him all the space and time he needs but this all seems so final. I don't know what to do. I've gone none contact as he says he just wants to be alone and sort himself out.

 

I still need to move to his city for work, other than hoping he will come around and we will reconcile I don't know what to do. Any words of wisdom? I don't want to lose this amazing man.

[ravfour4]

Lesson learned: don't date a married man. If he's hooking up with you while married he's already lying to his wife and not a respectful person and look...he did the exact same thing to you. Lied to you and disrespected you. You knew what to expect, you just ignored it.

[Tayla]

okay .... so a year after his divorce he suddenly has a flash of grief ? Wow , rather delayed.

 

Go move to the city, take the job.

 

Rarely am I cynical... yet somehow Im wondering if he really did get divorced...

 

Ohh.. and, welcome to Loveshack. Hope you get to share some wisdom here on the boards. Fresh ideas are welcomed.

[Gus Grimly]

Rarely am I cynical... yet somehow Im wondering if he really did get divorced...

That thought did cross my mind as I was reading the story.

[aloneinaz]

OP,

 

 

I'm not sure how you viewing him now as "an amazing man"? Something is certainly wrong here for him to suddenly switch from white to black so quickly. You should be curious if he did reconcile with his ex OR if there was someone else in the picture that you were not aware of. It sounds like he lived away from you, yes? I'd be suspicious of another person (wife/another girl) causing this sudden end to your R/S.

 

 

What should you do? Are you a tough person with strong self esteem? If so, you need to VANISH from his life. Block him on everything. Would you really consider taking him back? How long till he pulled another stunt like that?

 

 

I don't know if moving to his city still is a good idea. Can you stay where you are?

[MichRob1]

For the record... There was no cheating, he and his wife separated and we started dating about a month later. We knew each other previously but I hadn't spoken to him got 8 months before he asked me out, didn't even have his number. Just knew him as a friend of a friend.

 

He is definitely divorced, I've seen the paperwork from the beginning and been present when he's been on the phone to his lawyer.

 

I have to move to new city. No choice now. I've started looking for an apartment.

 

I don't know if I should just forget it or, as people keep telling me, he needs space and a chance to grieve his marriage - which he never did because we got together - and he'll come back. He also refuse to text his friends and hasn't told anyone of our break-up, which makes me think there's something more going on with him.

[rebel]

For the record... There was no cheating, he and his wife separated and we started dating about a month later. We knew each other previously but I hadn't spoken to him got 8 months before he asked me out, didn't even have his number. Just knew him as a friend of a friend.

 

He is definitely divorced, I've seen the paperwork from the beginning and been present when he's been on the phone to his lawyer.

 

I have to move to new city. No choice now. I've started looking for an apartment.

 

I don't know if I should just forget it or, as people keep telling me, he needs space and a chance to grieve his marriage - which he never did because we got together - and he'll come back. He also refuse to text his friends and hasn't told anyone of our break-up, which makes me think there's something more going on with him.

 

This is kinda my thinking based on my experience. I was engaged, my ex was married. We both got together right after our break ups because we knew each other, had dated years prior and thought it was right. Even though we were in love, she had a lot of insecurities and I realised i needed to be alone (as my prior reationship was emotionally taxing).

 

We split, it was messy and we still love each other dearly. But neither of us had the chance to grieve our previous relationships.Now, Im single, living back with the parents (which does have its perks) and shes going overseas next year for a year, by herself.

 

I know it sounds a bit silly but both of us believe that we will get back together in a year and a half, once the two of us have done our healing.

 

I think your ex was similar. There is a 'need' to feel loved right after a relationship break up us there is so much pain involved. Having someone is great because it eases that pain, but you need to be by yourself a loooooooong time after ending a relationship. If you truly love him and he truly loves you, then in a few months or a year or as long as it takes when his head is clear, He may come back to you.

[MichRob1]

I think your ex was similar. There is a 'need' to feel loved right after a relationship break up us there is so much pain involved. Having someone is great because it eases that pain, but you need to be by yourself a loooooooong time after ending a relationship. If you truly love him and he truly loves you, then in a few months or a year or as long as it takes when his head is clear, He may come back to you.

 

And if this is the case, as those closest to him believe and essentially what he has said himself (granted he said very little... I'm so sorry, I'm ashamed of hurting you, I need to be alone, I need a clean slate, I need to sort myself out), how do I play it?

 

Be supportive? Offer to be there? Tell him to f*** off?

 

The week immediately following the break up I was in touch as we had practical matters to solve. I didn't ask him to get back together but told him if that's what he felt he needed then I loved him and I'd let him be alone.

 

Since then I've gone NC, but not blocked him. I'm sure he will try to contact me soon as we have a vacation booked that we obviously need to work out what to do with. Should I just ignore him until I get a 180 message? Or be a bit softer?

 

I care for him greatly and fear he's going through a hard time. What he has done (needed time alone) doesn't bother be so much, if he wanted time or to slow things down I'd have given it to him, but dumping me two weeks before I move in with him when I've given up my job and home for him via text message is really ****ty.

 

Any advice on where to go from here. Other than find a new place to live (almost sorted), start my new job (I will) and be awesome.

 

I guess if he really just wanted time to grieve but does still have feelings for me, I don't want him to think he can't come back when he feels ready, however, I don't want to seem like I'm waiting around at his beck and call and that I'm ok with the way he has treated me the past week either.

[rebel]

Where do you go from here? I dunno... that's a tough one.

 

With my situation, I guess I'm lucky as I basically have... a year and a half to decide if we are getting back together and anything could happen in that time.

 

Its really up to you.. You coud go the angle of... telling him that you want to try again but very slowly as your are reeeeally hurt but what happened, or go to get counselling (or make sure he gets some to heal from his marriage). Or, maybe your wound in too big and its better to cut your losses.

 

Thats why Id suggest NC for a couple of months so see what your heart says.

 

Whats your gut telling you?

[MichRob1]

Whats your gut telling you?

 

My gut tells me that his feelings for me can't possibly have evaporated in the space of 48 hours. But he has been adamant about pushing me away, even when I've tried to be calm and accepting and come across like I'm supportive of his decision to be alone.

 

If I could wave a magic wand I wouldn't jump back into the place we were at - about to move in together etc.

 

I would like it, if I could mould the future, to move to the new city, give him some NC time (both of these are happening at present) then start again at the dating phase. Obviously, once you know someone as closely as we did you cant really undo that but I mean take things very slowly while he sorts himself out. Not texting sun up to sun down, not spending every minute we can together...

 

But I can't choose how I want this to pan out unfortunately,

 

A part of me says that the relationship we had can't possibly be over for good. It just makes no sense. But him talking about cancelling our vacation in February makes me feel that he sees this as very final.

[rebel]

 

I would like it, if I could mould the future, to move to the new city, give him some NC time (both of these are happening at present) then start again at the dating phase. Obviously, once you know someone as closely as we did you cant really undo that but I mean take things very slowly while he sorts himself out. Not texting sun up to sun down, not spending every minute we can together...

 

If only a magic wand was avaliable in times like this!!

 

That sounds like a smart rational thought process. No... No way would he have been over you that quick. His brain is prob wired a bit different and in times of stress, we do things that we normally wouldnt do.

 

Id do what you suggested tbh. Take some time, grieve the relationship you had, and see if you can start a new one when those wounds heal.

[elaine567]

YOU were the rebound.

 

He was dumped.

He says he was not all that fussed about his wife, but I guess he was more hurt than he liked to admit.

Men tend not to get engaged and married to women they are just "meh" about. Marriage is a big deal; being then dumped, is a big blow to the ego, if nothing else.

 

YOU were the substitute, you slotted nicely into his life and it was all great. He was so loving to you, because he quickly put you in the space his ex had occupied. His family did the same.

BUT he never really had a chance to sort his head out - he immediately replaced his ex with you.

When it all got serious, ie your moving in plans and he now being divorced, he realised he was being railroaded into a relationship that he was unsure of.

 

YOU were NOT the ex, you were simply the replacement, the woman that merely fitted into the empty hole his ex left, and I guess he suddenly woke up to that fact.

With his ex walking out, he was lost in the fog.

He needed a hand, he gladly took the first friendly hand offered (yours) and then when the fog cleared, he suddenly realised the hand was the hand of a complete stranger.

 

He is now a free man, he can now see who he pleases. He can make sensible decisions, he is no longer in the fog, he has no longer any need to grab the first friendly hand offered.

I guess he feels he no longer needs your support to get over his failed marriage, as that desperate need I guess ended with the divorce.

He now realises, he doesn't need to run headlong into another serious relationship either.

 

This is the big problem with dating separated people, and why many suggest steering well clear.

Go NC, heal and move on.

[Gus Grimly]

Obviously, once you know someone as closely as we did you cant really undo that but I mean take things very slowly while he sorts himself out.

Sort himself out, like date other woman and live his life while you stand on the sidelines waiting patiently for him to call you back in the game? No way.

 

A part of me says that the relationship we had can't possibly be over for good.

That's how everyone who gets dumped feels. There's always hope of reconciliation with unrealistic expectations that the relationships can be salvaged. It's over. You need to accept the end has arrived. Once that happens you'll be ready to start healing.

 

I agree with elaine567, you were definitely a rebound.

[unsaved]

I am so sorry you are going through this experience. It is one of the most pailful and confusing things anyone could ever go through. I know, because I just went through this too, but in the MUCH more drawn-out, painful version that has lasted almost 3 years. I IMPLORE you to stay away from him now on and move on with your life.

 

I went through something very similar to this story but different time references and circumstances. I'll only warn you that is HIGHLY LIKELY that if he is confused and not over his wife or has not processed the failure or pain from the divorce right now, he won't be over it or through this for a very long time. And even after that time period of being alone and "finding himself" and dating around, he STILL will probably only view you as "meh" and a rebound and someone who helped him get through a hard time. I'm sure he is grateful to you for that. But that is it. I realize our situations and men are different. But see this as just a warning. I have been trolling the internet on this subject for almost 3 years regarding the same topics you have described. I have not found 1 result where someone said that after he "found himself," he came back and we lived happily ever after.

 

I almost thought my situation was going to work out and be different from everyone else's i've read about....My guy actually came back to me after he took a year and a half of "grieving and processing and finding himself" and stringing me along and me waiting (and admittedly me stringing myself along because of hope). When he came back to me, we were in a true relationship for 1 year (met families, said ILY, totally involved in everything together). I thought "YES, he loves me! I'm so special!" BUT, he just broke up with me again. And this time around was way worse than before.

 

I was a rebound. I always will be. I was the one who "saved him from his divorce." And that is it. I know he will always care about me and view me as someone special. But not THE special one. And this has been an awful 3 years of heartache.

 

Don't do it. Move on.

[aloneinaz]

Sort himself out, like date other woman and live his life while you stand on the sidelines waiting patiently for him to call you back in the game? No way.

 

 

That's how everyone who gets dumped feels. There's always hope of reconciliation with unrealistic expectations that the relationships can be salvaged. It's over. You need to accept the end has arrived. Once that happens you'll be ready to start healing.

 

I agree with elaine567, you were definitely a rebound.

 

 

^^ This

 

 

OP- As a guy let me tell you this. I'd never suddenly end a relationship with someone I really loved. Guys always have a "I need my mommy" mentality when they are under duress. I've ALWAYS leaned on my gal when going through tough times. I certainly wouldn't dump them out of the blue.

 

 

I really think you need to come to terms that this guy simply wasn't that into you, thus you had that outcome. Don't lose sight of how he ended it either. That speaks volumes about his lack of character as well.

 

 

I think you should vanish from this guy. Don't be his fall back or plan B if he suddenly changes direction and contacts you again because he's lonely or horny. If I was in your position and a woman did this to me? Oh hell no, she'd be GONE from my life and never hear from me again.

[elaine567]

OP- As a guy let me tell you this. I'd never suddenly end a relationship with someone I really loved. Guys always have a "I need my mommy" mentality when they are under duress. I've ALWAYS leaned on my gal when going through tough times. I certainly wouldn't dump them out of the blue.

 

 

Agreed.

People only leave those they truly love due to excessive family pressure, race issues, war or religion.

People who are free to love who they want, but under duress or stress, tend to want to hang on extra tight to those they love.

[Mrin]

This doesn't add up no matter how you look at it. My hunch: he got himself into a situation that required him to immediately and irrevocably cut you out of his life. I can think of only two such situations:

 

1. He reconciled with his wife. Divorce day reconciliations happen all the time. I am sure he was going through the process but did the decree actually get issued? You can check on that easily.

 

2. He got his wife or someone else pregnant.

[MichRob1]

I'm certain neither of the above are the case.

 

However, I guess I move to the new city, get into my job and the social scene there and if he does come calling (he knows I am still moving there)... try my best to just kick him to the kerb.

 

I should say that there was one incident in our relationship, about 5 months in, where he sent me a near identical text to the one I got last week. However, within half an hour he called, in tears, saying that he was so overwhelmed by what was going on in his life, that everything had fallen apart, he couldn't cope with the practical/financial parts of the divorce and just didn't know what to do. He said he didn't want to lose me it was all too much for him. He came over and cried on my bed for a few more hours and I promised we'd get through it together. He said he just wanted to get to the stage where he and I could be happy together.

 

This probably doesn't change the current situation though, just something I missed out earlier.

Edited August 16, 2015 by MichRob1

[writergal]

I'm certain neither of the above are the case.

 

However, I guess I move to the new city, get into my job and the social scene there and if he does come calling (he knows I am still moving there)... try my best to just kick him to the kerb.

 

I don't blame you for wanting an explanation for his sudden decision to ignore you. I'd want (and feel I'd deserve) an explanation.

 

And I don't see anything wrong with reaching out to him once you are settled into your new job and new apartment. Send him an email or leave him a voicemail. Invite him to meet you out for coffee on some weekend afternoon. Maybe he'll show up. Or at least reply to your email with an explanation.

 

The advice around LS tends to be a very black & white "go no contact" philosophy. I think that advice is well intentioned but it's definitely not always good advice. You and he are both adults. Reach out to him again after you move and see if he responds.

[sandylee1]

How sad.

 

I think the term 'replacement ' doesn't sound so good here. If having a BF or GF after you break up with someone or get divorced, then most of us are replacements. One human doesn't replace another, we're not dead batteries.

 

OP - he may be very overwhelmed with it all. I think the decision to move in together was too hasty. He needs to get his head together and you need to focus on yourself.

 

Continue NC. Don't ever make the move to contact him again.

Move for your job. It could be a new beginning for you.

 

Give yourself time to get used to the city. Settle into work and get friendly with your new coworkers if you like them. I'm sure they'll be happy to tell you about the area and the best places.

 

Then start socialising and get out there and meet new people.

 

In years to come you could be with the man of your dreams, that you wouldn't have met if you never moved there and you'll realise that every cloud has a silver lining.

[elaine567]

How sad.

 

I think the term 'replacement ' doesn't sound so good here. If having a BF or GF after you break up with someone or get divorced, then most of us are replacements. One human doesn't replace another, we're not dead batteries.

 

 

There is a huge difference between normal relationships and rebound relationships.

 

In a normal relationship we have moved on from the last one. I am not saying we forget or we never give them a second thought, but we are not still hankering after them and we are not still hurt to the core. We are ready to embrace a completely new person into our lives.

 

In a rebound, we have not got over that last person, we have not achieved closure, we still want them, we are still very hurt. We are not ready to move on, but we need someone/anyone and we turn to the first person who will have us. We replace the person we cannot have with a person we can have.

Instead of spending months even years, upset and anxious, we can skip all that and merely pretend the new person is our ex.

 

The rebound person basks in the love and attention, they feel so special, so adored, so loved, they feels they have known this person for years. It is not at all like being in a brand new relationship where things may seem a bit awkward for a while.

They start to feel as if they ARE "the one", they have found their soulmate. It is bliss.

 

ONLY the previously hurt person wakes up one day, and realises this woman/man is NOT the ex, in fact they are not sure who this person exactly is, so they do what they see is the right thing to do and that is to split up and walk away.

[unsaved]

I completely agree with Elaine. She was a rebound. She was a replacement.

 

Elaine was spot on with everything else too. Some people leave relationships and are ready to move on and don't have any other extra baggage or other crap that they have to deal with from the relationship before. That is why we are all not replacements after other people. In this particular case and in many cases, a person gets dumped or gets divorced or has tons of issues and problems from their previous relationship that they have not gotten over yet. What they do is they take a rebound to use to fill the voids and hide from the pain from before. Eventually, the "fog" and emotion lifts and they see this new rebound as nothing more. Then, the desperately want out.

 

Perhaps another person came along. Maybe the ex wife or current wide is back. Maybe they just would rather be alone to finally deal with the crap in their brain they were avoiding while rebounding with you. No matter what, you are "meh" to him as far as love goes. You weren't the one for him. Sorry. The truth hurts.

 

Honestly, in this particular case, I'm worried that this guy is going to come back. In fact, he may come back over and over and over again bexause him actually being alone is going to be hard and he will need someone to fill the gaps.

 

Good luck with this part. I fell for it every time. I wasn't strong and I gave in.

Again, I would stay NC and just find someone else. It is NOT worth it or the heartache that ensues.

[aloneinaz]

 

In a rebound, we have not got over that last person, we have not achieved closure, we still want them, we are still very hurt. We are not ready to move on, but we need someone/anyone and we turn to the first person who will have us. We replace the person we cannot have with a person we can have.

Instead of spending months even years, upset and anxious, we can skip all that and merely pretend the new person is our ex.

 

 

 

While I agree with this post, this bolded line is important. I think many dumpees (including me) have dated not being over there last ex or achieving "closure" and were still very hurt. The distinction I want to point out is feeling all those things and NOT wanting to be with that dumper again.

 

 

I think the vast majority of people that are single are at some stage of getting over their last ex. Clearly, some are further down the path to being "over" their last ex than others. Becoming a rebound is no bigger risk in my mind than is getting dumped. An experienced dater can pick up signs pretty quickly if the person their dating is not over their ex. I've run into a few gals like that when I was dating and ran the other direction. Some people can get dumped and be on the dating sites within a week. Others take months or years to feel ready to date again. I really think the distinction should be if you know your last relationship wasn't healthy and there's no value in revisiting it, you can successfully date. You can have a new relationship without worrying about the whole "rebound" issue.

 

 

When I met my GF 3-4 months after my last ex dumped me from a year R/S, I was still hurting, ANGRY and bitter. My GF was 6 months out of her last relationship where her heart was ripped from her chest by a douche bag who dumped her, went back to his crazy ex. So, she was a "rebound" to him. She recognized that and had just started to date again when she met me. She was still hurting from the experience but was like me in saying she'd NEVER date him again. We've been together 2 years now and share a home together. If people looked at us on paper, we were a walking billboard of what a "rebound" relationship should of been.

 

 

I'm rambling here.. I just think far too many people wait WAY too long before re-entering the dating arena. I will never agree that you have to be 100% over your last relationship before you can successfully date and look for you next great one. People need to chose their own path obviously. I just know in my case and in many others, it was only when we started dating again that we really recovered from our last R/S. Spending time with the opposite sex, laughing, enjoying the companionship is a good thing for our self esteem. It quickly restores our confidence when you realize there are other people who enjoy our company and want to be with us. You can't find that by sitting home, feeling rotten about being dumped and un-wanted for months and months and months and obsessing over the ex.

[MichRob1]

So, following from this, how would anyone advise me to heal quickly enough to not be emotional destroyed by going to live in his town? And it's not exactly a large one either.

 

My only alternative is to move in with parents on the other side of the state.

Edited August 18, 2015 by MichRob1