Date hid the fact that she has kids

[xyz1234]

Looks like I've managed to get myself into yet another messed up situation. I recently met a girl on Tinder and had two pretty great dates. I'm definitely attracted to her and we have a good amount in common.

 

So at the end of the second date on Wednesday I offer to walk her back to her car. She suddenly gets really awkward, and at first I thought she was going to tell me something like "I like you, but I don't think I like you in that way." Nope. She told me that she parked as far away as she did because she didn't want me to see the car seats in her back seat... She has two kids; an 8 year old and a 3 year old.

 

She apologized and told me she didn't expect to actually meet someone she likes on Tinder, and knew that if she mentioned in her profile that she has kids that that would eliminate most of her prospects. I was pretty shocked and didn't really know what to say. We had already planned to hang out on Monday, and I ended up telling her I'd need to do some thinking about the whole situation. I felt bad and awkward and ended up telling her that I do like her and we kissed a little bit, and said goodbye.

 

I texted her last night just to chat but I haven't come to a decision yet. This morning I was on Tinder again (I'm addicted to swiping) and she popped up, so apparently she had unmatched with me or closed and reopened her account. It showed that she was last online 17 hours prior, which was before our text conversation last night, so I don't think she meant anything by unmatching with me, besides maybe to change her main profile pic to one of her with her kids without me seeing it. I assume she changed the pic because felt bad about not being more upfront with me about it and doesn't want to put herself in that situation again.

 

Anyway, this situation kind of sucks, haha. I'm 28 and she is almost 28, so having kids (or dating someone who does) at this age isn't entirely unreasonable, but I've really never considered it an option. I mean, I only had my first serious relationship last year, I have zero friends who have kids, etc. There is a lot that comes along with it that I don't think I'm ready for. I do like kids, but to suddenly be a father figure to one? What if things get serious and I want to raise my own kids from birth some day and she doesn't?

 

I feel bad about her situation too. She told me she hasn't been in a relationship in two years, and it sounded like she thinks it's because she has kids. She's a beautiful girl so that's probably true. It's gotta suck knowing that because her relationship failed with the father(s?) of her children that lots of guys don't want to be in a relationship with her. She seems to be a great girl even though she has gone through hard times and a really tough childhood.

 

Another problem I have with it that probably sounds dumb is that I think if I were to get into a relationship with her I'd feel like I was the "nice guy" that she settled for because of her limited options due to having kids. I've seen situations where a woman who is clearly out of a guys league dates/marries him seemingly just to have someone to help care for her children. And I've always felt bad for that guy. I really don't think she's out of my league but I just have that sense that girls who have kids do this sort of thing, and I don't want to be the guy that anyone "settled for" after things failed with the type of guy they are really into.

 

Ugh, I have no idea what to do...

[usernametaken]

Looks like I've managed to get myself into yet another messed up situation. I recently met a girl on Tinder and had two pretty great dates. I'm definitely attracted to her and we have a good amount in common.

 

So at the end of the second date on Wednesday I offer to walk her back to her car. She suddenly gets really awkward, and at first I thought she was going to tell me something like "I like you, but I don't think I like you in that way." Nope. She told me that she parked as far away as she did because she didn't want me to see the car seats in her back seat... She has two kids; an 8 year old and a 3 year old.

 

She apologized and told me she didn't expect to actually meet someone she likes on Tinder, and knew that if she mentioned in her profile that she has kids that that would eliminate most of her prospects. I was pretty shocked and didn't really know what to say. We had already planned to hang out on Monday, and I ended up telling her I'd need to do some thinking about the whole situation. I felt bad and awkward and ended up telling her that I do like her and we kissed a little bit, and said goodbye.

 

I texted her last night just to chat but I haven't come to a decision yet. This morning I was on Tinder again (I'm addicted to swiping) and she popped up, so apparently she had unmatched with me or closed and reopened her account. It showed that she was last online 17 hours prior, which was before our text conversation last night, so I don't think she meant anything by unmatching with me, besides maybe to change her main profile pic to one of her with her kids without me seeing it. I assume she changed the pic because felt bad about not being more upfront with me about it and doesn't want to put herself in that situation again.

 

Anyway, this situation kind of sucks, haha. I'm 28 and she is almost 28, so having kids (or dating someone who does) at this age isn't entirely unreasonable, but I've really never considered it an option. I mean, I only had my first serious relationship last year, I have zero friends who have kids, etc. There is a lot that comes along with it that I don't think I'm ready for. I do like kids, but to suddenly be a father figure to one? What if things get serious and I want to raise my own kids from birth some day and she doesn't?

 

I feel bad about her situation too. She told me she hasn't been in a relationship in two years, and it sounded like she thinks it's because she has kids. She's a beautiful girl so that's probably true. It's gotta suck knowing that because her relationship failed with the father(s?) of her children that lots of guys don't want to be in a relationship with her. She seems to be a great girl even though she has gone through hard times and a really tough childhood.

 

Another problem I have with it that probably sounds dumb is that I think if I were to get into a relationship with her I'd feel like I was the "nice guy" that she settled for because of her limited options due to having kids. I've seen situations where a woman who is clearly out of a guys league dates/marries him seemingly just to have someone to help care for her children. And I've always felt bad for that guy. I really don't think she's out of my league but I just have that sense that girls who have kids do this sort of thing, and I don't want to be the guy that anyone "settled for" after things failed with the type of guy they are really into.

 

Ugh, I have no idea what to do...

 

I feel for the girl, I do. If she's new to OLD, I get why she would feel inclined to hide that she has kids, but it's never a good idea to outright lie. I think it's a good sign that she's owned up to the mistake and that it was just done out of anxiety at having few prospects because she has kids.

 

Whether you are willing or able to date a woman with kids is a different issue, and one that you don't necessarily have to be dead-set on. If you like this woman, be honest with her - let her know you were disappointed that she had hid that from you, and that you're not sure how you feel yet about dating someone with kids. Take it one day at a time.

 

I think it's too soon to worry about being a "father figure" to her kids - and if she's trying to get that out of you ANY time soon, that's reason enough to bail. Honestly, you shouldn't even meet her kids until MANY months of being exclusive.

 

But, that's all putting the cart before the horse - as is the issue of more biological kids. If I were you, I would just play it very casual, if you're still interested at all.

 

As to your other point - FWIW, I never felt that my status as a mom impacted my ability to get dates online at all. I'm mid-30s, though, and my target dating audience was a bit older and often had kids, too. I wouldn't worry too much about her "settling" for you to find a father figure for her kids - and if that's what she's about, you'll probably be able to tell.

 

TL;DR - a forgivable deceit since she's owned up; it's ok not to want to date someone with kids; if you like her, date her a few more times and decide if a woman with kids is OK by you.

[angel.eyes]

Lying at the outset of dating is a poor foundation on which to build anything. She only confessed when you figuring it out on your own became imminent. Then she tried to justify it by saying she would have no dating options otherwise. So lying apparently is okay when it furthers her interests? Also her rationale is untrue. Single mothers who are open about having kids do in fact date.

 

I take early red flags (dishonesty would be one) very seriously. For me, her choice to deceive me out the gate would be a clear deal breaker. Everyone has deal breakers. What are yours?

Edited August 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OP request ~T

[RoseVille]

Unless you asked her if she had kids or she told you during your conversations that she didn't, she didn't lie, even by omission. Unlike Match, OKC, and other OLD sites, Tinder doesn't have a section where you indicate if you have kids or not, it's a blank narrative for you to put whatever you want.

 

If it mattered to you, you should have asked.

[usernametaken]

Unless you asked her if she had kids or she told you during your conversations that she didn't, she didn't lie, even by omission. Unlike Match, OKC, and other OLD sites, Tinder doesn't have a section where you indicate if you have kids or not, it's a blank narrative for you to put whatever you want.

 

If it mattered to you, you should have asked.

 

Yeah, but it's sort of a big thing to NOT mention, y'know? I can see not putting kid pics on Tinder, but maybe drop it into a conversation. I would find it pretty hard to exchange any length of "about me" texts without eventually mentioning that I have kids.

[RoseVille]

Yeah, but it's sort of a big thing to NOT mention, y'know? I can see not putting kid pics on Tinder, but maybe drop it into a conversation. I would find it pretty hard to exchange any length of "about me" texts without eventually mentioning that I have kids.

 

Depends on what they talk about, what's asked, etc. If it doesn't come up organically, then it would come across as some big announcement she felt she had to make... which is kinda silly.

[angel.eyes]

Exactly! Her behavior also highlights that she knew she was wrong to withhold the information.

 

FWIW, the OLD site I used, listed you as having kids only if you had primary custody. EVERY divorced dad made a point of telling me in our first exchange that he did in fact have kids, the number, and how often he had them.

[Gary S]

Many women hide the fact that they have kids, and they should........they are their childrens' protector.

[angel.eyes]

No one is suggesting she list names. But whether you have a nine-month old or three teenagers is entirely relevant to state up front.

[GorillaTheater]

Ugh, I have no idea what to do...

 

Meh, give her a chance. The finest woman I know is a mom.

[RoseVille]

No one is suggesting she list names. But whether you have a nine-month old or three teenagers is entirely relevant to state up front.

 

Not on Tinder. It's kinda irrelevant.

[Philosopher]

I personally do not think it is a red flag that she did not mention she had kids on Tinder, especially given that Tinder has no section to specify whether you have kids. She did tell you on the second date she had kids, so I think she told you reasonably quickly. If she had hid the fact she had kids until after you had been dating for a month then it would be an issue, but after two dates, no.

 

I think the decision is very much up to you and whether you are comfortable being a father figure to these kids if the dating goes well.

[Gary S]

I personally do not think it is a red flag that she did not mention she had kids on Tinder, especially given that Tinder has no section to specify whether you have kids. She did tell you on the second date she had kids, so I think she told you reasonably quickly. If she had hid the fact she had kids until after you had been dating for a month then it would be an issue, but after two dates, no.

 

I think the decision is very much up to you and whether you are comfortable being a father figure to these kids if the dating goes well.

 

- Exactly. She did tell him she has kids.

[smackie9]

If I went on a date, one of the first things I would ask is "so have you been married? any kids?"

If I were single today, I would take a person's profile with a grain of salt because not everyone is going to spill out details about their personal life on the net. Me personally wouldn't reveal too much either.

 

Like I always say never "assume".

[GravityMan]

This is a nonissue. She did not lie. OP, either you're okay with this or you're not. If you like her and want to keep seeing her, then do so. Otherwise, politely end it and move on, instead of wasting her (and your) time. The choice is yours.

 

Do not drag this on or dwell on it. Make a decision ASAP and then get over it.

[JewelD]

That's definitely a red flag. and dumb on her part. I get that she thinks people won't like her because she has kids, but what she is essentially doing is trying to reel people in with the hopes that they'll like her enough to not care when she makes the big reveal.

 

I mean, if you have pets, that usually comes up fairly early. I tell people I have a dog because some people don't like them or are allergic. Why waste our time if that's a deal breaker?

 

and no, it's not the responsibility to ask every question on the first date. I mean, you wouldn't ask if someone was on parole, had an infectious disease, was unemployed, or any of the other things that might be a deal breaker for anybody. You expect them to tell you the basic important details about them, and kids is definitely one of those things.

 

You should decide if you like her or not and if you're okay with possibly becoming a part of her kids' life at some point. If she's just desperate for anyone who doesn't mind her having kids, it will become fairly obvious on its own.

[xyz1234]

I feel for the girl, I do. If she's new to OLD, I get why she would feel inclined to hide that she has kids, but it's never a good idea to outright lie. I think it's a good sign that she's owned up to the mistake and that it was just done out of anxiety at having few prospects because she has kids.

 

Whether you are willing or able to date a woman with kids is a different issue, and one that you don't necessarily have to be dead-set on. If you like this woman, be honest with her - let her know you were disappointed that she had hid that from you, and that you're not sure how you feel yet about dating someone with kids. Take it one day at a time.

 

I think it's too soon to worry about being a "father figure" to her kids - and if she's trying to get that out of you ANY time soon, that's reason enough to bail. Honestly, you shouldn't even meet her kids until MANY months of being exclusive.

 

But, that's all putting the cart before the horse - as is the issue of more biological kids. If I were you, I would just play it very casual, if you're still interested at all.

 

As to your other point - FWIW, I never felt that my status as a mom impacted my ability to get dates online at all. I'm mid-30s, though, and my target dating audience was a bit older and often had kids, too. I wouldn't worry too much about her "settling" for you to find a father figure for her kids - and if that's what she's about, you'll probably be able to tell.

 

TL;DR - a forgivable deceit since she's owned up; it's ok not to want to date someone with kids; if you like her, date her a few more times and decide if a woman with kids is OK by you.

 

It does sound like she's new to OLD. And no, she didn't actually outright lie. She just didn't put up pictures of her with her kids on Tinder, didn't write anything in her profile, and didn't mention it on either of the first two dates until it was looking like I was going to find out. Kind of deceptive, but I wouldn't call it a lie.

 

Also, it seems like she feels bad about it. I was on Tinder again the following day swiping (I'm addicted to that damn app haha) and she popped up. Kind of odd... she must have unmatched with me or something. She had changed her main pic though, and it now showed a pic of her with her daughter. Her profile still didn't say she's a mom but it at least invites the question of "is that your daughter?"

 

Yeah, you're right, I probably am putting the cart before the horse. It's good to hear that dating as a single mom isn't difficult for you. She's in the beginning stages of it so maybe that's why she feels there's a stigma or something. Now that I think about it, she's very attractive and even if she did outright say on her dating profile that she has kids she'd probably still land more dates than me easily, haha.

 

Lying at the outset of dating is a poor foundation on which to build anything. She only confessed when you figuring it out on your own became imminent. Then she tried to justify it by saying she would have no dating options otherwise. So lying apparently is okay when it furthers her interests? Also her rationale is untrue. Single mothers who are open about having kids do in fact date.

 

I take early red flags (dishonesty would be one) very seriously. For me, her choice to deceive me out the gate would be a clear deal breaker. Everyone has deal breakers. What are yours?

 

Yeah, I mean, she didn't technically lie but was deceptive about it. I don't think it necessarily means she's a liar or that I'd have to worry about her cheating and whatnot. She seems like a sweet girl so I want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

I'm a little guilty of something similar too. I live with my parents at the moment while looking for a place to buy and I've had times where I didn't bring it up until the first date. I never go past a first date without mentioning it, but sometimes I feel like I deserve to have a person judge me for it in real life instead of over the internet. I mean, I feel that when talking with me in person it's pretty clear that I'm not the stereotypical basement dwelling loser you see on TV, etc, and I want to at least get the chance to show that. But who knows, maybe this makes monster haha. I actually told this girl on the first date, and she kind of put her head down and laughed for a little while. I didn't think I'd be getting a second date at that point haha, but I explained the situation and she seemed cool with it.

 

Unless you asked her if she had kids or she told you during your conversations that she didn't, she didn't lie, even by omission. Unlike Match, OKC, and other OLD sites, Tinder doesn't have a section where you indicate if you have kids or not, it's a blank narrative for you to put whatever you want.

 

If it mattered to you, you should have asked.

 

If I went on a date, one of the first things I would ask is "so have you been married? any kids?"

If I were single today, I would take a person's profile with a grain of salt because not everyone is going to spill out details about their personal life on the net. Me personally wouldn't reveal too much either.

 

Like I always say never "assume".

 

Maybe you're right, but honestly... I've been doing the online dating thing for a pretty good amount of time now and this is the first time this has happened. I'm probably naive because none of my friends have kids, but it's not even something I'd considered a question to ask. I guess that's changed now!

 

Also, I am guilty of swiping almost every single mom left (the realllly attractive ones I may swipe right, just to see if we match haha). I really never considered dating a mom an option, but now that I'm in a situation like this, I guess I have to be open to the possibility if I find that she's right for me...

 

and no, it's not the responsibility to ask every question on the first date. I mean, you wouldn't ask if someone was on parole, had an infectious disease, was unemployed, or any of the other things that might be a deal breaker for anybody. You expect them to tell you the basic important details about them, and kids is definitely one of those things.

 

I totally agree with this.

 

You should decide if you like her or not and if you're okay with possibly becoming a part of her kids' life at some point. If she's just desperate for anyone who doesn't mind her having kids, it will become fairly obvious on its own.

 

Agreed. The problem is, it's a tough decision. I don't want to miss out on dating a great girl just because she has kids. But... there are so many "what if's."

 

Anyway, I agreed to date #3 with her tomorrow so I'm going to take things in stride and see where it goes. I feel like I at least want to hear her story; how she came to have kids at such a young age, was she in a committed relationship when it happened, is she a widow, is the father in the picture... is she even looking to remarry one day or is she just looking to date and maybe get into a FWB sort of relationship? You never know until you talk about it and I think she deserves for me to at least hear her story.

[h0000]

You def need more info on this situation. Do the kids have the same father or not is important too.

[Imported]

Meh, give her a chance. The finest woman I know is a mom.

 

 

 

 

Your kids? or some other man's kind?? Huge ****ing difference

[mortensorchid]

I went out on two dates with a guy from Tinder, he didn't tell me that he had 4 kids all under age 12 until we were texting one another a week or so later. Needless to say ... I was a bit ... Shocked. And we stopped seeing each other right after that.

 

That's not too cool if the person does not tell you that they have kids or not, no matter how it is you meet them. It would give me pause as well. Hopefully you may like each other enough that it doesn't matter to you. But it's disconcerting to say the least. If she's a good person and you like her enough, it should not matter.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I could forgive someone for not mentioning it prior to meeting me for the first time (unless they'd explicitly lied about it) but not for going through an entire first date, and then going on a second date before bringing it up. It's just wasting the other person's time to hide something so major, possibly the thing that could have the biggest impact on the other person's perception of the potential relationship. So I would understand someone springing it on me during the first date, just, but anything after that... no. Dishonest.

 

Plus she must have had to do some serious verbal gymnastics to avoid mentioning two children for an entire couple of dates, given that once you have kids your life is mostly taking care of them. When she talked about what she did in her spare time, what she was looking for, her family, she must have had to be really careful in what she said. Plus it show she accepts that some people might see her kids as offputting and goes along with it in a sense, I would have far more respect for a guy or girl who proudly states that they have kids and then instantly filters her potential dates to wind up only with people who don't have an issue with it, rather than tricking people into going on dates and then mentioning it.

 

It would start the whole thing on such a bad foot.. I wouldn't particularly want to date someone with kids but if I knew it from the start and could decide to go out with them or not then I'd be more likely to give it a shot. To purposefully omit any mention of them shows a level of slyness I just couldn't get past.

[BluEyeL]

It's definitely a legitimate thing to want to learn more before you bail. And really nice of you for being forgiving and giving it another date to see what the situation is like and what kind of person she really is, despite the deception.

 

If I were talking to her, since I'm also a single mom, I'd tell her to mention the kids right away. Yes, indeed, it seems that being upfront will limit pretty significantly the number of dates you get. But, in my own experience, it's not going to be that bad at all. You'll still get dates. Plus, you'll get dates with men that are open to dating women with children, which in turn makes them better matches for you. Make her understand that getting dates that go nowhere is just a waste of hers and everyone else's time. Unless all she wants is casual hook ups. Then it doesn't matter if she has kids or not.

[joseb]

Personally I wouldn't get too hung up on her "lying" about the kids. Did I hear she has since change her a/c to show she has kids? Maybe she just didn't really think it through before. I can see why she might want to not mention it.

 

The important thing for you is - can you handle her having kids?

 

You need to be honest with yourself here. And you should not date her out of some sense of pity. That's a recipe for disaster.

 

Dating a woman with kids is possible, but it definitely adds complications and you should not underestimate them.

[joseb]

Unless all she wants is casual hook ups. Then it doesn't matter if she has kids or not.

 

Yeah this I forgot to mention. As it's Tinder, that's possible (though to be honest seems like less and less these days!)

[veggirl]

Yes I think this is a lie. She admitted she was TRYING TO HIDE IT from you!

 

Sorry but if you have kids, you need to mention it asap not park a mile away so no one sees the car seat.