Ex messaged me - where to go from here

[hunk]

Az I honestly have no idea what her reasons could be which is partly why I posted here . She's rescheduled to this Saturday because she's really sick so it's just prolonging the anxiety. Her texts are still really short and pretty impersonal so yeah I'm not holding much hope out for this being anything other than a friendly meet up that she seems like ... reluctant ... to attend. Basically I don't seem to be getting the vibe that she is interested in a R with me , despite reaching out etc

[dumbass2]

If she ends up needing to cancel once again, then just let her know that you would still like to get together and that she can let you know one more time when it works for her and you'll do your best to make it happen. When my ex first initiated contact with me we tried a few times to set a date and she couldn't do it, so I left it alone for a few weeks and just sent a casual text without any mention of meeting up and then all of the sudden she threw out meeting the next day and it worked so we met up. The key was not being so eager to have to meet up with her. I sensed she wanted to and she sensed I wanted to, but once I backed off, she worked it out. If they keep putting it off, they want to see how eager you are and if you will keep jumping through hoops and how long will you keep trying. After a couple of times, you just say enough is enough. She knows you want to meet up, but if she truly doesn't, you can't keep on holding out hope. I hope for you that she holds to this Saturday, but again, if she cancels, that is the sign for you to back on down and stop trying.

[Meli22]

At first I thought she had dumped you and was just throwing a breadcrumb but it seems like you were responsible for the break up, therefore it's not so black and white. I think she probably genuinely does miss you. And yes it will have taken massive guts to have wrote to you. She probably didn't message back after the initial chat because she doesn't want to come across too keen or get any hopes up. She's guarding herself after being hurt. This is all assumption and I could be wrong but I've been in similar shoes to her so I know what it's like. I hope the meet up goes well for you, and if you're open to reconciliation then I guess after the date you could tell her how you feel. Just be open minded about it though, it could lead to nothing more than a friendly catch up. Can I ask what happened with the break up?

[aloneinaz]

Az I honestly have no idea what her reasons could be which is partly why I posted here . She's rescheduled to this Saturday because she's really sick so it's just prolonging the anxiety. Her texts are still really short and pretty impersonal so yeah I'm not holding much hope out for this being anything other than a friendly meet up that she seems like ... reluctant ... to attend. Basically I don't seem to be getting the vibe that she is interested in a R with me , despite reaching out etc

 

Honestly, you're going to do what you want here but at my age and w/my experiences, I'd contact her and let her know you no longer wish to meet up. You're WAY to emotionally invested in this whole thing right now. You're going to get hurt if her motive is in fact to get closure from you.

 

 

Dumbass made some good points in his post as well. SHE is fully in control here and has all the power. You're being obedient and doing whatever she's asking. You have to have your guard up that she COULD be vindictive and is just screwing w/your head because of how you treated her.

 

 

I've told you before. You CLEARLY were not that into her or you wouldn't of treated her the way you described, even if you were not over your previous ex. If she TRULY rocked your world, she would of made you forget your ex and you'd of fallen head over heals with her.

[hunk]

Alright guys ... well dunno where to begin here.

 

So we went out for drinks and it was as if we never broke up. It was really bizarre how natural it felt with her. It was as if we were just going out like we used to. No awkwardness, no discussion of the past relationship whatsoever. We just kind of brought up funny things about eachother and stuff we did in the past.

 

She invited me back to her place and I stayed the night. We had sex 3 times and spent most of the day today just lying in bed being affectionate exactly like we used to. She was very very affectionate towards me. We then went and got coffee and I saw her off before she went to work, even kissed her goodbye. It was very very surreal. She said it felt like nothing had changed and no time had passed, but at times she wanted to reach out to me but thought I hated her and didn't want to hear from her. She hasn't been with anyone since me and I 100% know this is the truth.

 

I don't know what to make of all this. I'm going away for a few days and told her i'd call her when i come back. I told her we should hang out more often and i'd like to see her when i'm back and she said "yeah how could i say no to sex" (she said this sarcastically and kind of in a sad way) and i have no idea what to make of that.

 

I really didn't want to bring up heavy relationship stuff, i just wanted the night to flow naturally and it did.

 

Now, i'm really not sure what to do. I have no idea how she feels about the whole situation. I don't know whether she saw it as some sort of study-break stress relief, or whether she is interested in getting back with me. I do not know what my next course of action should be. I want to keep this as light as possible and sort of just "resume" the relationship as we had it - because it was an excellent relationship when I was giving her what she needed, it just fell apart because i was essentially unavailable. We have zero compatibility issues which is why it just felt so incredibly weird seeing her and just clicking back into it with her.

 

I don't know if she wanted me to bring up the topic of getting back together or if she was hoping i wouldn't. This is very confusing and i don't wanna screw things up by sending a message asking to get back with her to be met with "no thanks, we can hook up but that's all i'm after" or something along those lines.

 

Cheers guys

[hunk]

I also still have her blocked on FB. I dunno what to do about that. My guard is obviously still way up because there's still a part of me that is skeptical about her intentions and thinks she just kind of wanted to mess around and i won't hear from her again. I could also be completely wrong here and it is likely SHE is the one with her guard way up, but considering the way we left off ~5 months ago, - with me telling her i wanted her back and was extremely sorry - I think she must kind of know i'm interested in her on a deeper level than FWB.

[Elias33]

I also still have her blocked on FB. I dunno what to do about that. My guard is obviously still way up because there's still a part of me that is skeptical about her intentions and thinks she just kind of wanted to mess around and i won't hear from her again. I could also be completely wrong here and it is likely SHE is the one with her guard way up, but considering the way we left off ~5 months ago, - with me telling her i wanted her back and was extremely sorry - I think she must kind of know i'm interested in her on a deeper level than FWB.

 

I think you're slowly sinking in a deep pile of sh*t. That is my observation. With everything going on (Sex, etc) it is best you tell her what you want and ask her what she wants. Before that, ask yourself first though. Good luck to you, it's a tough situation, I got the t-shirt.

[pillowpuffs]

Alright guys ... well dunno where to begin here.

 

So we went out for drinks and it was as if we never broke up. It was really bizarre how natural it felt with her. It was as if we were just going out like we used to. No awkwardness, no discussion of the past relationship whatsoever. We just kind of brought up funny things about eachother and stuff we did in the past.

 

She invited me back to her place and I stayed the night. We had sex 3 times and spent most of the day today just lying in bed being affectionate exactly like we used to. She was very very affectionate towards me. We then went and got coffee and I saw her off before she went to work, even kissed her goodbye. It was very very surreal. She said it felt like nothing had changed and no time had passed, but at times she wanted to reach out to me but thought I hated her and didn't want to hear from her. She hasn't been with anyone since me and I 100% know this is the truth.

 

I don't know what to make of all this. I'm going away for a few days and told her i'd call her when i come back. I told her we should hang out more often and i'd like to see her when i'm back and she said "yeah how could i say no to sex" (she said this sarcastically and kind of in a sad way) and i have no idea what to make of that.

 

I really didn't want to bring up heavy relationship stuff, i just wanted the night to flow naturally and it did.

 

Now, i'm really not sure what to do. I have no idea how she feels about the whole situation. I don't know whether she saw it as some sort of study-break stress relief, or whether she is interested in getting back with me. I do not know what my next course of action should be. I want to keep this as light as possible and sort of just "resume" the relationship as we had it - because it was an excellent relationship when I was giving her what she needed, it just fell apart because i was essentially unavailable. We have zero compatibility issues which is why it just felt so incredibly weird seeing her and just clicking back into it with her.

 

I don't know if she wanted me to bring up the topic of getting back together or if she was hoping i wouldn't. This is very confusing and i don't wanna screw things up by sending a message asking to get back with her to be met with "no thanks, we can hook up but that's all i'm after" or something along those lines.

 

Cheers guys

 

Sounds like you guys had a good date!

 

You should call her when you get back, as for the comment about the sex - it could be hinting at a FWB type of situation or it could just be her trying to play it cool too because she doesn't want to seem to be forcing you into anything or whatever.

 

None of us can go in her mind to tell you what exactly she's hoping for here unfortunately. You have to feel the situation out for yourself. I would think you should take it slow, call her when you're back, meet up again and see how things go from there. It will probably be no fun to be vulnerable if she's not interested in anything more but soon enough, you should bring it up to her. Judging from how things went, you can't avoid having to be vulnerable with her (unless at some point she makes it painfully obvious that all she wants is a hook-up or whatever); I just hope she reacts in a positive way.

 

All the best! Let us know how things go

[hunk]

Thanks pillow, that was sort of my plan of action. To call her up when i get back and just kind of "Go with the flow" and see what pans out, i just wasn't sure if that was the best way to go about it. The thing is, when we meet up again, I know we're just gonna go back into the relationship dynamic. It's all either of us have known from eachother - even today she offered to pay for my meal, was touching me alot, when we were lying in bed she was on my chest and was saying she wished we could just "stay here for a while". And it didn't feel weird, it just felt like we'd taken a 5 month break.

 

But yes it would suck to have her just come out and say she just wants a FWB situation so at some point i'm gonna have to bring it up. She DID actually say this morning she didn't think at all that we were gonna end up back at her place nor that we were gonna sleep together and we both kind of laughed and agreed that deep down we both knew it was gonna happen. So that might mean something, i dunno.

 

I'm gonna ask her to hang out during the day and maybe go to the beach like we used to so it doesn't automatically communicate a FWB "get drunk and sleep together" type deal.

[BC1980]

My advice is to lay your intentions on the line and ask her to do the same. If you agree to give it a second chance, you both need to be honest about what broke you up and how to fix it. I think you are playing with fire if you try to wait it out or go with the flow.

[aloneinaz]

Here's what I think Hunk,

 

 

She likes you due to how you treated her the first time. Us humans seem to always have trouble getting over someone who treated us poorly. When you guys broke up, you became a BIGGER challenge to her. She probably thought she'd never have a chance with you again.

 

 

I wouldn't smother her or put all your cards on the table just yet. In all likelihood, she wants to get back together w/you again. Next time you hang out, try and avoid booze and jumping into bed again. If SHE suggests jumping in bed, then you can let her know you're not interested in an FWB R/S.

 

 

You know this girl where we don't. If she'd not vindictive, you probably have an open door to date her again and you don't have to risk her being only being an FWB.

[lana-banana]

Hunk, you are one of the most insightful posters on this forum. I know you have a good head on your shoulders. But if you "go with the flow" or "keep it light" you're just going to drift along in limbo until one of you misunderstands the other, with probably disastrous results. BC1980 is absolutely right. Be clear about what you want and demand the same from her. I'm not saying it has to be dramatic---just bring a nice bottle of wine and some triple creme to the beach---but you do need to talk about it, and the sooner the better.

[hunk]

AIA - You know i basically agree with most of your advice and i feel like we're somewhat the same sort of guy. I think you're also right here. I do believe she is attracted to the idea of some sort of "unavailablity" and uncertainty, which was how our relationship was for so long, but this kept it very exciting and i know she was (hopefully still is) very attracted to me because i did keep her guessing, I was hot and cold, but it eventually got to the point where it became obvious i was just blatantly taking the piss and using her.

 

Lana and BC, i think you guys are right aswell - some degree of proactive behavior needs to happen here. I need to somehow tell her what i want without coming off overbearing and shifting the dynamic to me being the one chasing after her because that isn't what initially set the fire going when we first met - it was her coming after me and i need to somehow retain some of that while showing her that I do in fact want something more from her.

 

I am thinking i hang out with her when i get back, assess the direction it's going (if it's turning into an obvious FWB thing then i tell her i'm not looking for that) OR meet up with her for the sole purpose of telling her i want to try again. It just feels more natural for me to just go with the flow when we are essentially behaving like we're dating again (when we see eachother). I feel like SHOWING her i'm interested in her like i did last night and today, then sort of cooling off and backing away gives her space and kind of shows i'm not coming on too strong and still maintaining some kind of aloof "whatever" vibe which had her interested in me in the beginning. But on the otherhand i know some sort of conversation/clarification needs to occur because this is what ended our relationship - me not even acknowledging we were in a relationship, essentially.

 

Reading all this I know it seems like game playing and stuff but i truly believe all of this does involve some degree of game playing. I really do believe that, people (cough *women*) are just complicated, in my experience with relationships anyway...

[BC1980]

Lana and BC, i think you guys are right aswell - some degree of proactive behavior needs to happen here. I need to somehow tell her what i want without coming off overbearing and shifting the dynamic to me being the one chasing after her because that isn't what initially set the fire going when we first met - it was her coming after me and i need to somehow retain some of that while showing her that I do in fact want something more from her.

 

You could just casually say something like, "I would love to give this a second try, but, if you don't feel the same way, it's okay. I understand, and I wish you the best in the future. But it's probably best if we have some distance to move on."

 

It's worrisome to me that you noticed she was attracted to the unavailability of the relationship even in the beginning.

[hunk]

I think it was more that when we met I had alot going on in my life and was kind of pursuing my personal interests almost maniacally - I still treated her well when we did see eachother but for example i would disappear for a few days at a time while in the studio (i produce music) or go on surfing trips randomly with no phone reception for a week without even telling her etc etc., i'd randomly show up at her place, call her at all hours when i was having meltdowns about my health etc, I guess she just found it interesting and was drawn to it until it got to the point where i stopped treating her well and she just got over it. She is a very head-strong and self assured woman and i think she just saw me behaving like this as me "being myself" and never really worried about it until i totally just dropped the ball and basically gave off the "i really don't care anymore" vibe, which is not the same vibe as being aloof but still interested and caring.

[aloneinaz]

I think it was more that when we met I had alot going on in my life and was kind of pursuing my personal interests almost maniacally - I still treated her well when we did see eachother but for example i would disappear for a few days at a time while in the studio (i produce music) or go on surfing trips randomly with no phone reception for a week without even telling her etc etc., i'd randomly show up at her place, call her at all hours when i was having meltdowns about my health etc, I guess she just found it interesting and was drawn to it until it got to the point where i stopped treating her well and she just got over it. She is a very head-strong and self assured woman and i think she just saw me behaving like this as me "being myself" and never really worried about it until i totally just dropped the ball and basically gave off the "i really don't care anymore" vibe, which is not the same vibe as being aloof but still interested and caring.

 

 

What's interesting to me, the more you describe this relationship is that she didn't date nor have sex w/anyone else after you (if that's the truth). I have NO DOUBT this girl is still REALLY into you. She has the classic case of wanting what she can't have.

 

 

The tricky thing here is to restart this w/both of you on the same page. I know it's your aspiration to be in a R/S w/her again. The more I'm reading the other folks responses, the more I'm agreeing w/them. I think you should come back, call her and make a place to meet up in a restaurant. Then, ask her what her aspirations are between you two. If she wavers, then be forthright in telling her your intent would be to start dating again and see if can move into a R/S again. If she's not interested, then move on. At least it won't drag this out for a few week/months before you end it again.