Why Married Women Cheat

[Heatherknows]

I'm going to start posting articles about women and cheating to help myself and others gain more insight into our behavior. Hopefully this thread will begin to turn the fog fantasy into what it's turn self:A Lie.

 

For the Thrill of the Affair: Why Married Women Cheat - ABC News

 

I "didn't even want a physical relationship with anyone else, I wanted to be wanted,” she said. “I wanted to be adored, wanted to be chased, wanted every man to think, I have got to have her.”

 

http://www.webmd.boots.com/sex-relationships/features/why-women-cheat

 

Having someone find you attractive and flirt with you is a massive ego boost for some women.

 

If a women is feeling her age or that her partner’s not paying her enough attention she may have an affair to feel young again and to recapture that first flush of lust that comes with the start of a new relationship.

Edited August 14, 2015 by Heatherknows

[William]

Couple things:

 

1. In general, LoveShack.org is a place to post about one's interpersonal relationships. External articles, blogs, commercial sites are frowned upon as topics of posts but are, save for commercial sites, fine to use as supporting information for one's topic.

 

2. Pursuant to our policies published at the top of the forum this post originally was posted into, topics not about one's own affair, or that of one's spouse or partner, if relevant to infidelity in general, are to be placed in our General Relationship Discussion forum. If a rant, not seeking any input but rather just shouting from the window that one isn't going to take infidelity anymore, our Personal Rants and Confessions forum is the appropriate place.

 

Hence, I'll move this to GRD and invite members to read and comment on the articles posted. Thanks!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Heather knows, your topic "Why do Married Women cheat" , has a few obvious answers.

 

1. It is easy to do so provided the woman is smart and these days, is knowledgeable about technology.

 

2. Only really self centered and selfish married women would get down to cheating. If a woman says she loves her husband and yet cheats, she is lying about loving him.

 

3. Women in a toxic relationship may cheat but they would be fulfilling the conditions at ser 2. She has the option of divorce and if she does not take it well she had her cake and eats it too.

 

4. Some women love the thrill of cheating and are characterless. They will cheat irrespective of any situation that exists in their life.

 

5. These days there is am overwhelming focus on sex and how it is the right of everyone to have wild exciting sex or at leady good sex most of the time. Average sex does not do it for them. Also they expect their partners to liven things up in the bedroom but do not themselves do anything about it. This also leafs to cheating ad such women think they are missing out on their right to exciting fun filled sex.

 

Guess that sums it up for the moment. Cheers!

Edited August 14, 2015 by Just a Guy

[eye of the storm]

The reason women cheat is the same reason men cheat. Because they choose to.

 

Now, excuses for cheating is different. I think some women cheat because of the same excuses that some men cheat. Unhappy, bored, money, ego, sex, anger...way to many to list.

[central]

Humans are naturally promiscuous, despite social/cultural expectations to the contrary - but most (?) do observe these social conventions. Combine that with the very real - or perceived - benefits of cheating, and many will do so. Of course, there may be real consequences - if caught. Or if that socially induced conscience takes hold.

[carhill]

The first article, while primarily focusing on AM, an affair-focused web service, appeared to match up pretty well with my life experience with MW's. The main difference has been I've seen no particular age focus, rather have encountered them since I was a teenager at all age ranges. My youngest was 22, married four years and with a toddler. She was having sex with her boss and I was her EA. I guess she was living life to the fullest. However, knowing her over 25 years after those first encounters, I came to see a pattern which would repeat with other MW's over the decades - beyond excitement, beyond attention, they literally had a fear of being alone, often expressed in exactly those words. If they felt in any way alone in their marriage, they sought outside attention, whether emotional or sexual. They used sex and the sexual allure which women possess to satisfy their fear of being alone. TBH, I've met very few who just wanted 'flings'. MW's, the ones I've met in life, were far more deliberate and serious.

 

Another aspect of the first article which I've seen traction for IRL is dueling affairs, where one spouse would be having and affair and later discover their spouse was also similarly engaged. Chicken and egg were always a hot topic as each person works to blame the other for being 'first'.

 

The second article was more clinical and matched up pretty well with what we covered in MC. I found this particular passage to ring true:

 

"If you are tempted to have an affair, go to counseling at that stage to try to resolve any underlying relationship problems before you are unfaithful."

 

Had I followed that advice, I'd probably still be divorced, knowing now what had transpired during those years, but I'd have saved myself the indignity and disrespect of an EA. MC would have clarified that stuff and a D could have happened more quickly.

 

My takeaway after a lifetime of interaction with women, in my demographic anyway....MW's are everywhere. Yep, they're individuals but, interact with enough of them and patterns emerge. The attention-seeking, I can't be alone pattern is the most common I've experienced to date. YMMV>

[Mrin]

OP: First off, I read one of your earlier posts about your story and I just wanted to say that I think you're now traveling a very healthy road in coming to grips with your infidelity and its ramifications and impacts. I applaud you for your sober look at everything and encourage you to continue on your journey of rebuilding your marriage.

 

I just wanted to chime in with a slightly different take on cheating and particularly the way some people come to grips with their own infidelity (particularly women). In a nutshell, I see you (and other's doing this):

 

Holycrap! I did something amazingly hurtful and terrible to my spouse and my family! I thought I was a good person. How could a good person do this?! Maybe I am not a good person. Maybe I am a bad person... A bad wife... And a bad mother.... And a bad daughter...

 

And then when faced with the internal conclusion that you're a bad person, you reject that or at least try to mitigate it by looking for a reason or an explanation. If you can just find the reason or explanation then you can either "fix it" and become a good person again or, more sinisterly, conclude that you were actually a good person all along and the weakness or the "reason" just caused you to lapse - kind of like how we use alcohol or even stress as an excuse for our behavior sometimes.

 

Let me state categorically that there is nothing wrong with the above. I don't offer it as a criticism - but more of a cut to the chase view of how some folks and probably you come to grips with their infidelity.

 

Let me offer a different viewpoint. You are not a good person. You are not a bad person. There is nothing intrinsically good or bad about you. You are just you. You are capable of unspeakable horrors. You are also capable of mind bending acts of love, compassion and friendship. You have all of that inside of you - each and every day. You get to decide what comes out of you - each and every day. What sort of person you are going to be that day. You control it all. You own it all. You're responsible for it all. Yes, you savaged your husband's feelings and trust. You put your daughter in an unspeakably awful position. You did that because you chose to. But you can also choose to be different. To change it. To be the person you want to be.

 

I don't know about you but I'd rather view the world like I just suggested rather than either a good/bad person viewpoint or even worse, the idea that I have some hidden weakness of flaw that was responsible for my fall from grace. My viewpoint makes me feel empowered. The other, makes me feel hopeless.

 

I hope this makes sense and that you take it in the spirit that it was offered. Best of luck to you on your journey!

[GorillaTheater]

Humans are naturally promiscuous, despite social/cultural expectations to the contrary - but most (?) do observe these social conventions. Combine that with the very real - or perceived - benefits of cheating, and many will do so. Of course, there may be real consequences - if caught. Or if that socially induced conscience takes hold.

 

Central, I generally like your posts and I think you have some great things to say. But the feel I get from this post, that people who cheat are just doing what comes naturally and perhaps shouldn't be constrained by those unfortunate social conventions, rubs me the wrong way.

 

Our lizard brains are wired to f*ck, kill, and sit around the fire chewing qat (or the equivalent thereof). Sure, I may want to f*ck some hot woman that catches my eye, but there are also times I want to kill my neighbor with a rusty gravel rake and drink myself blind.

 

I recognize, however, that the destruction to myself and others, especially the people I love, vastly outweighs any desire I may have to f*ck strange women, eviscerate my neighbor, or get rabidly drunk. I think about my family in such situations, not social mores.

[Heatherknows]

Hi Heather knows, your topic "Why do Married Women cheat" , has a few obvious answers.

 

1. It is easy to do so provided the woman is smart and these days, is knowledgeable about technology.

 

2. Only really self centered and selfish married women would get down to cheating. If a woman says she loves her husband and yet cheats, she is lying about loving him.

 

3. Women in a toxic relationship may cheat but they would be fulfilling the conditions at ser 2. She has the option of divorce and if she does not take it well she had her cake and eats it too.

 

4. Some women love the thrill of cheating and are characterless. They will cheat irrespective of any situation that exists in their life.

 

5. These days there is am overwhelming focus on sex and how it is the right of everyone to have wild exciting sex or at leady good sex most of the time. Average sex does not do it for them. Also they expect their partners to liven things up in the bedroom but do not themselves do anything about it. This also leafs to cheating ad such women think they are missing out on their right to exciting fun filled sex.

 

Guess that sums it up for the moment. Cheers!

 

I don't agree with everything you said but I do agree there is an overwhelming focus on sex. It's almost a sport that if you're not good at or not getting then you must be undesirable and useless.

[Heatherknows]

The first article, while primarily focusing on AM, an affair-focused web service, appeared to match up pretty well with my life experience with MW's. The main difference has been I've seen no particular age focus, rather have encountered them since I was a teenager at all age ranges. My youngest was 22, married four years and with a toddler. She was having sex with her boss and I was her EA. I guess she was living life to the fullest. However, knowing her over 25 years after those first encounters, I came to see a pattern which would repeat with other MW's over the decades - beyond excitement, beyond attention, they literally had a fear of being alone, often expressed in exactly those words. If they felt in any way alone in their marriage, they sought outside attention, whether emotional or sexual. They used sex and the sexual allure which women possess to satisfy their fear of being alone. TBH, I've met very few who just wanted 'flings'. MW's, the ones I've met in life, were far more deliberate and serious.

 

Another aspect of the first article which I've seen traction for IRL is dueling affairs, where one spouse would be having and affair and later discover their spouse was also similarly engaged. Chicken and egg were always a hot topic as each person works to blame the other for being 'first'.

 

The second article was more clinical and matched up pretty well with what we covered in MC. I found this particular passage to ring true:

 

"If you are tempted to have an affair, go to counseling at that stage to try to resolve any underlying relationship problems before you are unfaithful."

 

Had I followed that advice, I'd probably still be divorced, knowing now what had transpired during those years, but I'd have saved myself the indignity and disrespect of an EA. MC would have clarified that stuff and a D could have happened more quickly.

 

My takeaway after a lifetime of interaction with women, in my demographic anyway....MW's are everywhere. Yep, they're individuals but, interact with enough of them and patterns emerge. The attention-seeking, I can't be alone pattern is the most common I've experienced to date. YMMV>

 

Thank you for sharing your story and insight Carhill. I bolded a passage that resonates with me. That's EXACTLY what my thinking was when I chatted inappropriately with OM online.

[TaraMaiden2]

Central, I generally like your posts and I think you have some great things to say. But the feel I get from this post, that people who cheat are just doing what comes naturally and perhaps shouldn't be constrained by those unfortunate social conventions, rubs me the wrong way.

 

Our lizard brains are wired to f*ck, kill, and sit around the fire chewing qat (or the equivalent thereof). Sure, I may want to f*ck some hot woman that catches my eye, but there are also times I want to kill my neighbor with a rusty gravel rake and drink myself blind.

 

I recognize, however, that the destruction to myself and others, especially the people I love, vastly outweighs any desire I may have to f*ck strange women, eviscerate my neighbor, or get rabidly drunk. I think about my family in such situations, not social mores.

 

Thinking about your family' is still a 'social more'.

 

It is a part of the fabric of our society that we grow, get an education, get a college/Uni degree, get a partner, get married and get a family.

 

That's what our society does.

Being part of a family is part of the social mores we are conditioned to uphold.

 

In china, for example, having a good career and working for the good of the community and 'toeing the party line' are fractionally more important than marrying and having children.

 

Respect, honour, care and consideration for one's parents over-ride the respect, honour, care and consideration they have for their spouse.

 

If your neighbour was acting in a menacing, threatening violent way towards your family, you'd think nothing of beating him to death with a yard-broom, and you'd probably have social support for your actions.

So, yes, while family comes first to you, it's part & parcel of the way you're conditioned by societal norms....

 

However: Conditioning is different to programming.

programming is primal instincts.

Conditioning is societal norms.

And the latter is very often brought to bear, when the former looks like putting its head above the parapet.

 

In most cases 'Societal Norms' wins.

For some, 'Primal Instincts' gets a day out at the fair..... and hang the SNs.

[GorillaTheater]

Thinking about your family' is still a 'social more'.

 

It is a part of the fabric of our society that we grow, get an education, get a college/Uni degree, get a partner, get married and get a family.

 

That's what our society does.

Being part of a family is part of the social mores we are conditioned to uphold.

 

In china, for example, having a good career and working for the good of the community and 'toeing the party line' are fractionally more important than marrying and having children.

 

Respect, honour, care and consideration for one's parents over-ride the respect, honour, care and consideration they have for their spouse.

 

If your neighbour was acting in a menacing, threatening violent way towards your family, you'd think nothing of beating him to death with a yard-broom, and you'd probably have social support for your actions.

So, yes, while family comes first to you, it's part & parcel of the way you're conditioned by societal norms....

 

However: Conditioning is different to programming.

programming is primal instincts.

Conditioning is societal norms.

And the latter is very often brought to bear, when the former looks like putting its head above the parapet.

 

In most cases 'Societal Norms' wins.

For some, 'Primal Instincts' gets a day out at the fair..... and hang the SNs.

 

Assuming that you're correct Tara that my concerns about the effects of my behavior on my family are a form of societal norm, can we at least agree that such a norm is not "unfortunate", to use my characterization, but rather a greatly positive check on behavior?

[TaraMaiden2]

Oh yes, absolutely!

 

Programming is primal, and while it feels good on occasions to respond to it, Conditioning knocks off the rough edges and smooths out the rough patches.

 

Occasionally there is conflict, but that's why we have a conscience. That's why we are able to rationalise and evaluate, weigh the pros and cons, and make decisions based on what is right, what is acceptable, what is noteworthy and skilful.

 

Couldn't agree more.

Edited August 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fodder for PM's

[central]

Central, I generally like your posts and I think you have some great things to say. But the feel I get from this post, that people who cheat are just doing what comes naturally and perhaps shouldn't be constrained by those unfortunate social conventions, rubs me the wrong way.

 

In response, I certainly don't approve or condone cheating. I feel that people should attempt their best to restrain their urges when acting on them will or may cause harm to others.

 

The cultural conventions serve the purpose of guidance for a more smoothly functioning society. They are an ideal and as such will never be achieved in reality. Still, it is worth the effort.

 

My point is that it is HARD to follow the rules when faced with temptation. Such desires are innate to our nature, and it takes self-awareness and difficult choices to do the right thing. We need to recognize that ethical behavior can be very difficult to achieve, so it is hardly surprising that in this area - as well as so many others - people often fail. Some will always fail. There is no way to fix this, only mitigate and hopefully reduce the frequency and impact.

[Mrin]

OP: I owe you an apology of sorts. I got you confused with another poster who actually had a PA and dday etc...

[Heatherknows]

OP: I owe you an apology of sorts. I got you confused with another poster who actually had a PA and dday etc...

 

Sure no worries. I never had a PA with anyone nor ever will. I just wanted some online emotional romance and flirty fun. Touching my body was never an option or desire of mine.

[Revolver]

For the "I still got it" feeling

[xxoo]

For the "I still got it" feeling

 

Otherwise known as the bottomless pit of need for external validation.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Heather, One reason which came to mind and which I read about is that it is a cry for help on the part of the woman. Often women find themselves in a marriage where they ate neglected by their husbands who may be too busy building his career or business and although both partners love each other other interests which occupy their minds especially true of high flying husbands, the other partner, in this case the wife feels neglected. This is true in the case of husbands who may similarly feel neglected with the due result. In such cases the cheating spouse (wife) deliberately leaves clues of her infidelity because she wants her husband to find out and confront her after which the resulting melt down offer s a way out for both parties to resolve matters. Of course it should be understood that the underlying bond between the partners is actually very strong. It is an unusual type of case and probably happens very rarely.

[Heatherknows]

Hi Heather, One reason which came to mind and which I read about is that it is a cry for help on the part of the woman. Often women find themselves in a marriage where they ate neglected by their husbands who may be too busy building his career or business and although both partners love each other other interests which occupy their minds especially true of high flying husbands, the other partner, in this case the wife feels neglected. This is true in the case of husbands who may similarly feel neglected with the due result. In such cases the cheating spouse (wife) deliberately leaves clues of her infidelity because she wants her husband to find out and confront her after which the resulting melt down offer s a way out for both parties to resolve matters. Of course it should be understood that the underlying bond between the partners is actually very strong. It is an unusual type of case and probably happens very rarely.

 

My online flirting was definitively a cry for help. When a strange man from the Internet makes sexual remarks it might be arousing but in reality it's kind of gross.

[Popsicle]

I think there are many reasons, but in your case, OP, I think you are just bored in your M and with your H. Sometimes a WS cheats for no other reasons than they are bored.

[Heatherknows]

I think there are many reasons, but in your case, OP, I think you are just bored in your M and with your H. Sometimes a WS cheats for no other reasons than they are bored.

 

You're right. I am bored and was looking for something to entertain me, something to look forward to and I felt lonely and depressed. My husbands lack of sexual interest for many years really shot down my self esteem. When I posted my pictures and videos on that site I wasn't doing well. I just lost my two pets one to cancer and one to heart disease. My husband's mother is elderly and she needed more and more help from him. I felt abandoned, neglected and sexually undesirable. I was desperate for some love and attention and acted like a complete online nut job to get it. I will own my part in the mess. Then I tried too hard to win the approval of the people on the forum which made me look even more sad and desperate. It's like they kept beating me up and I went in for more and more thinking I can make things right. Thinking I can show them who I really am. But they were having too much fun ganging up on me and smashing me down. It was an reenactment of my fifth grade childhood experience.

 

So now I had a gang of people making fun of me and this guy playing sexual weird games with my head. And trust me he laid it on thick. The last phone conversation he said "Don't you understand how much I want you? I want you to be my woman! I wake and you're the first thing I think of I have to get you out of my head." His voice was shaking and he sounded so worked up. It was scary. It was also flattering but it was scary. I just didn't understand why it had to be so over the top and crazy. I still don't understand what his motives were. I even said to him at one point "Hey why don't you be like my big brother and you can watch out for me?" I thought that would be cute. I could talk to him and ask him for advice and he'd be sweet. He didn't like that. He got angry. On our last conversation he brought that up and said "You want me to be your big brother? Don't you understand I want to fu*k you?" And his voice was really angry and irate. Then he says "I hope to never hear from you again." Then less than 24 hours later he says on the forum he's going to see me in person. I got scared. I thought OMG is he just going to find out where I live and see me. That's why I went on the forum and told him he was insane. I probably looked insane myself to the others on the forum but that's nothing new.

 

This experience was horrible. I don't want to have anymore horrible experiences. I want to have a good life.

[SammySammy]

The need for attention

 

The need to be desired

 

The need for sexual satisfaction. Let's be frank, some guys are coming up short in the bedroom.

[xxoo]

Bored is as boring does.

 

What, other than sex and romance, can provide you with that feeling of being alive and full of passion?

 

I'm married, with kids, in my 40s. Things that make me feel amazing include my work, my sports (getting fitter and stronger, challenging myself), dressing to turn heads on an evening out, walking the beach in a bikini. When possible, I love to travel. I enjoy walking the woods and taking photographs of tiny things I discover, skateboarding, paddle boarding, kayaking (I'm going to miss summer so much!!!).

 

What makes you feel alive? Feed your soul.

 

And if you want attention, believe me. A 40 something mom skateboarding with her young son gets attention

[Popsicle]

 

So now I had a gang of people making fun of me and this guy playing sexual weird games with my head. And trust me he laid it on thick. The last phone conversation he said "Don't you understand how much I want you? I want you to be my woman! I wake and you're the first thing I think of I have to get you out of my head." His voice was shaking and he sounded so worked up. It was scary. It was also flattering but it was scary. I just didn't understand why it had to be so over the top and crazy. I still don't understand what his motives were. I even said to him at one point "Hey why don't you be like my big brother and you can watch out for me?" I thought that would be cute. I could talk to him and ask him for advice and he'd be sweet. He didn't like that. He got angry. On our last conversation he brought that up and said "You want me to be your big brother? Don't you understand I want to fu*k you?" And his voice was really angry and irate. Then he says "I hope to never hear from you again." Then less than 24 hours later he says on the forum he's going to see me in person. I got scared. I thought OMG is he just going to find out where I live and see me. That's why I went on the forum and told him he was insane. I probably looked insane myself to the others on the forum but that's nothing new.

 

This experience was horrible. I don't want to have anymore horrible experiences. I want to have a good life.

 

The way he was acting with you, I think he forgot that he was married. He thought he was a single man! I think my xMM did that too. It was so bizarre. Made me convinced that some married people in A's feel like they are single when they are with their AP. Anyways, It was all fantasy. I'm glad you want a good life now. I don't remember, but have you tried to talk to you H? BS's around here usually advocate confessing the A to your spouse (I done agree btw). I'm really surprised the haven't hammered that home with you like they usually do.