What happened here?

[Mischa101]

I had transferred from School A to school B and we had briefly talked about a male student there who was pursuing me quite aggressively. I am very conservative and so is my family so experience in the dating arena was foreign to me. Having had to transfer from one school to another caused me a great deal of loneliness and depression...actual depression, not the blues.

 

It had taken a huge toll on me mentally and physically. I had told some people I had just met that I was very down and wasn't sure what was really wrong. This information caught the attention of a particular person at school. He had told me he was crazy about me 2 days after he met me. I was flattered but wasn't sure it was logical. This person pursued me relentlessly almost to the point of getting angry with me for not responding. I thought staying silent would do the trick as I was not really interested. Anyway he persisted and I thought I would give him a chance since he said he liked me so much.

 

He came over spontaneously a couple of times and we went to the beach. I used to feel that this person was condescending to me. Then he came over and asked me to get a quick bite to eat at a hole-in-the-wall place. I went along. I was thinking he would ask me out properly on a date to a nice restaurant. I don't know if my expectation was wrong or far-fetched. He realized this, called me, acted like he was going to ask me, and basically to make a long story short, he took me to a bar very late at night. I can give you details on how this happened if you ask later. He angrily called me ugly and bad words on the way to the bar and I was becoming more and more down. We got there and he ordered me 4 shots. I realized he was trying to get me drunk.

 

I had told him that I don't drink beforehand. I wasn't string enough to thwart these attempts as I had started to think less of myself and frankly I was intimidated. I drank the shots and slowly I became very impaired. He pulled me towards him and started kissing me. Then we went to the car and he kissed me there, partially biting my lip. On our way back he yelled that he would never notice me in the US if he were to see me there. Once we got to my place he walked me in and stayed there. He was kissing me and had forced himself on me but he did not rape me. He had sheared the skin on my neck with his teeth. My neck was bright red and it stung when I noticed it in the mirror the next morning.

 

I had become severely affected by this incident to the point where I struggled academically. This person was emotionally bullying me while I was there. He was minimizing what he did and rather blamed me. I had become the victim and the problem at the same time. I had no control over what was happening to me. I had become a punching bag. It has taken me a long time to get over this, especially because I couldn't separate my emotions from logic. I had felt worthless. This person was trying to make me feel that way until I had no strength left.

Edited August 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[mavendark]

Wow, this person sounds like definitely he was trying to take advantage of you, especially when you were at a low point in your life. Have you thought about talking to a therapist about this? Both in regards to this incident as well as to address your depression?

[Mischa101]

Thanks for your response. Even though I was depressed, I had a feeling that the way he was courting me wasn't right--so I backed off. That's when he came back and tried to get me drunk. He said he took me to taco shack for a date because I don't dress well, then said I am responsible for being sloppy and drunk.

[Mischa101]

Wow, this person sounds like definitely he was trying to take advantage of you, especially when you were at a low point in your life. Have you thought about talking to a therapist about this? Both in regards to this incident as well as to address your depression?

 

Yes I've been to therapy.

 

What else can be done

Edited August 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[smackie9]

Ummm this guy is abusing you, emotionally berating you to control you to do his will. He is a sadist and has hand picked you because he sees how mentally vulnerable and inexperienced you are. You are being victimized by this jackal. Please go see your school counselor immediately, and place a harassment complaint and have his access to you restricted. This guy is a predator, and this could eventually lead to physical violence.

And please call your parents for guidance.....they need to know.....and not hear about it on the 5 o'clock news.

[Mischa101]

Yea. I wasn't even aware that I was assaulted. I thought it was my fault

[Sweet Workaholic]

1. Stay in therapy

2. Make sure therapist has a positive attitude

3. Do normal things with friends - join clubs, hang out, etc

4. Believe it or not, it will continue to gradually get better. It may never go away but it will get better & better as time passes. In my case (very very different - I devalued myself but was not assaulted) - it took years but it's 98% better now.

5. Have friends & get hugs regularly

6. Congratulate yourself for defending yourself from sexual assault - he manipulated you but you got out of the situation with less damage that he would have probably hoped to inflict. Strong work! Really!

 

Best wishes.

[Mischa101]

1. Stay in therapy

2. Make sure therapist has a positive attitude

3. Do normal things with friends - join clubs, hang out, etc

4. Believe it or not, it will continue to gradually get better. It may never go away but it will get better & better as time passes. In my case (very very different - I devalued myself but was not assaulted) - it took years but it's 98% better now.

5. Have friends & get hugs regularly

6. Congratulate yourself for defending yourself from sexual assault - he manipulated you but you got out of the situation with less damage that he would have probably hoped to inflict. Strong work! Really!

 

Best wishes.

 

How did you devalue yourself?

This guy on the outside is not someone your think is bad. He did it to me because I had 0 friends there. Nobody would care.

[Redhead14]

I had transferred from School A to school B and we had briefly talked about a male student there who was pursuing me quite aggressively. I am very conservative and so is my family so experience in the dating arena was foreign to me. Having had to transfer from one school to another caused me a great deal of loneliness and depression...actual depression, not the blues.

 

It had taken a huge toll on me mentally and physically. I had told some people I had just met that I was very down and wasn't sure what was really wrong. This information caught the attention of a particular person at school. He had told me he was crazy about me 2 days after he met me. I was flattered but wasn't sure it was logical. This person pursued me relentlessly almost to the point of getting angry with me for not responding. I thought staying silent would do the trick as I was not really interested. Anyway he persisted and I thought I would give him a chance since he said he liked me so much.

 

He came over spontaneously a couple of times and we went to the beach. I used to feel that this person was condescending to me. Then he came over and asked me to get a quick bite to eat at a hole-in-the-wall place. I went along. I was thinking he would ask me out properly on a date to a nice restaurant. I don't know if my expectation was wrong or far-fetched. He realized this, called me, acted like he was going to ask me, and basically to make a long story short, he took me to a bar very late at night. I can give you details on how this happened if you ask later. He angrily called me ugly and bad words on the way to the bar and I was becoming more and more down. We got there and he ordered me 4 shots. I realized he was trying to get me drunk.

 

I had told him that I don't drink beforehand. I wasn't string enough to thwart these attempts as I had started to think less of myself and frankly I was intimidated. I drank the shots and slowly I became very impaired. He pulled me towards him and started kissing me. Then we went to the car and he kissed me there, partially biting my lip. On our way back he yelled that he would never notice me in the US if he were to see me there. Once we got to my place he walked me in and stayed there. He was kissing me and had forced himself on me but he did not rape me. He had sheared the skin on my neck with his teeth. My neck was bright red and it stung when I noticed it in the mirror the next morning.

 

I had become severely affected by this incident to the point where I struggled academically. This person was emotionally bullying me while I was there. He was minimizing what he did and rather blamed me. I had become the victim and the problem at the same time. I had no control over what was happening to me. I had become a punching bag. It has taken me a long time to get over this, especially because I couldn't separate my emotions from logic. I had felt worthless. This person was trying to make me feel that way until I had no strength left.

 

I had no control over what was happening to me. -- Yes, you did. You didn't have a great feeling about him to begin with -- 'He came over spontaneously a couple of times and we went to the beach. I used to feel that this person was condescending to me." You went to a bar with him, "very late at night", he angrily called me ugly and bad words on the way to the bar and I was becoming more and more down. We got there and he ordered me 4 shots. I realized he was trying to get me drunk." "I drank the shots and slowly I became very impaired".

 

You knew exactly what you were getting into. I'm sorry to be harsh, but you did this to yourself. When you accept responsibility for yourself and your actions, you will become a much stronger person. Learn from this. Learn to listen to and trust your gut. It was a mistake, but the only way to recover from a mistake is to learn from it and not put yourself in these kinds of situations. You were very lucky but you did have control. The only way to have control is to TAKE it when necessary.

 

He was minimizing what he did and rather blamed me -- You did at least "share" in the blame . . . Women who entirely blame men for situations they find themselves in, think they have no accountability for their own actions.

[Mischa101]

I had no control over what was happening to me. -- Yes, you did. You didn't have a great feeling about him to begin with -- 'He came over spontaneously a couple of times and we went to the beach. I used to feel that this person was condescending to me." You went to a bar with him, "very late at night", he angrily called me ugly and bad words on the way to the bar and I was becoming more and more down. We got there and he ordered me 4 shots. I realized he was trying to get me drunk." "I drank the shots and slowly I became very impaired".

 

You knew exactly what you were getting into. I'm sorry to be harsh, but you did this to yourself. When you accept responsibility for yourself and your actions, you will become a much stronger person. Learn from this. Learn to listen to and trust your gut. It was a mistake, but the only way to recover from a mistake is to learn from it and not put yourself in these kinds of situations. You were very lucky but you did have control. The only way to have control is to TAKE it when necessary.

 

He was minimizing what he did and rather blamed me -- You did at least "share" in the blame . . . Women who entirely blame men for situations they find themselves in, think they have no accountability for their own actions.

 

I was going along with things, but I had no idea it would be like this.

[Mischa101]

If I knlw someone is vulnerable and I know how to manipulate him/her, I'll be able to victimize this person and get away with it.

[Mischa101]

What do you think of refhead's comment ?

[katiegrl]

What do you think of refhead's comment ?

 

Personally speaking, I agree with her. You allowed yourself to be victimized to a certain extent.

 

 

Sure he ordered you four shots, but unless he held a gun to your head ordering you to drink them.... YOU had a choice as to whether to drink those shots or not. You CHOSE, on your own, to drink them.

 

 

Same with choosing to go with him....KNOWING how condescending and verbally abusive he was to you. Why? Why did YOU go with him? Did he force you to go? No, YOU made the choice to go despite your KNOWING how abusive he was.

 

 

Yes he is a bastard, but you need to take some responsibility too. In many cases, where there is a victim...there is always someone who allowed themselves to be victimized.

 

 

The only exception I would make is if someone was drugged without them knowing it (like someone put a drug in their drink to knock them out without them being aware of it) and they were raped.

 

 

But that is not what happened here. You willingly drank the four shots. You willingly went with him even after he demonstrated how abusive he could be.

 

 

I realize you were intimidated and felt weak....but seriously hon that is really no excuse. It was still your choice.

 

 

Yes he took advantage of your weakness, which makes him a bastard.

 

 

But you bear some responsibility too. I hope you will realize this someday....so you can take steps to become more emotionally stronger, so this does NOT happen to you again.

 

 

That said, I am sorry this happened. It's horrible. I myself was victimized many years ago when a date put a date rape drug in my drink (he made me the drink), then raped and sodomized me. I never told anyone here that before....but I wanted to share it with you so you know you are not alone.

 

 

I became REAL strong after that vowing to never allow myself to be victimized like that again!

 

 

I hope you will do the same.

 

 

((hugs)) and take care.

Edited August 19, 2015 by katiegrl

[Mischa101]

Personally speaking, I agree with her. You allowed yourself to be victimized to a certain extent.

 

 

Sure he ordered you four shots, but unless he held a gun to your head ordering you to drink them.... YOU had a choice as to whether to drink those shots or not. You CHOSE, on your own, to drink them.

 

 

Same with choosing to go with him....KNOWING how condescending and verbally abusive he was to you. Why? Why did YOU go with him? Did he force you to go? No, YOU made the choice to go despite your KNOWING how abusive he was.

 

 

Yes he is a bastard, but you need to take some responsibility too. In many cases, where there is a victim...there is always someone who allowed themselves to be victimized.

 

 

The only exception I would make is if someone was drugged without them knowing it (like someone put a drug in their drink to knock them out without them being aware of it) and they were raped.

 

 

But that is not what happened here. You willingly drank the four shots. You willingly went with him even after he demonstrated how abusive he could be.

 

 

I realize you were intimidated and felt weak....but seriously hon that is really no excuse. It was still your choice.

 

 

Yes he took advantage of your weakness, which makes him a bastard.

 

 

But you bear some responsibility too. I hope you will realize this someday....so you can take steps to become more emotionally stronger, so this does NOT happen to you again.

 

 

That said, I am sorry this happened. It's horrible. I myself was victimized many years ago when a date put a date rape drug in my drink (he made me the drink), then raped and sodomized me. I never told anyone here that before....but I wanted to share it with you so you know you are not alone.

 

 

I became REAL strong after that vowing to never allow myself to be victimized like that again!

 

 

I hope you will do the same.

 

 

((hugs)) and take care.

 

Thanks for your response. I know where I went wrong. The guy was verbally abusive in the car. I thought I deserved it honestly because I was already depressed. And I knew that if I backed off, he would still force me in some way because he knew how vulnerable I was. I too felt very weak then.

 

 

Did you ever report your rape?

[Mischa101]

I wish we could send private messages here

[Mischa101]

I think this guy wanted more to degrade me than anything else. This wasn't about sexual gratification.

[Mischa101]

gosh this was a while ago! still healing