blind_otter Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by aconfusedguy I agree to look at more than just the sex. Completely. Also, IM not keeping score or contradicting myself. If people simply just except what someone else has to offer, no matter what, then people would simply have NO standards. If your present boyfriend decided that he wanted to go out with his friends every night to the bar and literally spend almost no time with you, would you be happy about it? Even if you would, some people would not. People have the right to have standards. How do you pick a best friend? Is it someone that is there for you when you need them? Someone that you feel listens to you? Comforts you? Whatever your standards are, if they are not being met, you have the right to be unhappy with it. If your best friend all of a sudden started blowing you off and doing things you didn't like, would you still be thier best friend? What if that person always called you and then all of a sudden, they did not? People have wants and desires in life. EVERYBODY has expectations or a way that they want to be treated. That does not mean its "a scorecard". I have friends that I only talk to once in a while. I still love those friends, but there is a clear difference between those friends and who I consider my best friend. There are other reasons as well, but you get the point. If I am going to consider marriage, shouldn't I be happy? What if my girlfriend refuses to have sex with me completely? Should I just say, oh, thats great, lets get married, you are the best honey......also, how about you have sex with other guys instead? When something clearly changes, aren't I supposed to communicate that? I do NOT shove it in her face that she does not do certain things. If I was doing something, or not doing something that made her unhappy, I would WANT her to tell me, so that I could improve that. I'm not attacking you. I actually just read an interesting article in Yoga Journal about setting boundaries and how it contributes to a healthy relationship. You mention standards, I say "boundaries" -- things you have clearly outlined, in order to create a harmonious relationship. If you have clearly stated that the above issues are dealbreakers for you then, no, you shouldn't take being treated like that. In the west especially people assume that love means having no personal boundaries. That you should seamlessly melt into your lover. Unfortunately, IMO, this is what leads to so many soured relationships because it is utterly impossible to do this. Constant, clear communication is the key. You can't mention an issue that is something important to you once or twice, and expect it to be filed away in the computer memory banks. Remember that she is not you, you are not her, and she can't read your mind.
blind_otter Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by aconfusedguy Bubbles................now that makes sense. Otter on the other hand is barking up the wrong tree. That is possible that she did those things in order to "hook" me, so to speak. IM still in hopes that things will improve however. Anyway, IM 38 and she is 34.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Whichway is up........thanks for the kind words. I agree, its not horrible and my situation is better than some guys I hear about. However, lowering my expectations is probably not a good idea for me. It does prevent disappointment, but I do not want to just accept whatever a woman has to offer, no matter how little that may be. I, like she, have been divorced once and do not want to make a mistake. I just want my needs to be met and I want to feel that my needs are important to her. They say that opposites attract. That may be, but do they stay together? I just know that if she came to me and expressed something like, lets say........"you don't kiss me enough or hold my hand enough and it makes me feel this way or that".........I would simply respond and make it better because I care enough to make it better. Does that make sense? Communication will stop that...Discuss your needs, as well as hers. Together compromise. My husband and I are VERY different in alot of ways yet we compliment eachother as a couple. I am very sexual, he isn't. I don't get sex as much as I would like, I accept that he isn't the most sexual person and he makes alot of effort sometimes to please me. I also know I can't put expectations on him because in the end it just hurts me. Oral sex. I love it. He doesn't. He's okay with me giving him head once in a while, but he doesn't like going down on me. Yeah it hurts, yeah I don't like it and I miss it more than you'd ever know...But I have to accept that he isn't going to satisfy me that way...I don't think of it very much and we work around that part of it. He makes up for it in other ways. I CHOSE not to let this come between us..It took me a long time to stop holding that resentment in and hey, I tell ya babe, it was HARD as hell! In the end, I weighed out the full picture. I can live (YET MISS IT VERY VERY VERY MUCH) without it. I can't live without him. It does make sense what you're saying...Just don't focus so much on it. I don't know what else to say, but again, communication, acceptance and respect is the key here.
Bubbles Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 You can't really blame blindotter or any-one else for barking up the wrong tree.........it's actually a really good way of getting the whole complete truth out of someone to be honest. We are NOT playing games here but........most of the time many, many, many men come here and say - "I'm NOT getting enough sex" or "the sex is not satisfying" more often than you know we hear this. blindotter is one of our finest posters on LoveShack......she has MUCH to offer and though it sounds like she is barking she is listening to what you say and asking questions to assist you. As I suggested you need to have a really serious talk with your partner. Ask her this evening if she is in the mood for a "talk" if yes then you need to take her to the bedroom, sit down on the bed, hold her hand and sincerely tell her that you want to know what is on her mind concerning your sexual relationship. Are her needs being met? Is there anything I (you) can do? Secondly, listen to her....when she is finished speaking ask her if it is alright for you to express your thoughts. Do this without name calling or starting any arguements. Keep the past in the past. Today may be the first day of the new beginning that you are looking for. If she says that she is no longer interested in "experimenting" then the decision is up to you wether you stay with her or move on. You know yourself that there are NOT a lot of women out there who are willing to play with toys and experiment. You need to remember this and appreciate what you do have before making a crazy decision. bubbles
Author aconfusedguy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Whichwayisup.............you are a wise woman. Thank you again. It's amazing to me that a guy would not like that, but hey, thats what makes us all different. As long as there is some compromise, I guess things can work. Thanks again.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by aconfusedguy Whichwayisup.............you are a wise woman. Thank you again. It's amazing to me that a guy would not like that, but hey, thats what makes us all different. As long as there is some compromise, I guess things can work. Thanks again. Thanks for the compliement! Yeah I know...I wonder WTF sometimes...I try to laugh it off MOST of the time..Don't get me wrong, when I am feeling kinda yuk and down at times, that thought does creep into my head and I do get bummed out about it...But I really try not to allow myself to "GO" there too often, does more damage to me... Once in a while I bring it up...Then after I do I feel like a fool as I know I'm just setting myself up for the fall. Not good! Your welcome and anytime! (I'd say, let's take it out in trade, but we're both married! )
Author aconfusedguy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Let me also add this to the mix...........she really does not understand why I would masturbate. She actually sort of makes me feel guilty about it. Perhaps this explains a little more of what IM dealing with. She is a great person and I love her. I just don't think she understands certain things. How am I to deal with that? Its not because of religious beliefs either. She just asks me "why would you have to do that" or "why would you want to do that". Something like that. Oh well.......
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Just coz we're married, doesn't mean we can't please ourselves alone! Masterbation has NOTHING to do with the other person. She may be abit insecure and it seems takes it personally...A reflection of her. And that she should be enough for you so therefore no need to pull the pud! BS I say! It's part of what people do. She isn't comfy with it. Have you asked her if she's actually masterbated? Cuz if she has/does, then why can't you? She has some issues and hopefully she can work through them. These are HER own personal issues that really don't have anything to do with her...It's how she feels about herself.
Bubbles Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 aconfusedguy, Has she recently discovered religion or something? What has changed in her life to be THIS different with you? bubbles
Author aconfusedguy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Well, perhaps I have misrepresented her a bit. I would not say that she has changed that much. We still have sex, just not nearly as often. We still do oral, just not nearly as often or as willingly in my opinion. No, she has not discovered religion. Now I just feel that everything is somewhat forced. I don't feel her desire for me. Even when we do things, I just don't feel it from her end. I feel she enjoys it a lot, but IM not feeling that real desire. She says its her weight and maybe thats it. Thanks for all of your opinions. I have thought about seeing a psychiatrist about some if this, but figured this was free. The problem is, I can't really tell a friend some of this, as its embarrassing. The annonymity of this is nice.
Author aconfusedguy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Maybe there is something I can do to improve or make things better for her somehow????? If there is something I can do, IM willing to do it in order to improve the situation.
EC Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 I recently went through the same problem with my bf. He complained to me about everything you have been complaining about. We used to use the toys/videos/dress up you name it we did it. But then I don't know what got into me. I just wasn't in the mood anymore. He thought it was him or that he didn't turn me on as much? It wasn't that he turned me on..I just wasn't as interested in 'sex' as much for some reason. He also complained about oral saying that i did it but that he felt I was only doing it because i wanted him to shut up. That he didn't feel I desired to do it. And that he was sick of initiating sex all the time and that he wanted to feel desired and wanted me to initiate sex more. I honestly didn't see such a problem and I did give him oral so I couldn't understand what he was talking about. I mean I know sex is a big part of the relationship but I guess i felt that we have sooo much more than just sex that we didn't need sex all the time. I guess I was wrong. But I am trying to spicen things up.
Author aconfusedguy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Well, I guess the question for me is what can I do in order to have her "spicen" things up. Hopefully, exercise will help, but if I can do something on my end somehow, IM willing to try.
EC Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 What helped with me is that my beau made me feel beautiful again. Unless I feel pretty and sexy I can't perform u know? If shes doing exercise tell her how awesome shes starting to look or how cute she looks sweaty? Something that'll make her feel good and then she will want to make you feel good. Also do little sweet things for her. Sometimes what he does for me outside of the bedroom reflects how he gets treated in the bedroom.
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