Taking it slow or not really interested?

[aaforever]

psiblast,

 

Yea the anxiety of all this was too much for me. I just wasn't feeling the same level of excitement and investment in her. Always too busy for me, me always initiating everything, im just not used to that. I felt like I was constantly knocking on her door over and over. I'm used to the opposite. I guess I'm unable to go at that pace. Who knows. I need to see some excitement or initiative to keep my fire going otherwise it feels like I'm the only one interested. It just didn't feel right. Besides she told me to move on after I questioned her interest level in me ONE TIME. As if she was waiting to do this the whole time. =I kept it cool the entire time I was dating her (not in my head or on here obviously) but I never exposed my insecurity to her or pressured her in anyway until now, a month later... and now she wants me to move on. My gut was right in the beginning. She just wasn't that into me. I knew it.

[psiblast]

aaforever - In the end, you got the answer you were seeking, even if it's not the one you wanted. You'll be better off, rather than having uncertainty eat you inside. Don't ever compromise your self-worth.

 

Just remember, there will be others. You'll meet another amazing girl and you'll be wiser having gone through this, and won't make the same mistakes.

[aaforever]

smackie9, "Gently telling me to move on"?

 

Is that what you call it when someone can’t express their real feelings?

 

She tells me “I’m amazing. I’m everything she wants in a guy. She wants a relationship." Yet… "I don’t want you to wait for me. It’s not fair to you.”

 

That's not honest.

 

How bout “I had a great time getting to know you but I’m honestly not feeling the spark etc. etc.”

 

I mean there’s a delicate way to say it maintaining a level of honesty and dignity. And why wait until I suspect a change in behavior and question you to even say it?

 

I took her phony response for face value and say “I’m willing to make it work.”

 

No response.

 

And yes I did tell her a woman WILL make time for a man if she’s interested. And yes I AM at the bottom of her priority list. Whether she’s interested in me or not, she KNOWS that these are true statement. I’ve been nothing but an absolute gentleman throughout this whole thing to someone who lost faith in the chance of meeting a good man no less. To not respond to me at this point is disappointing. But it’s not surprising, it reflects all of her actions and who she is...

 

Instead of telling me to move on early, she just came up with excuses for not seeing me and leading me on. She waited for me to pick up on it and bring it up to her, so that she didn’t have to! Then she gives a phony ‘don’t wait for me’ response. Then when I say ‘let’s make it work.’ No decency to respond?

 

Why should anyone have to decode what someone says? Honesty is the best policy! Cliche, but so true. She knew early on I wasn’t her type. Now that she’s exposed she just cowers and goes away without the decency to even respond. I’m so glad I questioned her. I knew something was up. Otherwise, I would have seriously wasted my time catering to her forever. One month doesn’t make me feel so bad. A woman who treats someone like a doormat doesn't deserve a good man. Good riddance.

Edited August 24, 2015 by aaforever

[Oregon_Dude]

You have to be willing to let them walk away at ANY point in the relationship. No arguments.

 

I should have let mine go the minute she started pulling away. Instead I dragged out my own suffering for three unnecessary weeks. I'm glad I didn't beg and make an ass out of myself, etc. but I should have just been like, "Cool. See ya." And this was 3.5 months into it.

 

You can't convince a woman to be with you. They will lose respect for you once you start going on attack mode. You should have bailed waaaay earlier than this point.

 

If you are truly happy with yourself and love yourself.. then you will let them go and realize 100% that it's their loss. But this trying to hold onto someone and clinging will never work.

 

In my next dating situation, I will be much more cognizant of mistreatment and pulling away. Anyway, we are always learning, so don't worry OP, but consider this one done and don't let women get into your head so much. (I know, this coming from me is quite the stretch! Do as I say, not as I do.)

[losangelena]

Some people don't KNOW how to express their real feelings. Pushing off, not responding, being elusive—OK, yes, annoying, but also realistic. For some, directness is very difficult. Not everyone uses honesty as a blunt-force object. Besides, women hear all the time that men appreciate honesty, but when they're honest, they get called "c*nts," "bitches," "hoes" and "fatties who need to lose weight." https://instagram.com/byefelipe/?hl=en

 

I can understand the hesitation to be direct sometimes.

 

I think you learned a valuable lesson in all this, and that's that you need a woman who's going to respond to you in a certain way. In the future, DON'T spend time with someone who doesn't reciprocate the way you want, even from day one.

 

I'm honestly surprised she came down this way, but this is what dating is about. You dance around a bit and then decide whether or not to sit down. No harm, no foul; yet I love (/sarcasm) the way you infer that she treated you like a doormat and doesn't deserve a good man. You think she led you on, I think she was just taking her time trying to decide and came to a completely legitimate conclusion.

[aaforever]

Thanks everyone for your input throughout all of this. I learned A LOT. I'd be lying though if I said I wasn't sad about this one. This was a completely different experience than I was used to. She seemed like such an amazing person. Listening to her horror stories and how she lost faith in men really struck a chord with me. I really felt like I was the one she was looking for and I couldn't have been more excited to show her that I was here. Part of me regrets that I came across too strong at the end. But I was confused. My gut was saying something was off and I had to put my cards out on the table for her.

 

I'm not good at this whole "dating" thing. I don't know how to play "the game" I guess. Oh well. I'm going to make mistakes, but I know for a fact I put my best effort into this one. I treated her like a complete gentlemen. I didn't smother her. I gave her her space. It is what it is.

 

I just hate that it ended with a complete drop-off on her end. That makes me sad.

[losangelena]

:-/

 

Yeah, I feel you OP, it is sad. I'm sorry it worked out the way it did. Finding out when someone you like doesn't feel the same about you always sucks. I know it's easy to say, "well don't get so involved at the beginning" is much easier said than done.

 

Anyway, I think you did the best you could. Dating is such a learning process, and I think as long as people stay open and resilient that eventually they find a good match. Soldier on.

[Oregon_Dude]

Well aa, you were only dating for 3-4 weeks. The fact that you're so disappointed in this ending means that you probably get attached too quickly. This is not judgment - I do, too. In the future, I would advocate playing the cards CLOSER to your vest, and not getting your expectations up. Also, not giving her the third degree when she starts making excuses etc. Yes, maybe she wasn't being up front with you, but lots of people are like that. It's all about respecting YOURSELF enough to walk away when you're feeling you're being mistreated.

 

That isn't to say, don't try. I think one instance of "Hey, I really like you and I'd like us to keep dating - let me know when you're free" when her interest seems to dwindle, is fine. But you kept pushing and she kept pulling. With each attempt, you sell yourself shorter.

 

I'm not a good dater, either. But I'm learning. And especially learning what I will not tolerate. Ironically, women will respect you more if you don't take their sh*t. There is a lot of "testing" going on in dating and r/s's. It's annoying, but it is what it is. And being willing to let someone go really is the ultimate test. Of your own self-worth, more than anything.

 

Don't sweat this. You learned from it. So did I. Everything gonna be alright, Irish.

[Oregon_Dude]

Listening to her horror stories and how she lost faith in men really struck a chord with me. I really felt like I was the one she was looking for and I couldn't have been more excited to show her that I was here.

This is interesting to me. I sometimes fall into the role of "therapist" in a relationship. That.. is not good. It's not on us to solve their problems and be the immediate shoulder to cry on, and save them and be "the one". They can use their moms and their girlfriends for that. It sounds like you guys covered too-emotional territory, too soon. Same damn thing happened in my failed r/s.

 

Read the bolded part. You were too available and too excited. We are not here to save these women. We're there to have fun with them, keep things light. The intense convos are for when we are a couple. Also, my guess is you didn't have other options and went all in on this one.

 

Anyway, I made the same mistakes. We're learning together. We just give way too much way too soon.

[Versacehottie]

So, I wanted to give everyone an update. Everything has pretty much come to a head. I continued to ask her out with much of the same type of responses as last time.

 

“Hey we’re going to the beach want to come?”

I have to work on my apartment, a guy is coming to install my entertainment center. Then I have to go into work early.

"Hey let’s see a movie monday when you’re off."

We’re celebrating my old roommates birthday and going to dinner. Maybe another day this week.

"Ok, what about Tuesday?"

I may have to work Tuesday, I’m rearranging my schedule for a concert I’m going to next weekend.

 

and on and on and on…

 

I just finally said to her (in short) “I’m starting to feel like i’m over reaching. I know you’re busy but I’m trying to make the initiative to see you as much as I can around your schedule. I’m not feeling the same type of initiative from you which is making me think you’re not that interested."

 

She came back with (in short) “I don’t want you to think I’m not into you that’s not the case. I literally have no life I work and sleep. I think you’re amazing, you proved that etc. etc. I do want a relationship and I’m not scared to have one but I literally don’t think I have time for one right now… and I don’t want you to wait around for me. It’s not fair to you.”

 

I came back with (in short) “I think it comes down to do you want to try to make it work? I truly believe if a woman is interested in a man, she finds a way to make time for him. When there’s always other people, some event, some commitment that’s taking up more of a woman time, it s a sign to me that I’m not that high on her priority list. As far as “waiting”... I’m willing to do whatever it takes to find the time to continue to explore this without it getting in the way of your career or personal pursuits but we have to both genuinely want to. It’s a two way street. I don’t want this to slip because of a schedule conflict. We can work together to find time. It’s really up to you. If you decide you’re interested in continuing, great. If not, no hard feelings. Let me know.”

 

That was late sat. night. I haven’t gotten a response since.

 

 

I wrote you a detailed response but it got lost somehow. First of all, sorry this has happened and ended up like this. I really wanted/want you to get what you want. First off, in your post subsequent to this one, you said something to the effect of "i knew this was going to happen" or something like that. Next time do not go in with this defeatist attitude. It will never help you if you are just. As I said before but your belief system isn't latching onto this one, you are treating it as if one encounter or the first couple means there is some forgone conclusion pending. Maybe for you (I really, really like this girl) but not everyone is like that. If the other person hasn't decided, a lot of how her interactions/your behavior are going to be what influence her decision. That is not a bad thing unless you make it be by bringing a defeatist attitude or insisting that if she "liked" me she would do X. It can be a good thing. Point is her mind is not made up just because yours is.

 

I can actually relate to the girl in your story because I see some similarities between us. So let's say she was on the fence. Since last monday according to your post above, you've asked her out around 4 times and then you hit her with your statement basically demanding an answer of where you stand. It's overwhelming!!! I am not surprised she hasn't answered. I'm not saying she's an angel or was into you and blaming what happened on you. But you have to temper yourself and not over-invest; it's unrealistic. Just give what you are getting.

 

I don't want to kick you when you are down but you can't keep doing your same patterns and expect different results. All she was getting to know was your impatience and anxiety, not who you were as a person. I really hope that you give the other ways that were suggested a try with the next one. You sound like a good guy and some girl should get the benefit of that. Pace yourself though, don't force it and have other things going on in your life. Your statement to her was tough to read. You think you weren't being pushy or overbearing but it kinda was in a roundabout way along with exposing a ton of clinginess and throwing yourself on the ground as a doormat. She responded the way she did because you were demanding an answer, instead of taking the actions for the answer and making your own decision of what you want to do with that information. Ok, here for you on the next one if you want it. Good luck and hang in there.

[aaforever]

Thanks Versacehottie, I appreciate all your help!

 

By the way... I just ended up texting her...acknowledging a lot of what you just said and apologizing for moving too fast and pressuring her. I wished her the best.

 

Bad move? Probably. But what does it matter at this point. It's how I felt. I had already ****ed it up anyway and didn't want to leave it the way it was without taking accountability for my actions.

 

Losangelena said it best... "you need a woman who's going to respond to you in a certain way. In the future, DON'T spend time with someone who doesn't reciprocate the way you want, even from day one. "

 

I think for me it just has to be that way because I KNOW I won't be any better if I get involved with someone like this again. I HAVE to see some kind of initiative from the other party or I'll implode and mess it up again. People like this are not for me. I just don't have the patience or composure of most people. I've gone my whole life experience the COMPLETE opposite type of woman. Whether they were good ones or crazy ones, they all made sure they showed their interest early on. I know no other way. This one may have been just "figuring things out" but the mystery was killing me. I couldn't handle it and since I know there are others out there who are not like that, I'd rather just focus on the type I'm more compatible with rather than torture myself trying to adapt to someone who keeps their feelings inside or is just plain unsure of things.

[Oregon_Dude]

By the way... I just ended up texting her...acknowledging a lot of what you just said and apologizing for moving too fast and pressuring her. I wished her the best.

 

Bad move? Probably. But what does it matter at this point. It's how I felt. I had already ****ed it up anyway and didn't want to leave it the way it was without taking accountability for my actions.

It's this mentality of having to be perfect, or nice, or apologize or whatever, that you need to work on IMO. If you had just backed away when you felt her doing the same, she may have liked that and stayed interested. Probably not, but it was your only shot. Instead you panicked, got possessive, couldn't play it cool and scared the sh*t out of her. We all want a GF, we all want to get laid.. but you can never give them that power of owning you.

 

Just my thoughts dude. Methinks you have women too high on a pedestal, and need to knock them down to just regular humans.

[Versacehottie]

This is interesting to me. I sometimes fall into the role of "therapist" in a relationship. That.. is not good. It's not on us to solve their problems and be the immediate shoulder to cry on, and save them and be "the one". They can use their moms and their girlfriends for that. It sounds like you guys covered too-emotional territory, too soon. Same damn thing happened in my failed r/s.

 

Read the bolded part. You were too available and too excited. We are not here to save these women. We're there to have fun with them, keep things light. The intense convos are for when we are a couple. Also, my guess is you didn't have other options and went all in on this one.

 

Anyway, I made the same mistakes. We're learning together. We just give way too much way too soon.

 

Yep, and didn't I say not to talk about past relationships. It's like you want to be someone's savior and that's not the sexy role. Here's a huge hint, normal girls who really like you are cautious of dumping their failed romance stories on you because it makes them look bad, not in best light and realize it's not appropriate date material. Unless she is a drama queen and this one didn't sound like it. So if you are talking about past relationship in depth and doing a woe is me dance, you are putting yourself in friendzone. Change the subject. It's heavy and depressing.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks Versacehottie, I appreciate all your help!

 

By the way... I just ended up texting her...acknowledging a lot of what you just said and apologizing for moving too fast and pressuring her. I wished her the best.

 

Bad move? Probably. But what does it matter at this point. It's how I felt. I had already ****ed it up anyway and didn't want to leave it the way it was without taking accountability for my actions.

 

Losangelena said it best... "you need a woman who's going to respond to you in a certain way. In the future, DON'T spend time with someone who doesn't reciprocate the way you want, even from day one. "

 

I think for me it just has to be that way because I KNOW I won't be any better if I get involved with someone like this again. I HAVE to see some kind of initiative from the other party or I'll implode and mess it up again. People like this are not for me. I just don't have the patience or composure of most people. I've gone my whole life experience the COMPLETE opposite type of woman. Whether they were good ones or crazy ones, they all made sure they showed their interest early on. I know no other way. This one may have been just "figuring things out" but the mystery was killing me. I couldn't handle it and since I know there are others out there who are not like that, I'd rather just focus on the type I'm more compatible with rather than torture myself trying to adapt to someone who keeps their feelings inside or is just plain unsure of things.

 

Thank you.

 

I actually almost ALWAYS agree with losangelena but not this time or at least not your interpretation of it. I don't think you go into it with realistic expectations and I think your anxiety and impatience ends up running the show so I do think it's most important that you manage your expectations rather than keep cycling through people because you can't compromise or see things from their point of view. So you may get those mutually intense relationships from day one that make it seem like you are "IN" something but are not really based in reality either and those often as well end up imploding. You need to work on being able to "handle" it/yourself. It's important. No one is going to match perfectly and know exactly how to fit into your puzzle piece. It's unrealistic to expect that someone will know. I have a feeling too that no matter what you are given, your anxiety has it where you need to keep ramping it up. It's hard to live up to that because it's not real.

 

I do agree with both of you (i guess) that it may make the most sense to gravitate toward those that are the best initiating-open type for you. But don't expect perfection and mind reader abilities in these types either.

 

I think when you went on the rant above about this chick in this post, you are not looking at yourself as a partial cause in this. You did push her toward this outcome partially by not letting her figure things out in a realistic time frame for herself. And expressing yourself in one or two dimensional ways rather than multi-dimensional ones that you did with your own actions. I'm not saying she's blameless at all. But you have more power than you are giving yourself credit for and to control what sort of message you want to send out about yourself. I probably would have taken similar action to what she did because how you handled was pretty intense and coming from a place of insecurity and since you were demanding an answer at that exact point, my answer would have been really similar to hers. The message I got from how you conducted yourself with her was that whatever I would give you would never be enough coupled with unrealistic investment and attachment which would have been a turn-off. You can control the message more if you work on not being overly attached and letting it show.

 

I'm sorry. I'm only saying this so you can take some of this feedback to the next thing. I still think you're a great guy even if I don't like your approach. That's why I'm trying to get my point through to you so you can work on your approach. We have spoken enough in depth here that it's obvious you are a great guy. I don't want a cool girl to miss out:bunny:

Edited August 25, 2015 by Versacehottie

[aaforever]

Vercace and Oregon_dude, thanks so much.

 

She had a combination of rare qualities that I NEVER come across. She was everything I've been looking for. She had her life so together and had such a sharp mind. I was completely blown away. I panicked and crumbled. I completely blew it and scared her away. It was the first time I met someone like that who was actually available and I didn't know how to handle it.

 

What I don't get is that yes I scared her with my text. But is that really enough for someone to just completely drop-off from a guy who she supposingly considered "special" and "amazing"? Does this really negate all of that? I took accountability for what I said and apologized for screwing this up. I told her I recognized I was too eager and wish I stuck with the pace we had. I was obviously crazy about her and had a hard time keeping it in. Ok. Tell me to slow down a bit. Give me a chance. Don't just get scared and run away.

 

This is why I believe there's no way she could have felt the way she said she did about me. No way. I think my gut was right from the beginning. I should have pulled back the second I noticed something was up. Nobody needs time to decide if they are into you or not. You just know. I suspect what she was doing, if anything, was either deciding if she wanted to "settle" for me or how she was going to let me down.

 

Whatever it may be I need to tell myself it wouldn't have worked anyway because right now it's starting to really sink it deeply that I may have messed up a golden opportunity that will most likely not come around again in a long time. I think this one's going to haunt me.

[Versacehottie]

Vercace and Oregon_dude, thanks so much.

 

She had a combination of rare qualities that I NEVER come across. She was everything I've been looking for. She had her life so together and had such a sharp mind. I was completely blown away. I panicked and crumbled. I completely blew it and scared her away. It was the first time I met someone like that who was actually available and I didn't know how to handle it.

 

What I don't get is that yes I scared her with my text. But is that really enough for someone to just completely drop-off from? (YES, BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T JUST CHOOSE PARTNERS BASED ON INITIAL QUALITIES, THEY EVALUATE AND INCLUDE CUMULATIVE BEHAVIOR, ACTIONS AND INTERACTIONS INTO THEIR DECISION ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON) Does this really negate all of that? (WELL YOU ARE LEAVING OUT THAT YOU RUSHED THINGS, COULD NOT PACE YOURSELF, LET YOUR ANXIETY TAKE OVER AND DEMANDED AN ANSWER) I took accountability for what I said and apologized for screwing this up. I told her I recognized I was too eager and wish I stuck with the pace we had. I was obviously crazy about her and had a hard time keeping it in. Ok. Tell me to slow down a bit. Give me a chance. Don't just get scared and run away. (BUT YOU REPEATEDLY HAD A CHANCE TO SHOW HER THAT, A NORMAL PACE, THAT YOU HAD YOUR OWN LIFE AND SELF-CONTROL AND YOU COULDN'T DO IT. THAT'S WHY YOU WANT TO BE CAREFUL OF TAKING THINGS TO CRISIS ZONE OR EDGE OR DO OR DIE MOMENT OF DEMANDING AN ANSWER OR FORCING THE ISSUE PREMATURELY).

 

This is why I believe there's no way she could have felt the way she said she did about me. No way. I think my gut was right from the beginning.(FORGONE CONCLUSION, DEFEATIST ATTITUDE, UNWILLING TO BELIEVE THAT YOUR OWN ACTIONS HAVE INFLUENCE ON OUTCOME, GOOD OR BAD) I should have pulled back the second I noticed something was up. Nobody needs time to decide if they are into you or not (UNHELPFUL, ERRONEOS BELIEF, UNWILLINGNESS TO REALIZE THAT DIFFERENT PEOPLE HANDLE THINGS DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU DO) You just know. I suspect what she was doing, if anything, was either deciding if she wanted to "settle" for me or how she was going to let me down.(DEFEATIST ATTITUDE WHICH FUELED YOUR ANXIETY AND INSECURITY AND CAUSED "YOU" TO MAKE SOME DATING MISTAKES)

 

Whatever it may be I need to tell myself it wouldn't have worked anyway because right now it's starting to really sink it deeply that I may have messed up a golden opportunity that will most likely not come around again in a long time. I think this one's going to haunt me.

 

You are doing IT again!!! Your anxiety is all over the place in your head you are saying conflicting statements. You have a belief system that will KEEP leading you down the same path. The beliefs you hold are not going to help you at all, especially coupled with the way you approach and what has a tendency to go on in your head. I bolded the things above that are problematic.

 

Last night you pointed out that you were going to look for girls that were more similar to your rushed approach style next time. Now with this post, you believe this girl was really special and that you blew it. That's why last night I disagreed with your interpretation of what losangelena said. Unless you work on the things that are causing you these problems, you will not have the power of choice and this girl, due to approach style alone, would never be an option for you. You need to work on your issues so that you can stack the deck in your favor of you being to approach any girl regardless of her style or type of approach toward dating. You will be looking for the best person for you, not picking the best out of those with a limited approach style. Widens the field has the potential to make you more happy. I suspect you are feeling super attracted to this chick because you have determined she is part of an ungettable group to you, elusive. When just prior last night you were willing to dial it down to just girls that "got you" and your approach. That doesn't have to be the case.

 

Going back to the defeatist attitude, it seems like a classic case of pessimism. You see the things that happen to you as permanent, pervasive and personal. That's why your belief system is such that you believe the girl will "just know" right from first moment she lays eyes on you (i'm exaggerating for effect). Pessimists are prone to anxiety and depression because they are not willed to act and behave in effective or helpful ways because they don't believe it will really help. So going back to your belief: Nobody needs time to decide if they are into you or not. You just know If you believe this to be true, does it influence your action or inaction? It is a scientific fact that pessimistic belief systems, will not motivate you to take effective action or action at all. You believe no one needs time to decide and you just know; therefore, you went nuts with your actions and don't think that should or really did influence her decisions. It did. You think she should talk to you about it now and tell you to slow down but you had lots of opportunities to do that yourself. So if you change your belief system more to: Some people need time to decide if they are into you or not. They don't just know right away---would that influence YOU to act AS IF your actions will play a role in their decision? Yes of course it would. And you would be on better behavior---better dating behavior!!! She can notice qualities that you are a special guy and amazing, initially, which almost everyone would agree makes you a good guy, right? But muddled with bad dating behavior which you undoubtedly had, you become not a great choice for a partner, see?

 

Qualities and behavior/actions. They are two separate things that will influence someone's choice of whether or not they want to try a relationship with you.

 

It's almost like you took the one or two opinions that supported your anxious style and ran with them. You will get a wide bag of opinions on this or any site. There are all sorts of people here who have all sorts of life experiences and personality styles, helpful and unhelpful to what you are going through. Even your own interpretation of what they are saying, you cherry picked things they advised doing which matched with what you really really wanted to do, even though they were advising with a different theme or underlying message. I happen to know that a couple of people who advised you to get in touch the night of the concert last week, don't advise anxious or clingy behavior and that the underlying message was to be proactive, not as blanket permission to be clingy and ask out 4 times in a week after that, and then effectively throw in towel and do huge hail mary text asking where things stood. That was not what they were recommending!!! I'm not even saying that what I am recommending is right (even though I think it is ) but what I am recommending is the opposite basically of what you are doing--which is not working. To me, it's clear why it's not working as I can imagine being that girl and reacting exactly as she did. That is not to say that she is the girl for you or that it would have worked out---only to say that in fact your own actions contributed to the reason why it did not work out. You can only control your part. So all I am saying is get that under control so it will not be a factor or issue next time.

 

So we are right back to where we started on the first day you made this thread. You need to work on pacing, pulling back in response to other person's interest level and not letting your anxiety run the show. You need to have a firm set of your own standards in place so you can evaluate the girl's behavior against those standards and not make forgone conclusions of your own (she is the one!! how would you know that yet if you don't have enough behavioral information!). You need to work on coming up with a belief system that will serve you not hurt you. You need to work on reasonable expectations and good dating behavior. You need to get clear on what are "fixed" qualities and what is behavioral and action based stuff. You need to think that your actions will play a role in what decisions are made so you take effective and helpful actions. You need to be more sure that any girl you are dating is only an option and that you will have others so that you will give your best without interpreting that to be doormat behavior or pushing for too much. All these things will stack deck in your favor and that is all you can do. The rest you just have to be ok with since you cannot control the other person.

Edited August 25, 2015 by Versacehottie

[losangelena]

Whoa.

 

I gotta agree with Versace here. You seem to suffer from extreme black and white thinking—you know; you don't know; I completely blew it; I'm never going to meet a woman like that again.

 

Well, pffft, none of that's necessarily true.

 

Couple of things ...

 

She had a combination of rare qualities that I NEVER come across. She was everything I've been looking for. She had her life so together and had such a sharp mind.

 

OK, I'm curious. You can you be SO CERTAIN that these kind of traits would necessarily equate to good RELATIONSHIP quality. Has sh*t together + sharp mind + other magical qualities ≠ good girlfriend. You can't believe she doesn't know right away? I question how you CAN know right away. To me, that's suggestive of something else. It's not HER that you're so into, but a combination of qualities that you think are going to add up to something amazing. It was a month—you didn't KNOW HER.

 

This is why I believe there's no way she could have felt the way she said she did about me. No way. I think my gut was right from the beginning. I should have pulled back the second I noticed something was up. Nobody needs time to decide if they are into you or not. You just know. I suspect what she was doing, if anything, was either deciding if she wanted to "settle" for me or how she was going to let me down.

 

WHOA NELLY.

 

Nope, I'm sorry I don't get this kind of thinking AT ALL. Have you ever mulled over an important decision? Buying a car/house, moving somewhere, quitting a job? Anything? I don't understand why people don't consider relationships with the same level of care. It's an important decision to figure out if you want to be in someone's life. For her to not have decided after a few dates and several weeks is COMPLETELY NORMAL. I don't really feel like you were giving her the space to say, "hey I like you but let's slow down." If you had told me what you'd told her, I would have figured, "well, I can't commit right now to a relationship on those terms, so I guess no, then."

 

My roommate has recently gone out a few times with a male friend of ours. He has a lot of good, long-term relationship qualities (if I were single I would totally jump on that), but she's on the fence. She's told him this, but he's all about her, and is willing to keep seeing her while she makes up her mind, (hopefully) with the full understanding that she may eventually say no. But you see, he's not pressuring her or demanding an answer.

 

Same with me and my current BF. I liked him when I first met him, but I just wasn't sure. There were things about him I liked—there was a gentle quality to him, and this kind of sweet innocence (though he's not innocent), and the way he carried himself. It was a combination of things that made me stick around and not just say "naa" right away. But trust me, I was really unsure. Now, almost a year later, I'm SO GLAD I stuck around, because he is a great guy and I am truly in love.

 

Anyway, I think in your situation it was a combination of factors, but if this is your final analysis, I worry about your future attempts. Yes, I still think you should maybe gravitate towards women who are going to show you more reciprocation, but worry about your propensity to frontload emotionally and to extrapolate certain mean out of such specific action. My therapist tells me all the time that B/W thinkers are more prone to anxiety—and that's clearly evident here. I get it, I'm prone to it, too. But when you're learning to interact in healthy and productive ways with the opposite sex, shades of gray are most helpful.

[Hopeful30]

It could be a variety of things. She could be shy, or it might take a while for her to open up.

 

Then again, if you're already in someone's mouth after only meeting them twice, that to me isn't shy or slow to open up.

 

She's probably submissive. If that doesn't work for you, then you might encounter problems in the long term (if you're already noticing this now).

[Versacehottie]

What losangelena said is great. Another way to say the points I've been trying to get across. All or nothing, black and white thinking. It's just not true. It leaves no room for the other person. It's like you want to possess them and their qualities. I think that's why you get so intense, anxious and wrapped up. Because getting them is about you and your worth. How could it be about the other person? You don't truly know them yet.

[AlurOne]

OP I feel for you, because I was in a similar situation recently. It had been years on end since I felt anything for anyone after I got divorced. Then suddenly this girl with amazing energy came along and I fell for her really quickly. For a bit I managed my feelings really well, but after some time it started to overwhelm me and my usual logical approach to everything started to vanish. I know I started to come on too strong and she got scared off.

 

Feelings and emotions are powerful enough to drive behavior if they go unchecked, and I learned such a valuable lesson. Now I also feel regret over screwing up a potentially great opportunity, but there's nothing I can do about it now other than hopefully get a chance again to use what I've learned this time around. Tough to live with.

 

A former boss of mine once told me, in his unique type of wisdom, "Take it easy, but take it."

[Oregon_Dude]

aa,

 

you are approaching things from a perspective of scarcity. You think this woman was so amazing, you blew your one chance and you'll never find anyone like her again. So, is she the most amazing woman in the world? or your city? If so, then you're right.

 

You know that your anxiety about these situations is your saboteur. This is the number one issue you must address, preferably in therapy. I am similar to you in some ways, in that I care way too much what a woman thinks of me when I'm dating her, get overly invested, and worry too much about the future. One way to avoid this is to date several women at once - have different irons in the fire, so to speak. Another is to simply reassess the importance of relationships in your life. DON'T DATE. In this way you will learn to be more comfortable in your own skin, and not rely on the approval of a romantic interest to make you feel whole.

 

Try to shift your thinking to a perspective of ABUNDANCE. There are LOTS of great, intelligent, smart, sexy, funny, talented women out there. Trust me, you didn't just meet the last one. Yeah, maybe you blew it by getting too attached and freaking her out. In a year or something, you'll look back on this after you've scored a righteous babe and laugh about how insecure you were. Provided you put in the work of addressing your insecurities.

 

Lastly, try to have a sense of humor about it. 3 weeks dude?! You're going to worry about a situation that hadn't even developed yet. Problem is, you were already worried about the finish line before the race had even started yet. BE OK with being single, with not being wanted, with being rejected. These women DON'T KNOW YOU, bro, and their judgment of you should be meaningless to you.

[smackie9]

Bottom line, you got too infatuated over someone you hardly knew after 3 dates. Is this a habit of yours?.....like a rat, you keep pushing the button even tho nothing drops out.

[Versacehottie]

aa, listen although all this advice is meant to be helpful, don't let it bring you down, ok?

 

For people that are in their heads and thoughts, advice boards like this can actually not help!!! As if you need more thoughts swimming around in there!! I was thinking about you today thinking all this feedback might be too much. Just take a little breather, put it at the back of your mind and then don't stay in your head. Just do and react, do and react. I think if you can switch from trying to figure it all out, predict outcomes, etc. to action and reaction it will help. Just go out with people and let your actions and their actions be what you focus on.

[Deadmeat]

Hi everyone,

 

I know there hasn't been a response to this thread for a few days but I am intrigued to see if there have been any updates from OP?

 

OP, I am so thankful I found this thread as I am currently going through a similar situation with varying differences of course. I can relate to a lot of the emotions and thought processes that were going through your mind. I too am the type of person that needs some sort of inititiation from the other party otherwise I interpret that as not interested. Black and white thinking as a few respondents have put it.

 

To Versace and Losangelenes I thank you greatly for shedding aome wisdom into the situation. Versace especially regarding the shift in belief system as I can see my own errors of my own. Again, it seems I have a very similar thought process as OP.

 

If nothing else just know that your experience has helped my situation tremendously with a shift in perception. Even if it doesn't work out for me at least I can take this away.

[Versacehottie]

The OP was great at posting updates so since he hasn't I kinda think there hasn't been one. Yeah what your belief system is, is crucial. It colors every decision, every interaction, every action you take. It's super important to get it relatively in line (there will probably always be a bit of uncertainty or insecurity for everyone because dating is a risk and people feel vulnerable).

 

I think from what I've noticed on this board, a lot of guys seem to have a insecure and pessimistic belief system that blows their dating. And women seem to have a desperation and too available one that they think they are masking. And stereotypes about men that are unhelpful. You cannot outrun these belief systems. They are apparent in the language and wording you choose on the simplest of sentences. They are in your body language, everything. Sooner or later the person you are trying to date picks up on the subtext and it affects how they view you.

 

It is work to change the belief systems you have. It's hard in some way, easy enough in others. It is totally doable though. Even if you can get to neutral where you aren't operating with a negative one and not a positive one either (yet) but just taking information from the environment and what happens (reacting only, in the moment), you can have success. Good luck