aconfusedguy Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 I have been in a relationship for 3 years and want to talk about some sexual issues. Is this the correct forum? Can I be specific? This is my first post on here. Please reply........
johan Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Bummer. I thought this was going to be about some kind of interesting fetish. Like doing it in a grocery cart rolling down a street or on a roller coaster or something. I think you're OK posting in this forum, but you probably want the Sexual & Reproductive Health area.
Author aconfusedguy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Well, like most guys, IM very sexual and very open minded. My girlfriend and I tried a lot of things when we first started dating. There is a lot to tell here, so I will just address one issue per post. If the backround of what we did is important, let me know. The latest issue that I have been struggling with is the lack of frequency of our sex and her lacking going down on me. She does do it sometimes, but I feel like IM forcing it in a way. She used to do it all the time and I really liked that about her (of course). Now, unless I get in a 69 position, she doesn't do it. I feel that she only does it in the 69 position because its right there, so to speak and she feels obligated. I have told her that is something that I really like and honestly, this issue goes deeper than just sex. I know this may sound ridiculous, but it makes me feel good both physically and emotionally when a girl goes down on me. Makes me feel that she really cares about pleasing me. Our regular sex is similar, in that she doesn't turn me down for sex, but if I don't initiate it, it doesn't happen. I realize IM "the man", and I don't mind initiating, but I want to feel desired as well. There are a lot of things we used to do, that we don't anymore. IM beginning to feel that IM way more sexually open minded than her, as well as that she has just settled into this relationship and her desire has cooled off. She does have other issues as well, including her being over weight, which IM sure can come into play, but this still is affecting me. I have been willing to do anything to please her in bed, but thats how I am.
noname Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 i think that this is pretty common. can't wait for some more insight on it myself. i'll tell you this... don't feel funny about the way you feel. it is important for people to feel desired and if it feels like she doesn't care, it can be emotionally draining. i am not going to comment about your particular sex acts, but if she gives off the attitude like it is work it can be damaging to one's psyche. she needs to know that, and if she doesn't, you need to help her understand... have you tried speaking with her about it?
Author aconfusedguy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Yes, I have talked to her about it. I have told her about the emotional and physical aspects of it. It's frustrating because I will do and try anything with her. The thing is, she doesn't ask to try anything. She is completely satisfied sexually and expresses no desire to experiment. We used to do a whole lot more than we do now. Oral, toys, movies and some racier stuff, all dimished or gone. Some of the real racy/wild stuff, I guess I can understand, but some of the basic stuff, such as oral and toys, that really does not make me happy. What about my desires/wants? It just seems that its all about her.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 I'd back off sex completely for a while. Just take a break from it and spend some loving time together. See a movie, go out and shoot pool - Have fun!!! Maybe she's feeling abit like a plaything...AND that is not meant to offend you - I'm just talking from a woman's point of view. There is more in a relationship than just sex and I'm wondering if you're putting too much emphasis on that part of your relationship with her. Maybe that break will allow her to DESIRE you more...She'll miss it and intiate the next move.
Author aconfusedguy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Thats good advice and I have done that. She then does initiate after a while, but nothing really changes per say. I definitely don't think she is feeling like a play thing. Our relationship is not based on sex at all. We have 4 kids between us and our relationship is more about that. I do everything I can to please her and I just feel she should do the same for me.
Bubbles Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 IMHO, Myabe she just want you to get excited over HER and her alone. If you need more of an explanation on that I can give it to you. Just post and let me know. bubbles
noname Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 There is more in a relationship than just sex and I'm wondering if you're putting too much emphasis on that part of your relationship with her. Maybe that break will allow her to DESIRE you more...She'll miss it and intiate the next move. true indeed. however, you should be careful with this tactic. it has the tendency to backfire as all women are not the same. it can actually make the problem worse. she might get comfortable or even lash back by holding out intentionally. whichwayisup is right about having balance in a relationship. it is important for her to know that you want her for more than that, and i don't argue with that. however, it is a vital part of the relationship. if everything else in your relationship is fairly smooth, then this is a balance thing. you should try communicating it more in depth about the emotional stuff and get in depth. about everything, not just "blue balls", the feeling of being undesireable, self doubt, feelings of lost love, etc. let her know that it is putting your relationship in jeapordy and maybe she will take it a little more to heart.... honestly, i just think that she may not be taking it as seriously as you. you may have spoken with her about it and just expected her to "get it". it is up to you to help her to understand that your concerns are about what is going on in the relationship and not your pants. sometimes women think that everything is sexual for men, and that we will try any argument possible to get what we want. and sometimes you can't blame them because history and experience molds the mind. she needs to understand the strain it puts on your heart rather than your reproductive organs...
blind_otter Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Ask and ye shall receive. That's all I can really say. Don't feel like you're forcing her, just ask her to do it for you sometimes and I'm sure she will. I do everything I can to please her and I just feel she should do the same for me. Have you said this to her? I mean, when you say you talk about it -- how does the conversation go? Do you come to any resolutions? Do you write out lists or clearly explain your needs? Does she? Or do you go round about in circles trying to figure it out but never coming to any definitive understanding of what tactic to take?
Author aconfusedguy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Yeah, I hear you guys. I have explained that it hurts me emotionally, but I will keep trying. IM not sure what bubbles meant and perhaps more of an explanation is necessary. I know that I go out of my way to please her as much as possible, both in and out of the bedroom.
Author aconfusedguy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Great questions Otter. She has said she will try and things like that but its short lived. Sometimes she calls me a horn dog or something like that which just makes me feel like she is making fun of me basically. We used to do a lot of experimenting. Not anymore!
Bubbles Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Here goes.......... You had mentioned that early in your relationship that you had played with "toys" and that she went along with much of it and you had thought that she was happy and turned on by it. Maybe, maybe at some point she decided inside of herself that you were only turned on by her because of her "willingness to experiment" rather than by her body or the way that she makes you feel while you two were being intimate. Maybe she feels like you should just want to make love to her the old fashioned way! The man on the top and the woman on the bottom........I know it may not sound so exciting to YOU but......it just might be what she needs to make her feel "whole" again. As far as the lack of oral that can also be blanketed under the "toys" department. To many women "oral" is just not something that they would normally do........I know it may sound strange but it is true. My ex used to enjoy to fantasize about having a threesome and would verbalize it consistantly while we were having intercourse and over the couse of time it wore me down. I could hardly stomach having sex with him because JUST ONCE I wanted it to be ME who got him excited! Not his fantasies. Understand? bubbles
noname Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 it would also be good for you to understand one of the basic rules of humanity. you cannot expect that everyone is going to be like you. what i mean is her behavior is super frustrating to you because you feel that you are willing to go out on a limb for whatever pleases her. so you almost expect that back. truth be told. not everyone understands life that way and not everyone is willing to be that giving. it would be nice to find someone that expends that same intensity as you but some people need a little prodding and some people need to be pushed. she may never be that kind of person and you have to be cool with that or let her know how it affects you... just make sure that you do those things because you want to do them for her and not because you expect it back. otherwise, you may start to question your own feelings and intentions and make a real mess outta something that may very well work itself out with a little communication...
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Myabe she just want you to get excited over HER and her alone. IM not sure what bubbles meant and perhaps more of an explanation is necessary. I'm guessing she meant: The girlfriend needs to know that you don't need the following things to be turned on by the idea of having sex with her: movies toys kinky positions oral sex racy stuff ------------------------------- I think its a case of sexual inertia. Some people in long term relationships shift things in their emotional priority list and often 'putting for an effort in sex' tends to drop down on the list, while other things rise to take their place. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, it could just mean that she just simply doesn't place the same importance on sex that you do. You will definitely want to share with her how important it is to you, and why - and then listen to her side, and try to work some compromise from there.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 true indeed. however, you should be careful with this tactic. it has the tendency to backfire as all women are not the same. it can actually make the problem worse. she might get comfortable or even lash back by holding out intentionally. whichwayisup is right about having balance in a relationship. it is important for her to know that you want her for more than that, and i don't argue with that. however, it is a vital part of the relationship. I don't mean BACK OFF IGNORE HER...I mean, just enjoy cuddle time, sensual massages, intimacy that doesn't HAVE to always lead to sex...More Romantic stuff. I don't think any woman would take that the wrong way - Infact it would probably put them more in the mood because they're feeling more loved and cared for. Yeah, I hear you guys. I have explained that it hurts me emotionally, but I will keep trying. IM not sure what bubbles meant and perhaps more of an explanation is necessary. I know that I go out of my way to please her as much as possible, both in and out of the bedroom. Sounds like you equate her intiating and wanting sex with you as her way of showing her LOVE for you...Men seem to associate the act of sex as a measurement of HOW much a woman loves them. I can understand that. She DOES love you. Maybe she's just not into "experiementing" anymore. Enjoy what is there and maybe do some fun stuff on your own? Masterabating and fantastizing etc...I don't know...Just a suggestion...Then during sex you can tell her about it and see how turned on she gets from hearing what you did..
blind_otter Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by noname truth be told. not everyone understands life that way and not everyone is willing to be that giving. it would be nice to find someone that expends that same intensity as you but some people need a little prodding and some people need to be pushed. she may never be that kind of person and you have to be cool with that or let her know how it affects you... Word. My exhusband and I constantly fought about this. My view is, you NEVER give to get. Never give to someone expecting anything in return. Otherwise it's not giving, it's blackmail. He always citing how he did this that and the other for me, and what have I done for him lately. So I constantly felt like I never did enough. I got tired of feeling like that. Now I am with someone who understands the concept. Like love - you give your love, you can't expect anything in return, not even an equal amount of love. All you can do is give and be generous and loving, and make sure you have consistent and clearly outlined boundaries. Good fences make good neighbors.
Author aconfusedguy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Well, I agree in concept about giving, but think that you are missing a major piece of the puzzle. If you give love, affection, seuxal attention, etc and consistently do not get the same or close to the same in return, at some point you get frustrated. People have to have standards in life, otherwise you would just be with anyone, not matter how little they give. In addition, when you are with someone that gives and then they don't give anymore, that can be a red flag or concern of some sort for that person. I do not give in order to get back. I have always given. I just feel that I deserve a lot back. I bring a lot to the table so to speak and have standards of what I want. I love her and am on here to get this off my chest. Trust me, I hope things turn around and that they return to how they used to be. I want it to work. I want what I had before, thats all. Thats why I fell in love to begin with, now things have changed. As far as getting turned on by just her, I have no issue with that. I don't need a movie to turn me on, I just think it would be fun to experiment like we used to.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 People have to have standards in life, otherwise you would just be with anyone, not matter how little they give. In addition, when you are with someone that gives and then they don't give anymore, that can be a red flag or concern of some sort for that person. I do not give in order to get back. I have always given. I just feel that I deserve a lot back. I bring a lot to the table so to speak and have standards of what I want. You're gonna have to not set your standards too high, lower them abit...Not put the "SHOULD's" on her. Everyone has their ways of how much they are willing to give and how much to expect back. Don't expect much back - I think if you do that then you won't feel so disappointed. I know you don't give to get back, but there is an expectation there anyway... I hope that you both can work through this. Honestly? It's not the be all end all - You're still having sex - Maybe not as experiemental as you would like it - But you're still getting it. Just try to be happy with that.
blind_otter Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Originally posted by aconfusedguy I do not give in order to get back. I have always given. I just feel that I deserve a lot back. Contradicting yourself. Boundaries are what you discuss in the rest of your post, the necessity of setting boundaries. Clearly outlined requirements that you have in order to live harmoniously with someone else. Like I said, good fences. But you seem to feel that you deserve a lot back. That becomes a burden on your partner, when she feels that she has to do this that or the other or she'll hear from her partner about how she is not performing up to some invisible standard. Then she gets bitter and doesn't want to give freely any more because there is this unseen tally sheet with marks on your side, and marks on her side, and the marks don't add up, so she gets grief from you. I understand where you are coming from, I did this in my last relationship. Turns out that if you really feel the need to keep score, then you really just need to take a step back and look at the WHOLE relationship. Not just the sex. But usually most people can't see the forest for the trees.
Author aconfusedguy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Whichway is up........thanks for the kind words. I agree, its not horrible and my situation is better than some guys I hear about. However, lowering my expectations is probably not a good idea for me. It does prevent disappointment, but I do not want to just accept whatever a woman has to offer, no matter how little that may be. I, like she, have been divorced once and do not want to make a mistake. I just want my needs to be met and I want to feel that my needs are important to her. They say that opposites attract. That may be, but do they stay together? I just know that if she came to me and expressed something like, lets say........"you don't kiss me enough or hold my hand enough and it makes me feel this way or that".........I would simply respond and make it better because I care enough to make it better. Does that make sense?
Bubbles Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 Well if you want things to be the way they used to be then it sounds as though you had better get to the bottom of this with her. You need to say guote - unquote "if playing with toys and whatnot are NOT your thing any-more then don't be afraid to tell me that, as your partner I need to know and we can work together on things" Be open minded with her. Also another thing I would like to add: maybe she played around with all those things with you because she wanted to do whatever it took to have you in her life? Sometimes people fool other people into thinking that they are something that they are not. And, very often people change without even realizing it! How old are you two??? bubbles
Author aconfusedguy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 I agree to look at more than just the sex. Completely. Also, IM not keeping score or contradicting myself. If people simply just except what someone else has to offer, no matter what, then people would simply have NO standards. If your present boyfriend decided that he wanted to go out with his friends every night to the bar and literally spend almost no time with you, would you be happy about it? Even if you would, some people would not. People have the right to have standards. How do you pick a best friend? Is it someone that is there for you when you need them? Someone that you feel listens to you? Comforts you? Whatever your standards are, if they are not being met, you have the right to be unhappy with it. If your best friend all of a sudden started blowing you off and doing things you didn't like, would you still be thier best friend? What if that person always called you and then all of a sudden, they did not? People have wants and desires in life. EVERYBODY has expectations or a way that they want to be treated. That does not mean its "a scorecard". I have friends that I only talk to once in a while. I still love those friends, but there is a clear difference between those friends and who I consider my best friend. There are other reasons as well, but you get the point. If I am going to consider marriage, shouldn't I be happy? What if my girlfriend refuses to have sex with me completely? Should I just say, oh, thats great, lets get married, you are the best honey......also, how about you have sex with other guys instead? When something clearly changes, aren't I supposed to communicate that? I do NOT shove it in her face that she does not do certain things. If I was doing something, or not doing something that made her unhappy, I would WANT her to tell me, so that I could improve that.
Author aconfusedguy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Bubbles................now that makes sense. Otter on the other hand is barking up the wrong tree. That is possible that she did those things in order to "hook" me, so to speak. IM still in hopes that things will improve however. Anyway, IM 38 and she is 34.
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