guest569 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Yes he's an ex. He is also someone she had been dating for a while because they were on vacations together. We don't go on vacation with men we dated 4-5 times. Also he didn't broke up over the charm and bag. He broke up over an accumulation of events that made him conclude they were not financially compatible. Again it has nothing to do with her being an independent woman. For OP to claim it's because he had a problem with her independence is to shove the problem under the carpet instead of really analyzing her relationship with him. In her second post she says herself he told her he felt her buying such an expensive bag was ridiculous = Different views on money and how it should be managed. We also don't know OP's financial situation. Yes maybe she is making more money than him BUT she might be in greater debt than him as well. Buying $300 charms and $1,000 bags on credit cards isn't the smartest way to manage your money!! I just skimmed through the thread again and yes, you are creating your own stories and making judgements based on no information. I cant really work out why..
GemmaUK Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Question: Why are some men intimidated by independent women who don't need or want them to pay for things for them? I once dated this guy who decided he couldn't be with me anymore cause I dropped £300 on a charm because he couldn't do it. It was a pretty stupid thing to break up over but I could tell when we were dating that he had a problem with the fact I made more money than him. Why is this a problem for some guys? As Gaeta said I think it was way more than just the charm that he witnessed. I am a woman but I don't see buying a charm for £300 for a bracelet as 'independent' I see it as ridiculous. I had bought a faux leather biker jacket in the Feb, My birthday rolled around a few weeks later and my now ex was insistent on buying me a real leather biker jacket for £200 plus. Why? I already had one that was perfectly fine but not real leather. It's one of the reasons I ended it. He never flinched at spending stupid amounts on things. I recall I bought a hairdryer and mentioned it to him..he went online and found one for £450 as his view was more money was better. He wasn't offering to buy it - just was insistent that I should. I got one for £30, I took it back. I have naturally curly hair and decided to try a diffuser to see if they were any better than they used to be. No, air drying IS STILL the best! My ex was not rich by any means, he lived with his parents at age 43 - still does at age 46 and pays a mortgage on a house that he let his ex live in for free but anything he bought he bought the most expensive variety of. He got a hobby after I split with him - he spent thousands of £'s on it only to ditch it after 5 months. Money and the 'use' of it an be hugely important to a potential life partner. 2
Gaeta Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I just skimmed through the thread again and yes, you are creating your own stories and making judgements based on no information. I cant really work out why.. All I am saying is we have no details on their relationship dynamic and not enough details to be accusing this man of anything. Before I accuse him of anything I would look deeper in OP's spending habits and relationship with money. Maybe because I work in finance and I know making more money doesn't mean anything if you don't know how to manage it. Post #5: He just kept.going on about how I was nuts to pay that and after that day his whole attitude changed. It has nothing to do with her being independent. He found her spending ridiculous. That's having different views on money = incompatibility. 3
oberkeat Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I'm pretty sure all the adult women I dated were independent, including the ones I had relationships and the one I married. A number of them made more money than I did. All lived independently. Some owned their own homes. The commonality I note, reflecting back upon those interactions, was that their apparent independence was a non-issue. I was used to independent women, meaning women who had their own ideas, pursued their own passions and made their own money. I didn't see it as remarkable, more normal. I don't think I've ever dated a woman that wasn't independent. What turns most men off is highly aggressive or pushy women. There's a woman at the office where I work who's job it is to give people orders all day. What pisses folks off is the way she does it. She has a very pushy style that invites combativeness. I don't think it's a coincidence that she's been married and divorced three times.
jen1447 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 All I am saying is we have no details on their relationship dynamic and not enough details to be accusing this man of anything. Before I accuse him of anything I would look deeper in OP's spending habits and relationship with money. Maybe because I work in finance and I know making more money doesn't mean anything if you don't know how to manage it. Post #5: He just kept.going on about how I was nuts to pay that and after that day his whole attitude changed. It has nothing to do with her being independent. He found her spending ridiculous. That's having different views on money = incompatibility. I don't know Gaeta ...OP's very premise in this thread is that her independence was the issue that threatened him, she elaborated in her OP, and I think we have to assume she knows him better than we do. Question: Why are some men intimidated by independent women who don't need or want them to pay for things for them? I once dated this guy who decided he couldn't be with me anymore cause I dropped £300 on a charm because he couldn't do it. It was a pretty stupid thing to break up over but I could tell when we were dating that he had a problem with the fact I made more money than him. Why is this a problem for some guys? Bold indicates he dumped her specifically bc she bought sth he couldn't afford to buy her. 1
Gaeta Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I don't know Gaeta ...OP's very premise in this thread is that her independence was the issue that threatened him, she elaborated in her OP, and I think we have to assume she knows him better than we do. Bold indicates he dumped her specifically bc she bought sth he couldn't afford to buy her. Did he actually tell her 'because he could not do it' or she is assuming it's because he could not do it? Because later she says his words were ' she spends her money on ridiculous things' I doubt he would buy it to her EVEN if he had money if after all he considers $300 for a charm is ridiculous. Right? The message he clearly vehiculated here is 'you spend your money on ridiculous things' not 'I feel bad I cannot spoil you the way you like it' 1
DJOkawari Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Something I've learned from spending time on loveshack: The reason for any deficiency in a man is that he is insecure. Given the way OP laid it out it seems to answer this topic as well (you have to assume the information she gave is correct - but it's easy to see some bias would probably exist). 1
jen1447 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Did he actually tell her 'because he could not do it' or she is assuming it's because he could not do it? Because later she says his words were ' she spends her money on ridiculous things' I doubt he would buy it to her EVEN if he had money if after all he considers $300 for a charm is ridiculous. Right? The message he clearly vehiculated here is 'you spend your money on ridiculous things' not 'I feel bad I cannot spoil you the way you like it' That's not what OP said/intimated. I think we need her to clear it up before ruling anything out or coming to any conclusions about what the reasons were or weren't.
Woggle Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 The OP has the right to spend her own money the way she wants and I am sure he knew she liked expensive stuff before he dated her so he has no room to complain. The kind of independent women I would stay away from are the ones with the I don't need man mentality who treat a man like she can take or leave me. Why would I want to invest my time with a woman who would discard me in a heartbeat with no feelings?
katiegrl Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 (edited) Did he actually tell her 'because he could not do it' or she is assuming it's because he could not do it? Because later she says his words were ' she spends her money on ridiculous things' I doubt he would buy it to her EVEN if he had money if after all he considers $300 for a charm is ridiculous. Right? The message he clearly vehiculated here is 'you spend your money on ridiculous things' not 'I feel bad I cannot spoil you the way you like it' Gaeta, IMO, him blaming her for her frivolous spending habits, was a defense mechanism used so as to avoid having to face and accept his own feelings of inadequacy because he could not afford to buy it for her. A lot of people do that. Rather than accept their own inadequacies and insecuritues, they attempt to flip it around and blame their partners.... whenever they feel bad, hurt, insecure, whatevs. Edited August 15, 2015 by katiegrl
GemmaUK Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I don't think I've ever dated a woman that wasn't independent. What turns most men off is highly aggressive or pushy women. There's a woman at the office where I work who's job it is to give people orders all day. What pisses folks off is the way she does it. She has a very pushy style that invites combativeness. I don't think it's a coincidence that she's been married and divorced three times. I suspect you're correct on your assumption there. There's a female manager at work who is a year younger than me and she is a bully basically. Many have said the same and she attempts to bully me also by firing emails off to me when she isn't happy with something. I stopped replying this week and left 12 of her mails from one morning unanswered. The funny thing was my boss called me and asked how I was just after I got yet another mail from her and I said I was 'fine'. He knew something was up so I told him that sorry if I was being unprofessional and she is higher up than me but good grief I could not be ar**d to reply any more than twice to tell her she needed to get her team to tell her the problem instead of me. His reply to me 'Well done! I'm glad you ignored her! ' She brings her sons in to work and they are the noisiest, rudest and most self absorbed children I have ever met. The lady is very independent, she isn't very nice though. Since her hubby left her 4 years ago she has had a stream of boyfriends moving in with her.
Gaeta Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Gaeta, IMO, him blaming her for her frivolous spending habits, was a defense mechanism used so as to avoid having to face and accept his own feelings of inadequacy because he could not afford to buy it for her. A lot of people do that. Rather than accept their own inadequacies and insecuritues, they attempt to flip it around and blame their partners.... whenever they feel bad, hurt, whatevs. That makes more sense than saying he broke up over a $300 charm. If they were on a trip together it's safe to assume they were not newly dating. There is a history behind this thread. A man dating a woman for lets say 6 months + doesn't go 'she wanted to buy a ridiculous $300 charm so I broke up with her over it'. If he felt inadequate in this relationship was OP aware of it before that trip? I will guess yes. Did they have an open and honest conversation about it? or she wanted for shy to hit the fan and said ' oh well he hates independent women'.
GemmaUK Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 That makes more sense than saying he broke up over a $300 charm. If they were on a trip together it's safe to assume they were not newly dating. There is a history behind this thread. A man dating a woman for lets say 6 months + doesn't go 'she wanted to buy a ridiculous $300 charm so I broke up with her over it'. If he felt inadequate in this relationship was OP aware of it before that trip? I will guess yes. Did they have an open and honest conversation about it? or she wanted for shy to hit the fan and said ' oh well he hates independent women'. Agree. It was not at all just the £300 charm. There's a lot more to the story but probably things which the OP isn't even aware of. 1
katiegrl Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 (edited) That makes more sense than saying he broke up over a $300 charm. If they were on a trip together it's safe to assume they were not newly dating. There is a history behind this thread. A man dating a woman for lets say 6 months + doesn't go 'she wanted to buy a ridiculous $300 charm so I broke up with her over it'. If he felt inadequate in this relationship was OP aware of it before that trip? I will guess yes. Did they have an open and honest conversation about it? or she wanted for shy to hit the fan and said ' oh well he hates independent women'. I have to say, after reading all these responses .... I do agree with your earlier post, wherein you said it was probably not a good idea to have bought the charm in front of him KNOWING he could not afford to buy it for her himself. I would never do that, even after five years with my bf. That's just insensitive IMO. So there may be a bit more to this break up than what she's choosing to share with us here. It goes back to flipping the script... only this time it's her blaming her boyfriend for not appreciating an independent woman, when a big part of it *could* be she may be insensitive, flaunting the fact she can afford things he can't, and he got sick of the attitude. At least that is how HE perceived it. I don't know, but it's possible. Edited August 15, 2015 by katiegrl
guest569 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Of course there is probably more to it, but none of it matters because OP didn't ask "why did he break up with me?" Nor did she request financial advice or criticism.
katiegrl Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Of course there is probably more to it, but none of it matters because OP didn't ask "why did he break up with me?" Nor did she request financial advice or criticism. True, but if she truly wished to avoid critique on her particular situation, she should have omitted her second paragraph entirely, and made the thread more generic. Her second paragraph was not necessary, and IMO when people post about a situation specific to their lives on a forum such as this, they open themselves up to critique and comment.
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