xxoo Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 This is hair-splitting. Of COURSE it is the fact that they won't rather than can't that is the problem....the question is the same, what the magic "easy" answer? I guess it isn't a big deal for those to whom intimacy is not important. No one is saying that it's easy or not important.... But to find the answer for yourself, it's better to identify the source of the problem. Look hard at the feeling of rejection and how it affects you, and what power you have to change your own response (for your own peace of mind). 2
Author Heatherknows Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 Cheating ,in general, for what ever reason in all circumstance is not a solution, it's only a dysfunctional response to what the issues are. That's true. And cheating never feels good even though that is the reason people do it.
autumnnight Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 No one has said that sex is the only need that is "understandable" for a spouse not to meet. I'm sorry but you are using a straw man tactic in regard to this topic and the OP is concerned about lack of sex from her spouse and responses are on topic. Of course in many marriages the sex is great but other issues are may be causing strife. If someone's husband, for instance, was not financially responsible, would it be ok for the wife to write bad checks or steal because the financial need was not being met. Of course not, i see the same argument for lack of sex and justifying cheating. Cheating ,in general, for what ever reason in all circumstance is not a solution, it's only a dysfunctional response to what the issues are. Ummm...if you read my post, I repeatedly said (once in all caps) that cheating is always wrong. Invalid argument.
autumnnight Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 No one is saying that it's easy or not important.... But to find the answer for yourself, it's better to identify the source of the problem. Look hard at the feeling of rejection and how it affects you, and what power you have to change your own response (for your own peace of mind). This is beautiful. What is the boots on the ground translation of this....when you have talked, cried, begged, tried to shut down your own need, begged for counseling.... NO NOT CHEATING But tell me exactly how to translate years and years of rejection and frustration into some power of feeling solution that does NOT include being an involuntary monk.
xxoo Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 This is beautiful. What is the boots on the ground translation of this....when you have talked, cried, begged, tried to shut down your own need, begged for counseling.... NO NOT CHEATING But tell me exactly how to translate years and years of rejection and frustration into some power of feeling solution that does NOT include being an involuntary monk. The boots on the ground translation is STOP begging, crying, talking about the subject. Accept the man you're choosing to stay with, stop trying to change him, and focus on enjoying him for the reasons you choose to stay. Release the idea of rejection, as his actions are about him and not about you. And live the life you are choosing to the fullest.
elaine567 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 So let's talk about these needs. Are they valid? Are they assumed to be part of a healthy marriage? Did ANYONE on here marry assuming NONE of those needs would be met? So when you go years without those needs being met AND you talk AND you improve yourself AND you beg for counseling AND you try to woo your spouse and and and and And you live in a real world where it takes both your incomes and your kids are small and there's no family nearby and your church says that Jesus will cry and cut off your head if you divorce.... Then what DO you do? Obviously, you should never ever cheat - it is absolutely wrong. But I'd like for one actually HONEST and objective person to tell me the answer to the above is "easy." Nothing in the above scenario is easy, and that is why without some seriously strong conviction, social convention or moral compass telling them NO, many end up on the path of least resistance and simply find someone to cheat with.
Author Heatherknows Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 Nothing in the above scenario is easy, and that is why without some seriously strong conviction, social convention or moral compass telling them NO, many end up on the path of least resistance and simply find someone to cheat with. True enough and then they end up a lot of the times being the OW and hating that role. So although cheating starts off as the solution to problems it just creates other problems. I'm so glad I'm dealing with this now when there is no affair partner around. I can feel the empty hole inside my body and there isn't anyone to run to in order to fill it. So I'm sitting here feeling empty without the easy, quick fix. It feels weird. 1
Furious Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Rejection is like pouring acid on my skin. It must be very painful to be sexually rejected by your husband. The thing is, you do have a choice, it may not be an easy choice, but you do have the choice to divorce and find someone who is emotionally and sexually connected to you. Choosing to stay married and consider cheating is not a long term solution. If anything, you'd be inviting more problems and negative consequence than what you're already dealing with.
Male Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I think married women who cheat can justify it in their mind as something as a compromise to not deal directly with either the marriage or their own personal issues. I know some single women who have less sex than married women, most single women I know don't feel comfortable with one night stands and when they begin dating someone they don't immediately jump in the sack. One woman I know has maybe had sex only 4 times in the past year but has dated quite a few men and hasn't found the right match for her. She's looking for more than casual sex and she knows she could have sex as often as possible if that was all that she wanted. Often times, married women who do cheat are looking to be desired and feel young again. It's ego based, cheating offers excitement and the person they cheat with does not have to meet the criteria of someone they would consider as a marriage partner. It's a strange paradox. Its not a paradox its just another double standard in the lives of many women. The list is very long. But I will agree that you hit it right on the head as far as your explanation goes.
autumnnight Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 The boots on the ground translation is STOP begging, crying, talking about the subject. Accept the man you're choosing to stay with, stop trying to change him, and focus on enjoying him for the reasons you choose to stay. Release the idea of rejection, as his actions are about him and not about you. And live the life you are choosing to the fullest. You don't really need sex, do you? Because no one who understood how integral physical intimacy is to some people would suggest a "suck it up" solution wrapped in New Age hoo-ha You basically just said "if you were a better person you'd stop having the needs." Sorry, wrong answer. 3
Author Heatherknows Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 It must be very painful to be sexually rejected by your husband. The thing is, you do have a choice, it may not be an easy choice, but you do have the choice to divorce and find someone who is emotionally and sexually connected to you. Choosing to stay married and consider cheating is not a long term solution. If anything, you'd be inviting more problems and negative consequence than what you're already dealing with. TBH the sex in our relationship is improving. This past weekend we had decent sex. For me though, it's not the actual act of him being inside me, it's feeling like I'm so incredibly desirable that he must f*ck me. After years of almost no sex whatsoever it's difficult to feel desirable with him. He gives me compliments and is affectionate but I have trouble believing he WANT'S me. I like that feeling.
xxoo Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 You don't really need sex, do you? Because no one who understood how integral physical intimacy is to some people would suggest a "suck it up" solution wrapped in New Age hoo-ha You basically just said "if you were a better person you'd stop having the needs." Sorry, wrong answer. I love sex. I have a lot of it! But no, I don't need it. If I divorced, I probably would go without sex and dating for many years until my kids are older. If my husband got very sick or injured, I'd definitely go without sex. My mother had breast cancer at age 40; I'm sure my dad went without much sex if any that year! These would be my choices, and I'd be content because they are my choices. And if I were not content, I'd make a different choice.
Author Heatherknows Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 I love sex. I have a lot of it! But no, I don't need it. If I divorced, I probably would go without sex and dating for many years until my kids are older. If my husband got very sick or injured, I'd definitely go without sex. My mother had breast cancer at age 40; I'm sure my dad went without much sex if any that year! These would be my choices, and I'd be content because they are my choices. And if I were not content, I'd make a different choice. If you are having sex you cannot assume that you wouldn't miss if it were gone. it's like a rich person saying money doesn't mean anything. 2
Male Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 You don't really need sex, do you? Because no one who understood how integral physical intimacy is to some people would suggest a "suck it up" solution wrapped in New Age hoo-ha You basically just said "if you were a better person you'd stop having the needs." Sorry, wrong answer. I think when a woman is in a marriage, that sex is expected for most. Take sex/intimacy away and they justify looking for it elsewhere. But if you are single and not having sex, theres a lot of women that wont justify searching it out just because they arent having it.
Author Heatherknows Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 I think when a woman is in a marriage, that sex is expected for most. Take sex/intimacy away and they justify looking for it elsewhere. But if you are single and not having sex, theres a lot of women that wont justify searching it out just because they arent having it. When you're single you always have the hope that you'll meet Mr. Passion and he'll fu*k your brains out. If you live like me you think "OMG is this it?" 1
Furious Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 When you're single you always have the hope that you'll meet Mr. Passion and he'll fu*k your brains out. If you live like me you think "OMG is this it?" Seems you're better suited to being single.
xxoo Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 If you are having sex you cannot assume that you wouldn't miss if it were gone. it's like a rich person saying money doesn't mean anything. I've been married a long time. There have been times without sex. What there's never been is times when I've felt rejected or unwanted, which is different from times without sex. 2
autumnnight Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I've been married a long time. There have been times without sex. What there's never been is times when I've felt rejected or unwanted, which is different from times without sex. Well trust me when I say that someone living in the house with you who just plain WON'T touch you is pretty devastating, and just "deciding not to want intimacy anymore" isn't really, IMO, a healthy choice. I tried it. It is like trying not to have hazel eyes. It's a little like telling someone who has a broken leg that their pain will go away if they can just be content with the fracture. 3
Author Heatherknows Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 Seems you're better suited to being single. Not really. I function much better in a relationship.
Male Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 (edited) When you're single you always have the hope that you'll meet Mr. Passion and he'll fu*k your brains out. If you live like me you think "OMG is this it?" Really? At least you are being honest, unlike many others on here that would never admit it. I think thats what makes dating so difficult, is because women have a big list of aspirations of what they want their man to be, and how they want the relationship to play out. I think if women would just accept the guy as he is instead of comparing him to her "list" then things would be much better. Not pointing my finger at the OP...just saying that I believe there are way too many women that let their lists and aspirations be driven by childhood disney/princess dreams rather than reality. As a guy I only hope to meet a woman that loves me the same I love her. Contemplating how sex will be before I even meet anyone just doesnt make sense to me. Edited August 18, 2015 by Male 1
Author Heatherknows Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 Really? At least you are being honest, unlike many others on here that would never admit it. I think thats what makes dating so difficult, is because women have a big list of aspirations of what they want their man to be, and how they want the relationship to play out. I think if women would just accept the guy as he is instead of comparing him to her "list" then things would be much better. As a guy I only hope to meet a woman that loves me the same I love her. Contemplating how sex will be before I even meet anyone just doesnt make sense to me. I never ever contemplated how sex would be on my "What I want in a husband List." I just assumed that I'd marry someone who'd want to rip my clothes off all the time. I never expected this. 1
autumnnight Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Seems you're better suited to being single. Wow...ten characters
Male Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 I never ever contemplated how sex would be on my "What I want in a husband List." I just assumed that I'd marry someone who'd want to rip my clothes off all the time. I never expected this. I know what you mean, but what I'm saying is that I think its typically women that think ahead about stuff like that, more-so than guys. I think most guys live in the now, whereas most women dream and aspire for what can be or what they want.
Author Heatherknows Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 Wow...ten characters What does that expression mean????
Author Heatherknows Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 I know what you mean, but what I'm saying is that I think its typically women that think ahead about stuff like that, more-so than guys. I think most guys live in the now, whereas most women dream and aspire for what can be or what they want. I don't know. Don't you have a "Must Have" list for your future wife?
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