Date hid the fact that she has kids

[O'Malley]

As others have said, carefully omitting such an important and relevant aspect of her life would raise my sense of caution, even if I liked her otherwise. She's not a horrible person, but it sounds like she needs to mature a bit before she enters another serious relationship and become comfortable with the fact that some people just don't want to date parents, the same way that people get turned down for a myriad of far more petty reasons.

 

You're not obligated to keep plans with her, but I'd wish her well and walk away from this as amicably as you can. You might have great chemistry with her, but from the sound of it what you want out of life at this point just isn't compatible with this woman and there's nothing wrong with feeling that way.

[phineas]

Many women hide the fact that they have kids, and they should........they are their childrens' protector.

 

That makes no sense at all.

not one bit.

 

But, after reading the rest of this thread I can see why she hid the fact she had kids.

Because that sort of talk led to the talk about the fathers.

Edited August 19, 2015 by phineas

[h0000]

 

I know that none of these things are good signs but I like to judge a person by who they are NOW and not their past. This is probably because I feel that I could be somewhat unfairly judged based on my past. OkCupid has a question that it asks users that's something along the lines of "would you date someone who was a virgin at 25?" I was a virgin and didn't have anything close to a serious relationship until I was 27. This may be apples and oranges but it kind of sucks knowing that your past will always follow you and you will always be judged for it, so I try not to do that to others.

 

 

Yeah everyone has a past, but that doesn't mean all pasts are the same. And certainly doesn't mean all pasts should be forgotten.

Your past of being a virgin at 27 was not comparable to her past of having 2 kids with 2 nuts at 27.

No, you won't always be judged by your past. If now she was a successful,independent,financially well endowed woman, none of us would judge her. I would congratulate you for getting such a lady who matured and learnt form her past.

But it sounds like she is still lost, her life is still somewhat a mess, her children are not in a very stable living situation, I doubt she has evolved from her past.

[xyz1234]

You're not obligated to keep plans with her' date=' but I'd wish her well and walk away from this as amicably as you can. You might have great chemistry with her, but from the sound of it what you want out of life at this point just isn't compatible with this woman and there's nothing wrong with feeling that way.[/quote']

 

What's tough is I really don't like completely walking away from people I meet who I come to like. I would want to stay friends in some way if she's willing. Who knows, maybe we'll both still be single at 43 when both of her children are over 18. I'm kind of joking haha, but like I said, I just like to keep things as friendly as possible with the people I meet, and not just say "welp, since you have kids... bye!"

 

Yeah everyone has a past, but that doesn't mean all pasts are the same. And certainly doesn't mean all pasts should be forgotten.

Your past of being a virgin at 27 was not comparable to her past of having 2 kids with 2 nuts at 27.

No, you won't always be judged by your past. If now she was a successful,independent,financially well endowed woman, none of us would judge her. I would congratulate you for getting such a lady who matured and learnt form her past.

But it sounds like she is still lost, her life is still somewhat a mess, her children are not in a very stable living situation, I doubt she has evolved from her past.

 

Yeah, that's true, saying that I'll "always" be judged for that wasn't the right way to word it. It is something that some people will unfairly judge me for though, which is kind of a bummer.

 

Of the traits you mentioned I'd say she seems independent for the most part, but maybe not exactly successful or financially well-endowed. She's had a tough life though and she put herself through college (just graduated at 27, but still), she has a new job that sounds pretty respectable. But yeah, her children don't seem to be in a very stable living situation, unfortunately.

[xyz1234]

Anyway, I'm going away for a few days on vacation tomorrow, and she's going away a few days after I get back, so she asked to hang out at some point in between. So we're going to do something Monday night.

 

I know I need to tell her how conflicted I'm feeling about everything, but I'd really rather not just totally end things. Really, she hasn't come out and said exactly what she is looking for in a relationship, so I guess I can start there. And move on to how dating a single mom is so new and different to me, and I'm really not 100% sure that it's something I can do, and see what she says.

 

If anyone has any tips on how to handle this while taking her feelings into consideration I'd appreciate it. I sometimes fail to come up with the right words, so I like having a solid plan.

[lino]

After reading the further info you've provided, I'd definitely not pursue anything more. Not even just for roots.

 

This woman will be a headache for anyone involved. I feel sorry for the kids.

[joseb]

OP, are you a fixer by nature? A bit of a White Knight?

 

The more info this woman reveals, the more it's screaming run run run.

 

The multiple fathers, the police station situation - really not good.

 

If you get serious, be prepared for a LOT of drama.

[h0000]

op I wonder if deep down you are not that confident about yourself and you don't think you will have much of a chance with a girl as attractive as her, minus the kids.

And I wonder if deep down you think she wouldn't be interested in you if she had no kids. So you are so reluctant to let go.

Is that why you are so easy to settle?

[stillafool]

op I wonder if deep down you are not that confident about yourself and you don't think you will have much of a chance with a girl as attractive as her, minus the kids.

And I wonder if deep down you think she wouldn't be interested in you if she had no kids. So you are so reluctant to let go.

Is that why you are so easy to settle?

 

I think he is willing to settle because she looks good. It's amazing how much a man will overlook if a woman is attractive enough.

[Diezel]

If anyone has any tips on how to handle this while taking her feelings into consideration I'd appreciate it. I sometimes fail to come up with the right words, so I like having a solid plan.

 

Break up with her.

 

That's your plan. I don't think you are ready for whatever is next for her.

 

What does SHE want? Probably to get a third father in the mix, one that'll take care of all the other kids, this time.

[xyz1234]

OP, are you a fixer by nature? A bit of a White Knight?

 

The more info this woman reveals, the more it's screaming run run run.

 

The multiple fathers, the police station situation - really not good.

 

If you get serious, be prepared for a LOT of drama.

 

I'm not really sure if I'm a fixer or a white knight, since I really haven't been dating for that long. I did date a girl last year for 4 months (longer than it should have been) who I'm pretty sure had legitimate mental issues, and I probably would have stayed with her if she hadn't ended things after I flipped out on her for giving me the silent treatment while I was trying to enjoy a vacation with friends.

 

I think I have a tendency to try to see the best in people and really hate hurting peoples feelings. I absolutely hate rejecting people, and I tend to want to stay friends with girls when a relationship ends (legitimately, I don't just say it to soften the blow).

 

But yeah, there does seem to be a lot of drama waiting to happen if I date this girl.

 

op I wonder if deep down you are not that confident about yourself and you don't think you will have much of a chance with a girl as attractive as her, minus the kids.

And I wonder if deep down you think she wouldn't be interested in you if she had no kids. So you are so reluctant to let go.

Is that why you are so easy to settle?

 

I think he is willing to settle because she looks good. It's amazing how much a man will overlook if a woman is attractive enough.

 

Hmm, I'm not sure that's 100% the case. She does have a very attractive face/smile (the type that's hard to say no to), but I think overall I'm in her league at the very least. I'm in better physical shape, have a better job, financial stability, etc. Less drama and baggage in my life for sure.

 

But on the other hand, I have had thoughts that she probably wouldn't date me if she didn't have kids. A pretty face goes a long way for girls, and she'd have no shortage of guys chasing her if it weren't for the kids. So maybe that is the case to some extent.

 

Honestly though, I kind of become attached to girls I meet that I like quickly, even if I'm not that physically attracted. I recently went on a couple dates with a girl, and liked her personality but wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with her. At one point she told me she really liked me and wanted to be more than friends. I felt horrible and told her that I like her too but I think in more of a friend sort of way. She didn't respond until a day later and basically said, "well, it sounds like we're not on the same page but good luck!" I texted back telling her that I really would love to be friends if she's up for but she never responded. I guess most people probably aren't like me, where when I meet someone I like, I want to keep them in my life in some way whether it's as a girlfriend or a friend.

 

All this is probably why I really don't want to just tell this girl it's over. I think she's a cool person, we have a lot in common, and I'd like to have her in my life in some way, but I'd rather not be involved with the kids situation...

[xyz1234]

So she invited me over to her place tomorrow night and I accepted, because I do want to at least talk about how I feel about the situation, see what she's even looking for, etc. Problem is that she's going to make dinner and we're going to watch a movie, so depending on how the conversation goes the rest of the night could be pretty awkward, or she could just tell me to leave...

 

I'm honestly pretty terrified about it. I'm worried about how she'll react. It's only been 3 dates but the last one was pretty intimate and I already care about her. I guess my current plan is to tell her that I'm really not sure that I'm at a place in life where I'm comfortable getting into a serious relationship with a single mom, and see what she says. Like, kind of act like I want her help in telling me how things would be if I pursue it further, and hopefully she'll say something like that if I don't think I'm up for it there's no hard feelings and she understands that it's a deal breaker for a lot of people. And hopefully we can remain friendly to some extent.

 

It's honestly a huge bummer to me that I even have to do this, because if it weren't for the kids I'd be pumped to date this girl. There's even a little part of me that's telling me to just go with it and see what happens (see for myself how much drama there will be, etc). I'm also wondering if it's the fact that my parents and friends would not be accepting at all of me dating someone with kids that's the main thing causing me to feel that I can't pursue it...

 

This sucks, my stomach is going to be in knots all day at work tomorrow...

[h0000]

Hmm ok I don't understand why you would just like to keep everybody in your life in one way or another. Some people are toxic and you simply can't keep them even just as a friend..

Sounds like you want her to make the decision for you, to end this and remain your friend. So what if she doesn't want to remain your friend? Are you going to put up with her kids now just so you can have her in your life one way or another?

The fact that you are so afraid of confrontation/so scared of losing one "female friend" that you would rather put up with the kids with the rest of your life is even harder for me to understand.

[Ami1uwant]

Why do you have an issue in dating a single mom????

[Space Ritual]

Looks like I've managed to get myself into yet another messed up situation. I recently met a girl on Tinder and had two pretty great dates. I'm definitely attracted to her and we have a good amount in common.

 

So at the end of the second date on Wednesday I offer to walk her back to her car. She suddenly gets really awkward, and at first I thought she was going to tell me something like "I like you, but I don't think I like you in that way." Nope. She told me that she parked as far away as she did because she didn't want me to see the car seats in her back seat... She has two kids; an 8 year old and a 3 year old.

 

She apologized and told me she didn't expect to actually meet someone she likes on Tinder, and knew that if she mentioned in her profile that she has kids that that would eliminate most of her prospects. I was pretty shocked and didn't really know what to say. We had already planned to hang out on Monday, and I ended up telling her I'd need to do some thinking about the whole situation. I felt bad and awkward and ended up telling her that I do like her and we kissed a little bit, and said goodbye.

 

I texted her last night just to chat but I haven't come to a decision yet. This morning I was on Tinder again (I'm addicted to swiping) and she popped up, so apparently she had unmatched with me or closed and reopened her account. It showed that she was last online 17 hours prior, which was before our text conversation last night, so I don't think she meant anything by unmatching with me, besides maybe to change her main profile pic to one of her with her kids without me seeing it. I assume she changed the pic because felt bad about not being more upfront with me about it and doesn't want to put herself in that situation again.

 

Anyway, this situation kind of sucks, haha. I'm 28 and she is almost 28, so having kids (or dating someone who does) at this age isn't entirely unreasonable, but I've really never considered it an option. I mean, I only had my first serious relationship last year, I have zero friends who have kids, etc. There is a lot that comes along with it that I don't think I'm ready for. I do like kids, but to suddenly be a father figure to one? What if things get serious and I want to raise my own kids from birth some day and she doesn't?

 

I feel bad about her situation too. She told me she hasn't been in a relationship in two years, and it sounded like she thinks it's because she has kids. She's a beautiful girl so that's probably true. It's gotta suck knowing that because her relationship failed with the father(s?) of her children that lots of guys don't want to be in a relationship with her. She seems to be a great girl even though she has gone through hard times and a really tough childhood.

 

Another problem I have with it that probably sounds dumb is that I think if I were to get into a relationship with her I'd feel like I was the "nice guy" that she settled for because of her limited options due to having kids. I've seen situations where a woman who is clearly out of a guys league dates/marries him seemingly just to have someone to help care for her children. And I've always felt bad for that guy. I really don't think she's out of my league but I just have that sense that girls who have kids do this sort of thing, and I don't want to be the guy that anyone "settled for" after things failed with the type of guy they are really into.

 

Ugh, I have no idea what to do...

 

So let me get this straight...

 

Omits she has 2 kids until pressed by happenstance of you wanting to walk her back to her car.

2 kids by different guys

Handover of 1 kid at Cop shop because "he is crazy" ..lol. Yeah that makes a lot of sense. I'd like to see the custody order on that, being I doubt highly that taxpayers in the local municipality would be thrilled to know that some of their tax dollars are being spent in such a way. If Dad was so crazy and such a danger that handovers would be at the police station, then I submit that would mean that any visitation on his part would have to be fully supervised at all times by a 3rd party. That simply does not make any sense.

 

Young man, do yourself a favor and go find someone that not only does not have such baggage, but would have a plausible excuse for having such baggage.

 

Anyway, jst for the sake of argument, if indeed it is true that daddy is crazy, do you want to be involved in this low drama when you do meet the kids and then Crazy Daddy gets wind that Mommy has a new BF?

 

This is not even a red flag. It's a giant red Hindenburg hovering above Lakehurst, NJ just before an explosion of drama.

 

I'd be willing to Bet the Bears will Win the Superbowl before I'd bet her story is even close to honest. lol

[WonderKid]

This happened to me once. I went to meet the girl, we were walking. Out of nowhere she says she has two boys. I was like W..T..F. (Didn't say it out loud) I just wanted to turn and leave right there but I stayed with her and talked.

After hanging out she said "So what's up are we at least gonna be friends?" I said of course. But I wasn't willing to take it no further than that--she was cool though.

 

But in a short while, she stopped talking to me. After I left it alone, I checked her FB one time and saw a picture of an ultrasound. She was either pregnant when she talked to me, or gotten pregnant shortly after, who knows.

[xyz1234]

Hmm ok I don't understand why you would just like to keep everybody in your life in one way or another. Some people are toxic and you simply can't keep them even just as a friend..

Sounds like you want her to make the decision for you, to end this and remain your friend. So what if she doesn't want to remain your friend? Are you going to put up with her kids now just so you can have her in your life one way or another?

The fact that you are so afraid of confrontation/so scared of losing one "female friend" that you would rather put up with the kids with the rest of your life is even harder for me to understand.

 

Well, I don't want to keep EVERYBODY in my life one way or the other. If someone is truly toxic I'm fine with them being totally out of my life (ie. a girl I dated for a few months earlier in the year). It's just the ones that I actually like and enjoy being around that I want to continue to have in my life.

 

If she doesn't want to remain friends that will be a bit of a bummer but I'll get over it. I think part of me wants to stay friends because I do think we click really well together and if maybe a few years down the road I'm more open to dating someone with kids that could be a potential possibility.

 

And I don't really think that being someones friend really puts one in a position to need to "put up with her kids."

 

Why do you have an issue in dating a single mom????

 

I just don't think I'm at a stage in life yet where I'm ready for that kind of commitment. Part of my problem right now is that I've never experienced it, so it's tough to know exactly what to expect. But from what I hear it can be pretty tough. It seems like it's always just easier for a single guy to date a single girl and go from that sort of even playing field.

 

So let me get this straight...

 

Omits she has 2 kids until pressed by happenstance of you wanting to walk her back to her car.

2 kids by different guys

Handover of 1 kid at Cop shop because "he is crazy" ..lol. Yeah that makes a lot of sense. I'd like to see the custody order on that, being I doubt highly that taxpayers in the local municipality would be thrilled to know that some of their tax dollars are being spent in such a way. If Dad was so crazy and such a danger that handovers would be at the police station, then I submit that would mean that any visitation on his part would have to be fully supervised at all times by a 3rd party. That simply does not make any sense.

 

I agree, I was thinking the same thing. I do want to know more about that whole situation since I'm not sure if that's something that's court ordered or if she just does it because he has a history of being abusive toward her (she did mention that he was now that I think about it) and she is trying to be safe.

 

Young man, do yourself a favor and go find someone that not only does not have such baggage, but would have a plausible excuse for having such baggage.

 

Anyway, jst for the sake of argument, if indeed it is true that daddy is crazy, do you want to be involved in this low drama when you do meet the kids and then Crazy Daddy gets wind that Mommy has a new BF?

 

This is not even a red flag. It's a giant red Hindenburg hovering above Lakehurst, NJ just before an explosion of drama.

 

I'd be willing to Bet the Bears will Win the Superbowl before I'd bet her story is even close to honest. lol

 

I know, I'm continuing to date and will hopefully find someone with less baggage who I click with as well, if not better. As far as the crazy dad, they have been broken up for 2 years so I'm not sure how much he'd care about a new BF being in the picture. But, he is crazy so who knows.

 

As for whether her story is honest, she's told me some pretty messed up stuff about her past so it seems pretty honest. But on the other hand, I have wondered if she could be the crazy one in all of this. I've dated crazy before and that girl blamed all of her past relationship issues on her exes...

 

Are the kids supposed to be there? If so, I have been on so many of those dates. I can tell you exactly how it will go.

 

I'm not sure if her daughter is supposed to be there but I'm thinking she's not. Then again, the date will go through her bedtime so she would need to be staying somewhere else overnight... I dunno. I have no idea where she sends the kid when it's not normal daycare hours, but she goes on dates obviously so maybe she leaves her with her brother or something.

 

This happened to me once. I went to meet the girl, we were walking. Out of nowhere she says she has two boys. I was like W..T..F. (Didn't say it out loud) I just wanted to turn and leave right there but I stayed with her and talked.

After hanging out she said "So what's up are we at least gonna be friends?" I said of course. But I wasn't willing to take it no further than that--she was cool though.

 

But in a short while, she stopped talking to me. After I left it alone, I checked her FB one time and saw a picture of an ultrasound. She was either pregnant when she talked to me, or gotten pregnant shortly after, who knows.

 

Oh wow, that's pretty crazy. I can't understand how some women can be so cool with randomly having babies with guys they aren't in a committed long-term relationship with...

 

One thing that gave me pause about this girl was that at one point she mentioned that she'd have to be dating someone for a least a year before getting married (or maybe engaged, not sure which). That is a super short amount of time to me, and acting like you can know for sure that someone is right for you so quickly while still basically in the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship could be why she has two children from two guys that obviously weren't right for her. The fact that she apparently hasn't learned her lesson is pretty worrisome.

[Diezel]

You should just go over to her house and not even walk inside. Just tell her, and be honest and leave.

 

That or at least call her.

 

Do not walk into her house.

 

But the fact that you have so much doubt about this, PLEASE, just break if off ASAP.

[wb1988]

Withholding information in order to deceive is still lying, actually it's a form of fraud. I find that it's only liars that try to say the opposite in order to justify their lies. Also remember that if you accept it then you're telling her that it's okay to withhold information in order to deceive you.

Edited August 24, 2015 by wb1988

[xyz1234]

Withholding information in order to deceive is still lying, actually it's a form of fraud. I find that it's only liars that try to say the opposite in order to justify their lies. Also remember that if you accept it then you're telling her that it's okay to withhold information in order to deceive you.

 

I guess that's true. I kind of feel like the withholding information isn't quite as bad when it's basically to a stranger though, rather than to a person you actually have a relationship of some kind with. And it seems that she is no longer withholding information even to strangers, based on her changing her Tinder pic to one with her kid in it. She seems very honest when I ask her questions that she may not have an answer to that I want to hear.

[xyz1234]

So I ended up going to her place on Tuesday. I was pretty nervous about bringing up the fact that I'm concerned about dating a woman with children, but the conversation actually went about as well as I could have hoped. She was understanding and said that she doesn't expect me to be a father to her kids, and doesn't plan on having me meet them for a while, but would want for me to eventually be friendly with them.

 

She kind of explained her situation a little bit more and told me that it's obviously a decision I will have to make. I told her that I do like her and would like to have her in my life whether it's as a friend or more than that. She said she's not like other girls who get clingy and needy, and I'm not going to find another girl like her, haha. Later that night while texting she said that I seem like a great guy and that if things don't work out romantically that she'd want to be friends. I was happy with this, but we'll see what happens I guess.

 

I did get some more news on her situation with her exes. She was actually married to one of them. Got married as a late teenager to a guy in the military who was about to do a tour overseas. I think getting married and having a baby as a teen is nuts but when someone is going to be risking their life for their country I guess it makes sense in a way (and totally doesn't in another way...). She also explained that due to her growing up mostly in foster care and not having a real family, she really wanted to get married young and start a family. Anyway, he ended up not getting deployed, and stayed in the US but spent time in other states, and he apparently cheated on her with at least 3 women, so she filed for divorce. He's totally out of her life now, married to one of the women he cheated with, and she has full custody of their child.

 

I didn't get as much detail on the second baby daddy, but he's the one she shares custody of her other kid with, and the one who's "crazy." He cheated also and was emotionally abusive, and she left him within a week of him starting to get physically abusive. I asked why it is that they exchange the child at the police station, and she said that they used to do it at a parking lot, but they had some sort of disagreement one day and when they met to exchange the child they both got out of their cars to talk and he was screaming at her, and she couldn't see the child in his car. She said she put up with his screaming and was just saying "give me my child" and he wasn't obliging. The kid ended up being in the car, but not in the back seat like she was supposed to be, so she thought he had met with her without the child at first and was obviously off-put by it. I don't know, the whole story was pretty crazy and I may not have this all correct, but in the end they went to court over this and the judge ruled to have them meet at a police station to do the exchange and that neither of them are allowed to communicate over the phone, only by text messages. Pretty nuts. I also noticed that on her refrigerator she has a note written down with the phone number for harassment prevention. Not sure if that is for him or someone else...

 

Anyway, I guess I'm going to go with the flow a bit. I feel better that I explained how I feel and she seems fine with either being friends or more than friends (though it definitely seems like she would prefer to be more than friends). I'm honestly starting to reconsider whether I really want a comitted relationship with anyone right now anyway. I may bring that up to her also, I'm really pretty inexperienced dating wise and I'm kind of feeling like playing the field a bit and seeing what's out there.