nnn13 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Is it normal for my boyfriend to get so angry at me over little things? At times when we may disagree on something or I might say something that's true (that he may not like the sound of) or where at times I may even be wrong about things.. he will be so quick to get angry, shout and swear at me. I feel that I try my best to stay calm and ask him nicely not to swear and shout, and that there's no need for it. He will continue doing so until it gets to a point where I can no longer handle it and I may swear back or even cry because it hurts a lot to be spoken to like that. Even when I cry, he does not feel bad at all.. he'll ignore it like its nothing or question me in a rude way as to why I'm crying and even mocks me crying. I feel that he has no heart or emotions when he talks to me like that or even somewhat feels bad. A few minutes ago, we got into an argument over the phone about something very minor - pretty much ended by him accusing me of "having something wrong with me, and that I should ask my parents about it" or having "mental issues", stated that I must be "autistic", "dyslexic" or "handicapped" - none of which I am and clearly he has no clue as to what each condition even is. Tomorrow he will call as if nothing happened or say that he said those things because he was tired and because I made him angry (with or without an apology). Tbh.. Im not quite sure if I'm even making much sense right now.. but what I want to understand is how and when will this stop? Is there anything I can do so that he doesn't switch and turn on me so quickly.. it feels as if there's some underlying hatred towards me.. I can't imagine him ever talking or being that disrespectful towards anybody else - only me because Im his girlfriend and I quote "annoy him sometimes". Every argument he says is "your fault" which I clearly will take responsibility for if I am, but at times where he may be, there will never be an apology - I've said to him before that you're not perfect and neither I am, people make mistakes and it's okay - but you should realise when you're in the wrong and not be stubborn to apologise. His response recently has been "I am perfect", "Im so easygoing, trust me it's you". Regardless, Im pretty sure this doesn't give him the right to talk and disrespect me the way he does - he belittles me, makes me feel small and like **** - and more recently and today, I just pretty much feel like an awful person. I feel like a **** girlfriend who can't do anything right. And we're coming up to our 8 year anniversary in October.. :-( ..there are probably a few other issues in our relationship too.. I just want this to stop before things get really bad, before we do end up hating each other and can't stand each other. I really don't think my messages makes a lot of sense and may sound quite confusing.. not in the best of mindsets right now but hoping someone in someway, will understand.
Gaeta Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 It will never stop because you've been putting up with it for 8 years. It's cruel, insensitive, belittling, meant to hurt you on purpose. No it's not acceptable. 8 years is enough don't waste one more year on this man. Once you're out you will resent yourself for enduring this for so long and wasting your best years on someone that wasn't worth a second of your time. Don't think you can change him, you can't. 4
angel.eyes Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 It will continue to escalate and get worse as long as you stick around. Why do you stay? What about your relationship works for you? I assume there are, or were, some good aspects to it. What's holding you back from leaving? Are you afraid to exit? Why? 2
anika99 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Yes it's verbally abusive and unless you are batsh*t crazy, which it doesn't sound like you are, it's not possible for your bf to always be 100% in the right and you always 100% in the wrong. The fact that he sees himself as completely blameless in every argument tells you that he will never be a good partner. I would dump him. 1
Arieswoman Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 nnn13, Please read what you wrote; At times when we may disagree on something or I might say something that's true (that he may not like the sound of) or where at times I may even be wrong about things.. he will be so quick to get angry, shout and swear at me. I feel that I try my best to stay calm and ask him nicely not to swear and shout, and that there's no need for it. He will continue doing so until it gets to a point where I can no longer handle it and I may swear back or even cry because it hurts a lot to be spoken to like that. Even when I cry, he does not feel bad at all.. he'll ignore it like its nothing or question me in a rude way as to why I'm crying and even mocks me crying. I feel that he has no heart or emotions when he talks to me like that or even somewhat feels bad. A few minutes ago, we got into an argument over the phone about something very minor - pretty much ended by him accusing me of "having something wrong with me, and that I should ask my parents about it" or having "mental issues", stated that I must be "autistic", "dyslexic" or "handicapped" - none of which I am and clearly he has no clue as to what each condition even is. This is verbal abuse ^^^ Instead of wondering why he does this, start making plans to leave him. This is not acceptable behaviour and it doesn't look like he will change because you've allowed him to walk over you all these years. there are probably a few other issues in our relationship too.. so it doesn't look like you have a lot going for you here Please do not waste any more of your life on a guy who acts like an abusive bully - you deserve better, don't you? Good luck 3
casey.lives Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 you've been together for eight years... it has escalated!! the question is what???
ExpatInItaly Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Yes, it's verbal abuse. It's also emotional abuse. He very likely isn't going to change now, and you can't do anything to make him see your perspective because he just doesn't care enough to see it. My ex was similar. Every argument was always my fault and the insults and mocking were terrible. It lasted less than one year. You have put up with this for way too long, and you deserve someone who loves and respects you enough to never dream of mistreating you. Why are you hanging on? 2
Maxtor Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 If you continue with this relationship, you will probably end up in a newspaper. Dump him. 1
xcupid Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 You're in an abusive relationship. It's not healthy at all. It won't stop. In fact, it will get worse. And don't expect him to change. Because he won't. You need professional help with this situation IMO. 1
sandylee1 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Don't waste another second eith him. The minute any BF tells me I'm mental and to ask my parents about it, he'd be history. Abuse like this happens because you stick around for it. If you end it, it stops. Stand firm and don't allow it. I once had a BF who said I was mad because I called him out on his crap. I nearly lost it and was ready to hurl a load of insults his way, being quite smart mouthed, but I realised that he was much stronger than me and he could have beaten me up, so I just told him to forget he ever knew me and I'd do the same. I will NOT tolerate anyone speaking to me like that.
Author nnn13 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Posted August 16, 2015 I feel that he acts that way because he thinks what I've done is wrong and is hurting him - but he finds it difficult to understand when it's him in the wrong. I try to be strong minded when I know he's in the wrong but eventually I start to give in and apologise - simply because I can't be bothered for the hurt,crying, arguments and going round in circles. When we're on good terms, everything is so perfect and we're so happy, get along great. But it's when a disagreement, argument, failing to understand one another or lack of communication comes into play is when things turn bad. I know he loves me and wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me - but obviously this is what hurts the most. I don't think he means to, I feel that he acts that way because he doesn't know how to communicate with me. He doesn't know how to talk about things or solve things - his way is turning something small into something so big, arguing, swearing about it, causing explosive arguments at times.. and then in a few hours or the next day, everything is back to normal and he will apologise for acting that way. And tbh, Im kind of tired of brushing things under the carpet - I've told him this for a long time, that I'd rather us speak and sort things out properly, that way we can move forward without the same issue coming up again but he really fails to understand this ---- WHY? We've been together for nearly (details removed by moderator) years now - this past week I have been thinking that maybe counselling could be an option? He joked around on the phone yesterday and said "maybe I'm the one who needs counselling" (about himself that is) ...but I'm afraid that if I do try to speak to him about this, he may think Im being OTT. I personally think it may help speaking to a counsellor, etc as it may help us understand and communicate with each other better - that's the only reason I wish to go. But what if this makes matters worse, what if this then turns into something bigger because he will think we have issues as we're going counselling. Hope that sort of makes sense... x
Author nnn13 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Posted August 16, 2015 Should I maybe hold back on things I would normally say or things that I know might get him angry/turn into an argument - and see if this helps? If this cuts down the arguing.. if this stops us fighting and him being horrible to me? Maybe the issue is with me.. maybe I should be more 'easygoing' as he says.. Should this be an approach I should consider taking...?
Downtown Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 NNN, some of the behaviors you describe are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Specifically, his frequently blaming you for problems and thinking of himself as "The Victim" -- together with the verbal abuse, distorted view of your intentions, lack of empathy during arguments, and his rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are warning signs for BPD. Moreover, the repeated cycle of push-you-away (by creating arguments over nothing) and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of folks having strong traits of BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting he has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your BF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips. Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Only a professional can do that, i.e., determine whether your BF's BPD traits are so severe and persistent as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack -- is to help protect yourself by being able to spot the danger signs. And it will help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money seeking a professional opinion. I can't imagine him ever talking or being that disrespectful towards anybody else - only me because Im his girlfriend.If he is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), that behavior is to be expected. The vast majority of BPDers are "high functioning," which means they generally get along fine with business associates, casual friends, and complete strangers. The reason is that NONE of those people pose a threat to the BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that could be abandoned and no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment. A girlfriend, in contrast, poses BOTH of those threats and thus will trigger the two fears. This is why it is common to see a BPDer being considerate and kind to strangers or clients all day long -- and then go home at night to verbally abuse the very person who loves him. And this is why BPDers typically have no long-term close friends unless those friends live a long distance away. Once a casual friend makes the mistake of drawing close, the BPDer will push him away when the fears start being triggered. Tomorrow he will call as if nothing happened or say that he said those things because he was tired and because I made him angry (with or without an apology).If he has strong BPD traits, those rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you are to be expected. A BPDer has such a weak, fragile sense of self -- and is so emotionally immature -- that he cannot tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings. His subconscious therefore will protect his weak ego by placing the conflicting feeling completely out of touch of his conscious mind. In this way, he consciously only has to deal with one intense emotion at a time. The result is black-white thinking, wherein the BPDer may "split you black" and show his disdain by verbally abusing you -- and then, five hours or a day later, he will flip back (in only ten seconds) to loving you while "splitting you white." My BPDer exW, for example, would rage at me for five hours and then -- when the mood flip occurred -- she would be ready to jump into bed with me. And sometimes these temper tantrums would last as long as a day or two but that was rare. I personally think it may help speaking to a counsellor, etc as it may help us understand and communicate with each other better.Although couples counselors usually are great for teaching communication skills, seeing them likely would be a total waste of time if your BF has more serious underlying issues, e.g., an inability to regulate his own emotions. I therefore suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you likely are dealing with. I further suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If you find most to sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, NNN.
devilish innocent Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 This isn't some sort of verbal abuse. This is exactly verbal abuse! A pretty severe form of it too. You need to stop making excuses for him. He doesn't intentionally choose to hurt you? Listen, people don't generally sit there when everything is fine and plan out how to hurt somebody. It's when they're in a bad mood that the temptation to be mean to another person and cause them pain comes in. They either give in to the temptation or they don't. He chooses to give in. He is smart enough to understand how miserable it makes you, but he chooses to give in anyway. You can even be crying in front of him and he will give in to the temptation to make you cry harder. How is that not his fault?! If the pain he was causing you mattered to him, he probably wouldn't have done it in the first place. Or if for some reason he really couldn't control himself, he would feel horrible after the first time it happened. He would be the one coming to you asking what needed to be done to ensure it doesn't happen again. Instead, he keeps ignoring the problem. He knows it will happen over and over again. He just doesn't care what happens to you. It's much more convenient for him to blame you for everything and let you keep suffering. None of the suggesting you are offering will work on people with his mindset. If nothing is there fault, they will always find a reason to get mad at you, no matter how nice you are. Counseling doesn't work because a person has to want to change. He doesn't. If you can drag somebody with his history into counseling, they will usually just lie or manipulate everything so that it will seem like your fault. The only way this will ever end is if you leave him. 1
ChicagoSparty Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 If you continue with this relationship, you will probably end up in a newspaper. Dump him. If verbal abuse in a relationship resulted in murder, there wouldn't be very many people on Earth.
Sweet Workaholic Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Yes, it's abuse. You may sometimes do things that make him angry. We all do. But **HE** chooses to deal with his anger by being abusive. You have no control at all over that. It's easy for us to say 'walk away - now - in fact, run' which is the best course if you can do it. After 8 years it won't be easy. If you can end it today, you should. If you can't, try to start setting limits to care for yourself. When he's calm, tell him anytime he raises his voice or uses abusive language you are going to hang up/ walk away and you won't speak to him again until he apologizes. Then follow through. ((Hugs))
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