Itspointless Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 I don’t trust myself in that I will be able to completely shut him out…I know this might sound crazy but I was sexually abused once. And despite being abused I went BACK to the abuser because I couldn’t handle being alone. I was willing to experience that abuse than to be alone. I just need a coping method to learn how to be content in being alone this time. I’m so sorry, I don’t want to make it seem like I’m not taking this advice people have provided on here. I’m just trying to say that I know it will be hard for me to maintain it. I forgot to answer this quoted part due to my annoyance. The hormone Oxitocin is responsible for you what you are describing. Right now you are (chemically) addicted to him. The fix seems to be better than the thread of possible abuse, as with that abuser in your past. Given that history you really (!) need to work with a professional, as you seem attracted to people who are really unhealthy for you, that all has to do with the models we had as children. It is really important for you to work on this. But first your need to detox!
minimariah Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Also…is it possible that my moodiness, insecurities and lack of love caused him to treat me this way? Perhaps, if I was more loving and less depressed I wouldn’t have pushed him to this point? no, it's not. the way he had treated you IS not your fault. go to therapy, seek counseling & take care of yourself. put you first, take care of your depression... work on that now. judging from your posts - he was a horrible partner and couldn't support you, basically blaming you for being depressed. and DO NOT... i repeat, DO NOT call him back. he doesn't deserve a damn thing. go straigh up NC, ignore the hell out of his existence when you see him. who knows what had happened in that psycho's head.
angel.eyes Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Please ignore him! His treatment of you during the breakup was appalling. It's one thing to walk away from a relationship. Quite another to kick someone, laugh at the pain caused, and then threaten to humiliate them as you walk away. You don't need the latter in your life. The sooner you deal with your depression and co-dependency issues, the better for you. It sounds as if you have quite a bit of personal work to do. Best of luck! 1
Author broken25 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 Hi there, I'm sorry I'm back, but I just need a little help again. I posted a while ago (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/538806-my-fiance-just-cut-me-out-his-life-without-telling-me-why) about how my fiancé cut me out. After he told me off, he did end up calling me - but I didn't pick up because of all the advice given here telling me not to respond. But then a few days later, I couldn't help it and I texted him one last time saying "Are you ending things without even telling me why?" And he responded saying "I never said that." Since then I havn't contacted him, and neither has he. I didn't understand why he would have ignored me, and said all those things to me if he didn't didn't intend on ending things. Regardless, I had no mental energy to continue to inquire whether things were over or not. I was/am still hurt over all the things he said to me, and didn't want to hear anything else causing greater issues for my own mental health. I have since then started therapy, and am seeing a psychiatrist next week to decide whether I need medication or not. But anyway, I'm having a very difficult time getting through this as I'm not even sure if I have come to terms with the 'break up' since he didn't explicitly even break-up with me. He left me confused and without any sense of closure. Apparently he has 'lectured' me enough during our time together - and he wasn't going to do it anymore, because I would never understand. I have attempted to go NC a couple of times but find it hard doing so as I'm constantly checking social media to see whether he has deleted me yet or not. I feel like being deleted will be such a big blow, but perhaps that is what I need to understand that it is over? He still has our pictures up, and it still says we're engaged on FB, but I think he's refraining from removing all this right now because of how family/friends will react. I just need some help implementing NC. It's been a month now since we had our last 'good' conversation, and about 2 weeks since there has been any contact. I find myself constantly reflecting and analyzing our relationship, to get some answers on why it had to end this way
PegNosePete Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 I just need some help implementing NC. It's been a month now since we had our last 'good' conversation, and about 2 weeks since there has been any contact. Why do you need help implementing it? Seems like you're doing fine! 2 weeks with no contact is exactly how it should be. Keep it up! I find myself constantly reflecting and analyzing our relationship, to get some answers on why it had to end this way Look, there's only one reason that you need to understand. It ended because he wanted it to end. I often come up against this same thing in my life as well. A couple of weeks ago I was meant to be going out for a curry with a mate but he cancelled because he had no money. Yet the next night he was out with other mates. Now I could sit around all day trying to figure out why he did and how he suddenly had money for them but not for me, and how we had it arranged for weeks and he could have saved money from his last pay day. But ultimately there's only one conclusion: he chose to cancel on me because he wanted to. And that's how it is with your breakup too. He chose to break up and he chose to not reveal the reasons to you. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to force him to tell you the truth. As for the social media, delete the engagement, delete his friendship and BLOCK him. Then you will not be tempted to check his status, and in fact even if you are tempted, you won't be able to. 2
Redhead14 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Hi there, I'm sorry I'm back, but I just need a little help again. I posted a while ago (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/538806-my-fiance-just-cut-me-out-his-life-without-telling-me-why) about how my fiancé cut me out. After he told me off, he did end up calling me - but I didn't pick up because of all the advice given here telling me not to respond. But then a few days later, I couldn't help it and I texted him one last time saying "Are you ending things without even telling me why?" And he responded saying "I never said that." Since then I havn't contacted him, and neither has he. I didn't understand why he would have ignored me, and said all those things to me if he didn't didn't intend on ending things. Regardless, I had no mental energy to continue to inquire whether things were over or not. I was/am still hurt over all the things he said to me, and didn't want to hear anything else causing greater issues for my own mental health. I have since then started therapy, and am seeing a psychiatrist next week to decide whether I need medication or not. But anyway, I'm having a very difficult time getting through this as I'm not even sure if I have come to terms with the 'break up' since he didn't explicitly even break-up with me. He left me confused and without any sense of closure. Apparently he has 'lectured' me enough during our time together - and he wasn't going to do it anymore, because I would never understand. I have attempted to go NC a couple of times but find it hard doing so as I'm constantly checking social media to see whether he has deleted me yet or not. I feel like being deleted will be such a big blow, but perhaps that is what I need to understand that it is over? He still has our pictures up, and it still says we're engaged on FB, but I think he's refraining from removing all this right now because of how family/friends will react. I just need some help implementing NC. It's been a month now since we had our last 'good' conversation, and about 2 weeks since there has been any contact. I find myself constantly reflecting and analyzing our relationship, to get some answers on why it had to end this way Apparently he has 'lectured' me enough during our time together - and he wasn't going to do it anymore, because I would never understand. -- He has apparently been telling you for some time what was wrong for him with the relationship. He simply got tired of telling you and felt it was pointless to keep rehashing things. Do you actually want to hear the words he might actually have to use to get you to understand -- blunt, unsugarcoated and harsh? It appears he was getting to that point . . . Let this fade. The pain will fade as well. Think of it this way, if you hear the words, it will be like being hit by a train. If you lived, every single bone would be broken and there would be even more damage to recover from and some you'd never recover from. Focus on yourself and your needs now. Do nice things for yourself. Get centered again. Be the strong, secure, independent woman you can be. Be happy with yourself and remember that a woman needs to know how to make herself happy. A man should only enhance the happiness a woman already has for herself, not bring all of it to her. That would be a lot of work. Take this time, not to reflect on the relationship as a whole, but what your role was during that period and what was lacking for you. If there were things lacking for him, you certainly had some things that were lacking for you. Learn from the relationship and from yourself. 1
aloneinaz Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 You need to accept that it's over at this point. You don't need words of closure as his ACTIONS are telling you everything you need to know. What you need to do now is BLOCK him on all social media! You can't spy on anyone when you can't see their stuff. Yes, it's hard to do it but you'll feel relief when you're done blocking him. If you have any of his stuff, collect it all and have a friend return it to his place. You need to have all reasons for contact behind you. Once you block him on everything, you need to stick to NC and that along with time passing will help you move forward. Out of sight, out of mind will allow you to heal. 1
GoBlue Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Let's make it clear that going NC is one tool that is useful in getting through a break-up, it's not the end-all and the magic cure for everything pertaining to the pain of what you feel. Most people who are in your position would like some kind of an explanation of why your partner has decided to end the engagement. NC is instituted as a means to heal yourself simply because opening yourself to constant contact reminds you of your feelings and exposes you to that heartache. The truth of the matter is that your fiance sounds like he was trying to constantly change you instead of being a life partner. It also sounds like he was never happy but always looking for something to "lecture" you about. He may have done you the biggest favor of your life. This may not be what you want to hear but it is something to consider very strongly. I know that you mentioned therapy but do you have a support group as well, family, friends, Pastor, or a woman's group to help you through this difficult phase? My thoughts and prayers are with you. 2
gls081209 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Deactivate your social media - PRONTO! You don't need to see him, your mutual friends, photos on your profile with him, or if he deleted you. Don't do that to yourself, it's only going to hurt you more. You need go off the radar and just start thinking about YOU! 2
Author broken25 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 Why do you need help implementing it? Seems like you're doing fine! 2 weeks with no contact is exactly how it should be. Keep it up! Look, there's only one reason that you need to understand. It ended because he wanted it to end. I often come up against this same thing in my life as well. A couple of weeks ago I was meant to be going out for a curry with a mate but he cancelled because he had no money. Yet the next night he was out with other mates. Now I could sit around all day trying to figure out why he did and how he suddenly had money for them but not for me, and how we had it arranged for weeks and he could have saved money from his last pay day. But ultimately there's only one conclusion: he chose to cancel on me because he wanted to. And that's how it is with your breakup too. He chose to break up and he chose to not reveal the reasons to you. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to force him to tell you the truth. As for the social media, delete the engagement, delete his friendship and BLOCK him. Then you will not be tempted to check his status, and in fact even if you are tempted, you won't be able to. I guess you are right. I guess the problem in my case was that he wasn't making it clear that he wanted to end it, but he was making it quite clear that he wouldn't put up with my non-sense anymore until I showed him 'consistent effort' - but the approach he took to make all this apparent to me was quite disrespectful and hurtful, and made it seem like I would have to enslave myself, and continuously run after him to 'win' him back again. But you're right, I will remove any sort of interaction off social media to prevent myself from stalking him.
Author broken25 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 Apparently he has 'lectured' me enough during our time together - and he wasn't going to do it anymore, because I would never understand. -- He has apparently been telling you for some time what was wrong for him with the relationship. He simply got tired of telling you and felt it was pointless to keep rehashing things. Do you actually want to hear the words he might actually have to use to get you to understand -- blunt, unsugarcoated and harsh? It appears he was getting to that point . . . Let this fade. The pain will fade as well. Think of it this way, if you hear the words, it will be like being hit by a train. If you lived, every single bone would be broken and there would be even more damage to recover from and some you'd never recover from. Focus on yourself and your needs now. Do nice things for yourself. Get centered again. Be the strong, secure, independent woman you can be. Be happy with yourself and remember that a woman needs to know how to make herself happy. A man should only enhance the happiness a woman already has for herself, not bring all of it to her. That would be a lot of work. Take this time, not to reflect on the relationship as a whole, but what your role was during that period and what was lacking for you. If there were things lacking for him, you certainly had some things that were lacking for you. Learn from the relationship and from yourself. Ugh. This response really hurt. Perhaps it's because it's the truth. But thank you for it. His expectations of me were difficult to meet because he wanted me to be the complete opposite of my personality. So even if I was trying to fight it, I would undoubtedly make mistakes here and there which would just continuously frustrate him. To be honest, he already said quite hurtful things that will always resonate in my head, so I'm not sure how much more worse it can get. But you're right, I have no option but to move on. If anything... I'm taking this opportunity to better myself, and to learn to love/heal myself before anything else. Thank you for the advice.
Author broken25 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 Let's make it clear that going NC is one tool that is useful in getting through a break-up, it's not the end-all and the magic cure for everything pertaining to the pain of what you feel. Most people who are in your position would like some kind of an explanation of why your partner has decided to end the engagement. NC is instituted as a means to heal yourself simply because opening yourself to constant contact reminds you of your feelings and exposes you to that heartache. The truth of the matter is that your fiance sounds like he was trying to constantly change you instead of being a life partner. It also sounds like he was never happy but always looking for something to "lecture" you about. He may have done you the biggest favor of your life. This may not be what you want to hear but it is something to consider very strongly. I know that you mentioned therapy but do you have a support group as well, family, friends, Pastor, or a woman's group to help you through this difficult phase? My thoughts and prayers are with you. Very well put. I think I was under the impression that NC would take away all the pain immediately or something. But I wanted to ensure that I was doing it the correct way - as I was still lurking on his social media. You are right. It's hard to see it as a favor just of yet, but yes, I think he just had a completely different perspective on love than I did, and my means of expressing it wasn't making him happy.
Redhead14 Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 Ugh. This response really hurt. Perhaps it's because it's the truth. But thank you for it. His expectations of me were difficult to meet because he wanted me to be the complete opposite of my personality. So even if I was trying to fight it, I would undoubtedly make mistakes here and there which would just continuously frustrate him. To be honest, he already said quite hurtful things that will always resonate in my head, so I'm not sure how much more worse it can get. But you're right, I have no option but to move on. If anything... I'm taking this opportunity to better myself, and to learn to love/heal myself before anything else. Thank you for the advice. Yes, truth hurts, but it also sets you free Be true to yourself and you'll always be free . . .
aloneinaz Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 I think I was under the impression that NC would take away all the pain immediately or something. But I wanted to ensure that I was doing it the correct way - as I was still lurking on his social media. When I went thru a nasty break up a couple of years ago, hardcore NC and blocking all social media we're very important. Just as important to my healing and moving forward were the following- * Removing all traces, reminders off my phone. No pictures, emails, or texts. * Doing the same to my computer. Some simply delete everything but I save a few things on memory sticks then put them in the attic. * I "cleansed" my home of all reminders of her and cleaned it well, like she'd never been here. NC is very important but so is removing all reminders. You don't want to be in NC while still looking at old texts, emails, cards or photos. You simply want to remove all reminders so time and out of sight, out of mind will allow you to heal. 1
Author broken25 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 When I went thru a nasty break up a couple of years ago, hardcore NC and blocking all social media we're very important. Just as important to my healing and moving forward were the following- * Removing all traces, reminders off my phone. No pictures, emails, or texts. * Doing the same to my computer. Some simply delete everything but I save a few things on memory sticks then put them in the attic. * I "cleansed" my home of all reminders of her and cleaned it well, like she'd never been here. NC is very important but so is removing all reminders. You don't want to be in NC while still looking at old texts, emails, cards or photos. You simply want to remove all reminders so time and out of sight, out of mind will allow you to heal. Thank you. I didn't realize the importance of this. I have tons of his gifts in my room, and I thought "no point in hiding/getting rid of this stuff, because I'm thinking of him regardless of whether there are reminders or not" - but I guess that is the wrong mindset. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 Thank you. I didn't realize the importance of this. I have tons of his gifts in my room, and I thought "no point in hiding/getting rid of this stuff, because I'm thinking of him regardless of whether there are reminders or not" - but I guess that is the wrong mindset. This is about removing "triggers" that will set you back periodically. It's important to recognize your "triggers" as well. There may be times when you find yourself feeling sad or upset for no apparent reason, when in fact there was some subtle "reminder". Sometimes it's just the way the light reflects and it draws you back to a time when you were with him. Realizing these kinds of things, will help you keep focused on the present.
Author broken25 Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 Hi everyone, I'm back, sorry I keep posting here. Not looking for so much advice this time but I guess I just want to vent a little. Since then (about a month), my ex-fiance made no effort to contact me, and likewise neither did I. I started getting therapy, and was focusing on myself. Starting to feel a little better. But yesterday night he calls me (from some other number), I pick up the phone and it's him. Immediately I freeze, start panicking internally, feel extremely anxious and un-well. He said he was calling to make things 'officially over', he said: "You are no longer needed, you are a hypocrite. I am now liberating myself from your negativity and the misery you gave me. I do not wish the best for you in the future. I did love you, but thank you for not cancelling your dinner plans with your friends when I was upset, thank you for never showing me the affection I needed, thank you for not trying to contact me enough after I told you to leave me alone. Getting engaged to you was the biggest mistake of my life." It's weird because he was married & divorced before he met me, and at that time "she was the biggest mistake of his life", and now I am the biggest mistake of his life. I didn't know what to say, but I wasn't going to beg, plead or cry in front of him anymore. I told him I, nonetheless, wished the best for him. Hoped he'd find all the happiness he was looking for, and that I'd remember him in my prayers. To which he responded by saying "I don't need your prayers, bye." And hung up on me. Regardless, though I feel extremely bad and am back to feeling like everything was my fault, and that perhaps I could have prevented all this by not going out to dinner that day with my friends. I also feel like maybe I should have told him I loved him when he called? But I was so scared and couldn't say much at all.
Gus Grimly Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 The guy is a major jerk, you are well rid of him. You know it takes two to tango. My Ex fiance blamed me for everything, even though the root cause of the break up was by her vindictive actions towards me that caused a lot of drama and animosity in our life. Of course, it's still all my fault because I didn't do "this" or I failed to do "that" etc. After a while, you give up trying to reason with people who will never admit when they were wrong. I too blamed myself for our breakup, what I realize now is I did try my best, I gave it my all. Sure, I wasn't perfect and lord knows I've made my fair share of mistakes. That doesn't mean you and I should be treated like filth. We are only human, we're not immaculate perfection. Stop blaming yourself. You must not do it any longer. You and I both got involved with toxic people who only act selfishly and treat us with disregard. You need to forget him, forgive yourself, and move on. 1
Author broken25 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Posted August 15, 2015 My ex spoke to one of our mutual friends explaining why he broke up with me. He ended up saying things like... "That woman (me) ruined my life. I hope God punishes her. Me and my family were way better than her and her family to begin with. She's such a hypocrite. She was the woman - she should have done what she was told and should have chased me more. She should have begged me to stop me from breaking up with her. She isn't needed any longer, I have great things to achieve in life." Etc etc. I'm just surprised how hateful and spiteful he became over the course of a month. And took cheap shots at my family. I could never have it in me to be so rude to him. 2
Gus Grimly Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I think it builds up for quite some time. They keep it well hidden and push it deep down. Then one day it all comes bubbling to the surface. It's either that or they are a narcissist or a sociopath. 3
Satu Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Love never changes into hate, but dysfunctional attachment often does. Its important to know the difference. 6
aloneinaz Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 My ex spoke to one of our mutual friends explaining why he broke up with me. He ended up saying things like... "That woman (me) ruined my life. I hope God punishes her. Me and my family were way better than her and her family to begin with. She's such a hypocrite. She was the woman - she should have done what she was told and should have chased me more. She should have begged me to stop me from breaking up with her. She isn't needed any longer, I have great things to achieve in life." Etc etc. I'm just surprised how hateful and spiteful he became over the course of a month. And took cheap shots at my family. I could never have it in me to be so rude to him. Like we told you on your other thread, you should simply feel glad that he's not a part of your life. How he handled your break up and how he's acting now demonstrates that he's either very immature or has some emotional issues. Your challenge now is to NOT care about what he says or does. People aren't stupid. They know there's two sides to every story. The sooner you can accept that it's over and not think or talk about this guy, the sooner you'll be feeling better. 1
Author broken25 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Posted August 15, 2015 Like we told you on your other thread, you should simply feel glad that he's not a part of your life. How he handled your break up and how he's acting now demonstrates that he's either very immature or has some emotional issues. Your challenge now is to NOT care about what he says or does. People aren't stupid. They know there's two sides to every story. The sooner you can accept that it's over and not think or talk about this guy, the sooner you'll be feeling better. Yes, you're right. Some days are better than others. I go from feeling like this relationship ending was a blessing to feeling like maybe I could have done something differently, maybe everything was all my fault etc etc. It's funny because he was the one always complaining that I didn't love him etc etc. But he's the one who walked away, crushing me, being exceptionally rude and cruel. All the while, I remained silent and tried my best not to do/say anything to cause him any further hurt or pain. Sigh. 1
Author broken25 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Posted August 15, 2015 I think it builds up for quite some time. They keep it well hidden and push it deep down. Then one day it all comes bubbling to the surface. It's either that or they are a narcissist or a sociopath. But... if someone turns 'cold' or 'cruel' is it because that's really who they are, or you made them that way?
Sunshine09 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 But... if someone turns 'cold' or 'cruel' is it because that's really who they are, or you made them that way? I don;t think you can "make" someone cruel or cold You can;t really make anyone do or be anything. They choose to act the way they do 4
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