Gaeta Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Yes i agree with you!! I just dont think OP deserves to cop the blame for choosing to do what she wants with her money. I DONT think there is enough in he post to suggest she was flaunting her cash OP has done nothing wrong and Gaeta's comment was unfair. I think my unfair comment was generated by the tone of her original post. It's like she is having the 'who does he think he is' type of tone. Not a reaction you'd get out of a woman who cares about a guy she's been dating for a while. If it had happened to me I would probably have come on here and say 'geez I made him uncomfortable how do I tackle this issue between him and I'. But I am reading more from OP the 'meh F him'.
jay1983 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Maybe He thought it was stupid to spend that much on a charm? 2
guest569 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I think my unfair comment was generated by the tone of her original post. It's like she is having the 'who does he think he is' type of tone. Not a reaction you'd get out of a woman who cares about a guy she's been dating for a while. If it had happened to me I would probably have come on here and say 'geez I made him uncomfortable how do I tackle this issue between him and I'. But I am reading more from OP the 'meh F him'. Well, I got the impression it was a guy she had once dated and therefore an ex. So it would be 'f him' for dumping her over something like that. Again, it's her money, she can use it as she wishes and doesn't need to be 'sensitive' toward him about it. It would be a totally different story if it was a marriage or long term relationship where 'what's mine is yours' shared bank account etc, but she just said 'a guy she once dated'.
RoseVille Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Maybe He thought it was stupid to spend that much on a charm? I've never met a man who thought it was stupid to spend that much money on jewelry or handbags, when he was spending that much money on a watch or a pair of shoes or whatever they're into. We all have our "toys," and I doubt if he actually has the money to buy his own toys of the same value that he'd be balking at her spending that money on hers. Nah, it's a "I cannot afford that" gripe he has. 3
kilgore Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 When I was single I used to get plenty nervous when on a dad with a woman I liked - especially if I wanted to make a move. But never because she was independent; I actually had no interest in a woman if she wasn't self possessed
jay1983 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I've never met a man who thought it was stupid to spend that much money on jewelry or handbags, when he was spending that much money on a watch or a pair of shoes or whatever they're into. We all have our "toys," and I doubt if he actually has the money to buy his own toys of the same value that he'd be balking at her spending that money on hers. Nah, it's a "I cannot afford that" gripe he has. I've never met neither a guy so concerned how much his girl spent on a charm or so jealous he couldn't afford it that he got angry. They both sound farfetched, I think gaeta has the highest common demoninator assuming we have all the facts. I was just throwing something else out there. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I agree with jay. Sounds to me as though he found you too materialistic for his taste, wasn't impressed by what he viewed as frivolous spending. I felt the same way when my ex spent $600 on a pair of shoes. He could have gotten a perfectly nice pair of shoes for much less and fed a small family in a developing country for 2 years. But his vanity and materialism prevailed. I found it sad, and repellent. Different values. 5
kilgore Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I guess that is a fair point. I was always bored by even discussion in detail of expensive material things - house, car, shoes, etc 1
mrldii Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Not to worry, OP...I, too, enjoy collecting charms for a bracelet I've had since it was given to me when I turned 12. What I spend on each charm is MY business because it's MY money earned from MY business. If someone's got a problem with that, well then...that's exactly what it is: their problem. And, one which will they'll get over with OR without me. 5
kilgore Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Not to worry, OP...I, too, enjoy collecting charms for a bracelet I've had since it was given to me when I turned 12. What I spend on each charm is MY business because it's MY money earned from MY business. If someone's got a problem with that, well then...that's exactly what it is: their problem. And, one which will they'll get over with OR without me. But that isn't being materialistic - that collection means something to you
mrldii Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 But that isn't being materialistic - that collection means something to you I suspect OP's does, too. Oh, and for the record, I am an avid collector of shoes. MY money, MY choice. Again, he'll get over it...OR not. No me importa. 5
kilgore Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I suspect OP's does, too. Oh, and for the record, I am an avid collector of shoes. MY money, MY choice. Again, he'll get over it...OR not. No me importa. I didn't mean to sound like a judgmental dick. I guess I don't like it when that is all someone wants to talk about.but I guess someone would not want to hear me prattle on about whatever they are not interested in. What kind of shoes?
mrldii Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I didn't mean to sound like a judgmental dick. I guess I don't like it when that is all someone wants to talk about.but I guess someone would not want to hear me prattle on about whatever they are not interested in. What kind of shoes? You didn't sound judgmental at all...it was a breath of fresh air, compared to some of the other posts. All kinds. Boots, flats, sandals...with a special fondness for "CFMs". I particularly like "all show, no go" shoes. Most of the men I've been with, particularly like 'em, too...which, of course, just encourages me to buy more. 1
kilgore Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 You didn't sound judgmental at all...it was a breath of fresh air, compared to some of the other posts. All kinds. Boots, flats, sandals...with a special fondness for "CFMs". I particularly like "all show, no go" shoes. Most of the men I've been with, particularly like 'em, too...which, of course, just encourages me to buy more. For some reason I always liked women in fashion sneakers. I dunno, maybe because I am such a boring dresser. Wow, I make myself sound so appealing on LS
RoseVille Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 But that isn't being materialistic - that collection means something to you It wasn't materialistic for the OP, either. My shoes and my handbags mean something, to me. I collect them, instead of cars, watches, large TVs or other fancy electronics. 2
RoseVille Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I agree with jay. Sounds to me as though he found you too materialistic for his taste, wasn't impressed by what he viewed as frivolous spending. I felt the same way when my ex spent $600 on a pair of shoes. He could have gotten a perfectly nice pair of shoes for much less and fed a small family in a developing country for 2 years. But his vanity and materialism prevailed. I found it sad, and repellent. Different values. What's "sad and repellent" to me is when someone assumes the worst in others, in this case, vanity and materialism, instead of collectability and craftsmanship. 3
kenmore Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Question: Why are some men intimidated by independent women who don't need or want them to pay for things for them? I once dated this guy who decided he couldn't be with me anymore cause I dropped £300 on a charm because he couldn't do it. It was a pretty stupid thing to break up over but I could tell when we were dating that he had a problem with the fact I made more money than him. Why is this a problem for some guys? I didn't read any responses, I wanted to reply to your original post. I hope that's OK now. I married an independent woman, she was very independent! In fact, she married two other guys before me (and honestly, I don't think she did, I think she was only married once before...semantics.) Regardless, it was obvious she considered them nothing so I was the great love in her life! Well, it didn't turn out so great. I would NEVER "drop" a woman because she has her own means or enough money to buy what she wants, but she treated me like I didn't mean much (toward the end), and that's a definite reason to end a relationship! Obviously not speaking of you and yours, this is just how it went for me. From a man's perspective: I love independent women! I would have loved to have "kept" her (imagine "keeping an independent woman"!) In fact, it was a point of pride for me! Alas, she was just too um...independent. I totally agree with you Spirit dancer! I think it should never be an issue, but society (there's the nasty word!) says MEN need to make the most money and be the "away-from-home" breadwinner and the woman needs to be the one who lives at home and makes the house work. So, if you (and supposedly she) are so independent and so contemporary, why did she divorce me because she wanted me to make more money? How would you feel if you made the money you do and a guy (say me) loved you and suddenly (a month before marriage) lost my job and you had to support us? Suppose I was looking for a good job, was only able to get crap jobs and you had to do the supporting? This is totally hypothetical of course LOL Nothing like that ever went on in my life! I'm just curious. Not attacking, just really asking (OKAY, it did happen in my life if you don't know.) I get her perspective (kinda), but want to hear it from other women! Ken
TheFinalWord Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Question: Why are some men intimidated by independent women who don't need or want them to pay for things for them? I once dated this guy who decided he couldn't be with me anymore cause I dropped £300 on a charm because he couldn't do it. It was a pretty stupid thing to break up over but I could tell when we were dating that he had a problem with the fact I made more money than him. Why is this a problem for some guys? Don't worry about the psychology of men that don't pan out. We could ask why you decided to show off your money. Maybe he thinks you are stuck up b/c of that. I don't think you are, I could care less what you spend your money on. That's what makes you happy, you work hard, so spend away IMHO. But some men care about that sort of thing, like some women care a man must be taller, etc. All people are superficial to some extent. Mainly a matter of figuring out what they are superficial about. To another guy, the fact you treat yourself (hey, life is short!) may be a real turn-on. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Many of these same men are correct to be worried, by being intimidated by "independent women". Truism. Experience has taught me that women can change their mind on a dime. And what initially may not be a concern in a relationship suddenly becomes a concern. As a low-wage earner, who has little interest in material wealth or a career, I consider myself fncked. But...we all have our priorities. If I was counseling another guy who was looking for a long-term relationship, I'd advise him to date a woman with a lower paying job. Insecurity or not, in an age where forums like this produce threads that can run 40-pages long with a poster pulling our leg about the drama of an exposed 15-year affair, replete with embezzlement, fist fights, legal battles, romance, Latin gangs, suicide, paternity tests and unwanted pregnancy, I say...cover all bases.
Vercetti Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Some guys want to feel wanted / needed / able to protect and provide. So if some women basically run roughshod of the guys primary purpose...he will find a woman that can apecerate what he can provide that makes him feel like a man. Independant turn off usually isn't about money completely, it's the atitude of not needing or taking serious. So better question, if so independt why care if men gravite to women that flatter them.
lino Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I've never heard of any man intimidated by this sort of thing. Why exactly would it be intimidating? Most men I know aren't thrilled to be carrying the financial burden of a relationship so they'd welcome such a woman. I could see this being used as a cowardly excuse because they didn't find the girl attractive though.
PrettyEmily77 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I haven't met many guys who were intimidated by independent women, financially or otherwise; if he truly were, he wouldn't have dated you in the first place, IMO. Sounds more like a case of incompatibility on how to handle the finances, like Gaeta suggested, which has nothing to do with the pay packet, IME. One guy I dated loved the fact I was my own woman financially but had major issues with my love for expensive make-up and treatments, which he considered to be pointless - he was also by far the wealthiest guy I dated. Make-up won, obvs. 2
BluEyeL Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I don't know...I have mixed feelings about the topic. I don't think that the cliche "men are intimidated by independent women" is true. They are not "intimidated" by your independence per say. But I think there is still a problem, often, when a man feels inadequate in a relationship because he can't make enough money, or more money than his partner. It's not simple and black and white, there are all kinds of feelings and it depends on the people's personalities too. This is basically why my marriage ended, or at least that was the excuse. Although we met when we were 18 and we were students, all equal on the "financial" front, as time passed, he always felt less successful than me. But also, he was insecure in his own abilities, and expected me to take care of him, in the sense of finding him jobs and in general helping him raise his status and wealth. But when I did what he wanted me to do, he felt bad afterwards. Usually he'd ask me to do something, go somewhere (for example asked me to go to the US when the opportunity arose, and I didn't want to, but he basically insisted I do), and then complain about the result (you brought me to this ****ty place!!!). Then, he hated that I wasn't submissive when he yelled, threw things or wanted to hit our son. He used to yell that if he had money, he'd put me in my place. He used to say he "forbids me" to do this and that and I would be like "oh yeah? You said "forbid"? hahaha Watch me! ". So yeah, I wasn't all submissive and afraid, so of course he would have loved to "put me in my place". All in all, I still think it was a problem he had, he felt he didn't have enough control, he felt insecure in his masculinity and yet, in the end he said that with me he didn't get as high up as he wanted in his career (expecting me to be the one to "give" him a certain status-he wanted me to "give" him a certain job, which was delusional because there was no way I could do that). He wanted to both feel he was better than me/superior/can put me to my place, and have me give him the things he wanted in life, at the same time, which is impossible. Anyway, now my BF makes more money than me, MUCH more money, and I am the one who feels a little insecure and I'm not a man. Maybe insecure is not a good term, but I don't always like the feeling admitting that I don't have enough for this or that, it's a new feeling for me, I don't know, I somehow feel "smaller" and I am not really used to the feeling, never had it before (I'm 43yo). I sometimes feel he flaunts it a little bit too. But all in all, I just deal with it and wouldn't end a relationship for it. But I realize that the person with more money can make more decisions in a relationship, in certain situations at least. If you're not used or OK with that....it's a problem. For me it isn't and that may be precisely because I am a woman. For a man, maybe it could lead to resentment. I don't think it was about the charm, it was about his feelings of inadequacy and thus, you two were incompatible on the long term. Find a man who feels secure and who makes as much, more or close to how much you make. I know, it may be hard, but it's possible.
Haydn Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Iv`e always been with independent girls. I`d hate to be carried and hate to carry someone. But that does not mean i don`t spoil my girl something rotten;) And vice versa. 2
Gaeta Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Well, I got the impression it was a guy she had once dated and therefore an ex. So it would be 'f him' for dumping her over something like that. Again, it's her money, she can use it as she wishes and doesn't need to be 'sensitive' toward him about it. It would be a totally different story if it was a marriage or long term relationship where 'what's mine is yours' shared bank account etc, but she just said 'a guy she once dated'. Yes he's an ex. He is also someone she had been dating for a while because they were on vacations together. We don't go on vacation with men we dated 4-5 times. Also he didn't broke up over the charm and bag. He broke up over an accumulation of events that made him conclude they were not financially compatible. Again it has nothing to do with her being an independent woman. For OP to claim it's because he had a problem with her independence is to shove the problem under the carpet instead of really analyzing her relationship with him. In her second post she says herself he told her he felt her buying such an expensive bag was ridiculous = Different views on money and how it should be managed. We also don't know OP's financial situation. Yes maybe she is making more money than him BUT she might be in greater debt than him as well. Buying $300 charms and $1,000 bags on credit cards isn't the smartest way to manage your money!! 2
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