SpiritDancer Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Question: Why are some men intimidated by independent women who don't need or want them to pay for things for them? I once dated this guy who decided he couldn't be with me anymore cause I dropped £300 on a charm because he couldn't do it. It was a pretty stupid thing to break up over but I could tell when we were dating that he had a problem with the fact I made more money than him. Why is this a problem for some guys?
Maleficent Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Usually it is because they are insecure. I'm curious to know the context behind the charm. Is it something he wanted to buy you but couldn't so you bought it yourself or is it something you wanted him to buy and you bought it when he couldn't? Would have been able to wait a little for him to save up and get it for you? Was it for an anniversary gift? etc etc
deadelvis Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Not me. I certainly wouldn't mind if my partner made good money. I dated a rich girl once at it was awesome. (she wasn't awesome but her money was)
mrldii Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Some men are afraid that if a woman does not have to be with him (due to finances, due to her desperation to click that coveted "in a relationship" box on social sites, due to her inability to tie her shoes properly so as to NOT break her neck, etc.), but instead *just* wants to be with him, she may eventually leave him when he stops being someone a woman would simply want to be around. Many of these some men are correct to be worried, by being intimidated by "independent women". 8
Author SpiritDancer Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 Usually it is because they are insecure. I'm curious to know the context behind the charm. Is it something he wanted to buy you but couldn't so you bought it yourself or is it something you wanted him to buy and you bought it when he couldn't? Would have been able to wait a little for him to save up and get it for you? Was it for an anniversary gift? etc etc No. We went on holiday together and whenever I go to a new country I buy a charm for my charm bracelet. I was also looking to pick up a bag that would cost a fair amount of money but I didn't see any I like. He just kept.going on about how I was nuts to pay that and after that day his whole attitude changed.
carhill Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 I'm pretty sure all the adult women I dated were independent, including the ones I had relationships and the one I married. A number of them made more money than I did. All lived independently. Some owned their own homes. The commonality I note, reflecting back upon those interactions, was that their apparent independence was a non-issue. I was used to independent women, meaning women who had their own ideas, pursued their own passions and made their own money. I didn't see it as remarkable, more normal. 5
Gaeta Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Question: Why are some men intimidated by independent women who don't need or want them to pay for things for them? I once dated this guy who decided he couldn't be with me anymore cause I dropped £300 on a charm because he couldn't do it. It was a pretty stupid thing to break up over but I could tell when we were dating that he had a problem with the fact I made more money than him. Why is this a problem for some guys? Because you made him feel shytty. I make more than most men I date and I don't wave my money in their face and I don't make them uncomfortable by buying expensive stuff in front of them. I don't talk about my earning, don't talk about how much I spend. If I know they cannot afford a certain restaurant or certain things I don't suggest them. 1
Author SpiritDancer Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 Because you made him feel shytty. I make more than most men I date and I don't wave my money in their face and I don't make them uncomfortable by buying expensive stuff in front of them. I don't talk about my earning, don't talk about how much I spend. If I know they cannot afford a certain restaurant or certain things I don't suggest them. I never told him how much I earned but I'd already told him before the holiday that I would be going to buy said charm because whenever I go to a new country I like to do it. It was pretty clear that I did/do make more than him but I never said anything about it and I never wanted to go anywhere that he couldn't afford but I also wasn't about to let.him pay for every date when I'm more than able to do so.
carhill Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 As far as why intimidated, for some men dependence equals comfort and control and a man likes to feel comfortable and in control (of himself) in a romantic relationship. if a woman is or can become a competitor by being 'independent', he can feel out of control and uncomfortable and unsafe. Perhaps men wouldn't couch such feelings as being 'intimidated' rather more 'unattractive' but the result is the same; all else being equal, he'll choose the woman he's more comfortable with and feels more safe with. 1
Maleficent Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 No. We went on holiday together and whenever I go to a new country I buy a charm for my charm bracelet. I was also looking to pick up a bag that would cost a fair amount of money but I didn't see any I like. He just kept.going on about how I was nuts to pay that and after that day his whole attitude changed. Oh ok. I'm pretty sure you were dealing with the insecure kind then...
Hope Shimmers Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 I'm pretty sure all the adult women I dated were independent, including the ones I had relationships and the one I married. A number of them made more money than I did. All lived independently. Some owned their own homes. The commonality I note, reflecting back upon those interactions, was that their apparent independence was a non-issue. I was used to independent women, meaning women who had their own ideas, pursued their own passions and made their own money. I didn't see it as remarkable, more normal. That's because you are self-confident. This has been an issue with guys I have been with. Too, there is a difference between having an independent personality, and being financially independent. I am both. That has ended up biting me in the a** more than once though, because men translate that to mean an independent woman can't be emotionally vulnerable or "need" a man emotionally. My ex of a few years ago who was separated, broke things off with me and went back to his wife, saying, "You are strong and independent and you can take care of yourself. She can't."
BlueIris Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Some men are afraid that if a woman does not have to be with him (due to finances, due to her desperation to click that coveted "in a relationship" box on social sites, due to her inability to tie her shoes properly so as to NOT break her neck, etc.), but instead *just* wants to be with him, she may eventually leave him when he stops being someone a woman would simply want to be around. Many of these some men are correct to be worried, by being intimidated by "independent women". True. Also some people want to feel superior or fawned over. People can be very weird about money. 1
guest569 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Because you made him feel shytty. I make more than most men I date and I don't wave my money in their face and I don't make them uncomfortable by buying expensive stuff in front of them. I don't talk about my earning, don't talk about how much I spend. If I know they cannot afford a certain restaurant or certain things I don't suggest them. Seriously? She wasn't waving money in his face or rubbing his nose in it. Gosh.. She wasn't taking him shopping to buy herself a Ferrari. They were on holiday together so she kicked up a charm for a bracelet. He has insecurities or thought that buying jewelry made them incompatible as a couple. Perhaps he is the type to only by absolute necessities. Either way its none of his business what you do with your money and kinda rude to make t hat comment. 4
angel.eyes Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 I'm sure there are some insecure men out there, but IME, this has been a non-issue. There's self-confidence and independence. But there are those who confuse that with arrogance and entitlement. That somehow a date should be grateful that she deigned to date him. Then there are those who feel a need to one-up their partner and turn everything into some pointless competition. Or feel a need to rub differences in their partners' faces. I would never date the male equivalent, and I expect, most guys wouldn't find the female version particularly attractive. At the end of the day, I think many men want and value a partner who is kind, caring, thoughtful, loyal, and respects them. Being playful and flirtatious doesn't hurt either. My job title, career accomplishments, recognition, and awards, assets, all the perks? Sure those are nice, but they aren't going to be the primary reason a guy picks me. I recognize that. First and foremost will be whether he can trust me to be empathetic and supportive when he opens up and is emotionally vulnerable. Followed by whether he genuinely enjoys being around me, and looks forward with excitement to seeing me. To cite a famous quote, people may not remember the details of what you say or do, but they remember how you make them feel. Nowhere is that more true than in dating. 1
Gaeta Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Seriously? She wasn't waving money in his face or rubbing his nose in it. Gosh.. She wasn't taking him shopping to buy herself a Ferrari. They were on holiday together so she kicked up a charm for a bracelet. He has insecurities or thought that buying jewelry made them incompatible as a couple. Perhaps he is the type to only by absolute necessities. Either way its none of his business what you do with your money and kinda rude to make t hat comment. We don't know how long they dated and what else OP spends her money on. If this man was looking for a wife I can see where he felt after a while that they were not financially compatible. A) she earned much more and he felt he could not keep up with her and her life style B) He hated the way she spent her money and could not see how this would work out in a marriage. It has nothing to do with her being 'independent' 4
angel.eyes Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Seriously? She wasn't waving money in his face or rubbing his nose in it. Gosh.. She wasn't taking him shopping to buy herself a Ferrari. They were on holiday together so she kicked up a charm for a bracelet. He has insecurities or thought that buying jewelry made them incompatible as a couple. Perhaps he is the type to only by absolute necessities. Either way its none of his business what you do with your money and kinda rude to make t hat comment. I do watch how a guy spends his money when I date him! Is he financially responsible? (From their comments, guys rapidly form judgments about how I handle money too.) I'm looking for a LTR, and ultimately marriage. Financial compatibility is one of the biggest stumbling blocks in relationships. If it's clear from the outset that we have different values here, I wouldn't proceed. I'm not alone in that thinking. 2
mrldii Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Why do some women think men are intimidated by them? Just because a guy chooses to pass on a particular woman does not mean he is intimidated. He probably just isn't interested. I can't speak for all or even other women, but I chalk it up to being intimidated when...oh, let's say...I'm having a coffee at a meet-and-greet (after a couple of emails and chatting on the phone a couple of times) and the guy sitting across from me is suddenly stammering and shaking and unable to say anything more than one-word "Yes" or "No" responses to the topics with which I try to engage him. And then, when the meet-and-greet is over and I stand up and say, "Well, it was nice meeting you...too bad there wasn't a connection...best of everything to you" and walk away only to receive an email hours later asking, "Why'd you say THAT?!? I really liked you...!?!" Yeah...no. 2
casey.lives Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 men are not intimidated by independent women. they're intimidated by a scorned women. they love women with money.. why not it makes life so much easier 1
katiegrl Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 (edited) Because you made him feel shytty. I make more than most men I date and I don't wave my money in their face and I don't make them uncomfortable by buying expensive stuff in front of them. I don't talk about my earning, don't talk about how much I spend. If I know they cannot afford a certain restaurant or certain things I don't suggest them. Gaeta, I don't think SpiritDancer made him feel shytty, but I do think the situation in general, and the fact she can afford to buy herself nice things (apparently not needing him to) made him feel shytty. Another poster mentioned insecurity and I agree. My guess is he probably felt emasculated and inadequate because HE can't afford to buy her those nice things. NOT your problem Spirit so don't feel bad or guilty because you bought yourself something nice. This is HIS issue, due to his own feelings of inadequacy and insecurity IMO. Edited August 15, 2015 by katiegrl 3
Woggle Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Because men hate to feel useless and disposable in a woman's life when they are with her.
WomenWubber Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Question: Why are some men intimidated by independent women who don't need or want them to pay for things for them? I once dated this guy who decided he couldn't be with me anymore cause I dropped £300 on a charm because he couldn't do it. It was a pretty stupid thing to break up over but I could tell when we were dating that he had a problem with the fact I made more money than him. Why is this a problem for some guys? More money, or much, much more money than him?
fitnessfan365 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Because men hate to feel useless and disposable in a woman's life when they are with her. I like being a guy that's necessary in the bedroom. The rest falls into place. In the past, I've dated a lot of "old fashioned" women. Their femininity is very sexy and has a lot of initial appeal. But the problem is that the courting process never really stops. Even after you're in a relationship, the guy still always plans, always pays, and always initiates sex. So it feels very one sided. It's funny. I actually didn't realize how much resentment I felt until I met my GF. She's very feminine in a lot of ways - how she dresses, submissive in bed, nurturing/cooks,etc..However, she's also very independent and a bit of a feminist. Will suggest date ideas, chips in w-money,and initiates sex from time to time. It feels like we're in an actual relationship and more of a team. I think this is why I feel so happy and at ease w-her. She has the ability to make me feel very appreciated and wanted, while also not making me feel taken advantage of. So I say bring on the independent women! 4
Woggle Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I like being a guy that's necessary in the bedroom. The rest falls into place. In the past, I've dated a lot of "old fashioned" women. Their femininity is very sexy and has a lot of initial appeal. But the problem is that the courting process never really stops. Even after you're in a relationship, the guy still always plans, always pays, and always initiates sex. So it feels very one sided. It's funny. I actually didn't realize how much resentment I felt until I met my GF. She's very feminine in a lot of ways - how she dresses, submissive in bed, nurturing/cooks,etc..However, she's also very independent and a bit of a feminist. Will suggest date ideas, chips in w-money,and initiates sex from time to time. It feels like we're in an actual relationship and more of a team. I think this is why I feel so happy and at ease w-her. She has the ability to make me feel very appreciated and wanted, while also not making me feel taken advantage of. So I say bring on the independent women! It's very hard to find the perfect balance between an I don't need a man type and an old fashioned type of woman. The men who are lucky enough to find it are the ones who have happy relationships.
guest569 Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 I do watch how a guy spends his money when I date him! Is he financially responsible? (From their comments, guys rapidly form judgments about how I handle money too.) I'm looking for a LTR, and ultimately marriage. Financial compatibility is one of the biggest stumbling blocks in relationships. If it's clear from the outset that we have different values here, I wouldn't proceed. I'm not alone in that thinking. Yes i agree with you!! I just dont think OP deserves to cop the blame for choosing to do what she wants with her money. I DONT think there is enough in he post to suggest she was flaunting her cash OP has done nothing wrong and Gaeta's comment was unfair. 2
angel.eyes Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 We don't know how the whole situation unfolded. At any rate, it doesn't hurt to be a little sensitive to how someone else might feel, whether that's a friend or boyfriend. I probably would have made the purchase when he was napping or in the gym. Not in front of him...just because I can. You know what I mean? 1
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