Date hid the fact that she has kids

[Diezel]

She didn't "lie", she just didn't say anything outright from the beginning.

 

I have to hand it to her though, if I had seen her have kids on her profile, I wouldn't have cared for dating her, but that's just me personally so I can see why she would try to hold out on that information.

[BluEyeL]

The thing about bailing when someone doesn't meet all of your criteria is that you can miss out. I, for example, am/was not a dog person and my boyfriend has two dogs. Only liked dogs in pictures, didn't want them anywhere near me This, at some point, became somewhat of a problem in my relationship. I slowly came to accept and love the dogs now and I'm doing things with them I would have never dreamed of doing before (giving them baths, spending weeks taking care of them when he traveled for work etc). Dating someone with kids sounds scary if you over analyse, and it does come with challenges, but it could work out if the connection is strong enough.

[stillafool]

Honestly I would have been turned off as soon as she said she didn't mention she had kids because she was afraid no one would want her. Really? If you have kids you should be proud of them and let a date no straight away because if the guy has a problem with it he would not be someone I'd want to date anyway. She sounds completely desperate. I would wonder is a man more important to her than her kids.

[lino]

I don't think she lied but she should've mentioned it on first meeting I think.

 

Your decision to continue and don't let whatever people say influence your decision. Your hangups on possibly dating a single mum are warranted. Not all but a lot DO look for a daddy substitute.

 

None of her past problems are yours either. Her past is hers and yours is yours. Don't feel guilty about that.

[lino]

Honestly I would have been turned off as soon as she said she didn't mention she had kids because she was afraid no one would want her. Really? If you have kids you should be proud of them and let a date no straight away because if the guy has a problem with it he would not be someone I'd want to date anyway. She sounds completely desperate. I would wonder is a man more important to her than her kids.

 

This is how I feel a bit.

 

Her concerns are valid but at the end of the day, someone else's kids are a huuuuge deal.

 

If she's wanting to date men without kids she has to face the fact many will be turned off. Men are rejected for having a not good enough car often and that is one millionth less important than kids.

[Walters]

Its been awhile since I meet people online (maybe 10 years?) but when I did you use to have a conversation online before meeting. In this conversation you would get out deal-breakers like this... Is it normal to just meet somebody right away now without having at least 1 conversation over email/IM to at least rule out up front deal-breakers?

 

Anyhow if its a deal breaker for you, you know what to do. If its not I would not over think this and just let her know that you wish she be more up front with you and continue on.

 

I personally don't like kids because you will forever have to deal with the father. This means potential drama and I really hate drama.

[Toodaloo]

Sorry but I would feel very uncomfortable with this.

 

As someone else said she should be proud of her kids not blaming them for holding her back in dating...

 

Quite frankly this for me would be a massive danger sign and I would walk.

 

This attitude is screaming the following to me, possibly very selfish, possibly very immature and blames others for own actions, possible princess complex, possibly a bad mother if she can't be proud and talk about them, possibly tells lies regularly, possibly hiding other things... in fact my brain is screaming no no no...

 

For goodness sake I talk about my dogs all the time. Its obvious I have dogs. Its obvious that they come as part of the "package".

 

No parent should ever be ashamed of the fact that they are a parent.

[xcupid]

It's a package deal - you date her and the kids will be part of her life. You have to decide whether you want a ready-made family at this stage of your life if things were to progress further.

 

 

If you can't get past thinking she lied then what's the point in pursuing her? Besides, at this point you don't even know if you're compatible with her.

[xyz1234]

You def need more info on this situation. Do the kids have the same father or not is important too.

 

Yeah I agree. I kind of failed at getting ALL of the info during our date today. I did get some though. I just didn't want it to feel like I was interrogating her asking a million questions about her kids all at once; I wanted to have some fun too.

 

She said that she was with the father of the 3 year old for 2.5 years, so that means the 8 year old has a different father. Not ideal... The 3 years olds' father has partial custody it seems, and she told me that when they give her over to one another they do it at the police station "because he's crazy." I'm not sure if that's something that's required by law due to a restraining order type situation or if she's just doing it to be safe, but either way, not a good situation.

 

She said the 8 year old has been with her aunt in Florida the past couple months. I should have but I didn't ask why. She said the father of that one is not in the picture and she's visiting at the end of the month.

 

That's not too cool if the person does not tell you that they have kids or not, no matter how it is you meet them. It would give me pause as well. Hopefully you may like each other enough that it doesn't matter to you. But it's disconcerting to say the least. If she's a good person and you like her enough, it should not matter.

 

Yeah... I wish I could say it doesn't matter to me. I'm honestly worried I may REALLY start to like her and that it will matter, and I'll have to think hard about ending something that could be great. I really hate going into something knowing that there's something about someone that may end up being a complete deal breaker to me, and not being sure about that.

 

I read an article online that some of you have probably seen about how if you go on a few dates with someone and can't say "f**k yes" about wanting to keep seeing them you should end it. There's no way I can say "f**k yes" right now, but I'm pretty sure that if it weren't for her having kids I would be saying that. She's gorgeous and we have a lot in common. Ahhh, I'm stressing haha. I tend to overthink things when dating someone new, and start thinking way into the future.

 

*this next part is very important, probably warrants it's own thread...

 

I guess the reason is that I'm trying to avoid a situation where I mutually fall hard for someone and then need to eventually make the heartbreaking decision of ending the relationship due to some deal breaker I saw from the start. This is my biggest fear in dating.

 

...It would start the whole thing on such a bad foot.. I wouldn't particularly want to date someone with kids but if I knew it from the start and could decide to go out with them or not then I'd be more likely to give it a shot. To purposefully omit any mention of them shows a level of slyness I just couldn't get past.

 

I'm honestly not that concerned about the slyness. She seems like a genuine person and I think she just made a mistake at the very beginning of her online dating experience. And it seems like she realized that it was not the way to go about it and added the pic with her kid as her main profile pic.

 

It's definitely a legitimate thing to want to learn more before you bail. And really nice of you for being forgiving and giving it another date to see what the situation is like and what kind of person she really is, despite the deception.

 

If I were talking to her, since I'm also a single mom, I'd tell her to mention the kids right away. Yes, indeed, it seems that being upfront will limit pretty significantly the number of dates you get. But, in my own experience, it's not going to be that bad at all. You'll still get dates. Plus, you'll get dates with men that are open to dating women with children, which in turn makes them better matches for you. Make her understand that getting dates that go nowhere is just a waste of hers and everyone else's time. Unless all she wants is casual hook ups. Then it doesn't matter if she has kids or not.

 

Yeah, I agree with all of this. I haven't asked what she's looking for exactly but things are pointing to her wanting a more serious relationship. She said she hasn't been in a relationship in two years, which I assume means that she likes being in a relationship and is looking for one. And today was kind of romantic (she invited me to spend the day out by a lake, it was nice) and we didn't have sex even though it's three dates in, so if she wanted just a hookup it would have already happened. She also asked me to hang out again tomorrow, and I told her I wasn't sure if I could yet. I feel like that would just be getting in deeper too soon and things would be moving a bit too fast. On the second date, before I knew about the kids, she asked if I'd like to go to a fair with her that's in 3 weeks. I basically already said I'd go, so I feel kind of committed to that. And that makes this all tougher... I don't know if I want to just be friends by that point or what. I'm VERY attracted to her, which makes this all even harder

[xyz1234]

Personally I wouldn't get too hung up on her "lying" about the kids. Did I hear she has since change her a/c to show she has kids? Maybe she just didn't really think it through before. I can see why she might want to not mention it.

 

The important thing for you is - can you handle her having kids?

 

You need to be honest with yourself here. And you should not date her out of some sense of pity. That's a recipe for disaster.

 

Dating a woman with kids is possible, but it definitely adds complications and you should not underestimate them.

 

Yup, you have that right about her changing her profile picture to one with her and her kid, which puts my mind at ease over the whole "deception" thing.

 

But yeah, I honestly have no idea yet if I can handle that she has kids. I've never been in the situation before. What's tough is my dad has told me in the past not to date a woman with children. Pretty harsh but I always thought it was decent advice. I feel like part of my concern is being judged by family and friends for it. I had a thought pop in my head today that if it weren't for worrying about being judges it may not be an issue for me. I like to think that as I get older I care less about what others think but that fact is, I still do care to some degree.

 

The thing about bailing when someone doesn't meet all of your criteria is that you can miss out. I, for example, am/was not a dog person and my boyfriend has two dogs. Only liked dogs in pictures, didn't want them anywhere near me This, at some point, became somewhat of a problem in my relationship. I slowly came to accept and love the dogs now and I'm doing things with them I would have never dreamed of doing before (giving them baths, spending weeks taking care of them when he traveled for work etc). Dating someone with kids sounds scary if you over analyse, and it does come with challenges, but it could work out if the connection is strong enough.

 

That's true, and I definitely do over analyze...

 

Her concerns are valid but at the end of the day, someone else's kids are a huuuuge deal.

 

If she's wanting to date men without kids she has to face the fact many will be turned off. Men are rejected for having a not good enough car often and that is one millionth less important than kids.

 

Yeah seriously, I get rejected for living with my parents all the time, even though in my situation I think it's warranted and my plan is to move out very soon. My situation is very temporary, while having kids is not at all.

 

Its been awhile since I meet people online (maybe 10 years?) but when I did you use to have a conversation online before meeting. In this conversation you would get out deal-breakers like this... Is it normal to just meet somebody right away now without having at least 1 conversation over email/IM to at least rule out up front deal-breakers?

 

Anyhow if its a deal breaker for you, you know what to do. If its not I would not over think this and just let her know that you wish she be more up front with you and continue on.

 

I personally don't like kids because you will forever have to deal with the father. This means potential drama and I really hate drama.

 

Oh we totally did talk online for a week or so before meeting. I just didn't think to ask if she had kids (I never have and have never dated someone who had kids).

 

This is very true about dealing with the father, and at least one of them is apparently "crazy."

 

...No parent should ever be ashamed of the fact that they are a parent.

 

I don't think she is actually. I think it was a mistake she made when she first started online dating and now she's corrected it. She talked about her kids a good amount today and has pictures of them all over her house.

[h0000]

She has kids with two different guys. I'd run fast and far. This will be a huge baggage and challenge for you. It probably also says a lot about what kind of person she is and what kind of judgments/life decisions she makes (not a good kind,btw).

[Toodaloo]

From a womans perspective...

 

If I met a man who had children before 30 by two different mothers. One mother had run off and the other had to be met at a Police station to exchange the child because they are "crazy"...

 

Hell no.

 

Sorry but to invite this woman in is to invite a whole heap of crazy into your life.

 

That coupled with the fact she has blamed the children for her lack of dates, initially hidden them until it was pointed out she should be ok with them...

 

No no no. This is SCREAMING RUN to me...

 

This woman hasn't just made a mistake. She is continually making really bad life choices for both her and her children. Do you really want "Crazy Ex" banging on the door when he discovers your about?

 

Keep your nose in tact and move on.

[GunslingerRoland]

Sounds like she has a ton of baggage, but she may have matured and be making better decisions now?

 

These days 28 is pretty young to have kids, so I'm not surprised you don't have many friends with kids, and even when they do start having kids, those kids will be 5-10 years younger than these kids. If you were to get serious and take them on (I know I'm jumping way ahead here) they would never really fit into your social circle in that way.

 

I know my wife and I had kids at the same time as almost all of our other friends. And it's really nice having so many other kids for ours to play with (largely because we live in an area with few kids, and neither of us have any young family in town).

[keebee]

Hmm. Read whole thread, my 2 cents as a single mother...

 

I have that I'm a single mother in my dating profiles. I don't go on and on about it--just put that I'm a single mom, writer, etc. etc. whatever. I'm only 27 and my daughter is 5, so I know I'm pretty far ahead of most other people when it comes to thinking about parenthood--knowing that kids are a dealbreaker for some dudes, I'm definitely going to put that info up front and center.

 

I'd proceed w/ caution if I were you (if you decide to proceed at all). It's hard to "hide" having kids. I don't introduce my daughter to any guy in my life before 6 months of exclusive dating (which hasn't happened yet) BUT she is such a major part of my life that I do talk about her.

 

Like others said, maybe she is just new to dating and she slipped up. Not good if she hid it because, (and I think I'm paraphrasing from your first post), putting that she has kids would rule out most of her potential matches. It doesn't speak highly to her self-esteem or priorities. Personally, if me having a child rules me out in some guys' minds (or lots of guys' minds), that's fine with me--I've no interest in trying to convince a dude to take a chance on me as a single mom, it's an uphill battle for all parties involved.

 

What has communication been like with her in the last few days? Where are your thoughts re: her and dating her?

[usernametaken]

She has two kids with different dads - one who is so crazy that she has to meet him at the police station for custody swaps. And one of her children has been in Florida for "a couple of months" and she's "going to visit her" soon? Does she even have custody of that child?

 

These are huge, HUGE red flags (much bigger than not indicating she had kids at the outset, IMHO) that point to a pattern of poor decision making. It sounds like she may invite drama into her life.

 

Sure, there's a chance she might have grown up since then, but do you really want to be the test case? I'd get out now unless you can see definite proof that she's gotten her life together.

 

Oh, and if you sleep with her, definitely use protection. She's fertile...

[Toodaloo]

Hmm. Read whole thread, my 2 cents as a single mother...

 

I have that I'm a single mother in my dating profiles. I don't go on and on about it--just put that I'm a single mom, writer, etc. etc. whatever. I'm only 27 and my daughter is 5, so I know I'm pretty far ahead of most other people when it comes to thinking about parenthood--knowing that kids are a dealbreaker for some dudes, I'm definitely going to put that info up front and center.

 

I'd proceed w/ caution if I were you (if you decide to proceed at all). It's hard to "hide" having kids. I don't introduce my daughter to any guy in my life before 6 months of exclusive dating (which hasn't happened yet) BUT she is such a major part of my life that I do talk about her.

 

Like others said, maybe she is just new to dating and she slipped up. Not good if she hid it because, (and I think I'm paraphrasing from your first post), putting that she has kids would rule out most of her potential matches. It doesn't speak highly to her self-esteem or priorities. Personally, if me having a child rules me out in some guys' minds (or lots of guys' minds), that's fine with me--I've no interest in trying to convince a dude to take a chance on me as a single mom, it's an uphill battle for all parties involved.

 

What has communication been like with her in the last few days? Where are your thoughts re: her and dating her?

 

I just want to highlight this post because this is how sane and rational single parents behave...

 

Can you see the difference in attitude between this poster and your lass on line?

[kendahke]

Yeah, OP, if you can't do kids, then don't do kids. Leave the single moms alone--find out on the first meeting if they're single moms and decide from there how deep or shallow your involvement with them is going to be.

 

I don't date men with a bunch of children, especially if they've yet to graduate high school. They just need to focus on raising their children, IMO. It's what I did when I had a young one. She's 31 and been out of the house for a while now--I prefer the same with whomever I'm seeing.

[stillafool]

 

I have that I'm a single mother in my dating profiles. I don't go on and on about it--just put that I'm a single mom, writer, etc. etc. whatever. I'm only 27 and my daughter is 5, so I know I'm pretty far ahead of most other people when it comes to thinking about parenthood--knowing that kids are a dealbreaker for some dudes, I'm definitely going to put that info up front and center.

 

I'd proceed w/ caution if I were you (if you decide to proceed at all). It's hard to "hide" having kids. I don't introduce my daughter to any guy in my life before 6 months of exclusive dating (which hasn't happened yet) BUT she is such a major part of my life that I do talk about her.

 

 

 

^^^^THIS^^^^

 

The above is a statement from a GOOD MOTHER!

 

The woman you are dating sounds scattered. Her 3 year old has to be picked up at a police station because she has a crazy father. Um, do you want to deal with Mr. Crazy? I didn't think so.

 

Her other child is staying with her aunt. Is she staying there permanently or is she coming back. Why is she staying with her aunt?

 

You said you don't want to start dating someone with a dealbreaker that may make you want to end it later. It's simple - don't get involved with this woman. For one thing she may end up pregnant because she doesn't make good decisions. Also break it off now before you have sex with her and she will say you used her. Just break it off. There are plenty of single and free women out there to date, why her?

[Diezel]

Run from this woman.

 

I would have and this thread would have been been created.

[BluEyeL]

Oh, OP, it really doesn't sound good. I think you should let her go. I'm sorry for her, but it would be too much to handle.

 

It's not just that she has two kids, but the situation with the exes sounds like it's going to give a lot of drama on the long term.For dating maybe not that much, but if you end up marrying...it's going to become a problem. It's hard as it is to date someone with kids, when exes are normal, but if they are nuts and two of them...ugh! Not a good success predictor. I kinda get why she would hide things, but she shouldn't.

[Lois_Griffin]

She said that she was with the father of the 3 year old for 2.5 years, so that means the 8 year old has a different father. Not ideal... The 3 years olds' father has partial custody it seems, and she told me that when they give her over to one another they do it at the police station "because he's crazy."

 

She said the 8 year old has been with her aunt in Florida the past couple months. I should have but I didn't ask why. She said the father of that one is not in the picture and she's visiting at the end of the month.

Oh good lord.

 

I can't stress enough how FAST - and how FAR - you need to run.

 

About the ONLY thing missing in this whole scenario is that she lives in a single-wide.

 

Ummm...does she live in a single-wide?

[usernametaken]

Oh good lord.

 

I can't stress enough how FAST - and how FAR - you need to run.

 

About the ONLY thing missing in this whole scenario is that she lives in a single-wide.

 

Ummm...does she live in a single-wide?

 

Haha. That, a felony conviction, and a meth addiction.

[gaius]

You're making a lot of assumptions right off the bat xyz. About you being forced into a father role. That she somehow needs you to help take care of her kids after doing it herself all this time. If you two date long enough you're probably eventually going to have to play some role in their life but that doesn't mean they don't already have a dad that's playing that one. And questions about whether she wants more children in the future with you is a subject every couple has to figure out, one partner being a parent already or not.

 

I would reccommend at least going on a few more dates and learning more about her and her situation. Because right now your reason to reject her is based on an idea that's really not always true. Probably not even most of the time. And you might end up passing on someone genuinely amazing for no reason.

[xyz1234]

She has kids with two different guys. I'd run fast and far. This will be a huge baggage and challenge for you. It probably also says a lot about what kind of person she is and what kind of judgments/life decisions she makes (not a good kind,btw).

 

Yeah, I hear you. It's just, she seems so sweet and... sane. I know it's early so I have a small sample size but still. I'm assuming it was her rough childhood that led to some crazy judgements/life decisions. I just realized I hadn't mentioned this...

 

On the first date (I know, this is a red flag that she'd tell me this so early) she told me her mother committed suicide when she was 10. At some point after that her father remarried and her step-mom didn't like her, so she was shipped out to foster care and her brothers stayed with her dad and step-mom. She's bounced around from place to place for a long time, and has also endured a lot of family tragedy since then.

 

I know that none of these things are good signs but I like to judge a person by who they are NOW and not their past. This is probably because I feel that I could be somewhat unfairly judged based on my past. OkCupid has a question that it asks users that's something along the lines of "would you date someone who was a virgin at 25?" I was a virgin and didn't have anything close to a serious relationship until I was 27. This may be apples and oranges but it kind of sucks knowing that your past will always follow you and you will always be judged for it, so I try not to do that to others.

 

Sounds like she has a ton of baggage, but she may have matured and be making better decisions now?

 

Yeah, that's what I'm hoping.

 

She has two kids with different dads - one who is so crazy that she has to meet him at the police station for custody swaps. And one of her children has been in Florida for "a couple of months" and she's "going to visit her" soon? Does she even have custody of that child?

 

These are huge, HUGE red flags (much bigger than not indicating she had kids at the outset, IMHO) that point to a pattern of poor decision making. It sounds like she may invite drama into her life.

 

Sure, there's a chance she might have grown up since then, but do you really want to be the test case? I'd get out now unless you can see definite proof that she's gotten her life together.

 

Oh, and if you sleep with her, definitely use protection. She's fertile...

 

All good points. I'm not sure if she has custody of the child in Florida, I didn't want to ask too many questions about it all at once. But yeah, you're right about the history of poor decision making. It's really impossible to tell for sure yet if she's definitely gotten her life together.

 

It's hard as it is to date someone with kids, when exes are normal, but if they are nuts and two of them...ugh! Not a good success predictor. I kinda get why she would hide things, but she shouldn't.

 

Yeah, I mean, I kind of want to ask more about the exes. The whole exchanging their child at the police station thing is definitely a bad sign, but I don't know what kind of behavior he's actually demonstrated for that to be the case.

 

Oh good lord.

 

I can't stress enough how FAST - and how FAR - you need to run.

 

About the ONLY thing missing in this whole scenario is that she lives in a single-wide.

 

Ummm...does she live in a single-wide?

 

Well, she doesn't live in a trailer. I don't know much about low-income housing but it may be that sort of deal? It's a small, one floor house with what seemed to be 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom. And there are many others that have the exact same design on her road... so I'm thinking that may be the case.

 

You're making a lot of assumptions right off the bat xyz. About you being forced into a father role. That she somehow needs you to help take care of her kids after doing it herself all this time. If you two date long enough you're probably eventually going to have to play some role in their life but that doesn't mean they don't already have a dad that's playing that one. And questions about whether she wants more children in the future with you is a subject every couple has to figure out, one partner being a parent already or not.

 

I would reccommend at least going on a few more dates and learning more about her and her situation. Because right now your reason to reject her is based on an idea that's really not always true. Probably not even most of the time. And you might end up passing on someone genuinely amazing for no reason.

 

Yeah... I hear you. I guess one thing that bothers me about it is... it's just not the situation you envision for your life, you know? I kind of always imagined living the "normal" life of meeting someone with no kids, dating for a while, getting married, having kids, yada yada. Skipping all of those steps and dating someone who already has kids is just... not what I had planned. It's a weird feeling knowing that dating someone in a certain situation could completely change the way you envisioned your future life.

[xyz1234]

Like others said, maybe she is just new to dating and she slipped up. Not good if she hid it because, (and I think I'm paraphrasing from your first post), putting that she has kids would rule out most of her potential matches. It doesn't speak highly to her self-esteem or priorities. Personally, if me having a child rules me out in some guys' minds (or lots of guys' minds), that's fine with me--I've no interest in trying to convince a dude to take a chance on me as a single mom, it's an uphill battle for all parties involved.

 

What has communication been like with her in the last few days? Where are your thoughts re: her and dating her?

 

Yeah, I agree, it sounds like you are doing things the right way. But yeah, I think she realized that she slipped up and is correcting it.

 

She has told me she's not big on texting so communication the last few days has basically just been us hanging out by the lake yesterday. My thoughts on her and dating her are basically that if it weren't for the kids I'd date her in a heartbeat. I'm very attracted, we have a lot in common... she really seems to be my type. Which makes this all the more of a bummer to have to be thinking about ending it.

 

What's tough now is on date #2, before I knew about the kids, I basically committed to going to a fair with her in a few weeks. This fair is her favorite event of the year, and it coincides with her birthday week. Yesterday while we were together she talked about it and I implied that I was still going to go. She actually wanted me to go with her to a costume shop today to buy a costume to wear to it, but I told her I wasn't sure I could since I need to get ready for my vacation today and have some things I need to get done (I'm leaving for a few days tomorrow).

 

It's just hard. I don't want to back out of going to the fair with her, but that's three weeks away and I feel like I need to talk to her about my concern with this whole situation. I have no idea what to say though. I could tell her that I'd like to be friends for now and see where things go but... like I said I'm very attracted to her. Now that we've been somewhat intimate together (not sex but making out and handsy stuff) it's going to be that much harder to resist.