Sunflower27 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 A few months ago, my boyfriend and I of 3 years broke up(his choice). After two weeks, he said he wanted to get back together, which I was all for. When we broke up, he changed his phone password, so when we got back together, I obviously didn't know what it was. This was about 4 months ago and we are back together now, still living together (we've lived together for 2 years except for the breakup period). He recently told me his new password for his phone, and therefore I could potentially go through it (though I know I shouldn't). Last month the announced that he wanted to live separately, as one of his best friends needed a new roommate and he assured me that nothing was changing about his feelings for me just that he thought this might be something new and etc. I trust him, but have slight reservations. He has this co worker who he texts sometimes and they just send unnumbered internet pics to each other (memes) but it is all harmless. Last night, I was looking at his pictures on his phone (iPhone photo album, not from the girl) and I saw he had an album called "Hidden" so I clicked on it and there was this video of some girl doing something inappropriate to herself. The video was dated two days after we got back together, and there was only one video. There was also a photo he took of himself without a shirt (torso up only) and I assume that he sent this back to her since it was taken around the same time. How should I respond????? I know I shouldn't have looked through his phone, but I also should have never found such videos/pics. I never have sent him any inappropriate pics or videos and vice versa, so I am certain it wasn't to me or from me. Again, this was 4 months ago, but with him moving out in a few weeks, I worry that this might happen again. Any suggestions on how to discuss this with him in an open and honest way? Please help/send suggestions!
EgoJoe Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 If it's after you got back together then that is cheating. Of course breaking up for a little bit just to mess around is not morally righteous in my book but it's not cheating. If i were you, I'd wait until he moves out, make sure he gets everything and then break up with him. Cheaters do more than break your trust. They compromise your health via possible STD exposure and jealous lovers. Your relationship is going backwards. 2
CarrieT Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 What EgoJoe said. Your BF tested the waters of what it was like living with you and *then* moves out? He is putting you on a back burner while he plays around... 1
Jj66 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Regardless of what he did or didn't so your relationship is going backwards and it's is eventually doomed. 2
PogoStick Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 tip: if you don't want a girl to see your pictures then don't label the folder "hidden". And how hidden is the folder if you can see it's name is hidden? Next time try "physics equations" or "star trek episodes". Forever safe! 3
ExpatInItaly Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Him moving out coupled with the discovery of this video and picture are signs that the relationship will end sooner or later. He's not moving out so he can try something new by living with the friend - that something new he is trying out is having the freedom to behave how he wants while having you as his fall back. How did you rationalize that to yourself? If any live-in boyfriend of mine told me he wanted to move out, I would send him out the door and take his keys back and consider myself a single woman. A question: why did you break up the first time? 2
Author Sunflower27 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Posted August 15, 2015 (edited) We broke up bc we had been arguing a lot, both in transition from getting out of the military and it took a while to adjust back to civilian life. Honestly, everything has been so much better since we got back together but now that I saw this stuff on his phone it makes me question everything. He has never given me a reason not to trust him, but now that I have one, it puts me in a weird place and I don't know what to do here. I mean, I see what the replies have said to do, but when you factor in love it makes it so much harder! Stupid heart/emotions!! I hate the fact that he is moving out. He feels like I am pressuring him to move to the next step in our relationship (hello, I'm a girl that has waited my whole life for true love, and I don't think I'm really getting ahead of myself at three years into a relationship-I could see his point if we had been dating for like 3 months or something). I feel as though his moving out is a statement on his part to push back the "pressure" of moving forward in the relationship. He insists that "nothing will change" but as I told him, that is simply not true. It will either get better or worse, by to say that it won't change is just not accurate. Edited August 15, 2015 by Sunflower27
Omei Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 It seems like your relationship is now going backwards for whatever reason. I find the fact him leaving and telling you nothings changed hard to believe. Clearly things have changed Op if it was me and we want the same thing a life partner and I invested that time with someone and we started going backwards I think id throw in the towel because they dont seem like someone who's going be ready anytime soon. Because of the video I too believe he wants to move out because he wants freedom and to be able to do things without your knowledge.
elaine567 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 The man lives with you, breaks up with you, decides to move back in and is now moving out again. He wanted singlehood he didn't like it/wasn't very successful so he moves back in, but now singlehood is again beckoning to him, but he still wants a Plan B and regular sex from you, in case it doesn't go well again. OF COURSE he is going to be seeing other women, you are cramping his style atm. He needs his own place to be a free agent. He has no intention of ever being committed to you. Guys who want to get married, may move in, but they then get engaged and get married, they DO NOT move in, move out, move in, move out... Chuck him out that door and never speak to him ever again, he is just using you and dangling that carrot to get what he wants and keep you sweet and available to him on his terms. The minute he finds a girl he does want to commit to and get married to, he will be married in months. Three years, no commitment and a relationship going backwards, time to get out. Do not be a fool and a doormat here.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 We broke up bc we had been arguing a lot, both in transition from getting out of the military and it took a while to adjust back to civilian life. Honestly, everything has been so much better since we got back together but now that I saw this stuff on his phone it makes me question everything. He has never given me a reason not to trust him, but now that I have one, it puts me in a weird place and I don't know what to do here. I mean, I see what the replies have said to do, but when you factor in love it makes it so much harder! Stupid heart/emotions!! I hate the fact that he is moving out. He feels like I am pressuring him to move to the next step in our relationship (hello, I'm a girl that has waited my whole life for live, and I don't think I'm really getting ahead of myself at three years into a relationship-I could see his point if we had been dating for like 3 months or something). I feel as though his moving out is a statement on his part to push back the "pressure" of moving forward in the relationship. He insists that "nothing will change" but as I told him, that is simply not true. It will either get better or worse, by to say that it won't change is just not accurate. You are correct to an extent, but I'm afraid that it will not get better. What he's about to do is putting your relationship in reverse. You've already broken up once, and now this? He's sending a very clear signal that he's not on the same page as you at all. It makes zero sense to move out, especially since you haven't been back together very long. Next thing you know, he'll be telling you he doesn't know when he wants to move back in with you. He's essentially keeping you on the backburner while he does what he wants. I would be very hurt and not okay with this decision. I'm sorry OP, but I think this move is going to put the nail in the coffin on this relationship. The video and picture you found (if they were in fact exchanged after you got back together) are symptoms of a much bigger problem.
Omei Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Yeah I was about to add men that love their live in gfs and are committed dont move out simply because their friend needs a rommate, what about you? Srsly that is lame. I dont think hes going to 100% commit to you either.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Yeah I was about to add men that love their live in gfs and are committed dont move out simply because their friend needs a rommate, what about you? Srsly that is lame. I dont think hes going to 100% commit to you either. Exactly. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions are screaming that he's on the way out. Again. OP, you deserve someone who wants to commit as much as you do. A guy who really loves you and wants to be with you wouldn't dream of pulling this monkey business. He doesn't take you or this relationship seriously. 2
sandylee1 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 What utter nonsense .....moving out because his friend needs a roommate. Please do not believe it. The fact is ...He's not ready to take your relationship to the next level and he's pulling away from you to get freedom and date and sleep with other women. He's not going to tell you that of course, but you need to be smart about. You can say nothing and break up with him once he's moved out. You now know he's a cheater, so why waste more valuable years of your life with him. If he cheated when you lived together, what do you expect when he's living away from you. You'll regret staying with him. 1
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