Author DKT3 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Posted August 16, 2015 I was told to keep the recent matter private, but since there has been continued efforts to draw me into that conversation I will say this, IT WAS NOT AN AFFAIR. Lovin and I talked long before that and she explained that my fidelity wasn't important until and if we were married. All three parties were aware of this, one not believing it doesn't make it false. The issue are that I went pass the ground rules that were start by lovin and therefore it was a betrayal but not an affair. There is an undercurrent here that I've somehow escaped this unharmed or a sense that I "got away" with something. That isn't the case. That issue is being being dealt with and is at the top of the list. Furious lovin has always been the "better" of the two. For 23 of the 25 years of our relationship she was the care giver of our relationship and has given far more then she has taken. road the relationship can't be only about what I want. Not saying that I don't want to be married, I do, but its something that is important to her. My plans are to stay with and grow old with this woman, so why not do it as a married couple? 3
Raena Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 It seems to me that if you two are going to move forward in a healthy, happy relationship then you need to let the past go. At some point it needs to be done with. What will it take DK for you to let it be and move forward trusting lovin? It sounds like she's done her part, now it's your turn. I know it's hard. It's been a rough road for you both but if you want to be happy together you need to be able to do so knowing that the past is the past. You don't forget about it, but you leave it be. Can you do that? 2
Furious Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 I was told to keep the recent matter private, but since there has been continued efforts to draw me into that conversation I will say this, IT WAS NOT AN AFFAIR. Lovin and I talked long before that and she explained that my fidelity wasn't important until and if we were married. All three parties were aware of this, one not believing it doesn't make it false. The issue are that I went pass the ground rules that were start by lovin and therefore it was a betrayal but not an affair. There is an undercurrent here that I've somehow escaped this unharmed or a sense that I "got away" with something. That isn't the case. That issue is being being dealt with and is at the top of the list. Furious lovin has always been the "better" of the two. For 23 of the 25 years of our relationship she was the care giver of our relationship and has given far more then she has taken. road the relationship can't be only about what I want. Not saying that I don't want to be married, I do, but its something that is important to her. My plans are to stay with and grow old with this woman, so why not do it as a married couple? It was a betrayal and not an affair? Anyway, it takes two, and you made poor choices along with the person who made the choice to be a part of it. Recently you and Lovin had a baby, and it's sad that instead of coming closer as a couple and caring for your growing family you sought something that could only hurt your relationship and family unit. You screwed up and anyone with common sense would not engage in such a delicate situation. It takes two, and you are responsible for your role in the betrayal as equally as the person who once again ignored red flags. 4
MrBojangles Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 It seems to me that if you two are going to move forward in a healthy, happy relationship then you need to let the past go. At some point it needs to be done with. What will it take DK for you to let it be and move forward trusting lovin? It sounds like she's done her part, now it's your turn. I know it's hard. It's been a rough road for you both but if you want to be happy together you need to be able to do so knowing that the past is the past. You don't forget about it, but you leave it be. Can you do that? This is the question I too would ask DKT. Going back reading your past threads, and posts to other members, I'd ask you if this forum and the time you spend here, keeps you from fully moving forward? I've lurked there for months reading these stories, and I'd be lying if I said they did not affect me in a negative way at times. (triggers everywhere here) Consider this, the both of you continuing to remain here, posting often, could be the albatross that's preventing you from fully letting go of the past and fully trusting again. DK, I believe you've stated the affair happened 11 years ago? Eventually that lead to divorce, and yet in those 11 years how many other men has Lovin' hooked up with? If the answer is none, then what more proof of her re-dedication do you need before you'll feel that you can fully trust her again? Again my friend, I'd ask you to consider that the time you spend here, may actually be part of what holding you back. Best of luck to you and Lovin'! 1
VeryBrokenMan Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 DKT3, you have given me a lot of advise the past year and I respect your opinions and advise above many here. I hope what I'm going to ask will be received in the manner that it is given. Are you f&*king kidding me? You have been reconciled for 2.5 years and her affair was 11 years ago? And you divorced her? And you still are having issues with it? You are still going to "You had an affair?"? I ask again, are you f&*king kidding me? You did not deserve to be cheated on but Lovin deserves better than what she has been getting. You have a woman that seems to have moved heaven and earth to heal you and years later you are still wallowing in her affair? What you are doing is not reconciliation. Lovin is reconciling but your just living in the past unable to forgive her. That is on you and you alone. I can tell from your posts that you are an intelligent person and a decent human being. But you are an adult man and at this point healing from HER affair is ALL on you and only you. No one else can get you past this and its far past time to step up. If you have not said "I forgive you" then today is not too soon for that. The affair is over, focus on the here and the now. Leave the past where it belongs. You can't change it. You can't make her pay any more. I've been preaching what I'm going to tell you for a few months now. The things you have posted about what Lovin has done to allow you to move forward sound a lot like what I've been getting from dday on. I realized (with the help of my IC) that I did not want to carry the burden of the affair for any longer than I had to. I made the decision about 6 months out that I was done with the pain and I was going to be happy regardless of the outcome. I'm happy now even though our future as a couple is still undecided. I'm not some unicorn of a person, I just committed to myself I was not going to let her affair ruin the relatively short rest of my life. I refuse to be bitter and angry about her choices. That is her life and she has to live with her choices. I have nothing to be ashamed of and I can walk proud with my integrity intact. And I am happy and I'm looking forward to a hopefully long life. So now you have a wife that loves you, that you want to grow old with and the rest of the healing is totally on you. And you know as well as I do it has been for a long time. At this point your just making yourself miserable (and I'm sure her as well) by living in the distant past. I posted in my thread last week that I was not going to be here on LS this time next year. I'm going to be happily married or happily divorced. That is a choice that anyone can make. Sounds like you need to commit to the woman that loves you and has done so much for you and anything less than total commitment is just hurting yourself. At some point I decided I had to take a leap. A leap off a cliff that I could not see the bottom of. My wife devastated me with her affair. But everyone that has ever been cheated on and is trying to reconcile has to make a decision to recommit. You are now at that point. I wish you well my friend, don't waste another year of your life not working on you. Make a commitment with me. Let's make 2016 our last year here together? I'm moving on, and you or anyone else that want's to join me is welcome. 5
velvette Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 (edited) I was told to keep the recent matter private, but since there has been continued efforts to draw me into that conversation I will say this, IT WAS NOT AN AFFAIR. Lovin and I talked long before that and she explained that my fidelity wasn't important until and if we were married. All three parties were aware of this, one not believing it doesn't make it false. The issue are that I went pass the ground rules that were start by lovin and therefore it was a betrayal but not an affair. There is an undercurrent here that I've somehow escaped this unharmed or a sense that I "got away" with something. That isn't the case. That issue is being being dealt with and is at the top of the list. Furious lovin has always been the "better" of the two. For 23 of the 25 years of our relationship she was the care giver of our relationship and has given far more then she has taken. road the relationship can't be only about what I want. Not saying that I don't want to be married, I do, but its something that is important to her. My plans are to stay with and grow old with this woman, so why not do it as a married couple? [Off-topic content redacted] If you want to R you have to be all in. That's a choice........and as others have said a leap of faith....in Loving, but mostly in yourself.....that you will be ok however it turns out. Decide to be all in, decide together what you want your M to look like and then take steps everyday that support that. Its not always easy, but its pretty simple. BTW, all this discussion of who gave more, who has higher ground, who is worthy of whom, etc is irrelevant. Both have to give everything they have to give. If what you have to give is lacking then address that.....both of you. Edited August 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Off-topic content redacted. 7
RoseVille Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 (edited) I was told to keep the recent matter private, but since there has been continued efforts to draw me into that conversation I will say this, IT WAS NOT AN AFFAIR. Lovin and I talked long before that and she explained that my fidelity wasn't important until and if we were married. All three parties were aware of this, one not believing it doesn't make it false. The issue are that I went pass the ground rules that were start by lovin and therefore it was a betrayal but not an affair. There is an undercurrent here that I've somehow escaped this unharmed or a sense that I "got away" with something. That isn't the case. That issue is being being dealt with and is at the top of the list. FWIW, I believe you, and I think most people observing do as well. You're posting this all publicly, Lovin can read it (obviously). You two are the only people who define your relationship and what is, and isn't, acceptable within it. Edited August 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed off topic part 5
sandylee1 Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 I think it's a very valid point, especially if he's minimising. Many wouldn't put up with what Lovin went through, and no one could blame her. It's about DKT and his moving forward and only he and Lovin can know what's going on in their relationship. This intrusion really serves no purpose and can only harm DKT and Lovin, unless that's what people want to do Surely he can post here without people making snide remarks? If they disagree then ignore. That's what I do with certain posters here. 4
HereNorThere Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 I personally don't agree with the therapist's tactics because they seem to minimize your feelings. A good therapist would validate your feelings and help you build healthier coping mechanisms. But I digress, maybe Dr. HereNorThere (not a real doctor, just an Internet cat) can be of some help. Might I suggest one prescription for no Internets. It seems like you've reached the end of the interwebs. I don't think you're going to find anything good around here for a while. This block is too hot, son. I seriously think you should think about hanging up your mouse for a while. Put away your iPhone finger and maybe watching some cable. It's summer, grill a steak, go mini golfing, something, anything besides sticking around for what lies around these parts. It's been a good run. You saw some funny cat videos, made a few friends, maybe even downloaded your favorite song. However, all good things must come to an end, at least for while. Godspeed. 4
truncated Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 OP, I would humbly say that I agree with the posters who ave suggested you to stop posting on here. At some point, a couple outgrows the need for the advice of strangers who don't really know who they are and the day to day activities and stressors they face. It's can be a wonderful resource for someone in crisis who needs immediate help, or someone who is just looking for interests sake, but maybe not so much once a couple has moved into the "long term care and feeding of our relationship" stage. I would also suggest that if you and whichever other poster it is on here that people keep mentioning can't "play nicely" together, then it's not doing either one of you any good to be on here. I don't know what the issue is, but it's not good for either one of you, nor your "wife to be" either. 4
truncated Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Lovin, I hold you in high esteem, your many posts throughout your time on LS have been honest and authentic as anyone could see. I agree, that you learned and grew from your mistakes and yet so many never do. It's sad how those who continue to make poor choices blame shift and play victim. I wish you the best Lovin, you are worthy of it. op, it may come down to you s]asking yourself if you can see yourself in a place where the A is no longer relevant. I'm not doubting that you and your "former wife/wife to be" love each other deeply. that is obvious. The problem is that you can love someone so mch, yet still hurt them and wound them every day. Do you feel like you are in a place where you can let go of the past? If not, then you may actually end up hurting the woman who you love,and who loves you. If you do get married, will she still have to jump through hoops, will she still have to prove she's being honest, will she always wear the proverbial "scarlet A' on her chest? 2
gettingstronger Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 I understand the original question, at what point do we as BS become unfair with the WS. For me, I try to remember we all have choices and should he decide what I need is too much I wouldn't blame him if he left. The balance is I love him so how do we keep ourselves in check so both of us want to keep working on this, together. The rest of the off topic stuff is really clouding what could be a great thread. 2
Author DKT3 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 I understand the original question, at what point do we as BS become unfair with the WS. For me, I try to remember we all have choices and should he decide what I need is too much I wouldn't blame him if he left. The balance is I love him so how do we keep ourselves in check so both of us want to keep working on this, together. The rest of the off topic stuff is really clouding what could be a great thread. I've wanted to start this topic for some time now, yet I knew what direction it would head so I held off.
Author DKT3 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 First, I need to make things clear, it hasn't been 11 years of "working" on this. The affair started 11 years ago and ran roughly two. I found out maybe a year after it ended. Then I stayed 14 months while she denied and lied about it. Once I divorced I left it and her in the past (or so I thought). The next two years we barely spoke, when we did it was about co parenting mostly through texts and emails. Then we slowly started talking again the spending time together as a family then just us without the kids. During this time we NEVER talked about her affair. She tried but I would shut it down because it would change my mood and make me not want to be around her. After some time the ILU's started to flow and I knew it was time to make a decision to stay together which meant dealing with the affair or moving forward apart. The affair was rugswept and I simply hide my feelings (anger, hurt, shame) deep down. Because I didn't hurt I thought I had let go of the anger, yet I couldn't bring myself to say "I forgive you", why? Finally I started to understand I way still sooo fu*king p*ssed off that's why. I was still hurt and ashamed. Those feelings manifested in the hot and cold behavior and making her jump through hoops. As soon as she got comfortable I pushed her out of her comfort zone. Each time more farther then the time before. What will she accept? What can I get away with? How can I make her feel bad? F*ck 11 years this sh*t is fresh NOW, it hurts now. It was only since this new therapist that my actions made sense to me. I'm finally getting to the point of letting go of the anger, and it feels great. Two weeks ago I told lovin I forgave her, and again it felt great. Yes you hear people say forgiveness is for you but until to do it with a pure heart you don't really understand it (or at least I didn't). I can honestly say we are finally moving towards an authenic relationship. Lucky for me she hung on, she did what she promised and never gave up on me. Like I said before, time for me to dance for her. 8
MrBojangles Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 First, I need to make things clear, it hasn't been 11 years of "working" on this. The affair started 11 years ago and ran roughly two. I found out maybe a year after it ended. Then I stayed 14 months while she denied and lied about it. Once I divorced I left it and her in the past (or so I thought). The next two years we barely spoke, when we did it was about co parenting mostly through texts and emails. Then we slowly started talking again the spending time together as a family then just us without the kids. During this time we NEVER talked about her affair. She tried but I would shut it down because it would change my mood and make me not want to be around her. After some time the ILU's started to flow and I knew it was time to make a decision to stay together which meant dealing with the affair or moving forward apart. The affair was rugswept and I simply hide my feelings (anger, hurt, shame) deep down. Because I didn't hurt I thought I had let go of the anger, yet I couldn't bring myself to say "I forgive you", why? Finally I started to understand I way still sooo fu*king p*ssed off that's why. I was still hurt and ashamed. Those feelings manifested in the hot and cold behavior and making her jump through hoops. As soon as she got comfortable I pushed her out of her comfort zone. Each time more farther then the time before. What will she accept? What can I get away with? How can I make her feel bad? F*ck 11 years this sh*t is fresh NOW, it hurts now. It was only since this new therapist that my actions made sense to me. I'm finally getting to the point of letting go of the anger, and it feels great. Two weeks ago I told lovin I forgave her, and again it felt great. Yes you hear people say forgiveness is for you but until to do it with a pure heart you don't really understand it (or at least I didn't). I can honestly say we are finally moving towards an authenic relationship. Lucky for me she hung on, she did what she promised and never gave up on me. Like I said before, time for me to dance for her. This is all great DKT, but do you feel that remaining "here" with the continual diet of relationship dysfunction will speed your healing? Don't get me wrong, you have every right to be here. But does this stuff here ever cause to trigger and then affect your attitude towards Lovin'? Please do not underestimate the toll that the forum can have on your progress. Again, best wishes to you both!
Author DKT3 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 This is all great DKT, but do you feel that remaining "here" with the continual diet of relationship dysfunction will speed your healing? Don't get me wrong, you have every right to be here. But does this stuff here ever cause to trigger and then affect your attitude towards Lovin'? Please do not underestimate the toll that the forum can have on your progress. Again, best wishes to you both! There was only one story that triggered me here. Lovin and I had this very conversation before as she decided that she wouldn't post here as often. 1
Author DKT3 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 Memory is fuzzy. Did your WW date anyone else after the affair ended till you decided to get back together? Still no straight answer. Why? Is it people prefer to see uniformed misinformed responses given as advice? I guess so. Road, its her question to answer. To the best of my knowledge the answer is no.
Sassy Girl Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 (edited) underpants there are 3 sides to every story: his, hers and the truth. You'd do well to remember that Edited August 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited for clarity ~ V 3
lovinDKT3 Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Was the ONS pass in response to her having an affair? How does a BH having a ONS pass suppose to make up for the WW having a PA? Those two actions are not comparable. Yes and no, at one point I did not believe I had the right to ask him to be faithful. In many ways I did not expect him to go down that route, yet I figured if I took away the taboo nature of cheating then it would lose its appeal. If im being honest, it was some manipulation that backfired. Would he had done it without be being me saying it was fine? I dont think so..... 2
lovinDKT3 Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 I don't see it as continued efforts to draw you into that conversation. It seems to me you are already part of that conversation since you made a decision to betray lovin by entering into an EA . Evidenced by the fact that you and lovin are dealing with the EA as one of your top priorities in MC, imho, your EA is pertinent to your story here, also, if you intend to have an authentic discussion. You are doing yourself and lovin a disservice by attempting to sweep it under the rug on LS. I don't see how anyone can take this thread seriously without acknowledging and dealing with your EA as part of the issues in your R with lovin. To me, it's indicative of your attitude about yourself and about lovin and the fact that you, lovin and your marriage counselor are giving it a top priority in your sessions bears that out. You seemed so genuine in your desire to reconcile with lovin, so devoted to solving whatever happened between the two of you and moving on into a committed R with lovin, your son, and the new baby. Having an EA flies in the face of that and the two seem incongruent. So that when I read your seemingly genuine posts at this point it's hard to take them seriously without some kind of an explanation from you that indicates you've figured out why you would do that sort of thing and why you wouldn't resort to that type of behavior in the future. It is not being swept under anything. He has been tarred and feathered. He has given me his reasons for allowing things to get carried away, I disagree with them, but they are valid to him. Thank you for your support.
lovinDKT3 Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Memory is fuzzy. Did your WW date anyone else after the affair ended till you decided to get back together? I did not date anyone. There were adjustments to be made in our way of life. I had a growing business, my dad had a battle with cancer, I needed to be there for my parents and I was personally dealing with the end of marriage to a man ive loved since I was 16 years old. Didnt leave much time to date. By the time I was settled on those issue we were spending a lot of time together. What is your point anyways? Not being rude, just asking. 2
Robert Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Thread re-opened...and reviewed daily. Please keep that in mind when posting. ~ V 2
truncated Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 There was only one story that triggered me here. Lovin and I had this very conversation before as she decided that she wouldn't post here as often. Just as it's important for you to have moved on, it's important that she has as well. While it's not a bad thing for her to have learned from what happened, it's not good for her to forever carry the guilt and always be trying to make up for what she did. That's no way for a person to have to live her life. At some point, she has to let go of that so you both can start fresh, both a little bit older and wiser. 1
autumnnight Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Of course my thinking was me being here was all the effort I needed. As you can see....a lot of BH's feel this way. Good for you for being enough of a man to see what bull that is.
Sub Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 As you can see....a lot of BH's feel this way. Good for you for being enough of a man to see what bull that is. Not sure I follow. Maybe I'm unclear on where the "here" is. This forum, or remaining in the M?
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