Hope4thefuture Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Hi all. I met my BF in the fall of last year. I am recently divorced as of last year, and he was going through a divorce as well. His is now divorced. We started off as friends texting back and forth. Then he asked me to meet him for coffee and slowly things progressed from there. We have been dating and only get to see each other once a week due to our kids' schedules. I was fine with once a week because it allowed us time with our kids, time with our friends, and time by ourselves, but now I would like to be able to see him more. He has many great qualities and I find myself falling for him. We have talked about meeting each other's families and plan on doing that in the next couple of months. We have met some of each other's friends. We went away together for a weekend which was nice. I want to take this slowly because of everything we both have been through but my feelings are rapidly becoming more and more. He just recently told me this is his 2nd divorce. I definitely don't want to stop seeing him but I am also very apprehensive now. This new piece of information raises many questions and doubts. We discussed our feelings and how we want to continue dating and see where this goes. Should I be concerned as we move forward?
cessna Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 You've been through a divorce so isn't it a bit rich to be judging just because he's been through one more than you? 2
Arieswoman Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Well, OP, if he's been through 2 divorces hopefully he's learned something and won't make the same mistakes he made before 1
Vintage79 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 After 1 divorce, the probability of getting divorced in your second marriage is about 75%, after 2 divorces, it's about an 80% chance of getting divorced in your third...basically, there's not much difference...he told you about it, you're casually dating, and I don't think it should change a whole lot. Worry about it if you want to, but I wouldn't worry about it. As is, you're both likely to get divorced if you get married anyhow - so just have fun with it...
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 It doesn't bother me that he has been through 2 divorces. Yes I have been through a divorce and know it doesn't make you any less of a person. In fact my divorce has taught me many things so I am actually blessed to have gone through it. I think I have grown as a person through that experience. What scares me is that we don't want the same things in the future and I will get hurt. We are NO where near marriage but I know I would be open to the idea of marriage again one day with the right person. He is unsure of ever getting married again because of everything he has been through. My concern is more about how his past may effect his decisions for his future. Am I being selfish here?
d0nnivain Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 It's a piece of info to keep in the back of your mind. At this point you are DATING. Nobody is talking about getting married. If it comes to a point where you are considering marrying, ask a lot of Qs. I'd want to know why he thinks he marriages failed & what he learned from those experiences.
angel.eyes Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Statistically, the chance of a new marriage succeeding falls with each (additional) divorce the partners have had. But statistics can't predict with certainty what will happen in an individual case. What has he learned from the experiences? What will he do differently moving forward? How has he grown and changed? Try to glean that information from your discussions with him. Then decide.
Mrin Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 It really all depends on the circumstances around the divorces. If they were for infidelity or abuse on his part, then that's one thing. Heck, a single divorce or even LTR breakup for those reasons are potential deal killers. But if those marriages ended because of infidelity, abuse, or substance abuse on the part of the women - then hard to see why you should hold that against him. I'd just ask more as to the particulars.
Mrin Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 It doesn't bother me that he has been through 2 divorces. Yes I have been through a divorce and know it doesn't make you any less of a person. In fact my divorce has taught me many things so I am actually blessed to have gone through it. I think I have grown as a person through that experience. What scares me is that we don't want the same things in the future and I will get hurt. We are NO where near marriage but I know I would be open to the idea of marriage again one day with the right person. He is unsure of ever getting married again because of everything he has been through. My concern is more about how his past may effect his decisions for his future. Am I being selfish here? Okay this makes more sense. No, I don't think you're being selfish here. It is a valid concern - whether he'd want to ever get married again. If getting married is important to you or just the possibility of getting married then you should have the conversation. I'd suggest just doing it in a dispassionate sort of way - use a disclaimer that you're not putting pressure on him but just want to know what his thoughts are on marrying ever again. It is perfectly fine as a divorcee to have this conversation and be really open with saying, "people's futures and what they're open (or not) to is important in selecting a romantic/dating partner and you just want to make sure you know where he stands (and where you stand)". Dating later on in life can be refreshingly blunt.
kendahke Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 It doesn't bother me that he has been through 2 divorces. Yes I have been through a divorce and know it doesn't make you any less of a person. In fact my divorce has taught me many things so I am actually blessed to have gone through it. I think I have grown as a person through that experience. What scares me is that we don't want the same things in the future and I will get hurt. We are NO where near marriage but I know I would be open to the idea of marriage again one day with the right person. He is unsure of ever getting married again because of everything he has been through. My concern is more about how his past may effect his decisions for his future. Am I being selfish here? You need to decide now that you're ok with his guy being his SO and not his wife, because you may never be his wife. If your relationship gives you what you need without the state being dragged into it, then why is that not enough? Otherwise, if marriage is your end game for your future, this ain't the guy to pin those hopes on. Enjoy him for what he brings to your life, but know that you know exactly where he stands on this issue right now and that you're taking full responsibility for how you proceed with him knowing this about him. You can't later on act brand new when he tells you "I dont' want to marry anyone ever again". You knew on 8/14/15 that he was not marriage minded.
xcupid Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 The only thing you have to know is whether he's open to marriage to someone in the future or whether he's never going to get married. Best not to broach that subject right now or it might scare him away.
sandylee1 Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 I think without nosy , if I were you I'd like to know why he got divorced both times i.e did he cheat? Proceed with caution.
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 Thanks for all the replies. I am happy in my relationship with him. And that is all that should matter. I will focus on that.
scooby-philly Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 I think everyone gave great slivers of advice, but your last response - you said it yourself. You're happy with things now. As one person said - slowly find out more about his. As another person said, keep it in the back of your mind. There's a big difference between concerns for the long term and happiness in the present. If you get to that point in the future, then yes - you need to cross the bridge. No road is perfect and you can't predict the future or live in fear. That said, I would given the statistic 1 Think about what you want. Share it with him, friends, on here. That will help you cut through the bs (even in your own head) and sharpen that. 2. I'd also find out slowly about his past and why they happened. I didn't that with my ex-fiancee and while I was initially a wreck after our engagement ended, I'm glad now because time gave me the clarity to see that she was only interested in what other people thought, and was not open and transparent about her past. 3. Keep an eye on your happiness in the now. Many people go through break-ups/divorce and the next good thing that happens, your fear of loneliness, or disappointment keeps you around longer than necessary. That was my case with my last ex - the happiness wore off after 2 months and I was more afraid of being alone than being with the wrong person. Not to say that's you - but lot's of people stick around for the wrong reasons. If everything is kosher then don't worry. None of us are perfect and no one can see the future.
Jj66 Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 Many people have shame about being divorced twice. When you've been divorced one you can point the finger at the other person easy enough. When you've been divorced more than once you pretty much have to point the finger at yourself. I can understand his reluctance to bring it up at first for fear of rejection. But he realized that he likes you a lot and if this is going to be a serious relationship you needed to know about it so he told you. I really don't see a bug problem at all about how it came about. Going forward you need to be having some heart to heart talks about the lessons you learned from your marriages and divorces, etc. 2
todreaminblue Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 I think every thing in life has a reason or a lesson to be learned from happening......failing relationships or failed relationships teach lessons if you are willing to learn from them.....a relationship failing is on two heads not one.....and if he is willing as another poster said to have a heart to heart about what went wrong i think thats a positive thing.....accepting some responsibility also is a good sign....i wish you well....and i think you should certainly give this relationship a chance..dont judge your relationship with this guy on his past failures, just as he shouldnt judge you on your failures...its about both of you together in a relationship...not what was.....more about what should or could be than what was, would be my advice on a good start.......good luck..deb
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 16, 2015 Author Posted August 16, 2015 I appreciate all the advice and responses. He was very open with me and said if I have any questions or concerns to ask him at any time. I really like this guy and enjoy spending time with him. We both want to see where our relationship goes and I will deal with getting hurt if that time comes. 1
Recommended Posts