Still feeling guilty...

[NVO]

So, I healed big time with NC. I gave it one last shot, and she told me it was better if we did not. So I guess I'm not a bad dumpee, and although I miss her (I guess) I've accepted the fact that it's over and feeling better everyday. But still, I can not help feeling guilty.

 

And now I'm wondering if I will ever stop feeling guilty. My ex (she broke up with me) saying I did not make her feel special, sometimes keeps ringing in my ears. Sure, the last few months I had two jobs and I was working 6 days a week, so I can understand her feeling that way. But was I so wrong for putting my future, and therefore ours, in the first place, just for once? It's not I stopped making plans, hell I even booked our vacation two weeks before we broke up and she agreed with it. I also changed gyms, signing up at her gym, so that we can work out together and spent more time together, because I was fully aware that two jobs was serious limiting our time together. How about her not making me feel special? Instead of being supportive while I'm working my ass off for our future, rather keeping her mouth shut and not coming clean with her problems.

 

Also, her saying I ruined it for myself also still hurts. Is it so wrong to want some answers after a break up, out of the blue, with no clear reasons given to me? I did not beg or plead, I just wanted to talk. She said she wanted a break to think things through, is it so wrong that I want clarity? To know what is going to happen next? Is this really so wrong after you shared two years together? I told her I want to give her her stuff back, because looking at it was hurting me. She replied that if I did that, it was definitely over. Really? You're making this look like I am the one breaking up with you?

 

After 1 1/2 week I snapped, grabbed her belongings, drove to her house and dropped her stuff in her basement. I was done. I sent her an text declaring all my feelings, and yeah it was kind of an angry text. Right after this, she blocked me on everything. I'm not proud of it, but is it so wrong to stand up for myself?

 

Can someone talk me out of my guilt? Or was I really that bad?

Edited August 14, 2015 by NVO

[d0nnivain]

You made what you thought were the best choices for your future. Your vision of the future included her & you made the choices that you thought would be good for both of you. She had a different vision. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. You two were simply on different pages. That is nobody's fault.

 

 

It seems to me that working to earn money was a smart thing. Changing gyms was a meaningful effort to spend more time together. She didn't seem to appreciate that.

[NVO]

You made what you thought were the best choices for your future. Your vision of the future included her & you made the choices that you thought would be good for both of you. She had a different vision. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. You two were simply on different pages. That is nobody's fault.

 

 

It seems to me that working to earn money was a smart thing. Changing gyms was a meaningful effort to spend more time together. She didn't seem to appreciate that.

 

Thanks, I needed to read something like this! Sorry for the ranting, I guess it still hurts she is blaming me for all sorts of stuff while my only concern was to make her happy.

[candie13]

hey, NVO, how old are you? How old is your gf?

 

From what I read... it seems she is very young and immature. I think you've made good efforts to spend time together... but you see, making her feel special requires a different type of effort from spending time - even quality time together. Going to the same gym and going on holidays is different from "making her feel special". I think people have very different ways of experiencing love and expressing love. MAybe you just... missed eachother.

 

the other truth is that if she didn't know how talk about what she needs... how can you know and address it? Rationally speaking, you took all the steps to preserve that RS. But it takes a mature partner to be able to take the lack of time and attention from their partner, when he works 2 jobs, and not stray away.

 

It was a tough situation, NVO... and weak people will give up. And way she reacted when you asked questions, OMG ! It is only normal to ask questions, to want to understand. No normal person would treat you that way.

 

She appears that to be really manipulative and disrespectful of your boundaries. What do you mean "it's over for good", what are you, a child? She seems... controlling and a tad abusive, too.

 

Anger is normal. Grief is normal. Guilt... not that much so. She's just not the right person... I'm sorry, NVO.

[NVO]

hey, NVO, how old are you? How old is your gf?

 

From what I read... it seems she is very young and immature. I think you've made good efforts to spend time together... but you see, making her feel special requires a different type of effort from spending time - even quality time together. Going to the same gym and going on holidays is different from "making her feel special". I think people have very different ways of experiencing love and expressing love. MAybe you just... missed eachother.

 

the other truth is that if she didn't know how talk about what she needs... how can you know and address it? Rationally speaking, you took all the steps to preserve that RS. But it takes a mature partner to be able to take the lack of time and attention from their partner, when he works 2 jobs, and not stray away.

 

I'm 24 and she is 21. I'm fully aware that I could have done things differently, and I learned a great deal from it. So that's a good sign, hehe. I was aware of this during the end of our relationship too. She told me that she felt like our relationship was kind of dragging on, and when she told me that it was a wake-up call for me. I was caught up in this working routine and when she told me I realized I must put more effort in it. We had an argument, texting (God, I hate fighting over text), and I decided to do things differently. I started making more plans for dates, because that is what she had been missing. We agreed this was a good thing, and three weeks later she dumped me anyway. It's hard because it feels like she never gave me a chance to work on myself and our relationship.

 

But on the other hand, when she was with me there was never a sign of her being unhappy. We had sex up to the last moment of our relationship, and when we were together everything was fine (In my opinion, never heard her complaining..). Two weeks prior to our break up, we went to a festival. She would come to me and tell me that people told her that we looked so happy. I told her that's because we are happy. She laughed, we kissed. Even my friend who was with me that day did not see any signs that she was about to end this thing. The next day we grabbed lunch, and a few days later we even talked about what neighborhood we wanted to live in if we were moving in together. The day before she broke up with me, I called her to meet up, and also to show her that I was putting more effort in it. She was with a friend and told me it was very sweet of me, but she was going out (red flag, I know). She went clubbing until six in the morning and the next morning I texted her, saying that when I'm trying to make things work it takes two, so her turning me down is not helping the cause. I told her that I thought she could have chilled with her friends and meet up with me later on. She replied she would never she would not leave her friends, that she had doubts, it's probably for the best if we stopped seeing each other and she was willing to talk, after she was done with work at eleven in the evening. Well, shoot me... Haha.

 

It was a tough situation, NVO... and weak people will give up. And way she reacted when you asked questions, OMG ! It is only normal to ask questions, to want to understand. No normal person would treat you that way.

 

She appears that to be really manipulative and disrespectful of your boundaries. What do you mean "it's over for good", what are you, a child? She seems... controlling and a tad abusive, too.

 

Damn, it's kind of hard to read this because it makes sense. My mother also told me that she thought she had some strange ways of dealing with things. She told me that she remembered a situation where I was asking my ex if she wanted to do something fun that weekend. She replied that she already made plans with her friends, and I just said 'Ah, that's fine. Go have fun.' But, it was almost like she wanted me to get angry with her for picking her friends over me. And I bet if I did, she would be angry with me for not giving her enough space. I guess this happened on the day we broke up.

 

About the questions, I know. And during that I told her that I had doubts too some time ago. It's not something I was angry about, I could fully understand, but I would have liked that she discussed these problems with me. I said that when I had those doubts it didn't take me long to figure things out (That I loved her so dearly to stay in the relationship). She replied really bitchy: "Well it didn't took me long either! And you did not talk about your doubts to me, so what are you being angry about?" I replied that I'm not angry, and for me those doubts where not that serious that I was willing to end our relationship. Maybe she was mad for me having doubts about our relationship or something, or that I did not talk about it either? I don't know. I do know that it hurt a big deal and I told her so afterwards. Never got one apology though, when of course I ended up apologizing for dumping her stuff at her place and the angry text afterwards. But I don't mind, it felt good to admit and apologize.

 

And she always started picking fights over text. If we had a fight, it was over text. If we had a problem face to face, we had an argument but we always ended up with a good conversation, talking about it like adults. That was our strength, our communication face to face. Whenever I had a problem, I'd let her know and we would meet up and talk about it.

 

Wow, you addressing the issue is making things so clear! Looking back I realize these things now. But I guess I always tend to search for the good things in another person, and I was so crazy about her, that I might have had some kind of blind eye for all this. Definitely something I learned from.

 

Anger is normal. Grief is normal. Guilt... not that much so. She's just not the right person... I'm sorry, NVO.

 

Thank you for your kind words! I realize she is not the one. Strange thing is, it actually took meeting up with her again for me to notice it. That's why I felt quite relieved that she turned my offer for a second date down. And the moment she did, it hit me.

Edited August 14, 2015 by NVO