Taking it slow or not really interested?

[aaforever]

So I met this girl. I’ve been dating her for three weeks. I think she’s amazing. We started making out during our second date. On our third date, I offered to make her dinner at my place. She came over and we had a great night. I learned a lot about her. We both had bad prior relationships and prior to meeting each other both gave up on dating all together. I told her I had a gut feeling about her when I met her and decided to pursue her. She said she never gives her number out anymore but could tell I was genuine and different. She said she was glad she did and that she could tell early on I was special. We made out, I started to escalate things but she didn’t let my hand wander too far. She didn’t stop making out or stop me abruptly she just kept a bit guarded. I told her I can see that you’re cautious. She said she was. I told her I respected that and it actually makes me happy. I thought it was a good sign. I told her I don’t ever want to put her in a situation where she’s uncomfortable and have no problem taking it slow and going at her own pace until she feels comfortable. She was super appreciative of that. Her main thing was that she’d routinely meet guys who start out to be great then end up being fake or complete jerks who screw her over. She also told me about how her father screwed her mom over when she was younger and they no longer have a relationship because of it. I suspect she has trust issues with men because of this as well.

 

I think there’s real potential here for something long term (at least on my end) but I am concerned that I’m over reaching a bit. This is why… I understand her wanting to be cautious but (and I could be overanalyzing this) I find myself initiating nearly every aspect of the relationship. Like almost everything.

 

If we make out, I’m always the one to initiate. The same with holding hands, putting my arm around her, complementing her and any other forms of affection. She never pulls away or shows resistance. She always embraces it and reciprocates it after I initiate and seems to genuinely enjoy it but wonder why I’m always the one to initiate everything. I’m usually the first one to text her also. She doesn’t really text unless I initiate it. She HAS though out of the blue said hi, wished me a good day or good night etc. here and there but I find that I’m always asking her out for the next date or asking how she is first. In conversation, I’m usually the one to ask about herself too. Once I do, she opens up. She doesn’t really ask me any questions about me unless I’m asking about her. Is this normal? She’s never given me a sign that she’s disinterested but I’ve yet to experience a gesture from her that she has initiated that makes me feel desired.

 

In conclusion, I don’t want to pressure her and I don’t want to bring it up because I don’t want to mess things up and get emotional or put her on the spot. I’m trying to let things flow naturally and see what comes of this. But I feel like if I don’t push things forward or initiate things it won’t go anywhere. I texted her last night and asked how work was going. I then said... "don’t hesitate to say hi. It’s never too much. I like hearing from you. Have a goodnight…” she said "Ok! I won’t ” That’s the only time I’ve hinted at the initiation thing.

 

My question is... do I wait for her to text me now? Do I ask her out again or do I wait for her to ask this time? Also at what point do I open up to her and ask her if she sees potential with me or if she has any reservations or do I not bring that up? I guess I’m just a bit insecure. I worry that she’s unsure about me or she’s not ready to get into a relationship. I guess I’m looking for that one gesture from her that makes me feel like she’s really into me. Yes she said she thought I was special but my insecurities tell me that she was just saying something nice because I said something nice. I don’t want to pursue someone who is just leading me on, going through the motions or just not know how to let down a nice guy. Is there a chance that may be true or am I over reacting? What do you guys think?

 

I will say, in my previous relationship, I dealt with someone who lied for years about her feelings, so I too have a sense of trust issues. I guess I have a hard time taking what people say for face value all the time.

 

She’s 25. I’m 33. I was in a 7 year relationship a year ago prior. The longest she’s been with someone was 1 year and a half.

 

Thanks.

[usernametaken]

From what you've posted, it seems like she may be a little bit reserved and anxious around you and is more comfortable with you taking the lead. Part of this may be due to the age difference. While not significant, it's not nothing.

 

If you're comfortable with that role, and she's receptive to your advances, I don't see a problem. She will probably become a little more open and affectionate with time.

[aaforever]

Hey thanks for responding. Much appreciated. I am comfortable with that role and have no problem giving it time. She's worth it. I guess I'm just anxious for her to let her guard down (if that's the case).

[losangelena]

This is a tricky one.

 

I totally understand that you want a overture of interest on her part, not simple reciprocation, especially after your history with your ex. I dated a guy for a little while last year who was divorced, and his ex-wife announced she wanted to separate by telling him she'd never actually loved him. Ouch! Talk about making a guy gun-shy.

 

Anyway, I get it, but ... it's been three weeks. Keep in mind that, for better or worse, women are SOCIETALLY CONDITIONED to not initiate in the beginning. She may be VERY into you, but every piece of dating advice she's ever come across has told her to sit back and let you do the work in the beginning. Women generally relax and begin initiating once sex has been had and you're into exclusivity. I would not expect it before then. It may not be true, but woman have been told over and over that expressing interest or initiating can "scare off" men, so they don't do it. Maybe she would if you specifically ask her to—"I like it when you initiate," but otherwise no.

 

Some women will want exclusivity before sex. Since y'all are tip-toeing that line, you might have a rather productive conversation if you bring it up sometime soon. She is probably waiting for you to do so. At that point, you can surmise if she likes you "enough;" chances are a woman won't sleep with you if she's not keen to.

 

I would ask her out again. Especially since she stopped you from escalating physically last time, she could very well be wondering if you just wanted sex, and are staying silent because she didn't give it up. I don't think it's too early to bring up a "do you see potential" convo, especially not since you're about to fall off the sex cliff.

[aaforever]

losangelena, this is great. This really puts it into perspective for me. Thank you

[xcupid]

She's going to be tentative until she gets to know you and trusts you. You will have to initiate things. So you will have to ask her out. Don't be surprised if she doesn't initiate things and don't overthink that. As long as she is agreeable to dating you and being with you that's a good sign.

 

She will probably hold off on sex for a while because of her past bad experiences. You will have to be patient with that. She will expect exclusivity and monogamy when it comes to sex, I would think. Nothing wrong with that. That's the way it should be.

 

You're very early in the dating process here. The key here is to initiate things, be patient, build trust, and don't rush things. Good luck.

[aaforever]

xcupid, thank you!

[aaforever]

Update:

 

So I ended up asking her out again.

I asked her if she wanted to go see a show Monday night.

I also said, "either way I'd love to see you again."

And joked, "that is of course if you're not over me by now!"

Her answer was, "Sounds like fun. I might be down for that."

I said: "Ok. Let me know and I'll buy tickets."

She told me she was going out tonight after work for a friends birthday.

I said "Cool. Have fun tonight. Text me later…"

 

I just left it at that. I'll probably back off a bit now and let her text me when she wants. I would think she would have given me more of a "Sure I'd love to go" or even asked if I wanted to come out tonight if she really wanted to see me rather than just saying "she might be down."

 

Again, overanalyzing maybe. I understand that I need to continue to take the lead but I'm starting to feel like I'm over reaching. I kind of feel like the only one trying to make an impression on her whereas she is kind of just being lackadaisical about it.

 

 

By making jokes like "that is of course if you're not over me by now!" or telling her "don't hesitate to say hi. It's never too much." it has to be obvious to her that I'm confused about how she feels about me. She kind of just skips over it when it's hinted. If the roles were reversed and she told me to "text her later" I wouldn't care what I was doing tonight I would make it a point to text her because I'm trying to make a good impression on her and show her I'm interested and thinking about her no matter if im with friends or not. At least in the beginning, since there is so much uncertainty. I just kind of have a feeling she won't tonight.

 

All in all, if she doesn't end up going to the show with me, I'll just take it as a hint that she's not that into me. Whether she goes or not, I feel like it would be the right time to drop the question and ask her straight out if she sees potential with us. That way I can find the answer once and for all rather than trying to translate all of these mixed signals. Honestly, I have a bad feeling in my gut about it that I can't control. I'm really head over heels for her and hope she feels the same way but I'm starting to doubt it.

 

You guys think this is the right approach or outlook at this point?

[Qboro90]

I think you are coming on way to strong after only 3 weeks. You've only gone on a handful of dates so you are rushing was to fast into "where is this going?" "I want to be exclusive and make you my gf". I understand that you like this girl a lot and want to have her as your gf but your over doing it and it's eventually going to push her away completely. The initiating concerns you had are also over thought. In my experience 99% of girls are just comfortable/used to/conditioned to have the guy initiate contact/dates/physicality for up to 6 months or until the girl feels really safe and comfortable around you. She's not at that point yet, don't take it personally or think that it means she's not into you.

 

Also, you should definitely stop inserting little quips like "that's only if you still like me haha" when you text her. The only thing that does is show her your insecurities. That's not attractive, and after 3 weeks she's probably thinking "jeez this guy is really clingy and needs validation after I've only seen him on 5 dates? Wtf". If you want to ensure success for a day to see her then ask her to hang out on a Friday or weekend. Week nights aren't usually the best nights to get together. And chill with the "id love to see you". You're showing too much of your hand too early on. Girls like there to be a little bit of mystery around the guy their seeing... At least early on. What is there to motivate her to keep seeing you and getting to know you if she already knows she's won you over and you're in the palm of her hand. You can follow up with her later in the week and see if she wants to hang out over the weekend but if she doesn't reply then you might want to give her a week or so before you try again.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are coming on way to strong after only 3 weeks. You've only gone on a handful of dates so you are rushing was to fast into "where is this going?" "I want to be exclusive and make you my gf". I understand that you like this girl a lot and want to have her as your gf but your over doing it and it's eventually going to push her away completely. The initiating concerns you had are also over thought. In my experience 99% of girls are just comfortable/used to/conditioned to have the guy initiate contact/dates/physicality for up to 6 months or until the girl feels really safe and comfortable around you. She's not at that point yet, don't take it personally or think that it means she's not into you.

 

Also, you should definitely stop inserting little quips like "that's only if you still like me haha" when you text her. The only thing that does is show her your insecurities. That's not attractive, and after 3 weeks she's probably thinking "jeez this guy is really clingy and needs validation after I've only seen him on 5 dates? Wtf". If you want to ensure success for a day to see her then ask her to hang out on a Friday or weekend. Week nights aren't usually the best nights to get together. And chill with the "id love to see you". You're showing too much of your hand too early on. Girls like there to be a little bit of mystery around the guy their seeing... At least early on. What is there to motivate her to keep seeing you and getting to know you if she already knows she's won you over and you're in the palm of her hand. You can follow up with her later in the week and see if she wants to hang out over the weekend but if she doesn't reply then you might want to give her a week or so before you try again.

 

I agree with all of this (34, female here)

 

Play it a bit cooler, OP. It's only been 3 weeks. As a younger woman, I often let the man take the lead and it didn't mean I wasn't into him. She sounds naturally reserved and it may just take time for her to really open up. It's probably nothing personal.

[Versacehottie]

Ok here's what I see when I read your posts (apart from a lot of great advice you have also been given). First, her initiating and you guys going on your next date are two separate issues. You are intertwining them and overthinking stuff. Like a lot have said girls are conditioned (a lot of us) to be receptive but not necessarily initiate. Think baby steps. She might start initiating with you about texting or affection but sounds like you are going to have to take the lead as far as asking for dates. Losangelena is totally right. It's all we hear and read that you need to let a guy take the lead so most of us default to that so we don't mess up. Plus to be honest, in my experience, that matches success with relationships most of the time, when the guy is pursuing. So treat these as two separate things. You want to date her, keep asking her on dates. If you want her to initiate more, what you said about feel free to reach out or whatever is the right theme.

 

Secondly both with that statement about telling her to reach out and what you said to her when you were asking her out. Oh no! Seriously, is it just me? I can hear your insecurity right through it. And that's never a good thing. You are wording things too passive and insecure. If you're going to take the risk anyway, just take it. Tell her directly: you would love it if she texted you sometimes. No statements where you put yourself down or show that you're not sure about her interest. That's not attractive and will often turn someone who likes you into someone who is not that into you. Be bold. Be a guy. It's what makes you guys different from us and what attracts us to you. If you're going to get rejected, it sounds and looks the same no matter what you did up until that point so you might as well act confident and as if the relationship is headed in a positive direction. Hedging will only hurt your chances by making you sound weak and exposing your insecurity.

 

In your case, I would ask for another date. Don't get all wishy-washy about it. Have something specific in mind. And don't drop the ball or get all scared and back off when she says she has something planned for the day you suggested. A confident guy, would have said well what day is better then? Not retreat into his cave and say I'm going let her contact me. That advice is fine when someone has been jerking you around. This is one example of a schedule conflict and your worries of her interest level running the show and overshadowing everything. Keep those ideas separate in your head. Ask out like the answer will be yes and it's just a matter of scheduling. Interest level sounded good to begin with but it might be fading. However, if you want to have your best chance, put your best dating effort in, don't start acting out of fear and expect it to go well. Or you will reinforce your negative beliefs about yourself. Your first date sounded great. Don't let insecurity start taking over what was a good thing. You can't control the other person. Put your best in, act confident and see what happens. It's your best chance at a good outcome. Worrying will only potentially affect the outcome negatively, not help you figure out this perfect path to get the girl. Good luck

[aaforever]

Versacehottie, first of all thank you so much for taking the time to write that. This helped immensely. I've had a lot of time to think and my gut is telling me that you are correct, the interest she has for me is fading. Solely based on me being too forward. I looked back at a lot of the things I've said to her and realize that I've made more than a few of those "quips". There's been a lot of 'miss you's, glad i met you, you're beautiful, would love to see you again, text me anytime etc.' Even though the responses I'd get are always 'aww you're so sweet.' My gut is still telling me the interest is fading solely because of this. I was going to ask her out again but now there's a part of me that wants to take a break and wait a bit. I'm so paranoid about being so forward now that I'm having reservations about asking her out again so soon.

 

There's a huge part of me that wants to put it out on the table for her and tell her that I recognize how forward I've been and how unaware of it I've been. I want to do this because I know it's a major red flag in her head and I want her to know that I know. Honestly, the reason I've been this way is because when she told me about her bad experiences and the trust issues she has with men I wanted to show her that I was a good guy by being open about my feelings, showing I genuinely cared about her, putting the focus on her, touching base with her a lot and just basically putting more effort into things than maybe most guys do. I just wanted to show that I was different from the rest, that I'm safe and give her a glimpse of how caring I can be (obviously not realizing that I may have been smothering her.) All of my past experiences with women have been the opposite, they are usually the forward ones. Constantly texting, saying hi, miss you, asking me out. etc. So honestly, this is new to me. So I'm not good at it, obviously. Maybe I don't know how to handle this because I've never come in contact with someone like her (reserved, cautious, independent etc.). I truly believe she had a strong interest in me in the beginning but I don't want me being forward and not knowing how to play this properly be the reason she'd turn away something that could have been great, especially when she told me I seemed special early on.

 

If I had the opportunity to pump the brakes and start over I would. But I fear it may be too late. Would it be self sabotaging to convey all of this stuff to her? Or would it put her mind at ease to know that I'm aware of it and want to slow down. I feel like she's already labeled me in her head as 'too forward, slightly insecure and potentially clingy." Once a woman defines you as this and is turned off, is there anyway to turn it around and turn her back on or is there no turning back?

[aaforever]

Versacehottie, first of all thank you so much for taking the time to write that. This helped immensely. I've had a lot of time to think and my gut is telling me that you are correct, the interest she has for me is fading. Solely based on me being too forward. I looked back at a lot of the things I've said to her and realize that I've made more than a few of those "quips". There's been a lot of 'miss you's, glad i met you, you're beautiful, would love to see you again, text me anytime etc.' Even though the responses I'd get are always 'aww you're so sweet.' My gut is still telling me the interest is fading solely because of this. I was going to ask her out again but now there's a part of me that wants to take a break and wait a bit. The show's tomorrow and she still hasn't committed. So I know somethings up. I'm so paranoid about being so forward now that pushing the issue about the show to her seems like a bad move at this point.

 

There's a huge part of me that wants to put it out on the table for her and tell her that I recognize how forward I've been and how unaware of it I've been. I want to do this because I know it's a major red flag in her head and I want her to know that I know. Honestly, the reason I've been this way is because when she told me about her bad experiences and the trust issues she has with men I wanted to show her that I was a good guy by being open about my feelings, showing I genuinely cared about her, putting the focus on her, touching base with her a lot and just basically putting more effort into things than maybe most guys do. I just wanted to show that I was different from the rest, that I'm safe and give her a glimpse of how caring I can be (obviously not realizing that I may have been smothering her.) All of my past experiences with women have been the opposite, they are usually the forward ones. Constantly texting, saying hi, miss you, asking me out. etc. So honestly, this is new to me. So I'm not good at it, obviously. Maybe I don't know how to handle this because I've never come in contact with someone like her (reserved, cautious, independent etc.). I truly believe she had a strong interest in me in the beginning but I don't want me being forward and not knowing how to play this properly be the reason she'd turn away something that could have been great, especially when she told me I seemed special early on.

 

If I had the opportunity to pump the brakes and start over I would. But I fear it may be too late. Would it be self sabotaging to convey all of this stuff to her? Or would it put her mind at ease to know that I'm aware of it and want to slow down. I feel like she's already labeled me in her head as 'too forward, slightly insecure and potentially clingy." Once a woman defines you as this and is turned off, is there anyway to turn it around and turn her back on or is there no turning back?

[Versacehottie]

Forward with confidence is not bad at all. Forward with insecurity comes off as clingy. You can back off and see if you can reset the vibe. Putting someone on a pedestal in order to make them feel comfortable often backfires because guess what then they are "up here" and you are "down there". I don't think it would be smart to come clean with all of your feelings that IMO is going to come of as a clingy Hail Mary. I think the first order of business is to restore balance, where things are not so one sided and she can see that you also have self-respect. That's when she will start consider if she has hurt your feelings or driven you away with her actions and will see that you care about yourself enough/have enough self-respect not to be mistreated or hold onto a relationship just to be with someone.

 

I think it's possible if you did forward with confidence which is basically what I recommended in my first post it may be took soon or she will not see it for what it is now that I know you showered her with all those compliments and reassurance. So you could pull back and try to reset like I'm recommending here. If she reaches out, THEN let her say her piece and say something like oh good to hear from you and THEN ask out with confidence. Like she is a nice surprise and you have your own life and aren't pining over her but you are still interested and not tied down yet. Make sense?

 

I guess you can post more of your pros and cons about doing either. Whatever you do, don't act out of fear and impatience!! That's a backfire. Do what you think will show the most confidence and self-respect within your particular relationship to her. A lot of times on here I will see guys say, I just want to know! (impatience) and it usually backfires. Or a lot of people will tell you "she isn't into you, of course" so you will believe them and act out of fear. It's ridiculous; you have the best knowledge of both yourself and your thing with her so assess it without overthinking it and choose which of those scenarios makes you look most confident. And remember this for the next time--it applies to lots of life situations <3

[smackie9]

The question you should be asking yourself is....how long are you willing to wait to see if things change?

 

 

I know everyone is different....but for me I had to dump guys that were not up to speed with me emotionally.

[aaforever]

Versacehottie, again, thank you. I'm working on resetting the vibe. Although, I noticed she has started to text me more out of the blue since I hinted at it to her. So, I can tell there's still interest here. But I think I need to slow it down and not seem so available. Again, she hasn't mentioned the show tomorrow after I told her to let me know so I can get tickets. I'm just going to treat it as such and not bring it up. I suspect there may be a chance she contacts me tomorrow about it but there's a part of me that wants to use this opportunity to "restore balance" by saying something along the lines of "Oh, I wasn't sure if you wanted to go. I ended up making plans with my friend. Take a rain check?" or "hang out tomorrow?" Not sure if this would be the right angle but I feel like I need to say something that will get the point across that i'm not waiting around and that I have other stuff going on in an attempt to take her off that pedestal I've had her on. What do you think?

[Qboro90]

You trying to "restore balance" is just manufactured and serves no purpose. You actually have no idea if she thinks you're being "too forward" so don't assume that you know that is a fact at all. She asked you about going to the show Friday so if she tells you tomorrow that she has tickets and then you tell her you made other plans then you seem like like a real ******* because you told her you were down to go. Especial if she buys the tickets, then she's spending money and you're flaking out simply because it will make you feel like you took her off the pedestal that you put her on to begin with.

 

Seriously just stop thinking about such little things so much. She's into you, you're into her. That's all there is to know and care about. Stop inserting those insecure quips and trying to reverse psychology her into a reaction to addressing it.

[aaforever]

smackie9, great question. I'm willing to wait this out and give her time. How long I'm not sure. If I continue to go on successful dates with her and months pass with much of the same, I will have to put it out on the table and tell her what I'm looking for in a partner, put all my cards on the table and leave it in her hands and move on. Hopefully, it will give her time to think about it forcing her to make a move or it could push her away, which at that point I'd be able to accept because I'm sure her lack of emotion would have pushed me away by then anyway. However, I truly believe there will be a moment where she'll feel comfortable enough to open up more and let me in. I really think I need to build an enormous amount of trust with this person first before she does though. I do hope that's she's not so traumatized from her past experiences that she's not even capable of opening up emotionally anymore (if that's possible) but I'm willing to wait and find out.

[aaforever]

Qboro, you're totally right. I don't know if she thinks I'm too forward. I'm assuming. Which I'm going to stop doing.

 

As far as the show… I asked her if she wanted to go to it. She didn't ask me. I just asked her to let me know if she wants to go and I'll buy tickets. I didn't get a response. I doubt she'll buy tickets for it. But… if she actually did go out of her way and do that, the last thing I would do is reject her. I would absolutely go. It would really clear all the doubt I had in my head about her not being into me.

 

All I was saying is I wasn't going to bring it up and ask her again if she wanted to go. If she hit me up tomorrow and said she wants to go. I'd go. But I'm just trying not to be pesty and seem like I'm waiting around for her.

[Versacehottie]

You trying to "restore balance" is just manufactured and serves no purpose. You actually have no idea if she thinks you're being "too forward" so don't assume that you know that is a fact at all. She asked you about going to the show Friday so if she tells you tomorrow that she has tickets and then you tell her you made other plans then you seem like like a real ******* because you told her you were down to go. Especial if she buys the tickets, then she's spending money and you're flaking out simply because it will make you feel like you took her off the pedestal that you put her on to begin with.

 

Seriously just stop thinking about such little things so much. She's into you, you're into her. That's all there is to know and care about. Stop inserting those insecure quips and trying to reverse psychology her into a reaction to addressing it.

 

I actually agree with your thoughts Oboro a lot of the time. Not this one though about restoring balance. Hmmmm, this thoughtful girl who has been hurt before and wants someone to treat her good, barely any time into it with OP, hasn't even responded to his offer to take her to a show that require tickets. She thinks she's better than him in some way. That somehow he is not deserving of an answer. Doubt she would do that with her dream guy even if there was a schedule conflict. She would be considerate and let the person know. It's not a game in the sense it IS what needs to be done. It is a game in that there are two opposing urges in the OP's head and logic needs to win out in this case. He needs to pull back not make himself a doormat if he is to have a real chance with her. He can't keep coming at her like a freight train and expect it to go well. It's desperate when you are acting like that in the face of action not reciprocating and little respect.

 

I do totally agree though about the show. As jerky as it will be if she comes back last minute like you have the show all lined up, don't say you are going with someone else. Just say the truth that you hadn't heard back from her so you hadn't organized anything. If being spontaneous is you and it's possible, tell her you will try to get the tickets. If you can't, make arrangements for something else. If it's not or you feel like it will be too clingy, just tell her you didn't organize because she didn't get back to you but that you'd love to see her later in the week. I think it will be an obvious and transparent move to say you have other plans, with someone else. If it's possible that's it's a miscommunication, which happens, own up to it and apologize for your end of it. You want to put the focus back on her that she needs to live up to her end of the relationship (ie get back to you about show) and not jerk you around. You don't teach that lesson by being a jerk yourself. You act noble; hold her to the same standard. We already talked about not overthinking too much. What I'm saying to do is similar to how you would conduct a business meeting or friends--anything where you want to show self-respect and teach someone how to treat you. You don't get what you want romantically by lowering your personal standards of how you want to be treated. You can communicate more and more in depth than you would in a business situation or with friends. But same as in the other areas of life if you become a doormat, you are fu*ked.

Edited August 17, 2015 by Versacehottie

[Qboro90]

I actually agree with your thoughts Oboro a lot of the time. Not this one though about restoring balance. Hmmmm, this thoughtful girl who has been hurt before and wants someone to treat her good, barely any time into it with OP, hasn't even responded to his offer to take her to a show that require tickets. She thinks she's better than him in some way. That somehow he is not deserving of an answer. Doubt she would do that with her dream guy even if there was a schedule conflict. She would be considerate and let the person know. It's not a game in the sense it IS what needs to be done. It is a game in that there are two opposing urges in the OP's head and logic needs to win out in this case. He needs to pull back not make himself a doormat if he is to have a real chance with her. He can't keep coming at her like a freight train and expect it to go well. It's desperate when you are acting like that in the face of action not reciprocating and little respect.

 

I do totally agree though about the show. As jerky as it will be if she comes back last minute like you have the show all lined up, don't say you are going with someone else. Just say the truth that you hadn't heard back from her so you hadn't organized anything. If being spontaneous is you and it's possible, tell her you will try to get the tickets. If you can't, make arrangements for something else. If it's not or you feel like it will be too clingy, just tell her you didn't organize because she didn't get back to you but that you'd love to see her later in the week. I think it will be an obvious and transparent move to say you have other plans, with someone else. If it's possible that's it's a miscommunication, which happens, own up to it and apologize for your end of it. You want to put the focus back on her that she needs to live up to her end of the relationship (ie get back to you about show) and not jerk you around. You don't teach that lesson by being a jerk yourself. You act noble; hold her to the same standard. We already talked about not overthinking too much. What I'm saying to do is similar to how you would conduct a business meeting or friends--anything where you want to show self-respect and teach someone how to treat you. You don't get what you want romantically by lowering your personal standards of how you want to be treated. You can communicate more and more in depth than you would in a business situation or with friends. But same as in the other areas of life if you become a doormat, you are fu*ked.

 

 

 

In the most respectful way possible Versace, how can you be sure or confident enough to say what this girl is thinking of her attitude towards him and the date/overall contact is as negative as you suggest? Saying that she thinks she's better than him and doesn't deserve an answer is a bit harsh I think. And that if he was her dream guy she wouldn't act like that. I think that just because that's the way You would act around a guy you like or dream guy, doesn't necessarily mean that this girl is the same way at all. There's a good chance she's just thinking "yea I like him, down to hang out again" and that is all there is too it. I doubt it's a respect thing. The fact that she and him kissed and texted/talked the following days shows she has some heart and isn't a cold hearted woman.

 

She's also 25 so he asked her out to a show on Monday. I can totally see how and why she said "yea I may be down for that"..... If she did other things on the weekend and maybe went out Saturday and had a few drinks or was out late, or on Sunday she ran around a lot and was tired then has to go into work Monday... She might just not be thrilled to have to go out and get dolled up and stay out till 1030/11 pm after the day of work she had and the tiring weekend. Hence the "might be down". She might be feeling up to it and Tuesday is a slow day for her either at work or whatever she does so she's down to go. If it feels like more of a task she has to do then why make him buy the tickets and do it if she's knows she won't be the best date that night. That's respectful if you ask me.

 

Fact is that either of our suggestions might be right, or they might be completely wrong. We don't know this girl. Even he barely knows her so for us to tell him that she is doing this because she's _____ or because she's thinking _____. I think that would do him a disservice and get him to think things that may not be the case at all. It would be different if the signals she was giving him and the contact was more readable and clearly standoffish or rude. It's not tho so I'm hesitant to tell him to start playing games in order to get control back.

 

If he really wants to find out about the show then send her a text either the day before the show or that Monday around lunchtime with a "hey, never really got a definite answer about the show tonight.... Something you wanna do or did you have a hectic weekend? If you wanna just meet up Later in the week for drinks that's fine just let me know." And leave it at that.

[Versacehottie]

In the most respectful way possible Versace, how can you be sure or confident enough to say what this girl is thinking of her attitude towards him and the date/overall contact is as negative as you suggest? Saying that she thinks she's better than him and doesn't deserve an answer is a bit harsh I think. And that if he was her dream guy she wouldn't act like that. I think that just because that's the way You would act around a guy you like or dream guy, doesn't necessarily mean that this girl is the same way at all. There's a good chance she's just thinking "yea I like him, down to hang out again" and that is all there is too it. I doubt it's a respect thing. The fact that she and him kissed and texted/talked the following days shows she has some heart and isn't a cold hearted woman.

 

She's also 25 so he asked her out to a show on Monday. I can totally see how and why she said "yea I may be down for that"..... If she did other things on the weekend and maybe went out Saturday and had a few drinks or was out late, or on Sunday she ran around a lot and was tired then has to go into work Monday... She might just not be thrilled to have to go out and get dolled up and stay out till 1030/11 pm after the day of work she had and the tiring weekend. Hence the "might be down". She might be feeling up to it and Tuesday is a slow day for her either at work or whatever she does so she's down to go. If it feels like more of a task she has to do then why make him buy the tickets and do it if she's knows she won't be the best date that night. That's respectful if you ask me.

 

Fact is that either of our suggestions might be right, or they might be completely wrong. We don't know this girl. Even he barely knows her so for us to tell him that she is doing this because she's _____ or because she's thinking _____. I think that would do him a disservice and get him to think things that may not be the case at all. It would be different if the signals she was giving him and the contact was more readable and clearly standoffish or rude. It's not tho so I'm hesitant to tell him to start playing games in order to get control back.

 

If he really wants to find out about the show then send her a text either the day before the show or that Monday around lunchtime with a "hey, never really got a definite answer about the show tonight.... Something you wanna do or did you have a hectic weekend? If you wanna just meet up Later in the week for drinks that's fine just let me know." And leave it at that.

 

Ok, fair enough. I'm the first to say that no one here has a crystal ball. I don't know the outcome or the operation of her mind (though I have some ideas about that). I'm trying to help OP get the outcome he wants. Let's boil it down to the simplest of things: she has not responded to his offer of a date. Without reading any reasons into other than one: going on this date is not a priority for her. That's it. I forgot without scrolling back to his original post how many days ago he asked her but oft quoted: it takes 2 secs to send a text applies here. It doesn't mean it's over at all. I'm just saying if he allows or ignores that she is doing stuff like this even something small he is putting a pattern in place. If it's just a misunderstanding or she "forgot", that can be sorted out when she remembers and gets back to him. It's very simple. I do stand by that anything you are into doing and people you want to go on dates with you don't usually forget or miss getting back to them after a period of days. Doesn't even have to be a dream guy. I wasn't even doing it based on just my experience but all the girls I know. She doesn't have to go if she will be too tired but it's normal to answer the question.

 

Again, I don't think it's playing games to let her do what she said she would do: get back to him. And I think it's kinda rude not to have done it already. Simple. Maybe she just has bad manners but really likes him.

 

I think people should look at the long game. Their impatience gets the best of them. So what if they don't go to the show tomorrow? If her interest is pique'd because he is not acting like a doormat or coddling her and it benefits the relationship in the long run, which could be as soon as later in the week--even the next day.

 

I don't totally disagree with approaching her another time exactly as you have phrased it but it wouldn't be my top suggestion. I think OP has already worried that he has been too forward, too much in pursuit which is the POV my advice is coming off of. I'm going off of the info he gave us. So I still think he should let her contact him.

[Qboro90]

I'm also keeping in mind that they've been on less than 5 dates at this point. While we know he's Into her and wants to move forward we don't know if she has made a decision yet as to whether or not she wants to date him or make this more serious. If he told us that he called her out and put her in her place for not responding to his text about the play and then said he told her never to contact him again what would you say? I'd say that that was way to much and an awful move because he had no right to say that to her. She's not his Gf, she's not his anything other than a girl he kissed briefly and took out a couple times.

 

He can wait till she reaches out and just forget about the Monday play, no big deal. He can text her like I suggested previously and find out, again no big deal. At this point he can take the lead and decide how much he wants to pursue her. If it's a girl he really likes then I think it's worth it to try and spend time with her. The only things that's gonna happen if he waits and gives her space is that she will forget that they had a good time together and just move on without much thought. I agree that he can't be super forward and ask her out about another date if she tells him no to the Monday play. That'd be desperate.

 

If you can get her on the phone instead of texting I think that's your best shot. "Hey sorry I'm swamped with work today, are u free later if I call when I get out?" Can do that. Much easier to gauge her feelings and mood that way instead of text.

[aaforever]

Thanks both of you for your suggestions and analysis of this. Let me mention that she is off Monday's and Tuesday's. She works weekends. I also failed to mention we've been kissing since the second date up until the last time I seen her. The last time I seen her was briefly at her place. I stopped over before going out one night with some friends. This was after the time I made her dinner at my place, when she was cautious about things escalating too far physically. We still kissed after that, so nothing changed there. Her vibe when we hang out has stayed consistent.

 

She texted me today asking how my weekend was. We had a little back and forth… nothing about the show. I'm still going to let her contact me tomorrow. I put it out on the table for her friday about the show… if she wants to see me she can but she needs to let me know. I'm honestly just curious to see how she reacts on her own. I think it will give me a lot of answers about her interest level since that's something she's not willing to convey to me verbally. f she goes through her "weekend" without seeing me and says nothing about it, it will say a lot to me. If she does ask about the show or ask me to hang out that will also say a lot to me as well. It will ultimately help me decide if I want to continue to pursue someone who's not that into me, if that ends up being the case. It may be a risk but I'm willing to take it to get a clearer picture.

 

I do find it a bit rude and kind of a turn off that she didn't respond to me asking her out. My own interest level in her has actually gone down a notch because of it. If she forgot that's one thing and I'm sure the conversation will come up naturally at some point where I could find out if that was the case. But for now my gut is telling me to stop pursuing her so hard. So tomorrow I'm just going to get on with my day, wait it out and see what her move is. I'm not going to coddle her. I asked her out. She hasn't committed, so instead of asking if she wants to go again I'm going to just see what happens if I don't. I'll decide based on our next interactions when or if I want to ask her out again. I'm sure I'll get a clearer picture tomorrow…

[Versacehottie]

[quote=Qboro90;6496844 If he told us that he called her out and put her in her place for not responding to his text about the play and then said he told her never to contact him again what would you say? I'd say that that was way to much and an awful move because he had no right to say that to her. She's not his Gf, she's not his anything other than a girl he kissed briefly and took out a couple times.

 

 

I would say he was being uptight, pushy, paranoid and desperate. That has was too invested and it was showing to her that he can't control his emotions and was overly into her and clingy. That's the same theme as why I recommended waiting until she contacts him. No better way to demonstrate to someone that you are not clingy, can control things and keep things in perspective. While I think you were just hypothesizing, nothing he has said has suggested he would do this or is overly emotional. Excited and invested, yes. That happens to a lot of people and often gets the reaction he is getting from her: where they don't see the value in the person because of the eagerness. So the rec is dialing back the eagerness. His message is not getting across the way it should be and not getting the reaction it should be: mutual excitement. So he should adjust his message.

 

All the reasons why you are giving that it would be ok for her to not have answered and explain her perspective are probably the way he should be acting as well to show their relationship is balanced. Since he is a little more eager, it would seem, he has to fake bringing his eagerness down until he makes it so or she sees the other parts of his message: that he's a good guy. If someone is not ready to go as fast and fall into it as the other person, the best remedy is to pull back. That's not a crystal ball, that just balancing things out; not as some trick but because it is the reality of you should be getting what you give and vice versa.

 

She won't forget him if he does this, unless she was planning to do this already. She will see him in another light, wonder about him and see the other part of his message: who he is rather than just the eagerness, which she is misconstruing most likely or at least it's clouding the rest of who he is. This is probably one of the most common dating problems of all.