Taking it slow or not really interested?

[fitnessfan365]

Dude, this is a girl you've known for three weeks. As the guy, it's up to you to set the pace in the beginning with planning dates and initiating the physical. The fact that she's always really receptive is a GOOD thing. As her trust in you increases, she'll put herself out there more. Plus. this is a girl who's admitted to having some trust issues and being screwed over in the past. So you need to give her some time to get more comfortable.

 

In your update, you mentioned that she finally initiated communication with you asking about your weekend. This is a first step of her interest level going up. So you should have brought up the show again and locked down plans. Now I know that you wanted her to bring it up since you mentioned it in passing Friday. But these days people have short attention spans and get distracted. I mean it was her first time in your place at the time right? So isn't it possible that she was wrapped up in the moment and just forgot about you bringing it up? I mean you're waiting around on her to mention a show she probably doesn't even remember you bringing up in the first place. So my advice? Call her on the phone and lock down plans for the show.

Edited August 17, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[losangelena]

I agree with FF. I think you should bring up the show again. She could very well have forgotten about it, or forgotten that she needed to let you know.

 

Generally speaking, a more direct approach will get you a bit further—instead of saying, "let me know if you want to go," you could have said, "do you want to go?" Even when my relationship with my BF was in its most embryonic, he would still ask me to things by saying, "I got tickets to so-and-so, do you want to come with me?" That is a very direct way of asking someone out. Yes, he risked more rejection, but it cut out days of anxious hemming and hawing because there was no waiting on his part for me to, "let him know."

 

I don't think there would be anything clingy about you asking her again if she wants to go to the show.

[aaforever]

I’m torn. I really do think it’s important for me to pull back ever so slightly and not seem so available and eager. Yet I’m wondering if there’s a way to do that while still asking her out. Maybe I could ask her out but not to the show. If I make it seem that the opportunity for the show has passed because she wasn’t responsive maybe that would make it seem like I’m not one to wait around, pester her or reminding her of things…making me seem less eager. Maybe be more stern with something like, “Hey. Never heard back from ya about the show. You want to do something else or do you have plans tonight?” or “Let’s hang out. There’s the show, but I didn't hear back from ya so I didn’t set anything up. You want to do something else?.” I’m not entirely sure if any of this is necessary. But I am worried that if she did genuinely forget she could be wondering why I’m not asking her out on her day off, which is why now I’m leaning towards asking her out.

 

It’s funny since I’ve been seeing this girl, I’ve had two girls reach out to me proactively and ask me to hang out. The complete opposite experience from what I've been getting from her. It’s interesting how this has been happening during my pursuit of this girl. Almost as a sign, to say maybe I should give other people who are a bit more transparent a chance? Not sure what to make of that. Maybe I should be dating other people as well rather than closing doors on everyone else while I wait around to see what happens with this...

[smackie9]

Yes date other people.

[fitnessfan365]

You've only known this one girl for three weeks and aren't in a committed relationship with her. If you've got other opportunities, explore them as well.

[aaforever]

UPDATE:

 

So I ended up asking her out in the fashion I said I would. Said she doesn't think she has the energy for a show tonight and is going to stay in. She said your welcome to come over but I dont want you to miss out on a good show with your friends. I decided I'll go over. I'm not gonna stress anymore. I believe she's interested but wants baby steps. I don't believe she's as excited and invested as I am which is fine because now that I'm accepting of that it kind of takes the steam out of me as well. Which could benefit things anyway. I'm going to date some other people, take her off the pedestal, treat everyone equally and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Thanks everyone again for your input, it went a looonng way. Whether this thing turns into something awesome or goes south I'll give you all an update

[Versacehottie]

I’m torn. I really do think it’s important for me to pull back ever so slightly and not seem so available and eager. Yet I’m wondering if there’s a way to do that while still asking her out. Maybe I could ask her out but not to the show. If I make it seem that the opportunity for the show has passed because she wasn’t responsive maybe that would make it seem like I’m not one to wait around, pester her or reminding her of things…making me seem less eager. Maybe be more stern with something like, “Hey. Never heard back from ya about the show. You want to do something else or do you have plans tonight?” or “Let’s hang out. There’s the show, but I didn't hear back from ya so I didn’t set anything up. You want to do something else?.” I’m not entirely sure if any of this is necessary. But I am worried that if she did genuinely forget she could be wondering why I’m not asking her out on her day off, which is why now I’m leaning towards asking her out.

 

It’s funny since I’ve been seeing this girl, I’ve had two girls reach out to me proactively and ask me to hang out. The complete opposite experience from what I've been getting from her. It’s interesting how this has been happening during my pursuit of this girl. Almost as a sign, to say maybe I should give other people who are a bit more transparent a chance? Not sure what to make of that. Maybe I should be dating other people as well rather than closing doors on everyone else while I wait around to see what happens with this...

 

Ok, regarding first paragraph of your post. See you are starting to get into your head again with fear. Fear of losing out, missing out on a chance with her, rushing things. If she likes you, her feelings are not going to change overnight. You need to commit to one path or another regarding this show tonight. I'm just trying to make it easier for you because much like your first post on here you are mixing all the elements together. First order of business since you are feeling like this: do you want to take her to the show tonight? If you absolutely do, then gather your confidence and ask. Don't say what you've suggested above. Too passive, too iffy. Say something like whatever fitnessfan suggested above. If she says no she can't make it, then it's your opportunity to suggested another date, time/place.

 

If it is more so that you want a chance to date her in general and see her and not the show itself, there is no rush and you can continue pulling back and you can ask her later this week for a date. See?. Only you really have the best idea, based on knowing her personality, if she really forgot. I still think there is no harm, even if she did forget in clearing everything up the next time you speak or are in contact. Because my inclination is that she did not forget. But suppose she did forget, you will just look like you are not overly focused on one girl by reminding her. I'm going off the assumption that you DIRECTLY AND CLEARLY asked her about the show rather than mention it in passing vaguely. If you mentioned it in passing vaguely, you may think you asked her out but she does not think that and is waiting on you to give hard details. When you said, she said she'd get back to you it sure sounds like she knew she was being asked out.

 

I never think it hurts to date others until you are exclusive and one is clearly in the lead. It keeps things in perspective and if someone is behaving badly it will tend to stand out. BTW, I'm quite surprised that my advice is in the minority today. Pull back is usually very standard advice on here. Good luck.

[Versacehottie]

UPDATE:

 

So I ended up asking her out in the fashion I said I would. Said she doesn't think she has the energy for a show tonight and is going to stay in. She said your welcome to come over but I dont want you to miss out on a good show with your friends. I decided I'll go over. I'm not gonna stress anymore. I believe she's interested but wants baby steps. I don't believe she's as excited and invested as I am which is fine because now that I'm accepting of that it kind of takes the steam out of me as well. Which could benefit things anyway. I'm going to date some other people, take her off the pedestal, treat everyone equally and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Thanks everyone again for your input, it went a looonng way. Whether this thing turns into something awesome or goes south I'll give you all an update

 

I don't know how I missed your update yesterday. Glad you are moving forward with a good attitude. Hmmmm, so did she say anything about "not getting back to you" until you had to re-ask? So she didn't forget but was hoping you would? Or not address it? A little lame if you ask me. Baby steps is fine but you want someone who treats you with respect and is a good communicator. Oh well sometimes good communication grows as you get to know each other better maybe last night was a step in that direction. Good luck and keep us posted.

[losangelena]

So OP, did you go over to her place last night? How did it go?

[aaforever]

Hey guys, sorry for the late update. Yes I did end up going over to her place. (I’ll finish where I left off in my previous post.)

She said she was tired and will be moving a friend into a new apartment all day but said “You’re welcome to come over tonight.”

I said "ok I could go for a chill night, I’ll come by. Let me know when you’re settled.”

This was at 1pm. Didn’t hear from her again till 8pm.

She said “Sorry for the late response just finished moving." I said “Ok are you hungry? I’m driving, I can pick something up for you and we can chill.” She said she had pizza and ice cream but are more than welcome to come over and chill for a bit.

In my head I’m like “You couldn’t take two seconds to text me? But whatever not gonna sweat it. Maybe I’m different, I’m a little more attentive and responsive when it comes to peoples time.” I end up going over.

The whole thing is honestly confusing, she’s been so flimsy and unresponsive when it comes to committing to things lately but what continues to mix me up is the night went really good! Just like it always does when i see her.

 

We had a lot of laughs and just sat and talked. We traded a few more stories of bad dating experiences like last time. She mentioned her last boyfriend cheated on her with 6 different people over a 6 month period. More stuff like that. At one point, I asked her if she was skeptical of me and asked her if she at any point thought I was a player. She said ‘I think all guys are players.” I said do you still feel that way about me. She said, “No.” I said was there a specific turning point that made you change your mind about me? She laughed and said "Yes there was.” I said "Well good. And honestly, just as much as you don’t want to go through those horrible things again with people, neither do I.”

I said, “Don’t be afraid to give me a hug, sit by me or say hi once in a while either. I just want you to feel comfortable enough to just do those things if you want to. You can smack me in the head too if you wanted to.” She laughed. Then by the end of the night she came and sat down by me on her own for the first time and looked up for a kiss. When she did that it made me really feel like she actually is into me and receptive but... if I want things to go anywhere I have to keep hinting at these things and making the initiative to get these moments to happen.

 

Other positive moments were earlier when she made points about how she can tell by the people a guy hangs around if they are good guys or not. I said what about my friends? She said, “your friends are awesome.” She also brought up how she can spot red flags with guys right away. She said this the first time I met her as well and at the end of the first date she texted me and said “No red flags ”

 

All in all, I think she's very into me but it’s the unresponsiveness to committing to times/dates with me and things like I don’t even get a ‘I’m glad you came over i wanted to see you too’ or something along those lines. It was just like "yea you’re welcome come over if you want.” Like she didn’t care either way. I mean I really do want to see this affectionate side that I’m hoping she’s just “hiding”. It mixes me up when I have other women texting me and being proactive who actually recognize who i am and don’t want to let me go. It’s like they are actually making a point to show me they are interested. I wish she just gave me a sliver of that. I know I should be dating other people but I thought it was kind of cool that we were in the same boat as far as we both gave up on dating. Now, we both found someone seemingly different in each other and are the first people we have given a chance to in a long time. She’s not dating anyone else and I honestly don’t have a desire to either. But it’s making me second guess things because really, yes she seems special and different, but she really hasn’t actually given me anything. She’s not letting me see too much of her. If I didn’t take initiative in conversations or anything else all we would talk about is her job or how much she likes dogs and football. I have to constantly move things forward, ask questions etc. Once I do THEN she opens up and is great to talk to. It’s almost like “Here I am I’m special, I know I am, so if you want it come get it. You do all the work. I’m giving you nothing right now.” I really hope that’s not her attitude because if it is that’s a turn off. I need a little back and forth here and I’m asking for the bare minimum. I know it’s going on only a month but I haven’t even been given a simple, "i like this about you…” “what do you think about this…” really she hasn’t asked me anything outside of surface level things, nothing that would allow her to get to know me better. I don’t even get “nice shirt!” And this is someone who surpassingly signed off from dating because there are no “good guys” out there. Now she gives me a chance and is doing nothing with it.

 

I have a hunch she just may not have expected this situation and is scared or unsure if she’s ready for a committed relationship. I wonder if she’s choosing to make no initiatives because she's scared to get involved completely and go down that road. But then at one point I said to her ’You're hard to crack and figure out. You’re a bit of a mystery to me.” She said yea but “Once you’re in, I’m awesome to be with."

 

Is it:

1) She’s just not that interested in a long term relationship in general.

2) She knows i’m invested in her so she can just take her sweet time and not put much into it because she’s thinks I won’t go anywhere. So she can take all the time in the world to figure out what she wants. Not realizing the oppossite is actually happening. I’m kind of considering dating other people now whereas I wouldn’t be if she put in some basic effort.

3) She’s just oblivious. Works a lot. Has a lot on her plate. Feeble minded?

4) She's doing everything she's supposed to be doing. I'm completely insane, overthinking things and way too over-anxious.

 

When I first got there she said “Im surprised you didn’t go to the show with your friends.” I said, “I’d rather see you. I could see a show anytime. Our schedules are so opposite that there’s only a small window of opportunity to spend time with you and get to know you.” It’s just weird that she’d be surprised. In my head I go, "Of course I’m going to choose to see you. I’m interested in you. I’m making an effort to do whatever it takes to get to know you. I’m taking the initiative. I’m asking you out, i compliment you, i hug you, i kiss you, etc. etc. Over and over. I’m trying to show you I’m a good guy and I’m different because I know you’re so skeptical. I want the same thing in a girl and you know this. So why aren’t you trying to show me anything? Not even the smallest compliment.”

 

It’s super frustrating. Yet we have a great night and she seems to really enjoy my company. She made the initiative for the first time to sit down by me and kiss me.. And on top of it… she was wearing a really suggestive outfit. She just got out of the shower when i went over and was wearing her yoga outfit…the smallest and tightest shirt and shorts possible and even goes as far as to ask me what i thought of her outfit as she sat next to me. Normally I’d think she was coming on to me but because of how confusing she is I didn’t know what to think. Plus right before she did that she said she was tired and I said I’ll let her sleep and I’ll head out. I didn’t know if this was a test to see if I was going to try to seduce her again or not. She has me so confused haha. So I just said you look comfortable. Really I wanted to say you look sexy are you teasing me? But I’m so paranoid about escalating things with her and have her push me away and mess it up. It’s confusing. I ended up leaving gave her a kiss and said lets do something again soon. I texted her later and told her I wanted to retract my statement, your outfit was sexy and I mean that in the most respectable way. she laughed and said “thanks and yes lets get together again soon.”

 

This is pretty much the gist of it. She was off last night as well but was painting her apartment with her roommate haven’t heard from her since Monday night. Not that I expected to but kind of curious if i should fall back a bit and let her reach out to me when she wants at this point.

 

What do you guys think of this stuff?

Edited August 19, 2015 by aaforever

[Imajerk17]

How did you meet this girl OP? Circle of friends, bar, grocery store....

 

A few random thoughts. Stop overanalyzing it sounds that things are going pretty well. Stop with these declarations of your interest too, you already made yourself really clear. Give her at least some time to process things. You show you're not a player by your actions *over time* too. She's 25-year-old, it's quite likely she has no idea how to "date" either. I think as long as you keep going on dates and they seem to be going well, it's all good.

Edited August 19, 2015 by Imajerk17

[losangelena]

UMM, well ...

 

First off, you DID tell her to let you know when she's settled. So you can't get annoyed at her if she didn't text you on her way home. In the future, be specific: "let me know when you're on your way home so I can head over."

 

I feel like you're thinking about all of this too much from an angle of what YOU would do.

 

YOU would let someone know ahead of time, even if their specific instructions were to "tell me know when you get settled."

 

YOU would want to spend every moment you can with someone you're getting to know.

 

YOU would compliment them, tell them what they're wearing is cool, be otherwise verbally affirming.

 

That's YOU. That's not necessarily HER.

 

Everyone shows their interest/affection differently. If I were you, I would stop focusing on all the things she doesn't do, and try and figure out the ways she DOES show these things, and either accept them as HER way of doing things, or not. Some people need to have partners who show very specific kinds of affection. If this is you, then maybe this girl isn't compatible. That's up for you to decide. But I don't think it's a wise move on your part to compliment her just so she'll pick up on the hint that you want her to compliment you. I don't think it's a signifier of relational interest, so don't focus so much on trying to get this one thing out of her.

 

My BF isn't big on giving compliments or asking about me—but he remembers everything I tell him about myself, even things I've forgotten that I've told him! When we first started dating, I had no idea what his interest level was, but I noticed that he kept bringing flowers. On every single date for a while, there were flowers. I thought, well OK, this is not what I would do, personally, but I can only interpret this as HIS way of expressing interest.

 

Her previous BF was a habitual cheater and she has a mindset that all men are players. Does that tell you something about where she's at? It sounds like she probably has major trust issues. You've been seeing her for what, less than a month? Ease up on that throttle, dude.

 

I'd say, the fact that she invited you to her place after a long day of sweaty moving says a lot—she could easily said she was too tired. The fact that she's willing to tell you sensitive things about her past says a lot.

 

And next time, when she asks you if you like her skimpy outfit, then yes that's the time you tell her how sexy she looks.

 

 

Side-note, but a related question: have you always analyzed your relationships this much? (I ask with no intended snark)

Edited August 19, 2015 by losangelena

[aaforever]

Thanks Imajerk17. I met her during the day while she was tending bar. She works at a beach resort. I started talking to her a bit and didn't really think anything of it till she told me some things I thought were impressive. She doesn't drink, she's a marine animal vet, lived around the world, well spoken, educated, attractive. She just came across different. On my way home I kind of kicked myself for not asking her out. But much like her I was over dating. I started contemplating if i should go back. The second I thought that (and this will sound cheesy but it really did happen) as I was driving on the freeway 2 seconds after I questioned if I should go back I saw a shooting star and I said ok there's my answer I'm going back lol.

I asked her out she was hesitant but accepted. And here I am...

[Versacehottie]

When I first got there she said “Im surprised you didn’t go to the show with your friends.” I said, “I’d rather see you. I could see a show anytime. Our schedules are so opposite that there’s only a small window of opportunity to spend time with you and get to know you.” It’s just weird that she’d be surprised. In my head I go, "Of course I’m going to choose to see you. I’m interested in you. I’m making an effort to do whatever it takes to get to know you. I’m taking the initiative. I’m asking you out, i compliment you, i hug you, i kiss you, etc. etc. Over and over. I’m trying to show you I’m a good guy and I’m different because I know you’re so skeptical. I want the same thing in a girl and you know this. So why aren’t you trying to show me anything? Not even the smallest compliment.”

 

 

 

What do you guys think of this stuff?

 

Night sounds like it went well. I left in the quote of your paragraph of where she was surprised that you were seeing her instead of the show? What can you take from that as far as what she is used to and where she is at with your relationship? She is basically telling you that it's surprising. To me, that indicates you are showing more of a level of investment than she imagined at this point. Either with what she is comfortable or what her previous dating experiences have been or both. It's not necessarily a bad thing as long as she is surprised and enjoying it. But it might point to an indication of you moving faster than she is used to. Just a little asterisk to manage your expectations. Which to losangelea's point, it seems like you can only see things from your point of view and what is lacking in how she gives within the relationship. Rather than just simply trying to get to know her and appreciate her for what good she is and imagine that she might move slower than you and you aren't yet a priority to her the way you have made her a priority.

 

I think she thinks you're a good guy already so now just try to have fun and relax. I wouldn't be scared about making comments about her outfit or being flirty--that's a good thing in relationships. Just a tip: stop talking about past relationships and being hurt. It's lame.

 

Some people are just not over-complimenters. Or other times it takes time for them to warm up. This could be yet another indicator of your level of investment vs hers. The good thing about these type of people is when they do compliment you it means a lot because you are positive that it's a thoughtful and genuine one. I think you should contact her next. The date went well--she didn't leave you hanging for an answer about a date like she did last time; you are at a clean slate with her. You're in the beginning stages and it's good to be the guy pursuing. I think you just want the compliments, initiating etc from her to alleviate the uncertainty you are feeling and to give you assurances. Stop trying to rush. She already showed you some steps in that direction. I think it's appropriate for the circumstances and everything sounds really positive. Just enjoy it and go with the flow. No overthinking!!

Edited August 19, 2015 by Versacehottie

[aaforever]

losangelena, Yea I've always had that problem. I feel like I go overboard to make people feel comfortable and good about themselves. Im a really compassionate person to a fault I guess. My mother is this way. She always went overboard with affection towards us. I like to compliment people and do things for them to make them happy, especially people who I know don't experience that type of attention or affection. It's just my nature. I grew up in a lower class environment where a lot of friends of mine had some really dark situations they had to deal with. I was always the one to make them feel good about themselves and help them pick themselves up. I have strong relationships because of it. When it comes to women, I tend to make sure I tell them the good qualities about them and make them feel beautiful. I don't know any other way to be. I'm really attentive, I listen and would go out of my way on the drop of a dime for someone I truly cared about. I don't care how busy I was I'd fine time because relationships are the most important thing to me. I guess my problem is I feel like if I don't get even a small nugget of that from someone who I give that side of me to, I feel like I'm not appreciated. Trust me I don't EXPECT anything in return. But overtime, I do sit and wonder if I should be going out of my way for certain people who never give it back in any form. I mean yea obviously this is something I need to work on but it's kind of hard when this way about me has been embedded for so long.

[aaforever]

Versacehottie, thank you. I'm realizing how much I suck at all of this lol. Yes the uncertainty has been alleviated. I'm going to slow it down and just have fun. I really think I've just been overly excited to meet this person and super insecure about it all. I do feel like it's a clean slate now so I'm going to make sure not to take a slower approach at this.

[losangelena]

I think you just want the compliments, initiating etc from her to alleviate the uncertainty you are feeling and to give you assurances. Stop trying to rush. She already showed you some steps in that direction. I think it's appropriate for the circumstances and everything sounds really positive. Just enjoy it and go with the flow. No overthinking!!

 

The voice of reason here. I completely agree with this.

 

Trust me I don't EXPECT anything in return. But overtime, I do sit and wonder if I should be going out of my way for certain people who never give it back in any form.

 

These two statements are contradictory. Someone who gives with NO expectation of return doesn't stop and wonder if at some point they need to stop giving. You do expect it, otherwise you would not still be questioning her, or thinking of dating other people, or saying things like this:

 

It mixes me up when I have other women texting me and being proactive who actually recognize who i am and don’t want to let me go. It’s like they are actually making a point to show me they are interested.

 

Again, this girl IS showing interest, but not in the way that you automatically interpret. It's as if you're saying, if this girl doesn't do what I need her to do in a certain amount of time, then she's getting dropped.

 

In my opinion, that kind of "drop everything" attitude is not BAD, but it should definitely be EARNED. Neither of you have earned it yet; you haven't known each other long enough.

 

I'm glad you're giving her a chance. I totally get how our past experiences play into our current relationships, but I also think flexibility and adaptability are good skills to have when getting to know someone. Put away your yard stick of what interest looks like, and just spend time with her (that's much easier said than done, I know).

[Versacehottie]

Versacehottie, thank you. I'm realizing how much I suck at all of this lol. Yes the uncertainty has been alleviated. I'm going to slow it down and just have fun. I really think I've just been overly excited to meet this person and super insecure about it all. I do feel like it's a clean slate now so I'm going to make sure not to take a slower approach at this.

 

You're welcome. I wouldn't say you suck. Sounds like you might have found someone good and you have demonstrated that you do have the qualities that will make a good, loving relationship.

 

I'm a little confused though. Your update post did have some remaining uncertainty and insecurity that remain from monday night. I just want to make sure that you pay attention to which of that is reasonable and founded and which of that is your anxiety or insecurity about getting into this relationship. That way you can manage your expectations and emotions well enough so they don't affect things with her. And that you do speak up or take action when things are unreasonable and not due to your anxiety or insecurity. And I think it's just a typo but did you mean "not" take a slower approach or do take a slower approach. Worried it might be a freudian slip haha. Just match her speed and as long as it doesn't become unreasonably slow or she is jerking you around, you should be good. Good luck `

[aaforever]

Yes it was a typo. I intend to to take a slower approach. I've just been used to the opposite my whole life. Myself and my partners have always put our cards out on the table early on, so it's hard to adapt to a different way. I've been conditioned (based on my experiences) to associate ones "initiative" as a sign that someone is "into you", excited and invested. I'm convinced she's into me but not quite sure of the excited and invested part. But... some people hold their cards closer to their chest I guess, so who knows. I'm definitely still interested, so I'll continue on with it. I think I just love that type of affection from women. I'm used to the ones who will hold your arm, run up to you and hug you. It's just a nice feeling to know you have that effect on someone and can make them happy enough for them to want to do those things. It's something I've always done on my end as well, and the back and forth is awesome.

 

I've never experienced the 'reserved' type. In the back of my head I worry that even if she does let me in and we do become exclusive, that it will be much of the same. I can't see her just switching into the type of personality I'm used to. I do fear we could be incompatible in that sense. I feel like I need that reciprocated initiative at some point. I'm hoping it will come with time. I'm hanging in there but I find my excitement level dropping. Normally I'd be trying to organize something fun to do for the next date or figure something out to surprise her with to make her feel wanted and great but I just feel like I've been doing that so much and now I want to feel that too. At least a sliver of it. Soon.

 

I got a call from a girl the other day who asked me to go to a show next weekend. I've always had a blast with her and I said yes. It just sucks because I would have said no and I've been saying no to her and other people since I've met this new one. I put everybody off because I was crazy about her. Now I'm not feeling as crazy. I feel like once I start entertaining other women, my interest level will shift. I've been trying to not let that happen but really all I want is to feel desired and EVERYONE but her makes me feel that way. Yet I'm stuck on her when in reality maybe it's a sign I shouldn't be? I feel bad because I truly think she deserves a good man. And I genuinely believe that's what she's wanted for so long. If she's hiding that side of her right now at least give me a sample of it. And why is she so confident I'm not going anywhere? If good guys are so rare and that's what you've been yearning for then why wouldn't you do something to make sure I don't go anywhere.

 

Why does a guy have to constantly knock on the door and shower a girl with affection for months on end with no effort from the other party. What makes someone like that so special? I know it's only been a month I'm just saying I don't know if I could go on months like this without a single gesture on her end. I'm sticking with it and will give it another month but if it's still the same then really if the situation's not making me happy why continue?

 

But like I said, I'm going to give it my best effort. I AM sticking with it. For a while. I'm going to keep it cool like I have been. The only difference is I'm going to see other people a chance and look at other options.

[Oregon_Dude]

Why does a guy have to constantly knock on the door and shower a girl with affection for months on end with no effort from the other party. What makes someone like that so special?

You don't HAVE to do anything. Have self-respect. Realize you're not on a two-way street. Being alone is better than feeling like you're the only one in your relationship.

 

Plus, chances are the person doing this to you only THINKS they're special, and isn't. You could be the outlier who ignores her.

[aaforever]

So, I wanted to give everyone an update. Everything has pretty much come to a head. I continued to ask her out with much of the same type of responses as last time.

 

“Hey we’re going to the beach want to come?”

I have to work on my apartment, a guy is coming to install my entertainment center. Then I have to go into work early.

"Hey let’s see a movie monday when you’re off."

We’re celebrating my old roommates birthday and going to dinner. Maybe another day this week.

"Ok, what about Tuesday?"

I may have to work Tuesday, I’m rearranging my schedule for a concert I’m going to next weekend.

 

and on and on and on…

 

I just finally said to her (in short) “I’m starting to feel like i’m over reaching. I know you’re busy but I’m trying to make the initiative to see you as much as I can around your schedule. I’m not feeling the same type of initiative from you which is making me think you’re not that interested."

 

She came back with (in short) “I don’t want you to think I’m not into you that’s not the case. I literally have no life I work and sleep. I think you’re amazing, you proved that etc. etc. I do want a relationship and I’m not scared to have one but I literally don’t think I have time for one right now… and I don’t want you to wait around for me. It’s not fair to you.”

 

I came back with (in short) “I think it comes down to do you want to try to make it work? I truly believe if a woman is interested in a man, she finds a way to make time for him. When there’s always other people, some event, some commitment that’s taking up more of a woman time, it s a sign to me that I’m not that high on her priority list. As far as “waiting”... I’m willing to do whatever it takes to find the time to continue to explore this without it getting in the way of your career or personal pursuits but we have to both genuinely want to. It’s a two way street. I don’t want this to slip because of a schedule conflict. We can work together to find time. It’s really up to you. If you decide you’re interested in continuing, great. If not, no hard feelings. Let me know.”

 

That was late sat. night. I haven’t gotten a response since.

[smackie9]

No s*&% Sherlock. She gently told you to move on and yet you pretty much passive/aggressively told her off.

[psiblast]

aaforever - I feel your anxiety man. I'm more or less in the same boat as you with a girl I've been dating for 3 weeks. I won't go into it and hijack your thread though.

 

Anyway, I just spent the past hour reading through this thread. Some really great advice here.

 

It seems that you sort of derailed yourself though. What happened to keeping it light and fun? That last exchange put all kinds of pressure on her.

[smackie9]

What you should have said "OK I can respect that. I wish things could have turned out differently, but that's life, you take care".

[UltimaWeapon]

She can go to a concert on the weekend? but when it comes time for you she keeps blowing you off? I am in a similar situation bro- she just does not want to make time or effort at this point- just back off completely.

 

she is probably seeing someone else- that would explain the hot and cold behavior

 

the fact she couldn't reply to ur last message shows that she just does not want to be upfront with how she feels- u should have just said okay no problem. take care..and cut her off

 

she is not worth ur effort anymore

 

the whole - I don't have time for a rel. now is BS

 

After the first few dates- the woman should be doing all the texting and pursuing- if her interest level is high enough,.. it should just be date after date till she brings up the being in a relationship talk. You really don't have to put in any work other than setting up dates/times and seeing them in person - they make it easy when they are into you

 

The fact that you are the one continuing to pursue- is pushing her away- I hate how that works but that's attraction for you

 

Back off- if she contacts you- reply with " hey its great hearing from you, when are you free to get together?"

 

Assume when and if she contacts you she wants to see you- you ask when she is free- if she flops again just reply back with.

 

" Allright. let me know if you change your mind. I gotta get going. Take care"

Edited August 24, 2015 by UltimaWeapon